That's when I look for the "Not Attending"/"Not Going"/Whatever box on the RSVP note. Older couples.. MAYBE. That's still pushing it.

Jane Doe wants to have "the wedding of her dreams".. she, or the family, or the husband-to-be cuts the check.

Weddings cost 20-30k now? My wedding in March cost under $2000 and we had a formal wedding with a full dinner for 100+ people.

Cash was my favorite gift (who doesn't love money?) but I don't really think that it's right to ask for it, not even subtly. Unless someone asks you what you want. Then it's ok to tell them.

To think that the cost of the entire wedding will be recouped by gifts from guests is a far cry from reality. It is common now to go for a more simpler wedding...common sense plays more of a role. Just attended a wedding myself where they had a dollar dance...and the DJ announced that if cash was not available....checks, money orders and credit cards would be accepted..he was joking of course but then again, how true will that statement ring in the future....

Weddings are one of the most illogical things our society covets. The next would be funerals.

My sister was told by my Dad that he'd simply write her a check for the cost of the wedding, plus fly the wedding party to vegas for the weekend, so she could use the money as a downpayment on a house.

She didn't take it.

Great, so now you've got a book of photos from one day, two kids, a significantly larger mortgage payment every month. Stupid.

Remember, do smart things. Paying for a 'dream wedding' is not a smart thing, just like buying that high end coffin.

My wedding cost $17 for the licence, then we tipped the Justice of the Peace $20. My husband had just been drafted, we did not have a lot of time. Or money. Best $37 I ever spent! We loved each other just as much as a couple with at $30,000 wedding (DH died two years ago).

@farmerjeanh: I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband. I had a $50 wedding myself ($25 for the license, $25 to have the deputy borough clerk do the ceremony) and it's still working for me and my DH!

@travel_nut: You're right, that's insane for a wedding, and I have a hard time believing that is "average".

If I ever did our wedding over (my wife doesn't like me to talk about this in public) I'd do a potluck and tell people not to bring presents if they didn't want to. Heck, the vows are the important part, the reception should be an informal gathering of friends and family with little expectation placed upon them.

Asking for money from these people is a good way to strain relationships, as we've seen from MLM stuff.

Why not just not have a $30,000 wedding? It's absolutely possible, I promise.

@farmerjeanh: But... but... I thought you had to spend a lot of money to be happy???

Just kidding :)

A friend of mine rented out the gym of a school for the reception, had no alcohol, the food was a help yourself vegetarian buffet, and there was no band, they just put together a few CDs and played them on a large boom box. At the time I was insulted, but I think about it now and think it was smart, they probably made money on the deal.

I have attended a few weddings where the couple have used a honeymoon registry. I like the idea of gifting a couple with a bottle of champagne in their hotel room or scuba diving lessons while on their honeymoon.

Though, if I ever get married, my wedding will be me and my man traveling in Europe and sending postcards to all our friends saying that we got married.

@SnowingCookies: I always thought it meant Darling Husband or something.

@SnowingCookies: How about because he was being drafted and he might come back in a body bag?

@travel_nut: How did you pull off 100+ people for $2000?

@kmw2: "Military payouts for dead family members are great, aren't they!"

Dear Husband and I spent about $12,000 on our wedding. the most expensive part was the location, food, and cake ($7,000). I made the wedding party's clothing (was a Renaissance theme), the favors and the invitations. Our photographer was the sports photographer for the school (who did a fabulous job). The DJ also did the school events and cut us a great deal (MIL is trans supervisor for the school, yay connections). It's been over a year and we are still getting rave reviews for our fun wedding and it was worth every penny.

@SnowingCookies: woops, posted reply to wrong post. sorry about that

@Nicole: "Military payouts for dead family members are great, aren't they!"

@SnowingCookies:

Is this really appropriate?

@SnowingCookies: wow. I can't really think of anything more heartless than calling a military widow a golddigger because she wanted to marry the man she loved before he left and risked his life.

I sincerely hope farmerjeanh doesn't check back and read this.

@Englishee Teacher: did you not read the last paragraph in my post?

@SnowingCookies: Did you not realize that a half-hearted apology at the end of a rude statement doesn't affect how completely inappropriate it is?

