Revolutionize Your Butt With Winkers Jeans
Move over Snuggie, there's a new clothing-based innovation in town—and instead of hiding your curves under a human fumigation tent, this one turns your butt into fashion fuel and then sets it on fire! Best of all, if you want to be the president of the Winkers club and not just a member, licensing is available. Oh yes, of course there's a video clip.
Winkers have to be custom ordered, and the inventor has some notes about what sorts of clothing work:
...if the leg is too loose and hangs from the widest part of the buttocks the pants will not wink. Some dresses and lingerie will also wink. I do not have a satisfactory way to decorate lingerie though. Perhaps later. Taking all into consideration men's pants will wink also. Many slacks and overalls do not wink very well though, because they are too loose.
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Comments:
I'm not sure which has my jaw dropping more -- that someone managed to design these in the first place, or that people might actually consider wearing them.
No. Just...no.
And if your ass is way too big it would look like Marty Feldman staring back at you. I'll pass.
But somebody's really thinking there.
I want more people to look at my fat ass! ;-)
Wake me up when theres a jeans that lets me wank (comfortably) while wearing it.
But can I get them customerized with Michael Vick's name and put them on my dog?
or customized, even
Honestly, can you imagine wearing these in public?
Also, nice choice in picking some of the models! I realize that it would be tough to find people who would wear these pants out, but some of these women - - OUCH!
Judging by the models, I'm assuming these don't lend well to flat white-girl butt. I dont think they'd wink properly...maybe just squint a bit.
@Bellor: You say that now. But what happens when men start following you with cameras and filming your butt?
Ok, the owl ones kinda look like Poop-Gone-Wild!
And people wonder why terrorists hate us!
was that video from the 80s?
Do you remember those crude, cheesy animated GIFs that were so popular on websites in the early to mid 90's? Have you, like so many people, wished you could have something like that on your ass? Well look no further!
Zippers, ugh.
Psssh.... Call me when something is developed to decorate an old fashioned American FUPA.
Do. Not. Want.
@Bellor: As an added bonus, you cold fart in public and claim that's just a built-in duck call sound effect.
I want me a pair of them video clapper jeans...Action...Cut....Action...Cut...Action...Cut...
I give him credit. He has managed to desexify the derriere and de-objectify women.
This music will appear in my nightmares for weeks. I hate you, Walters.
Patent pending? So would that be a design patent, or a utility patent?
@dewsipper: "Ok, the owl ones kinda look like Poop-Gone-Wild!"
Thank you. You managed to convey my same thoughts but in publishable language.
You know.. I never thought that there could be anything worse than the sweatpants that had huge words written on the butts of them...
I was clearly wrong.
I think I'm going to be sick.
@Kimaroo - 20% More Kitty Added!: Yeah, my ranking system now needs a tweak, thanks intertubes.
#1, with a winking bullet: Winkers
#2: Pocketless jeans
#3: SuperAssWord Sweatpants
Those models walk like they're terribly uncomfortable in those poorly fitted jeans.
@Laura Northrup: I think it's the score to pretty much any straight-to-video horror movie made between 1979 and 1984.
@veg-o-matic: How could pocketless jeans be worse than SuperAssword Sweatpants? (I love your name for those.)
@Kimaroo - 20% More Kitty Added!: At least the sweatpants give the unfortunate viewer something to ponder..
"Hm, I wonder if Iowa State really is a quality institution"
"I, too, enjoy "SPORTS," this young lady and I have much in common."
"My favorite color is aubergine, but "PINK" is also lovely. I wonder how "AUBERGINE" would look on my ass"
Pocketless jeans.. just wrong. It's a lose-lose. The wearer loses valuable storage space and the walk-behind-er loses valuable contemplation space.
I like the clappers best, but the other ones just look weeeird.
I'm sure someone will make an 'O RLY?' from the owl one..
@veg-o-matic: But.. I don't want to ponder if that person's butt is really "JUICY" or not.
Besides.. back pockets on women's jeans are esentially useless anyhow.. I never use mine.
I don't own any pocketless jeans.. so I'm not attached either way.. but I hate AssWord pants more than anything.. Well, not anymore.. but you get the idea.
It's like watching a lava lamp, a lava lamp made of butts.
seriously, warn people to turn off the volume - that "music" is NSFH (not safe for hearing)
This concept would work better with shorts, because people often have silly designs on their shorts. With full length pants it just looks stupid. The owl pants looked like she sat on a container of chocolate pudding.
@Kimaroo - 20% More Kitty Added!: The pockets may be useless, but it provides some design styling that looks better than a large undecorated expanse of denim.
As for "JUICY", it's better than "Guess". Okay, lady - 235 lbs?
@MostlyHarmless: Unless you're a public masturbator, I see no reason to be wearing pants while you do the deed.
...about the only place I could see a "market" for this might be on the orange-hot-pants-clad asses of Hooters girls.
Seriously, though...is it just me, or would their promotional video work better if it had, er, less scalable derrieres featured in it? I would covet just about anything found on the ass of, say, Megan Fox. Something that's found on the ass of, oh, Barbara Walters for example...just isn't going to be all that interesting to me.
I have an idea: Mix the Winker jeans with the "I ran into Tammy Faye Baker at the Mall" t-shirts. You could have jeans with "I sat on Tammy Faye" that wink at you.
@Kimaroo - 20% More Kitty Added!: I will concede the point on juicy. Terrible. Grad school on a huge state university campus exposes me to too many AssWord pants, for which I've simply developed coping mechanisms.
It's also true that back pockets don't serve us as much as they do the boys, save for the odd night of going out sans purse.
I think, despite our differences, we can agree to put all three styles in the same sub-group of "Unacceptable Rear-wear"
See, why can't town hall meetings be this informative and civil? I've had my ass-decoration views challenged and been able to express myself with dignity. That's all I ask for in a discussion about the bum.
These are by far the coolest jeans I have ever seen. Ever. I wouldn't mind strutting around in a pair of the ducks.