Do Not Go To Kmart In Speedos And Terrorize Customers With A Sex Toy

That headline may have ruined your plans for the remainder of the weekend, but it’s for your own good. Seven college-age men were caught doing just that on Saturday at a Panama City Beach, Florida Kmart store. Police intervened, but the store did not prosecute.

The world learned of the incident through what may be one of the most hilarious police reports of all time.

“Upon my arrival I found a male attempting to leave the store. He was wearing a Speedo and sneakers,” a Bay County sheriff’s deputy wrote in his report on the incident, which struck the discount department store just before 5:30 p.m.

The deputy instructed that man to wait at the front entrance “while I rounded up the other individuals,” he wrote. He eventually got them all in one place.

One of them, an 18-year-old man from San Jose, Calif., “was wearing a white dress with red panty hose along with red lipstick,” the deputy wrote. The store manager said that man was walking around the front of the store with a double-ended adult sex toy “and at times he was placing it under his dress as if portraying it as his own sexual organ,” according to the report.

The group members were issued a trespass warning and will be arrested if they return to the Kmart, raising the inevitable question of what they’re going to do next weekend.

Seven in Speedos, panty hose disrupt K-Mart
[News Herald]