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Tell Your Great-Grandchildren To Protect Their Money In 2139

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When Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison, they weren't kidding around. Here's a screencap of his profile in the U.S. federal prison system database. He's in the system as scheduled for release in 2139.

Inmate Locator [Federal Bureau of Prisons] (Thanks, Matt!)

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Even better, teach your grandkids the golden rule of investing, if it seems too good to be true, it is.

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So they're going to dissect his brain to find out his secrets?

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What? No avatars for the profiles?? Here ya go, Bernie. Just for you:

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Bernie's failure was in not knowing when to take the loot and head for a sandy beach. He could have easily disappeared years ago a billionaire several times over.

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I'm sure there's a reason for this, but isn't that only 130 years? Is that when he's eligible for parole? If so, I doubt it'll be much of a motivator for him to exhibit good behavior.

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Did anyone hear that episode of This American Life where the father talked to kids out of investing with Madoff? All he said was "you shouldn't put all your money in place." They didn't, and the rest is history.

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In the federal prison system you have to serve at least 80% of your sentence, but that would be 2129.
I don't get the extra 10 years, unless the 80% requires good behavior, which we know Bernie won"t be capable of because he'll be scamming the other con all the time.

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@deverbative: That show is addictive, isn't it? I remember that show.

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@PTWhipplebang: Perhaps two sentences run concurrently instead of consecutively?

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@ajlei: In this case, it doesn't matter. He will be long dead.

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Money as we know it won't even exist in 2139, they'll be replaced by "virtua-banks" implanted in our forearms that can be randomly controlled by the government. Therefore, everyone will have the "correct amount" of money for their daily sustenance.

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@ajlei: Maybe the date is projected based on if he gets parole or something.


Alternatively, a clerk could have entered the wrong number by accident and no one's bothered to fix the typo.

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@Digitizer: "randomly controlled"

That's contradictory to itself.

Random:

proceeding, made, or occurring without definite aim, reason, or pattern: the random selection of numbers.
at random, without definite aim, purpose, method, or adherence to a prior arrangement; in a haphazard way: Contestants were chosen at random from the studio audience.

Control:

to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.
Authority or ability to manage or direct

If "everyone" will have the correct amount, then it is not random. If it's random, it's not controlled.

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@Digitizer: But will those scanners work if under a thick layer of fluffy fur? Because if not, how will the kittehs eat? How will the KITTEHS eat?!!

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@Digitizer:

Grandchildren won't exist in 2139, after we've turned to harvesting clone "blanks" for spare parts to ensure our own immortality and the government has banned conventional reproduction after reaching the optimum levels of society.

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I still do not understand the difference between Bernie's scam and the one run by AIG. Did any of those geniuses go to jail? We just gave them more money...

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I'm not sure whats more impressive. The fact that he has such a imprisonment or that the US government's federal prison computer system can handle the 21xx dates.

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@montusama: That was my first thought too. I wonder if their systems were all up-to-date before Y2K. I'm guessing they have 12/31/9999 as someone who gets life.

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@B: As if Madoff will even be alive until 2139.

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@Muhammed T Prophet: What I have yet to hear is if he is eligible for any sort of parole or early release. I really don't want to see him out on the street in five years.

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@bohemian: You do realize that federal crimes do not have early release into parole, or good behavior, and even if they did, would require 33% 66% or 90% of the sentenced time served. Even at 33% it would be 50 years before he is out, well beyond his life expectancy.

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@ajlei: Maybe a technical limitation on the date. Like y2k

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@paulrules: Bet it's the only way they'll get them - he ain't talking.

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At the rate that the federal government is spending our great-grandchildren's money, the only swindler they will have to worry about is the IRS.

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@BZMedia: He's a good guy--he protected his family. Personally, I would have bought a new one when I got sick of the Russian models...nah, I'm too cheap.

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2139? That's a hell of a long time for Madman Madoff to keep a cigarette ponzi scheme going without getting discovered by his peers.

That boy had better keep his nose clean for the next 100-150 years or he's ripe for a shankin'...

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@Winteridge2: AIG had better lawyers and plausible denial for their crimes? Also were international and bought the kind of "regulation" that looks the other way when these crimes were being committed. No doubt the fact that Goldman Sachs is getting loads of the money the government is funneling through AIG had something to do with it, too.

Thank you Ronald Reagan, Jack Abramhoff, Greenspan and the rest of your scummy neocon crew. The seeds you planted in the early '80s are now finally flowering like a thousand points of light, Bernie is but a petal in the rose.

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@undefined: I hardly even see money now as it is. Everything's done by VISA/debit card or online payment.

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What if Madoff is Nosferatu? Fear the undead criminal investor.

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@BZMedia: In the future, randomly is a synonym of remotely. Also, Christmas is spelled (and pronounced) X-mas. And there is soylent cola. Mmmm. People-licious

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@BZMedia: This is the downfall of 99% of the scammers out there. Lou Pearlman, Bernie Madoff, even the Enron crew. If they had just stopped early, they could have lived a rather nice life in a foreign country. Instead their greed is what got them caught.