Detroit Airport Wants Passengers To Stop Showing Up So #%&*@$ Early

There’s a downside to media reports of airport mayhem. In Detroit, destination of the flight on which a failed alleged terrorist attack took place on Christmas Day, passengers expect additional security screening and are showing up early. Too early. Early enough that they’re screwing up the entire flight schedule.

“We are seeing long lines in the early morning, specifically at the Delta (and Northwest) check-in,” Scott Wintner, airport spokesman, said today. “The reason is that broadcast news keeps saying it is mayhem at the airport, and that’s not true. Folks are showing up 6 or 7 hours in advance, so folks showing up at 6 a.m. for an 8 a.m. flight are in line with travelers who showed up at 6 a.m. for a noon flight.

“It’s great that travelers are being careful to allow extra time, but that much extra time actually creates delays,” Wintner said.

Consumerist’s in-house translation service, the Megglefish, translated the airport’s statement from Passive-Aggressive to English for us. Here’s the result:

Look, you stupid motherf*ckers. You do not need to show up so early that all of you are sitting in the f*cking terminal at the same godawful hour, when we all want to be drinking coffee and making fun of your sweatpants in peace. I know this is your big important day, but can you please just have some common f*cking decency and not treat the airport like an Apple Store on iPhone debut day. Thank you.

- The airport

Thank you for clearing that up, Megglefish.

Airport officials: If travelers arrive too early, there will be delays [Detroit Free Press]