They Wouldn't Like You When They're Angry — Or Would They?
Maybe the Fonz didn't know what he was doing, because researchers have found that being the coolest cat in the room doesn't always do you favors, while a flash of fury might just help tip the balance in your favor.
A United Press International Story reported that the University of California, Berkeley, conducted experiments that found anger can help you get a better deal, but overdoing it can nullify the positive effects.
In two experiments, subjects negotiated over how a sum of money would be split, with a "giver" one side holding most of the power and making lowball offers to manipulate the emotions of the nonpowerful "receiver."
Half of the receivers were informed that their last anger report would be shown to proposers before proposers made offers.
The results, published in the Journal of Consumer Research, shows that receivers inflate their anger levels when they know that proposers will see their display.
"Receivers do get a better offer from proposers as long as proposers have reason to believe that their partners' feelings are genuine," the researchers say in a statement.
So science says it pays to bottle up your emotions and try to play it cool until you just explode in a rage of righteous virtue.
Consumer anger can pay off, or backfire [UPI]
(Photo:onlymefairmay)
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So they like anger and being... dominated?
It's probably just the Columbine effect. They figure it's not worth risking the fact that might just go into some spazzy, frothing, headbanging fit and kill a bunch of people.
Just don't do it on a customer service rep. Many will just become your enemy after that.
Well obviously if you're angry someone will give you some sort of benefit but like mbgrabbe said, it won't win you many friends.
You might be able to get away with it one day and the next day but it'll come to an end when someone who is more angrier than you, come crash through the window and make you cry like a little girl.
wait. where was I again?
I agree with mbgrabbe. I would rather stay calm and live happier than worry about getting pissed to save a few bucks.
@Woooot!-Offing_GitEmSteveDave: That's your ringtone? You rule! And a heart click, which is long overdue.
My family is the kind that typically complains a lot at reasturants, sending stuff back, etc.
On a recent trip out ot state, at an expensive seafood reasturant, my mom ordered clams that were very chewy. She wasn't all that hungry, and sad because she loved that place last time, so she just mentioned it to the waitress when she inquired on how we were doing. The waitress offered to change it for something else, my mom said it was okay. Now this is VERY out of character, as normally she'd get the 2nd dish and take it home. So to her surprise the waitress took her meal off the check. Now my mom, after all these years, sees that in some cases not creating a big stink ALSO gets you good results.
"Anger" is not the same as "inarticulate rage" or, worse, "cursing and violence." And angry but contained, "I'm sorry, but that's completely unacceptable" is a different beast from, "You get your fucking manager our here right fucking now and I am going to have your goddamned ass on a platter you stupid asshole."
The first has its place and time, though should be rarely and sparingly applied in my opinion. The second should earn you a reserved seat in a special circle of hell.
Most of us in negotiations will have to deal with that person again. "Flash of fury" may get you some benefit in that particular negotiation, but you're going to have to come back and keep dealing with that person. (Or, if dealing with a CSR, it's going on your "permanent record" for all the other CSRs at that company.)
However, I do find that an honest admission of feelings, especially if it's coming through in your voice/manner ("I'm sorry, I'm very frustrated right now. I know the situation isn't your fault and I don't mean to snap at you.") can promote your "opponent" to have sympathy with your emotions and see you as a person, and that can help lead to a good resolution.
@jcostantino: I was in PetsMart the other day when it went off, and everyone was looking at me. My favorite part is about :17 seconds in when he does the "meow talk" part. And thank you for the heart click.
I believe it was Alan Jones, Formula 1 driver and once World Champion, who once said (paraphrasing) that you don't want the other drivers to think you're crazy. You want them to think you're just crazy enough to stay out of your way. If they know you would rather crash than give up a position, they might back off and let you past.
The same applies to doing business. You don't have to rip them a new one, they just have to know that you'd be capable of it if they tried to screw you.
