A reader sent in this scan of a comment card found with a pair of Diesel shoes. “I wonder what the purpose of this is?” the reader mused. I wonder, too. Unrestrained whimsy? Prank? Rogue employee who is now either confined to a psychiatric facility or has a book contract?
All questions on the card are to be answered on a scale of:
- Actively Agree
- Passively Agree
- Falsification of the truth
- Can you repeat the question?
It gets weirder from there.
I’ve read these questions each a dozen times in the process of transcribing them and putting this entry together, and they make even less sense.
The front thanks and praises you for your purchase of the shoes. Normal enough. On the question side, the left-hand column asks questions about you, the purchaser, and the other asks about your concerns about the product.
The questions about you, the purchaser:
1. I would never travel to a foreign country who don’t have indoor plumbing
2. When faced with the slightest of problems I can sometimes appear apathetic to the point of unconsciousness.
3. Thankfully I am self-assured on topics far beyond the confines of my own competence.
4. I frequently and readily express my feelings, emotions and urges.
5. I am rigorously exercising at the public swimming baths. I am very imposing towards a novice. We make love in a locker and I fall heavily pregnant, I indulge in a sex change to avoid aborting the baby but still there she grows, how do I rid myself without losing my natural breasts.
6. I am imprisoned, serving 5 life sentences, my inmates are angry and upset about the flippant lack of soap in the shower rooms. I invent and energetically take to market a brand new top of the range shower gel with the great satisfaction of making the world that little bit better than I found it.
7. I’ve just been hospitalized for mental illness.
8. I’m a market leader in developing marketing campaigns with 100% no relevance to anyone. You want to throw some money at me?
9. I am lavishly entertaining guests, a friend falls face down the lavatory breaking their neck in five places in the process.
10. I have no comprehension of even the most basic English.
The suggested concerns you might have about the product:
11. It’s the big day. I am hurriedly deciding what to wear, I reach for the shoes but there is only one there. Which one do I pick?
12. I am entertaining guests, a friend notices that my feet fail to fit inside the shoes and instead are stitched by the skin to the soles of what was once a shoe. Why?
13. I have developed chronical congestionitus, acid indigestion, and trapped wind since purchasing these shoes. Is correct?
14. I was out on the town this weekend getting sectioned when my shoes left a dirty scuff mark on my boy/girlfriend’s face which will not reprieve. I have tried all both forms of bleach but to no avail. Could I possibly change the shoes?
15. Whilst paddling on holiday, the shoes were not waterproof to 50 metres as I imagined them to be. Please advise.
16. I arrive home early hours from an evening of light entertainment with friends and family members. My shoes smell unsanitary and pnent but my feet remain airtight in plastic bags. How so?
17. I am in a popular traveling circus gaily entertaining the masses with poorly conceived and potentially fatal ‘crowd pleasers.’ I was absent-mindedly show-boating in a transparent tank when a piranha sliced a gash into my shoe. Is there a doctor in the house?
18. In a fit of joyous panic I accidentally shred the shoes through a woodchip cutter which was left on over night by my bedside. I am still however, in possession of a valid receipt.
19. I placed the shoes in the incinerator it was an accident. Please could I have my money back?
20. I am recuperating from serious animal trap accident (which was successful!) however I have no further use for the shoes. I am still within my 1 month warranty period, but I HAVE MISPLACED the receipt of purchase. What do?
“Such happy assurance as you’ve never known,” the questionnaire concludes. Yeah. Exactly.