Man: I Assaulted Mom Because Costco Pepsi Machine Made Me Do It

A 33-year-old Pennsylvania man has been charged with with aggravated assault, simple assault and harassment after allegedly assaulting his 68-year-old mom. The reason: The Pepsi machine at their local Costco made him do it.

According to police reports, the man’s father contacted authorities because his son was “flipping out” and attacking his mother.

The father told police that his son had said “that the Pepsi machine at Costco made him hurt his mother,” and that “he was mad at his mother because she smokes drugs.”

No word from Pepsi on whether these new mind-controlling Pepsi machines are going to be rolled-out nationwide or if this is going to be a Costco exclusive.

And while we’re on the topic of Pepsis and moms:

New Sewickley man accused of attacking mom [TimesOnline.com]

Comments

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  1. obits3 says:

    I didn’t know that Pepsi carried Four Loko…

  2. Loias supports harsher punishments against corporations says:

    From the article, the 2nd person charged with agrivated assault in that county in November claims it was due to an overdose of cough syrup.

    Frankly, I’m stumped as to which one of these is the worse explanation.

  3. pecan 3.14159265 says:

    I remember the good ol days when the aliens, the government, or the devil made people do it. Now it’s soda and cough syrup!

  4. MongoAngryMongoSmash says:
  5. Cialis Cooper says:

    No fair. My Costco only has Coke.

    • lucky13 says:

      You should be grateful (or perhaps your mother should be)…a Coke machine would never tell you to do those things.

  6. SteveZim1017 says:

    thats wierd, the vending machine in the break room just told me to stop working and surf the web for the afternoon.

    the machines seem to be talkative today

  7. anarkie says:

    What ever happened to good old heavy metal?

  8. DerangedHermit says:

    Looks like it’s not just his mother that smokes drugs.

  9. echoparkgal says:

    The vending machine in my office makes me ragey as well. Currently, it stands empty with a post-it that says “Kick Me” on it.

  10. lolBunny says:

    It sounds like the son has some usage problems of his own or just simply some mental problems. Either way, this is a pretty crazy story….

  11. You Can Call Me Al(isa) says:

    This makes me think of the episode of The X-files when electronic devices were showing messages on their screen telling people to murder other people.

    • Alvis says:

      Feed me a stray cat

    • pecan 3.14159265 says:

      Great episode. Of course, that episode’s plot cycled back to “the government made me do it” because the government was spraying pesticide and people were seeing subliminal messages.

  12. swarrior216 says:

    I miss those old Pepsi machines in the picture.

  13. bender123 says:

    I dont like my mother, can anyone direct me to this vending machine?

  14. Arcaeris says:

    I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything, but then again I was thinking about nothing. And then my mom came in, and I didn’t even know she was there. She called my name and I didn’t hear her and then she started screaming “Mike, Mike!” And I go “what? What’s the matter?” She goes “what’s the matter with you?” I go “there’s nothing wrong, mom.” Shes all “don’t tell me that! You’re on drugs!” I go “no mom, I’m not on drugs. I’m ok, I’m just thinking, you know? Why don’t you get me a Pepsi?” She goes “No! You’re on drugs!” I go “mom, I’m ok. I’m just thinking.” She goes “No! You’re not thinking, you’re on drugs! Normal people don’t be acting that way!” I go “mom, just get me a Pepsi! Please, all I want is a Pepsi!” And she wouldn’t give it to me! All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn’t give it to me! Just a Pepsi!

  15. raydee wandered off on a tangent and got lost says:

    I, for one, welcome our new vending machine overlords.

  16. human_shield says:

    Classy family.

  17. ptitesirna says:

    “Feed me a stray cat!”

  18. BeastMD1 says:

    Derek Smart, Derek Smart, Derek Smart.

  19. dadelus says:

    To Paraphrase The Tick…

    “Armless bandit… Empty your bladder of that sweet brown urine men call Pepsi! It has its price and its price has been paid! Cola devil, you are now my bitch.”

  20. working class Zer0 says:

    Smokin’ dope and drinking Pepsi Throwbacks. Makes you feel young again.

  21. Beeker26 says:

    There you have it. It’s the first sign of the HFCS Zombie Apocalypse.

  22. heart.shaped.rock says:

    My previous employer was a Pepsi distributor. One day, our receptionist gets a phone call from a resident at a local adult care facility who claimed that he put 50 cents in the vending machine and it stole his soul and, dammit (plus other expletives) he wanted his soul back! She got him off the phone but he kept calling her. Finally we called the facility to have one of the employees tell the guy to quit calling us. Hilarious, and a bit sad at the same time.

  23. MostlyHarmless says:

    I know a 30-something in NJ who’d do such a thing. I would not be surprised.

  24. oldwiz65 says:

    Most likely the Pepsi machine was hexed by the Coca-Cola company.

  25. ZippoGuaillo says:

    False. Costco has only Coke machines.

  26. gman863 says:

    This sounds like Stephen King’s Maximum Overdrive meets Christina Crawford’s Mommie Dearest.

    At least the vending machine didn’t bitch about wire coat hangers…

  27. CFinWV says:

    Mike looks so young in that video!