It worked when a motorcycle dealership tried to screw my husband and I over on financing on a motorcycle. We signed a Truth In Lending disclosure on a Saturday for a line of credit through a local credit union for $6000 at 5.6% fixed for 4 years. We got a call on Wednesday from the idiot "finance manager" at the dealership saying that the credit union had yanked its offer (or so she claimed) because we didn't have much credit and that our approval had been based upon credit score and not the overall file and that they could "only" get us a credit card through Suzuki at 13% variable! She wasn't making a lick of sense with the way she was saying it so I drove down there to talk to the manager of the dealership. The only thing I understood was that it was somehow "better" because the monthly payments would be lower due to the ridiculously long term of the loan. She was a first rate moron in my book! My husband is a software engineer with a very good salary, an extra $70 bucks a month isn't going to break us and they should have known that from the loan app. It also irked me that they didn't seem to notice my previous employer and position on the loan app. I was a fraud prevention rep.
I confronted the (recently promoted to) assistant manager in a fit of fury and explained that I had recently been employed in the credit card industry in Delaware and knew full well that because we had signed the TIL doc, they were locked into the original agreement by law. I told him that if the original credit union didn't want to hold up its end of the bargain that he'd better find another lender TODAY or I was going to take it to the Alabama Attorney General and the BBB by the end of the next business day. He then told me that they did have another credit union they worked with (the same one we use personally) but that they're "slow" about getting approvals back so he never put an app through. I then quite angrily told him that if he had any balls he would call the CU and tell them that he needed an answer on this loan ASAP so they'd better make it a priority or he was going to be in deep legal shit. I also warned him that if we returned the bike he was going to have to sell it as used vehicle because my husband had already racked up close to 1000 miles on the thing the past few days (his office took a summer break for a few days) joyriding and we'd already titled it in our names. I even told him that the bike, according to KBB.com was worth about $1000 less than retail value at that point because of said facts.
I left to grab a sandwich and cool off and less than an hour later I got a call from him saying that the second CU had approved us for the same loan amount at 5.5% with a 6 year term; not a big deal because you can always make bigger payments. Our credit scores are in the 720's so that lower interest rate was appropriate in July of 2008. We actually got an FHA/USDA mortgage at a conventional rate 4 months later without any problems so there's nothing wrong with out credit. When we came back to sign the new paperwork, I questioned the manager about the qualifications of the "finance manager" and he confessed to me that she had no experience with money or business whatsoever; she used to work the parts counter. In DE you can't even get a job like that if you haven't paid your dues in a specialized bank call center (regular CS doesn't cut it) or even a branch bank. Apparently, I upset her because she refused to deal with me and actually hid in the break room when we came in.
I'm a small woman so sometimes the only way I can get people to tell the truth is by being intimidating. Long story but it shows what the power of anger can do!
I work with customers in my job. Niceness works with me. Especially over the long haul. It will get you an extended length of time to pay, extra classes, free passes, waiving of certain policies and other friendly perks that come with being nice to the woman who both handles your account and interacts with your kids. A flash of frustation/anger works too -- but only for that situation. I might give in on something at that moment to appease you, but it won't earn you anything in the relationship. Outright anger/abuse will get you shut down cold, and you'll be told you need to speak to the owner. Who will not return your phone calls. Bye bye.
@DistortedViewListener_GitEmSteveDave: Really? I would have pegged you as the type to have this one.
I kid, I kid. ;)
Cool cat. Sharp claws only when when provoked. Then purr contentedly while lapping up the spilt (rhetorical) blood. Their blood.
But only a junkyard kitty attacks everything. And they have the scars (and mange) to show for it.
@Eyebrows McGee (popping ~May 29): Also, when you're in the right, emphasize the fairness of it all. "It doesn't seem fair..." then letting it linger until they are forced to reply works well. People intuitively seek fairness and being shown to be on the wrong end of that equation makes them uncomfortable.
@Eyebrows McGee (popping ~May 29): Out of curiosity, did you take any negotiation classes in school? I took two as a grad student, and they were awesome. I learned a lot from them (the core things being that you really need to chart out the value of the alternatives on paper, and that the more things you bring in to negotiate, the more likely you are to find common ground, since something that's an easy "give" for you might be valuable to them, and vice-versa).
