This reads like one of those snarky posts that one frequently sees in the craigslist "for sale" section. Interesting read though.

" "Grandma's house!"

Hasn't been updated since she moved in and the purple shag carpet smells like her."

Sounds sexy

@The Porkchop Express: Only if it smells like her when she was alive though.

Park-view = overlooks cemetery

Nearby nightlife = next door to loudest club in city

Perfect for flight attendants = close to the airport = in flight path.

Cozy = small
Quaint = small with patterned wallpaper
Jewelbox = small with dark walls
Rustic = might not have indoor plumbing
Rural = 35 miles to the Piggly-Wiggly

I saw a listing that said the neighborhood had "a feeling of exclusion."

Given the low level of written language skills evidenced in MLS listings, they could have been thinking of "exclusivity" or "seclusion" but I think they were just smartly appealing to wealthy racists.

'"Period home"

A 1700's home in original condition with a summer kitchen in the basement.'

I admit, I'd be tempted by this one!

So true, so true!

I've seen the handyman's dream home. Enough plaster missing it'd take several gallons of it to repair. 2x4's for door "trim", back end of the house LITERALLY falling off (you could feel the separation through the carpet). Kitchen designed without a stove in mind (literally--the stove was placed in front of one of the two doors to the outside in the kitchen). 5 foot tall basement that reeked of must. "Insulation" consisted of placing a large piece of (now molded) insulating batting between the unusable kitchen door and the screen door mounted in front of it.

Formed cement wood/coal burning furnace had been smashed, but jagged 1 foot pieces remained attached to the floor. "New" (as in 1960's new) gas furnace didn't fit properly, so several 4 foot holes were smashed through the concrete (smashed as in take a sledge to the wall until it's that size and give up).

Basement had floor-to-ceiling concrete divider along the length of it. 3 different electrical systems (Knob and tube, aluminum, and copper) going to three different pony panels. Lead water service pipe (we're guessing) of a totally abnormal size. Holes in the floor patched with cut 2x4s (nothing covering them, obviously).

Bathroom had 1.5 feet of space in front of the tub (yet they chose to place a pedastal sink in front of it, which jutted into the tub area by about 1/2 foot--the toilet required negotiation of this obstacle). Several bricks falling off the sides of the house.

6 foot deep (literally) back yard backing onto known-dangerous high school play yard. Front yard had a lovely view of various (years back) failed industrial companies and a still running meat packers that sold "discount wholesale cuts". Unpaved driveway (more like grassway at this point). And it was on a one way street to boot. Real estate agent said the couple living there were moving back to Newfoundland. Those from Canada know why I couldn't stop laughing after that.

BTW: That wasn't the worst house I've seen. There's been some I drove by so bad I'd feel safer in the local prison (EVERY SINGLE WINDOW on the bottom floor smashed [clearly for a long time, it's still unimpaired today], although people were still living there!) There's one I called about and the agent said he'd give me a tour, but I needed to bring hard hat and steel toe boots as the back side of the house caved in and there was a 10+ foot gaping area in the house and no real upper floor anymore... That was listed as a "FIXER UPPER".

@futuresuperbowlMVPJayCutler: Maybe the feeling of exclusion refers to people staying out of your business? Sounds like the perfect place to relocate if I were a sex offender.

"Damp basement in the spring"

In one case there was three feet of water, literally rushing through the basement. The listing agent explained to us that this was an unusually wet spring and it would dry out quickly when the warm weather arrived."

Clearly should have been listed as "Riverfront views!"...

My favorite was from when my boyfriend and I were house-hunting. We'd found a house on 1.7 acres with a stream running through it, needing "a little TLC" for $130k.

We go on our own to see if people are living there so we can look around or if we want to schedule a viewing,and we get to the front door and there is a small 8.5"x11" sign: "REALTORS, ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK. HOUSE HAS MOLD." or something to that effect.

"Needs A little TLC" is not the same as "needs fire".

"Motivated Seller:" This house is on fire.

