Putting Tampons Through Rigorous Comedy Testing
The last time Consumer Reports tested tampons was in 1995. Fortunately, Ball Saxbury is here. He bought a variety of tampons and tested them to see which is the least absorbent. Because, who better to test tampons than a man using next to no actual science? Exactly.
The cashier at his local Walmart evidently didn't understand the importance of his quest.
When I went to check out, my cart contained eight boxes of tampons, a bottle of fruit punch, a bottle of transmission fluid, a can of tomato juice, and hamburger meat. As the woman working the register was scanning in my items, she stared straight down and didn't make eye contact with me. I asked her to hit the "credit" button for me, and she started laughing nervously.
Well, at least it wasn't blue fluid.
The entire process starts with the trip to Walmart and incorporates an oxyacetylene torch, taste testing, and, of course, ground beef.
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Comments:
What, no Clamato?
;-)
How do you viciously test tampons?
oooh.. oh no.. OH GOSH.
I say you get a real lady to test this out, and she has to viciously (and I mean viciously) PMS on them. There is no other choice.
@Professional_Iceberg_Hunter: yes, because the time tampons are most needed is the pre-menstrual period.
Just wondering - have you ever met a woman? Like, in person?
Hey Laura, where's the photo credit?
That's work by Heidi Kenney of My Paper Crane. [mypapercrane.com]
@The_IT_Crone: Wo-man? what is this "wo-man" you speak of?
Look, buddy, I am working on two essays right now (one being on eugenics/racism and the other one being on abortion). I don't need your cruddy common sense right now. What I need is coffee and a better chair.
Maybe I'm just incredibly savvy, but I have never had an issue with easily getting a box of tampons open. I'm assuming this same person has problems opening boxes of cereal, cans of soda and desk drawers.
I know I always worry about Exploding Vagina Syndrome when considering my tampon purchases!
Because, yes, tampons are dipped INTO vaginas that are as wide as Mason jars and filled 1/3 of the way full of liquid. Now had he set something up with vertical drippage onto the tampon with something that kind of resembled a vagina, I'd be impressed. (There's a little sheet inside the box that tells you how much absorbancy each tampon will hold.)
He was almost on point with the transmission fluid but had he paired that with thin slices of, maybe beef liver, he'd be on point. And $1 says he's clueless about the "Surprise! I'm not done!" day and the "tapering" day(s).
Basically, absorbancy depends on an individual woman's flow - which can be erratic. And how dare he not mention TSS? That's dangerous, man!
Menstrual blood has different consistencies and depends on which phase you're at. It can range from watery to cranberry jelly-like consistency and viscosity. Guys just don't get it.
I'm a sanitary pad chick myself and Instead for days when feeling frisky.
@Vanilla5: Ok, he did mention TSS - but it comes from using a tampon that's TOO absorbant for your current flow. Not one that's not absorbant enough.
Thank you, Consumerist, for posting a link to that awesome write-up. The tampon applicator flute gave me the giggles for the entire video. That totally made my night.
I am looking forward to the scientific version tho...
@Wendy Sloan: I totally tried Instead but couldn't get with it. It didn't seem like it was for me. But they were really nice about their 100% money-back guarantee. I sent them my receipt telling them it wasn't for me but it was probably a good product for someone. They sent me a check for my money back, including the tax I paid on it.
@kateblack: Ooof, the original post didn't give a photo credit, so I assumed it was his. I'll change the illustration.
No blue liquid, the tests were faked. I've seen enough tv and magazine ads in my time...
Heavens forbid that commercials use a red liquid for demonstration purposes... It might offend our sensitive puritan senses...
Now excuse me will I go back to my movie marathon of 300, Kill Bill, Hot Shots, and Evil Dead.
I call shenanigans until we get a panel of vampires to conduct a blindfolded taste test.
@Wendy Sloan:
There are SO many reasons I thank God I am male.
Those are some of them.
We Men need to ALL thank the Women for putting up with all of that, if it was a mens problem we'd all have it cut out on our 13th birthdays and the race would have died out long ago.
@Vanilla5: He did mention TSS. Like, several times.
And the article was supposed to be more comedic than scientific. Sheesh.
@WillG:
If we bled monthly, we'd be taking pills to stop the monthly bleeding, and no more procreation would occur.
Also, major over share Wendy. WAY over.
I once knew a guy, who was a college student, after many years of sex ed, who still thought girls had their period from the same place they peed. I mean, really?
It's sort of funny how guys go all "O_o" when a girl discusses their period. Or how they try and say it's like getting kicked in the balls. Sorry fellas, I know that hurts like the dickens, but it's no match for cramps that feel like a rusty, serrated knife that's stabbing your insides for five days straight...
looking forward to his tests on pads, panty liners, and THE CUP.
@KCChiefsFan: Wouldn't really matter anyway since the pills make you nuts. The entire race would have offed themselves or each other before the lack of procreation would even be an issue.
I regret opening this link.
@WillG: Margaret Cho had a great bit about what would happen if men got periods. She basically said our bachelor apartments would look like a murder scene because we wouldn't be above using an old sock (or some other funky item) for a pad.
@undefined: @Hate_Brian_Club_I'mNotOnlyThePresidentI'mAClient: Thank you! I'm a chick and I didnt even want to read that.
His results are correct. Equate is by far the least absorbent brand out there.
I'll spare you people the horror stories, though.
@Adrienne Willis: This whole train of thought, and her post, made me want to find the development team behind Depo-Provera and kiss them. Oh God, cranberry jelly.
@Alicia Johnson: I don't have a problem with tampon boxes, but I do actually have a problem with boxes of cereal, as well as crackers, pasta, and that ilk. WHAT are they gluing boxes with these days? I think it's actual cement, and it is VERY liberally applied.
@Wendy Sloan: I LOVE Instead. So comfortable! And the cute purple packaging! (I know the latter is a terrible reason for favoring a product, but I can't help myself.)
Consumerist created the tag "Lady Parts" for this!?!?
Are we expecting this to be a theme for future articles?
Will legions of thrifty spenders be searching for bargains in this area?
Or heaven forbid, consumer reports test results?
"We found Courtney Love's held up best in our test of ..."
I've had my period for 15 years, and I'm just in shock with this article... I hardly ever think about this crap. I grab a box off the shelf and go, and try not to think about the nastiness that ensues. (Nevermind the mess of childbirth... am I right, Eyebrows??)
It made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me... not want to be a woman anymore. Two thumbs up for fun family entertainment.
What Wendy describes is Truth.
My theory about why so many more guys than women faint when they have blood drawn is that they haven't been desensitized from puberty on to the sight of blood in many forms, as we gals are. (GROSS-OUT ALERT:) Wendy - don't forget the big lumpy clots! Think oysters. 8-O
@Eldritch:
Have you been through childbirth labor yet? Makes the worst menstrual cramps feel benign in comparison. Just sayin'.
@HiPwr:
LOL... I'm picturing all the guys who venture into this thread with big EWWWW expressions on their faces.
Oh, this reminds me of a rant about feminine hygiene products I read years ago (and is still on the Internet YEA!): [afterdark.planetfurry.com]
Warnings for language.
I enjoyed the torch as a box opener. That's usually how I approach them too. What's that singed smell you ask? A lady never tells.