Charmin Rep Shows You How To Wipe (Video)

In this video spotted by the New York Times, a helpful Charmin rep demonstrates a heretofore unknown ability of Charmin Freshmates to wipe toothpaste off the human hand.

This comes at a great time for me, because I’ve had this gob of toothpaste stuck on my forearm for like three weeks and I had resigned myself to a fate of living with it forever.

Adult Toilet Training, From Madison Ave. [New York Times via Onion AV Club]
(Thanks, NORMLgirl!)

Comments

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  1. Cool story bro says:

    I do not feel patronised in any way. Thank you, Charmin!

    • SJActress says:

      @Cool story bro: Amen.

      I can’t stand this company’s ads at all. I don’t understand why they think a cartoon bear shitting in the woods and using their toilet paper is any less disgusting than just showing live human beings doing their thing in a bathroom. It’s like this campaign was designed by someone on LSD.

  2. jkinatl2 says:

    Thank God! I had a week’s worth of toothpaste on both arms.

  3. Gorphlog says:

    Wow and to think Ive been doing it wrong for 35 years

  4. Ananelle says:

    I kind of love the 90s alt music in the background.. I wanted him to break into some kind of angry love ballad just to make it all better.

  5. rpm773 says:

    If that dude is in the bathroom wiping toothpaste off of his arm with toilet paper, what hygienic horrors does his tooth-brushing routine consist of?

  6. pecan 3.14159265 says:

    There needs to be a video of someone using generic brand tissue, part of it tearing off and adhering to the glob of toothpaste, and the person going “Nooooooo!”

  7. justagigilo85 says:

    Two wipes barely handles dingleberries. Who made this guy the authority on wiping ass??

  8. MedicallyNeedy says:

    Nice idea with the wipes but where do I get that “Charmin” cleansing Anal-Paste!?

  9. Anonymous says:

    he said ‘sometimes’ it’s not enough to just use dry paper…I’m so confused; when do I know when dry paper ‘is’ enough?

  10. VagrantRadio says:

    okay, someone at this company in a high up position is smoking some drugs. First the ass-wiping bear commercials, now this?

  11. ElizabethD says:

    What about if you get toothpaste stuck on your … butt? Huh? What then? Can I use the Charmin wipes for that or what? (lol)

  12. TinaBringMeTheAx says:

    The presentation is awful, but his point is well taken.

    I am a big fan of Tucks medicated butt-wipes. Sometimes you just need a little something extra to feel fresh.

    I think the accompanying music would constipate me, however.

    • Hands says:

      @TinaBringMeTheAx: Glad to hear I’m not alone. I’ve used Tucks {actually either the CVS or Target store brands as I find Tucks too wet} for several years. I don’t even bother with toilet tissue anymore.

  13. witeowl says:

    Oh, finally it is all so clear to me! I need moist wipes because my ring and pinky fingers don’t work right with dry toilet paper!

    Seriously, couldn’t we have some real data about the hygienic/bacterial results of each without resorting to standard infomercial tripe of “Oh, this is hard and I’m a complete moron who can’t figure out how to hold a fork without my snuggieforkgrips”?

    • AreYouConfusedYet?HowAboutNow? says:

      @witeowl: Or the “Comfort Wipe”?

      “Toilet paper is archaic and disgusting.” Really? SO IS WIPING YOUR ASS WITH A RAG ON A STICK.

    • Cantras says:

      @witeowl: I posed for a photo-illustration about abstinence-only sex ed, and the picture has me, tongue out with concentration, condom on each hand, completely failing to put one on a banana. One of my friends commented that I looked like someone in an infomercial who couldn’t figure out how to use a kitchen knife or something.

  14. Brazell says:

    Kudos to the strange music.

  15. Garbanzo says:

    He didn’t demonstrate that dry paper isn’t enough. He demonstrated that two passes with dry paper isn’t enough.

  16. GitEmSteveDave_FeelsLikeABurningAngel says:

    Can we have different videos for each type listed on the Bristol Stool Scale? [en.wikipedia.org]

  17. Xerloq says:

    I don’t need this. I use the three seashells – especially after eating at Taco Bell.

    What a horrible movie.

  18. alexburrito says:

    Arrggghhhhh! I thought this was going to be a demo of “wiping” for toilet paper’s real use. I was scared!

  19. chrisholland03 says:

    How well will it wipe up the blood of the Charmin bears after Elmer Fudd finds them?

  20. hills says:

    All I know is Charmin has a grocery shrink ray – my favorite TP (aloe!) was discontinued and replaced with a smaller “jumbo” roll of a new product (lotion – aloe & vitamin e). It’s still soft, but not as good, and much much smaller, so it goes much much faster…..

  21. AllanG54 says:

    I avoid purchasing this product just by asking for extra Wet Naps when I go to a restaurant. They not only clean but smell lemony as well.

