How To F@#$ing Shovel Snow

There’s a lot of snow in parts of the country that don’t seem to get snow that often. Thankfully, The Awl has some f*cking instructions about how to f*cking shovel the snow.

What, you don’t have boots?! (Rolls eyes). Okay, put on your Aldo dress shoes and put each foot into a few tall plastic bags, doubling or tripling up. Duct tape those fuckers on around your calves. You do have calves, don’t you? Yell to nobody in the house in particular, “I’m going out to shovel!”

Get your shovel.

You have one of those bent “ergonomic” shovels? (Sigh.) Fine. A plastic thing from Target? I suppose. Real shoveling is always and only done with aircraft-grade aluminum.

Open the door but do not step outside yet. Stepping on the snow just packs it onto the step and makes clearing it harder. Shovel the top step snow onto the second step. Shovel first and second step snow down onto the third. Repeat until you’re on a cleared spot on the landing. Turn around. Now scrape all the top step snow down to the second. Then to the third. Continue until all snow from the steps is on the landing then shovel that off to the side.

Go inside and chug another a fucking glass of red wine.

Yeah, that’s basically it. Just keep drinking red wine until it’s over or you pass out and they make someone else finish. Wait.

Here are some real instructions from Consumer Reports Health. They also recommend frequently replenishing your fluids. Just sayin’.

Snow is coming—shovel safely [CRH]