I think the idea is to go with a bit of non-directedl anger. You are irritated at the SITUATION, but are still being polite to those you are talking to. Ive done that myself, raise voice a little and say "Im sure you can understand that this is really irritating for me considering that bla bla bla. Is there any way you can help me out by bla bla bla?"
@P_Smith: When I was a substitute school teacher I acquired a reputation for sending kids to the Principal at the drop of a hat. Thing is, I never sent a single kid, not even once. But they believed I would, and that's all that mattered.
That's the Bully Effect. People who react with displays of anger are usually totally insecure to begin with and take it out on people they know won't fight back.
@Trai_Dep: I did do negotiation and mediation in law school, it was fantastic. In fact, I'm brushing up and re-reading all my texts in preparation for starting my term on the local school board.
But I actually learned the most from my dad (also a lawyer) who's a natural negotiator. He's one of those guys who goes into a negotiation where everyone wants to kill each other, and comes out with everyone doing what he wants and thanking him for the privilege!
When negotiating for myself, the biggest thing for me, I think, is knowing my non-negotiable bottom line, best-case scenario, and reasonable goal. It helps me stay more emotionally detached and not get overly upset during the negotiation. It also lets me know when to STOP ... one of the most interesting things to me in negotiation class was how many people are happy with their outcome, and then feel cheated *afterwards* if they learn the other side had more give and they didn't get every last thing. I try to stick with what *I* want and need and focus on my happiness, not getting the most I can from the other guy.
@pepelicious: Anger over an obvious scam is inappropriate? If you saw my above post about what I went through, being mean was the only way I could get the situation resolved the same day. I'm not insecure and knew that the dealership would fight back so I had to play dirty.
@chargernj: When I was growing up as the oldest and smallest of four siblings, I maintained my reign of terror because they all believed I was crazy. It didn't even OCCUR to them to try to wrestle with me until I was about to go to college even though they're all 8+ inches taller than I am.
You only have to bite someone ONCE when you're over the age of six and nobody will EVER MESS WITH YOU AGAIN.
@Eyebrows McGee (popping ~May 29):
Yeah, I've done the damage control thing a lot. It seems to help to get the person to realize that you're not really angry with them, you're frustrated with the situation. I had to do that yesterday when I asked a question to a lady and she got incredibly rude on me. I said "Listen, I'm not trying to be rude so if my question came off that way I assure you that was not my intention. I'm simply frustrated and trying to get this taken care of." She lightened up immediately and helped me (well, attempted to) take care of the problem. I think she felt pretty bad about it actually.
@P_Smith: Some people think that was Dick Cheney's role in the Bush Administration's foreign policy. The guy that let them hint that, you know, we don't plan to do anything rash, but...that Cheney, we just never know what he might do if you keep pushing...
@pepelicious: One of the things I've always hated is the way loud, mean people always get their way just because they're loud and mean. Our culture basically rewards people for being bullies.
I made an angry phone call to Verizon yesterday to complain about my unsatisfactory internet service. I didn't yell, curse, or otherwise act ugly, but I was firm and aggressive. I ended up getting $120 credit on my account, my regular rate cut in half, and a call transfer to "Advanced Customer Service" who actually helped solve my problems where the regular technical support folks couldn't.
@mbgrabbe: In social situations yes...in financial negotiations....anger or aggressiveness will be much more rewarding (financially).
@mbgrabbe: You have to know when to use anger and how to use it. It is appropriate to use small bursts, but only when appropriate. A good mediator or negotiator will know when that burst is appropriate to tweak it in their favor. However, it is a skill learned with patience and mistakes, not with cold, dry lessons. And, unfortunately, even when you know how to use it, sometimes you will misjudge and it will backfire. Tricky to use, but a valuable tool when used well.
@OMG!StopItWithNASA!_GitEmSteveDave: You should resize your avatar so that the thumbnail scales proportionally. Whenever I look at your tumbnail, I see E. Honda from Street Fighter 2. Or, maybe it's just my video-game-addled head.
Anger may earn you an advantage in some situations, but it won't win you many friends, and it'll just make you miserable. I prefer being the cool cat.