@JulesNoctambule: Me too!

Pool: call

We have an empty hole in the back, fill it with water for a pool. Fill it with dirt for no pool.

"Addendums override local contract" is not just for short sales but also foreclosures. You reach a verbal agreement using the local contract and then sign addendums that the bank sends which are essentially 20 pages of CYA for the bank...

And short sales suck...I've waited 5 months in some cases for a response from the bank.. I only go after short sales for clients if the deal is outstanding and the clients moving time frame is very flexible...

@shepd:

1st rule of fight club.....

"As-is"

This normally means that the seller doesn't want to do any repairs. However, don't assume that if significant defects are identified during a home inspection that you can't negotiate for corrections or compensation. That ability depends on what is in the purchase contract, not what is in the listing description.

On a serious note... this is true, even for minor fixes. A house I just purchased recently had a 2 year old hot water heater with a burnt out elemnet. Despite the 'as is' addendum in the contract, they still honored the requrest to fix the hot water heater.

@The Porkchop Express: Mothball-lavender scent? Ick.

In NYC, "Investment Property" usually means that the apartment is rented to a rent-controlled tenant -- which you get with the property. The only way you can move-in is to coerce the tenant out with a bribe (they have first right renewal on the controlled lease) and since you can't raise the rent over a certain percentage, you'll be renting at below market level for a long time. In the meanwhile, while you're waiting for your tenant to die, you'll have to upkeep the appliances and fix anything that needs fixing. And if you're lucky, your tenant will not deed his/her lease to a relative -- which starts the process all over again. There are stories abound (some true, others most likely not) of tenants outliving their landlords by 20, 40, 60 years.

I've been tempted to try one of these deals, but having to upkeep an apartment four times the size of my own while getting paid less than the mortgage is worth might drive me to murder.

People still acquire dwellings?

@shepd: I once saw a place where the 'bathroom' in a completely unfinished basement was an old filthy toilet placed on a concrete shelf two feet off the ground. No step to it, no fixture for toilet paper, and the sink was the utility sink on the other side of the basement.

@JulesNoctambule:

Me three!

@ikimashokie: You failed to understand that "stream running through it" referred to the house, and not the lot.

@SkokieGuy: "Park-view = overlooks cemetery" Just around the corner from us they opened an "Independent Living for mature adults" neighborhood. They had single family homes, condos & apartments, pool and excercize facilities and some retail locations. When they were constructing the neighborhood, they had signs plastered all over the place touting that it was in a "Convenient Location". The neighborhood was located next to a cemetery.

I looked at one that "needed updating" = entire kitchen needed to be replaced. It was also on "3 acres" = of overgrown brush that I'd have had to hire someone to remove.

Another I looked at had been "recently renovated" = they bought new appliances for the kitchen and had added another room...but neglected to invest in the tilting foundation. I would have had to lift the entire house and replaced or repaired the entire foundation.

The house I ended up in is great, but it requires "some electrical updates" = a breaker box installed over the old coils that are there. You just have to pick your poison, I think, though, and understand that your house should provide Mainly what you're looking for, and the rest you can update at will.

I won't call my house an investment, but I will say I have NEVER derived so much satisfaction from arriving home to any apartment I've ever lived in.

"As-is" on a REO/bank-owned property means no repairs will be done because the seller is a bank, not a person, and has never lived in or probably even seen the property. Anything that happens before the papers are signed and recorded is not their problem. As was the case with my house when the washer and dryer disappeared somewhere in the six-week period between inspection and closing. "Sucks for you," was basically the seller's agent's reply.

Oh man, this reminds me of one of my new favorite blogs. It's Lovely! I'll Take It! manages to find the most hilarious and tragic photos from real estate listings and then makes them even funnier somehow. My favorite is the chair meme.

@The Porkchop Express: My GF tells me stories of her grandmother in Texas, who had a house with shag carpeting throughout.

*Throughout*.

Shag carpet in the laundry room.

