A 33-year-old Pennsylvania man has been charged with with aggravated assault, simple assault and harassment after allegedly assaulting his 68-year-old mom. The reason: The Pepsi machine at their local Costco made him do it.
According to police reports, the man’s father contacted authorities because his son was “flipping out” and attacking his mother.
The father told police that his son had said “that the Pepsi machine at Costco made him hurt his mother,” and that “he was mad at his mother because she smokes drugs.”
No word from Pepsi on whether these new mind-controlling Pepsi machines are going to be rolled-out nationwide or if this is going to be a Costco exclusive.
And while we’re on the topic of Pepsis and moms:
New Sewickley man accused of attacking mom [TimesOnline.com]
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I didn’t know that Pepsi carried Four Loko…
From the article, the 2nd person charged with agrivated assault in that county in November claims it was due to an overdose of cough syrup.
Frankly, I’m stumped as to which one of these is the worse explanation.
dextromethorphan is a helluva drug…
“The Purple Drank made me do it.” rings a lot more true than a talking soda fountain.
+1 for proper utilization of worse/worst
I remember the good ol days when the aliens, the government, or the devil made people do it. Now it’s soda and cough syrup!
Heavy metal and role playing games were the new classics. Man, these kids today…
The Dungeonmaster made me do it?
They failed to roll a 5 or higher for their sanity check. Subsequently, they lost 50 XP and had to get the dungeon master’s Cheetos refill.
High Fructose Corn Syrup, I guess.
High fructose corn cough syrup even!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dn83VuCzP1k
No fair. My Costco only has Coke.
You should be grateful (or perhaps your mother should be)…a Coke machine would never tell you to do those things.
thats wierd, the vending machine in the break room just told me to stop working and surf the web for the afternoon.
the machines seem to be talkative today
You too?! The Dr. Pepper machine ordered me to give free breast exams in the break-room.
What ever happened to good old heavy metal?
Looks like it’s not just his mother that smokes drugs.
I think he was mad cuz she wouldn’t share.
The vending machine in my office makes me ragey as well. Currently, it stands empty with a post-it that says “Kick Me” on it.
It sounds like the son has some usage problems of his own or just simply some mental problems. Either way, this is a pretty crazy story….
This makes me think of the episode of The X-files when electronic devices were showing messages on their screen telling people to murder other people.
Feed me a stray cat
Great episode. Of course, that episode’s plot cycled back to “the government made me do it” because the government was spraying pesticide and people were seeing subliminal messages.
I miss those old Pepsi machines in the picture.
I dont like my mother, can anyone direct me to this vending machine?
I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything, but then again I was thinking about nothing. And then my mom came in, and I didn’t even know she was there. She called my name and I didn’t hear her and then she started screaming “Mike, Mike!†And I go “what? What’s the matter?†She goes “what’s the matter with you?†I go “there’s nothing wrong, mom.†Shes all “don’t tell me that! You’re on drugs!†I go “no mom, I’m not on drugs. I’m ok, I’m just thinking, you know? Why don’t you get me a Pepsi?†She goes “No! You’re on drugs!†I go “mom, I’m ok. I’m just thinking.†She goes “No! You’re not thinking, you’re on drugs! Normal people don’t be acting that way!†I go “mom, just get me a Pepsi! Please, all I want is a Pepsi!†And she wouldn’t give it to me! All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn’t give it to me! Just a Pepsi!
I’m not crazy! You’re the one that’s crazy!
WE’VE decided it’s in MY best interest?
I’M CRAZY? I went to YOUR schools, I went to YOUR churches, I went to YOUR institutional learning facilites? So how can you say I’M crazy?
Damn, I fucking love that song
great… now I’ll have that song in my head all day. Also, I had to go back and add the video to the post.
*folds up bill of cap*
soo-eh-cidal!
you’ve inspired me to write a short fiction in the comments based on the consumerist articles I read
I, for one, welcome our new vending machine overlords.
Classy family.
“Feed me a stray cat!”
Derek Smart, Derek Smart, Derek Smart.
To Paraphrase The Tick…
“Armless bandit… Empty your bladder of that sweet brown urine men call Pepsi! It has its price and its price has been paid! Cola devil, you are now my bitch.”
Smokin’ dope and drinking Pepsi Throwbacks. Makes you feel young again.
There you have it. It’s the first sign of the HFCS Zombie Apocalypse.
My previous employer was a Pepsi distributor. One day, our receptionist gets a phone call from a resident at a local adult care facility who claimed that he put 50 cents in the vending machine and it stole his soul and, dammit (plus other expletives) he wanted his soul back! She got him off the phone but he kept calling her. Finally we called the facility to have one of the employees tell the guy to quit calling us. Hilarious, and a bit sad at the same time.
I know a 30-something in NJ who’d do such a thing. I would not be surprised.
Snooki?
Most likely the Pepsi machine was hexed by the Coca-Cola company.
False. Costco has only Coke machines.
This sounds like Stephen King’s Maximum Overdrive meets Christina Crawford’s Mommie Dearest.
At least the vending machine didn’t bitch about wire coat hangers…
Mike looks so young in that video!