Sears Finally Runs Out Of Living Customers, Reaches Out To Zombies

Zerger bargarz!

Zerger bargarz!

In an encouraging step, Sears has made its merchandise and web shopping experience more accessible to a marginalized population that most retailers ignore: zombies. They’ve even translated the site into Zombian. As they put it, “Zerger bargarz zambah barg!” Yes.

There’s even a gift guide in case you’re wondering what to buy that special zombie in your life for Halloween.

Sears: afterlife. well spent. [Sears (Thanks to everyone who sent this in!)
Zombie Shopper [Twitter]

Comments

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  1. Hoss says:

    It’s been this way for decades. When you want a clerk to check out, you need to have a incense and a ouija board

    • Keep talking...I'm listening says:

      Unless you want to sign up for a credit card…then you can’t get out the door without getting 5

  2. FatLynn says:

    This is fairly in line with their target demographic.

  3. Cheap Sniveler: Sponsored by JustAnswer.comâ„¢ says:

    I’m sorry, but that’s funny, I don’t care how dead you are.

  4. dr_drift says:

    Yeah yeah, Sears sucks, whatever. Their site is really hilarious, though.

  5. mbgrabbe says:

    Awesome. Way to have a sense of humor, large corporation.

    • dr_drift says:

      Yeah, I can’t wait until someone comes out calling it irresponsible, terrible and inappropriate. WILL SOMEBODY THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN?

  6. BBP says:

    As much as I can’t stand Sears, I have to agree that they did a great job with that.

  7. idx says:

    Finally they are marketing towards the zombie demographic instead of just hiring them.

  8. Bativac says:

    I guess they figure no rational human being would shop there. Might as well go after the living dead.

  9. aloria says:

    I’m so sick of the whole zombie thing. They’re boring and played out. Can’t anyone think of anything original anymore? No, let’s just throw on a bunch of grey and black face paint, rip some old clothes, and walk around like we have rheumatism. BRRAAAAAIIIIINS, oh my god, you want to eat my brains? How clever and hysterical!

    • Whtthfgg says:

      get a sense of humor…the site is funny

      • aloria says:

        Oh no, my opinion is not the same as yours, so obviously I have no sense of humor! I’ll get that checked out right away.

        • JulesNoctambule says:

          Or maybe it’s the way you express that opinion which makes you seem humourless.

        • dwtomek says:

          Face facts. Obviously there are enough people that enjoy zombies in their media as to justify its continued existence. Guess what, I don’t find kid shows enjoying but the demographic exists to justify their continued existence. How do I handle living in a world with kid shows that are not targeted towards me? I don’t watch them.

          • aloria says:

            So you’ve never complained about something that the general public seems to be absolutely in love with but you yourself can’t stand? Never said “I don’t get the whole iPhone hysteria,” or “that Lady Gaga, she’s completely overrated?” You have much more patience than 99% of the world.

      • aloria says:

        Now, if they had a human “killing” the zombies with a craftsman lawn mower a-la “Dead Alive,” THAT would be freaking HYSTERICAL.

        • c!tizen says:

          ummm… Dead Alive is a zombie movie, you’re a confusing person.

          • aloria says:

            I can enjoy an old school zombie movie and still think the current “zomg pride and prejudice and zombies and sears and zombies and zombie crawls and [random thing] ONLY WITH ZOMBIES” fad is lame. It’s a classic example of how people get overzealous about something and nearly ruin it via oversaturation.

    • mbz32190 says:

      I agree, but the site is still “funny” nonetheless. The whole zombie thing has been overplayed though…seems like every video game and movie is about zombies.

      • PTB315 says:

        Zombies are perfect. They’re unthinking murder machines in basically every Western pop-culture setting. They’re indefensible. The definition of evil. Its no wonder people keep going to that well so many times.

        Video games involving killing are usually solid sellers. When the killed are actual recognizable people, there is controversy. Usually controversy is good (See GTA series outside of the sex mini game hack debacle).. Medal of Honor caught a shit storm over including the Taliban, hard to prove that it ultimately helped them or hurt them. But regardless, controversy as a marketing technique is dangerous. There are lines that can be crossed that ruin a product for a long time. (See Sinhead O’Connor ripping up a picture of the pope on SNL as a perfect example)

        Who’s going to defend zombies from getting digitally murdered? It’s practically perfect, they”re humanoid, so they’re fun to kill in a game, but not actually human.

        Plug in any popular supernatural humanoid for “zombie” and you get a similar result, but not quite as effective. Aliens, vampires, even mummies can be “good” – ET, Twilight… shit the cereal that used to be paired up with Count Chocula and Frakenberry… dammit I can’t remember but there have been serious attempts at making mummies not evil.

    • cybrczch says:

      Originality isn’t profitable until it is proven. Old concepts already have a built-in audience.

      Just be glad they didn’t make them brooding emo zombies that sparkle in the sunlight…

  10. anarkie says:

    I don’t care for sears at all, but that site is great. First time I’ve been to Sears website in years, so I guess it worked in getting a few clicks.

  11. Sparkstalker says:

    Bravo to sears for this, and for not wimping out…for a large corporation, that’s fairly risky with the amount of gore shown…

  12. UCLAri: Allergy Sufferer says:

    Well, I guess this is one way for Sears to get some braiiiiiinnnnsss back into their business.

  13. Cheap Sniveler: Sponsored by JustAnswer.comâ„¢ says:

    This ought to please the Zombie Rights Movement.

    I expect soon they’ll be a “protected class”, along with drug addicts, alcoholics, Vampires, Werewolves and other allegedly disabled “people” under the Americans With Disabilities Act. They’ll be able to collect SS disability and live off us hardworking taxpaying citizens. And, if they’re dead, how can they be citizens? Wouldn’t that make them ILLEGALS? I mean, they smell bad, they’re dirty and nasty, and they breed like rabbits! I don’t want any of “their kind” living near me.

    If a family of their kind moves in down the street, I’m getting out the shotgun!

  14. Razor512 says:

    If sears whats better business how about this, stop charging twice as much as everyone else.

    • Cheap Sniveler: Sponsored by JustAnswer.comâ„¢ says:

      … AND THEIR ONLINE SHIPPING? Outrageous. “Site to Store” would be a great idea. Too bad they have no ideas.

  15. HogwartsProfessor says:

    Bwaa ha ha! This wouldn’t make me go to Sears, but it’s a great Halloween thing.

  16. Red Cat Linux says:

    Y’know what… I hate Sears, but this is classic! I love it – especially the one zombie with mirrored sunglasses on with the reflection of people in the lenses screaming in horror.

    That’s just awesome.

    Okay, now they need to change their inventory system, their cash registers, product lines and their irritating employees who are trapped in their outdated and frustrating retail model, and I’ll shop there again.

    But.. Cool Halloween site morph!

  17. Puddy Tat says:

    This is what you get when you sell out to a company like K-Mart….!

  18. INsano says:

    Who else do they think is going to shop there on Thanksgiving Day…

  19. Alternate says:

    You’d have to be dead to not find this funny.

  20. prplmnky says:

    Heaven forbid that any gay or interracial couples be featured for Sears ads.