As a rule, we give checks to couples getting married. Except in the case of people we're close to and know well ... in which case we give them a gift we KNOW they want (usually because they've put that gift request on a list somewhere) as well as a check (maybe for a smaller amount, depending on the cost of the gift).

Been doing that for decades. We don't plan to do anything different, going forward.

And while it may appear rude to say "no gifts, just money" or something like that, let's be honest ... why would anyone want to give a couple a bunch of stuff they don't need and would rather not get? Is it REALLY that important to anyone?

My wedding was a JP, and brunch at Denneys (only place close) cost about 100.00 total. Still happy and married after 10 years, so I guess the big wedding wasn't necessary for us

I'll be having a talk with my daughter if she's looking at a $20k wedding. Sorry, that's retarded. Of course, I suspect that she'll not be like that. Her mom is cheap, her aunts are cheap, her gramma is cheap.

I'm also a fan of giving stocks or bonds for wedding gifts.

Tacky, tacky, tacky. Can't afford the full Mafia wedding? Don't have one. Go with a barbecue in the park, or for something more traditional choose a morning wedding followed by cake and champagne. Any guest who won't be satisfied with anything less than surf and turf followed by a ten-piece band is not worth caring about.

@csdiego: Ouch! I didn't mean to post this as a reply to Syntania, just a general comment on the article. Sorry!

When I was in High School (late 1980's), I worked as a waiter at the local party house, and worked 2-3 weddings every weekend. It was quite common back then for the bride and groom to go through the card/money box when settling up the final bill searching for cash to put towards the bill.

@csdiego: We did the morning wedding w/cake & champagne - it was very nice. Still more elaborate than I wanted, but I caved to Mom and hubby's wishes. Afterward my parents had a casual bash and bonfire at their home. The whole thing was very reasonable and affordable, I wouldn't have it any other way.

When my wife & I had our wedding, we didn't ask for gifts at all, and we didn't make a gift registry anywhere.

The result of this, was that a few people gave gifts that they found and thought were neat, or something that was unique to the person giving the gift (we got some cool looking bowls that we never would have found on our own from my aunt, and a case of wine from my friend that runs a winery), but that most gave cash.

Everything was appreciated, thank you's were mailed and no-one was offended. It worked out very nicely.

@ngoandy: I was wondering the same thing -- less than $20/head for a formal wedding & full dinner is a heck of a bargain. Depending on where you live, it's hard to even go to the movies at that price.

@GuinevereRucker: My boyfriend's sister, who doesn't have a ton of money, didn't want to go into debt or ask family for money. She did wedding & reception in the same place, about 60 people, and they did potluck. Wedding cake? White cupcakes. It was fantastic, also because many of her friends also don't have a ton to contribute financially, but they can cook, and they felt like they were giving something. It was an awesome idea. Definitely seconded.

@GuinevereRucker: That's how my sister is doing her wedding, and I think it's going to turn out just lovely. No stress, no fuss, and it'll just be friends and family getting together to celebrate the two of them finally tying the knot.

@aswearengen: Put together a good playlist or two (for different moods) on an ipod, and rent a reasonable stereo system. that's inexpensive, but IMHO worth it...

@sicknick: I agree on weddings, but I get really heated about FUNERALS! Funerals can be the biggest rip off because they prey upon people, often in their most vulnerable time. When my mother in law suddenly passed, my father in law practically went into debt because he wanted to have a "traditional" funeral for her. It was such a waste of money and bad for the environment in so many ways.

@Pink Puppet: How about a whole-hearted apology before saying something utterly crushing, that should still be cool though, right?

I read DH as Deployed Husband, but that's just my guess, as most draftees didn't necessarily face that big of a chance of death until they were deployed.

@SnowingCookies: So your military spouse payout pays for your next full "dream wedding?" That sounds like quite a racket there.

@csdiego: You know, I don't think that is totally fair. I have never understood the mystique of the wedding gee-gaw, but my girlfriends, and most girls, grew up fantasizing about that perfect wedding. So it's maybe not about having the full mafia wedding, but more that it's something they've been thinking about for their entire life. At least this is what I can sort out - I'm a girl who stands in swamps to grab frogs and snakes, so clearly my perception is out of whack.