  22. redskull says:

    As much as Charmin costs these days, their tissue had better have a self wiping feature.

  23. FLConsumer says:

    Dry toilet paper = gross. Toto Washlet FTW. At the very least wet TP! We’d never imagine just wiping our hands on dry paper towels and call them clean, but apparently rubbing excrement into one’s posterior is acceptable. I never quite understood this paradox of western culture.

  24. SkokieGuy says:

    Perhaps some instructions are a good idea? I know a woman in a nursing home, who required the assistance of the staff to use the bathroom. Several FEMALE NURSES attempted to wipe her from back to front. Then again people like that are too stupid to be helped by package instructions.

    And on the subject of product without instructions for use what about cigarattes?

    Can you imaging contacting Phillip Morris: “Hello, I am an adult and wish to begin smoking. Do you have any intructions, tips or suggestions?”

  25. uber_mensch says:

    If you want to do it right.. then clean with a low flow water hose. Everyone in Asia knows this is the way to clean. Toilet tissue is for drying your butt.. not wiping.

  26. audiochick says:

    This floated (no pun intended) around our office after a passive-agressive email was circulated by HR. Maybe Charmin should include this with every package of Freshmates, just in case.

    How To Wipe Your Ass

    Introduction

    Wiping one’s ass in an art. One that is unique to each and every individual. But even so, I believe the way I do it is best. :P

    PART 1 – The Process

    First step is, to take a nice dump. For the best results, don’t make it runny, because that will effect how efficient you will be able to wipe your behind.

    Now you are ready to wipe! How thick or thin your toilet paper is plays an important role in sheet selection. If it is very thin, you may want to take a sheet or two more, but if it is thick, well yeah you get the picture. But anyway, let’s assume it’s normal thickness. A good amount to pull out for the first wipe is about 4 sheets. (sometimes more if your ass is real nasty from a wet turd)

    After pulling out the required amount, you fold it in half longways, twice. This gives you much more strengthening for the first messy wipe. Usually, on the very first wipe, I just do one sweep, and then toss it in. But if you aren’t too messy, you could get away with a wipe, folding it in half, and then wiping a 2nd time.

    After starting off the first few wipes with 4 sheets, you will be able to go down to just 3 sheets. This will be the normal process. Wipe, fold, wipe, toss. Now if you’re lucky, you can get away with 3 wipes in one trip. Wipe, fold, wipe, fold, wipe, BAM 2 points! This requires much care not to get poo on your digits. Only seasoned pros can pull this one off.

    ——————————————————————————–

    PART 2 – Technique

    I don’t know what other people do, but when I wipe, I rub it in there a few times nice and hard to get as much as I can in one swipe. Just gotta be careful not to rub too long, or the asshole fairies will nibble on your pinky. :o

    ——————————————————————————–

    PART 3 – Keep yourself clean!

    A very smart thing to do (especially in public toilets) is to lay down toilet paper on the seat before you sit down. I know this seems very stupid to do, but dude, do you really want to rub ass germs with about 100+ other guys? I didn’t think so. Also, when flushing (or putting the seat up and down), so as not to get germs on your hands, it’s always a good idea to use a sheet of toilet paper when touching the toilet. Another good use for the toilet paper, is that when you are done, it’s a good idea to wipe your wang off, instead of relying on just shaking. That way, you can avoid any and all pee stains you might get in your underoos.

    And finally…… WASH YOUR FREAKING HANDS EVERY TIME!!!! Thank you.

  27. H3ion says:

    A. Baby wipes. Same thing but probably with lotion.

    B. Bidet.

    C. Severe constipation so you won’t need toilet paper.

  28. SaraFimm says:

    I’d rather have a Bidet.

  29. Saboth says:

    You know, if you had added a few drops of water to the regular toilet paper, it would have done the same job (nevermind the fact the 2nd instance had like 1/10 as much toothpaste).

    What I really need is a video on how to wipe my ass. I think there is a better method than backing up to the roll and spinning it against my bottom then scrapping the crap off with a knife.

  30. biggeek3 says:

    In Charmins world, dookie is minty fresh.

  31. pwillow1 says:

    I’ve never really understood why Americans use the term “going to the bathroom” when they mean to say “using the toilet.”

    “Going to the bathroom” seems almost too euphemistic and genteel. I can understand saying it in a certain context:

    “I just passed John on the way in. Where’s he headed?”

    “He’ll be back in a sec. He’s going to the bathroom.”

    But if someone is already IN the bathroom and you’re outside trying the doorknob, it sounds sort of stupid for the person behind the door to say “I’m going to the bathroom!”

    No, you’re not going to the bathroom. You’re IN the bathroom USING THE TOILET.

    Don’t even get me started on people who use this term to describe the actions of animals. Fluffy and Fido did not “go to the bathroom” on your new carpet.