Comfort Wipe: For When You Just Can't Wipe Yourself Anymore

Do you need help wiping your own behind? Do you just not like touching toilet paper, and want a plastic device to do it for you? It’s a good thing that you live in 21st-century America, because the Comfort Wipe is here to help you.

Far be it from us to make fun of this contraption, since there are many perfectly valid medical reasons why a person might need one. It’s the marketing that’s so fascinating. How many shots of the little gripper releasing the paper do we need, really? The infomercial claims that this is the biggest technical innovation in toilet paper since the 1880s. Sure, just try to get this thing to hold on to a corncob or a Sears-Roebuck catalog. If you stuck a tiny piece of ShamWow on the end of that thing—then we’d really have something to write home about. (Speaking of which, nobody let Shamwow pitchman Vince have one.)

Incidentally, you can get what looks like the same thing from a seller on Amazon for half the price.

Sorry, infomercial people. I’m holding out for a Washlet. (Warning: link contains nudity.)

Comfort Wipe [Official Site]
The Comfort Wipe Will Help You Wipe Your Lazy Assh*les! [Best Week Ever]