That doesn't mean they should spend $30k on something if they don't have it, but they should be able to try to make it work as best they can, free from judgment.

Do people actually want things like a marriage and a family because they genuinely want them, or because society has told them to want them.

The women I have dealt over the years just want what they saw in a television program or a movie or even grew up with through Walt Disney cartoon.

...they also get quite angry when a prenuptial agreement is mentioned (Hmmm) even in casual marriage conversations.

So now you know where I am coming from with my comment - and as for apology that was written at the end of it.

@farmerjeanh: Thanks for sharing and I apologize for the heartless and rude statements of SnowingCookies.

My husband and I got married a few years ago and we decided not to spend a ton of money on the wedding, just enough to have a nice wedding that reflected our personalities. Everyone had a great time. However, my sister did exactly what you did and we all agree that it was the smarter decision - she has no regrets.

I've always heard people comment that the more you spend on the wedding, the shorter the marriage lasts.

I'm sure it's not always true, but...if the average is 20-30k, and no one *I* know spends that much, and people on here are all posting about doing it for much less in recent years, then think about the high end of that range that would make that average 20-30k.

That high end - that's what I can't comprehend. But then, I've never been wealthy.

@aswearengen: I made money on my wedding. I paid $30 for the license, had a friend perform the ceremony for free, and my friends brought food and drinks. The gifts covered way more than the cost. $30k dream wedding? No thanks, I'll take a car and save the other $25k.

I'm about to be on the receiving end of this as I'm getting married next spring.

I have already purchased most of the traditional housewares (I've been a homeowner for over a year, so people can't even give me stuff for a "future house"). We registered at Bed Bath and Beyond, and we had the saleslady walk around with us to get a registry started - she was pretty frustrated since everything she suggested we add I already have. KitchenAid standmixer, set of Calphalon pots, knife set, set of pyrex - all purchased in the past.

I'm in a tough spot - we don't NEED much else for the home, so the registry is short - many of the items are less than $10 each. At the same time, I'm not going to put "Cash is preferred" on the invitation, as I feel it's inappropriate.

My fiancee's sister is getting married this fall and just isn't doing a registry, hoping people will get the hint - cash please.

I'll perform a wedding/marriage for the cost of dinner. I think giving someone the beginning of a hopefully happy lifetime together is worth a nice plate of Chicken Parm.

@SnowingCookies: Let's see...so you project your experience with women onto someone you don't even know, who simply said that she and her husband got married before he was deployed.

She didn't say WHEN this happened, or how he died, or how old they are or anything else. You're reading an awful lot into someone's comment, my dear. I suggest you get over your bitterness before it poisons you beyond all redemption.

@aswearengen: You were "insulted" by the inexpensive wedding? Did you feel your friends owed YOU a fancy wedding? They were getting married, not you. Yes, it was smart of them to save money on the wedding, but whether the wedding was smart or stupid should not have affected your enjoyment of your friends getting married.

Giving money is a pretty common tradition in some Asian country. In Taiwan and mainland China, new couple can usually earn some money from the wedding. It sounds a little weird but since everyone is doing the same, it is actually a fair game.

It makes you an even bigger looser is you never get married in your whole life, tho :p

@sicknick: We don't know much about the afterlife, but we do know this: God likes those who travel in style.

A gift is just that - a GIFT. It's not an obligation. If you invite someone to your wedding they are not required to bring a gift. Asking for money to pay for the wedding is completely tasteless. It's a party hosted by the bride and groom to celebrate their union. Turning it into a gift grab or expecting the guests to foot the bill is a big etiquette NO. If you get an invitation like that, the proper response would be to respectfully decline.

The wedding industry has taken advantage of the little girl's dream of a Barbie wedding and turned it into a huge moneymaker. They push all these "traditions" on people and advertise to them by saying that you must have this or that for your dream wedding. You don't NEED any of these things. Weddings are supposed to be about the marriage, not the dress. It turns brides into 'zillas and makes a huge load of stress. Brides who don't fall for it can get a lot of flack and that's just not right. Of course, some brides are just 'zillas anyway!

For me, my dream wedding would be to marry the man I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, regardless of whether we spent $50 or $5000.