Shag carpet in the kitchen.

Shag carpet in the bathroom!!!

It was the 1970s, we get that, but. . . oh God, the thought disgusts me. Just thinking about all the things that must have. . . dropped over the years.

@B: I sooo miss Phil Hartman. . .

@meechybee: Ahhh, rent control. A.K.A. East Germany's most enduring gift to Manhattan.

The description of my house was reasonably accurate; at least for the main living spaces; they said the place was in "mint" condition. The seller had redone the great-room, formal dining room, kitchen and a hall bath quite nicely but the bedrooms and a den still had ugly 10+ year old rose colored carpet, awful wallpaper border and needed paint. Not a big deal for 2 first time buyers though; we bought new carpet, took off the border and re-painted everything.

Aside from the 20 year old but still very much alive kitchen appliances the place looks almost new. I'm not going to even bother replacing those until they're completely kaput anyway.

Here in southern AZ you always see the "low maintenance yard"....i.e., gravel and cacti.

@johnarlington: Who wouldn't?? Elements cost $5 at the local hardware store, and it's pretty simple to drain a tank, remove the elements and install the new ones, refill the tank and turn it back on.

They'd be pretty thick headed to ruin a good sale over something as simple as that!

(used to do plumbing with my father)

"Livable", a 3 room shack where you could see thru both the floor and the roof and the bathroom was on the back porch.

"4 bedroom", 1 *normal* bedroom, 1 room with the closet in the hallway, 1 room with the closet under the eave accessed by a 2 ft high door, and part of the attic with 5.5 ft ceilings.

"Needs new carpet", cat urine everywhere. The smell would make your eyes bleed.

"Secluded Country Setting", I had to engage the 4wd on my truck to get up the driveway...in August.

"Needs updating", all the appliances, cabinets, light fixtures, plumbing fixtures, water heater and furnace were gone. The previous owners were in the process of taking the front door off when the Sheriff stopped them.

"Conveniently Located", between the rifle range and the airport.

"Future Potential", lot was all steep hillside and couldn't get septic approval.

I could go on and on. I love the house I eventually bought, but I am still emotionally scarred from my year long house hunt.

"easy to maintain lawn": AKA, the city seized the front lawn as part of the road widening project. There is now 6' between the home and the side walk. If the city could have reduced the distance to only 5', trust me they would have if they could have.

"Fuse Box": Run Away. The house has not seen a licensed electrician since the 1950's

"perfect for apartment dwellers": You think your apartment is small, you ain't seen nothing yet.

"driveway": Don't have no garage, don't even have a carport, so we mention the house has a driveway.

"Detached fill-in-the-blank": There is a good reason it is detached from the house. Most likely the building is a code hazard inspection away from being condemned.

"Can be subdivided": You can say it, doesn't mean it is true. Might want to check with code inforcement before you even thing about this one.

"Rent to buy": Can't scam you out of your money the old fashion way, so I scam you out of your money the creative way.

@johnarlington:

Basically if you can find it, it can be fixed, if you can't find it then it is yours to fix.

I got (minor) burned by the use of the word "newer" in the sales listing - as in, newer furnace and AC. We bought during the winter when everyone has their AC's covered, and after we uncovered it in the spring we learned that the AC was ~25 years old, and it died a few years later.

When I asked my agent about this glaring inaccuracy, he pointed out that in Illinois, the contract, not the listing, is the final authority (probably everywhere too) and that you can't go back and challenge what you got against the listing, at least in court. My only provision under the contract was to inspect the AC prior to buying.

So I ask the inspector, "hey, what gives?" since he had given the house a fairly clean bill of health and didn't mention the aged AC. He told me that "Due to liability issues, we do not uncover air conditioners during inspections anymore."

