Recently, those buzzkills at Time published this mouth-watering article about the massive caloric content of fast food. Apparently, the Senate is considering federal legislation that would require chain restaurants to list calorie counts on menus.
Of course, Time put the usual alarmist spin on it, totally ignoring the incredible time-saving opportunities that these superfoods afford. Instead of lamenting that a Whopper with cheese is over half of a normal 2,000 calorie per day diet, they should have realized that such foods are a godsend to today’s active go-getter. Cramming in 1 and 3/4 of a triple Whopper in your mouth takes care of all your daily calorie needs in one swoop! If you can keep it down long enough to wash down a handful of vitamin pills with a diet soda, you’re done for the day! Free from those restrictive mealtimes to live every day to its fullest, you can play World of Warcraft until you pass out on your keyboard.
So, I’m going to light a candle where they just cursed darkness and give you on-the-go folks some quick combinations to fill your daly caloric needs at one sitting. (Keep in mind, you may want to save room for some Flintstones chewables so you don’t get scurvy or rickets)
- 1 Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries (total: 2,140 calories): This one’s easy! Eat most of it and you’re done for the day! Except for the painful hours on the can.
- 2 McDonald’s Chocolate Triple Thick Shakes (total: 1,160 calories x2= 2,320): Make sure to leave a bit in the second one to keep from going over. This one you can do with one hand and no teeth!
- 1 KFC Chicken Bowl (700 calories) and 1 Starbuck’s Hazelnut Signature Hot Chocolate (600 calories) and 1 Dunkin’ Donuts Sausage Supreme Omelet and Cheese on Bagel (690 calories; total: 1,990 calories): Hey, this one gives you 10 calories to spare, for you dieters out there. Best done if you have a strip mall handy with all three chains, which seems pretty likely.
- Taco Bell Chicken Ranch Fully Loaded Taco Salad (960 calories) and 1 Carl’s Jr. Double Sourdough Bacon Cheeseburger (920 calories) and small fries (290 calories; total: 2,170): The salad comes in one of those crispy bowls-you-can-eat, so you can probably cram everything in there and eat it like an enormous, sloppy, cupcake.
- 2,000 cans of Pepsi One (1 calorie, total: 2,000 calories): Because you don’t need to rush every day.
Carrie McLaren & Jason Torchinsky are coeditors of Ad Nauseam: A Survivor’s Guide to American Consumer Culture. In previous lives, they worked together on the hopelessly obscure and now defunct Stay Free! magazine .