Fortunately the furnace was in fact newer. Replacing the AC ended up costing me around $3500. Lesson learned.

i did not buy this house:

[www.flickr.com]

the listing talked about the ready to finish basement with recent renovations. as far as i can tell from the pictures, the recent renovations were probably removal of the bloodstains, bricking the bodies up in the wall and locking the door to nowhere [which, from the way it faced, would have opened to the dirt under the front stoop. or, you know, the grave under the front stoop

"Up-and-Coming Neighborhood" - Don't go out at night.

@grebby: that would be why my buyer's agent specifically listed each of the appliances that we saw in the house on the offer to purchase. the house wasn't 'as-is' but regardless, that would have meant that if they disappeared before the closing that the sellers would have had to account for them.
also why i did a walk through the evening before the 11 am closing.

@jp: it's the addition of the non native half dead palm tree that makes it high maintenace. i grew up in florida and on a few visits to a friend in AZ [with aforementioned gravel and cactus landscape] i saw more wilting withered palm trees than i ever saw in florida

i am reading all of these home buying horror stories, thinking about the ones i read while i was house hunting earlier this year....
and i can only say "nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!"

i bought from the best people EVER.
they kept [and left behind for me, neatly organized] every user manual for ever appliance, light fixture and even the thermostats.
there's a stack of sheets of drywall and a small pile of lumber in the attic for repairs.
there was a drawer in the kitchen with extra light bulbs.
hanging on a hook in the laundry room was a faucet repair kit.
all the previous paint from the house's room corresponds to a half gallon can for touch ups left in the utility room.
there's a stack of replacement drapery rods leaning in a corner of the utility room.
a full selection of cleaning products was on the shelf in the pantry and under the kitchen sink.

i am seriously considering sending them a nice christmas present this year for their RV lifestyle

they did take their garden hoses, of course, though. they live in an RV now and kind of need those to fill the water tanks.

As someone who comes from a family of real estate agents - and has helped many friends and relatives through the housing process - I think this is incredibly unfair to the industry. I'm disappointed that this article conforms to stereotypes about snarky bloggers making generalizations from the comfort of their living rooms

@SkokieGuy: If you live in Skokie, you'll understand. We bought recently in Evanston and found that "borders eco area" is roughly equal to "living near nocturnal wildlife such as possum, skunk, raccoons and coyotes". Noticed that in the listings of several rundown properties, pictures of local parks are more numerous than the property itself.

Also keep in mind that in this economy, most agents can't refuse a customer just because they want too much for their crap property. Some people want exactly what they paid ten years ago even though they've let the house go by the wayside. Some people have lived (and loved) their home for so long that it's difficult for them to see anything wrong with it. Keep in mind that most realtors aren't purposefully trying to screw you when they sugarcoat a property they list, but they're trying to keep the sellers - the people who are paying them - happy. If as a buyer you keep a watchful eye and use a trustworthy agent who can cut through the clutter, sugarcoated listings shouldn't affect you. If anything, sugarcoated listings are more insidious when done by rental agents who are desperate to say anything to get a lease signed - often preying on students, the poor or young adults.

Fixer Upper = Grey Gardens, raccoons and all...

@shepd: Did you take pictures?

@Shoelace: We saw a house that had a listing for "toilet on first floor" and didn't think twice about it. Turns out there was a toilet on the enclosed (by windows) back porch right next to the washing machine and dryer.

The house I'm renting now was listed through a real estate office, who called it a "great value."

Which means that:

* there is mold in the basement
* we've found mouse baits in the laundry room (and some nearby turds to go with them)
* there is a wire down in the backyard (naturally my toddler went right for it)
* the air conditioning doesn't work properly
* the power goes out every other day
* two of the four burners on the stove don't work
* the doorbell doesn't work
* the gutters are clogged
* the furnace is about 312 years old
* there were dead bugs mashed into the walls in several places when we moved in

And that's just the beginning.

Great value, my ass.

@B: Homer: "This would be a good house once we got the cats out."
Agent: "The cats own the house. You'd be their tenants." (Rrrrowwww!)

Lisa: "I wish we could live in the kitty house."
Bart: "I could train them to be my unholy army of the night....Kill, my pretties...kill...."