The ease of opening the package, starting a roll, and tearing a sheet cleanly really don't make any difference to me. Strength and softness are good though. Kleenex Cottonelle > *

We use rags

If you're looking for the results of these tests, they'll be published in the May 2009 issue of Consumer Reports available April 8.

when you wipe your butt in public toilets, you get weak and cheap toilet paper and everybody manages to not get his hands dirty and is pretty much doing a good job

looking for "the absolute best" toilet paper is just an other artificial need

So who won?

charmin ultra....nice and soft, and they are correct when they say less is more

It's my butthole, I'm not looking for luxury. I'm currently using the kind made from recycled paper and it's even one step up from the generic gas station bathroom kind.

Somewhere in America is a toilet paper brand manager who is proud to know the effectiveness of butt-wiping offered by his product. And for this, he went to one of the best business schools in the world.

OK, that was interesting until they didn't bother to tell us any results.

But she had a Costco brand in front of her (Kirkland) and we swear by them for all paper good at our house - paper towels, napkins, etc. Also baby wipes, diapers, and formula...

When I opened this thread, the first thing I saw was "wet, Dribble .. pellets". Suffice to say I will be spending the remainder of my day trying to take that picture out of my head.

I use Scott, and if need-be, the generic Scott. It does the job, my butt doesn't hurt, and it lasts 4x longer than a regular roll of toilet paper, making it the least expensive.

Btw, what is the point of strength tests of toilet paper? Are you really applying THAT much pressure to your bum? Does it really need to hold 2 lbs?

@Saboth: Scott hurts my butt :( lol Which sucks because it lasts forever.

So I found a generic type that's a little softer and doesn't quite last as long, but is a little more gentle and not too expensive.

That's a weird way to test it.

I am not interested in the tensile strength of my toilet paper so much. Which would be what this is testing. What I'm interested in is its resistance to shredding when exposed to friction...

Also... why do I care about its wet strength? I mean... my wife would I guess... but most important to me is how well it can resist shredding and exposing part of my hand...

God... this is weird. I can't believe I'm talking about this on the internet.

@nakedscience:

I found the Kroger brand is much softer, but it is way thinner. Like almost see-through thin, so you have to use much more it...but it was cheaper, softer than Scott, and lasted almost a month for a 4 pack (which is like a miracle in my household).

You should see the tests they do to test toilets for flushing power... Can you say Soy-Based Simulated Fecal Matter?

Thank you for credibly using Butt-Wipe in a headline.

@waza0:
I can also watch a hockey game on a 19" TV mounted near the ceiling in a sports bar (hockey gets no respect :( ), but I'd rather watch it at home on my big HDTV.

I'll use public restroom toilet paper if I have to, but when I'm at home I wipe my ass with only the finest toilet paper.

You're all crazy for not using the three seashells. Once you get the hang of it it's not bad

Somewhere earlier this week I read a tip on here to smoosh your toilet paper rolls to get the most out of them by keeping them from rolling freely - I have to say that suggestion really works!

I mostly buy Charmin - its cheap, I have coupons often, and it gets the job done.

@mdoublej: Results will be in the May issue, on stands in early April, according to the report.

Kirkland is my choice!

@I_am_Awesome: Clearly you've never been in a photo-finish situation.

isnt toilet paper kinda barbaric? isnt the u.s. one of the last big countries that still use it?

@mdmadph: Demolition Man reference FTW!!!

@JohnDeere:

What's everyone else use? Bidet? I know they use their hands in India.

@adamczar: That's my argument too, except in reverse. It's my butt and I want it reated well. We buy Charmin Ultra and shudder every time we have to use the bathroom at our parents, who refuse to splurge on toilet paper. Though they are up to the two ply stuff

@edwardso: treated

@I_am_Awesome: with Aloe! Man that was spicy last night.

Huh. I did almost an identical test with paper towels for my freshman science fair project, although I used BBs instead of lead pellets. Bounty won by a landslide.

@Saboth:
My #1 criteria for TP is how long it lasts between roll changes. It's true that Scott isn't as soft, but it's not so rough that it's going to cause injury unless you've got some problems going on down there. However, I've also tried "generic Scott" (i.e., store brand single-ply), and I'll avoid that in the future, even if it is a couple bucks cheaper for a 12-pack--it was much rougher.

@Saboth: You "know"? Or you heard from a friend of a friend of a friend?

@WiglyWorm: Exactly right. I can't imagine their pellet test translating to meaningful performance differences. I mean, who holds out a sheet of stretched out paper and drops poops on it from a height? Resistance to shearing and rub resistance while wet are the key metrics I think. I suppose the test engineers really didn't think this one out else they'd have come up with a simulated dirty bungpiece and give us testing results that are intelligible (i.e., dirty wet wipe strength).

@Radi0logy:

Well a friend of mine had to go to India for a month to help train their call center workers. Of course she was put up in the best "americanized" places at the time, and those had TP, but if you strayed off the path to local places, you had a hole, a pitcher of water, and your hand in the bathhouse lol.

Personally I would buy the cheapest toilet paper, then i started living with my now wife, she has to have that super pillow soft shit which costs double.

I told her that real men would use pine cones and tree bark if necessary. :P

@edwardso: Personally I can't stand all the thick perfumy stuff. It's like I need to clean off all the lotion and residue left by the paper itself, afterward. Not a pretty picture. :-/

To each his own, I suppose.

@adamczar: Oh no, lotion, perfumes and colors on my TP would never fly, just a little cushion

@Oranges w/ Cheese: ...but you're not supposed to squeeze the Charmin...

I don't see what wet TP and dumping pellets onto it has to do with whipping my ass.

@AbaErato: Thank you, that's exactly what I was looking for.

@waza0: They use John Wayne toilet paper, because it doesn't take crap from anyone.

When we went camping as children we used leaves in the forest!

I hope they test Consumer Reports print edition, bout all it's good for.

I go for what leaves the least dingleberries. Cottonelle has my vote.

@adamczar:

Only the finest baby wipes for me and mine. I loathe having to use toilet paper after having used baby wipes for years. I think this is the feeling the Japanese must get when they have to use the can somewhere that doesn't have a bidet.

@krispykrink:

Hey, this is a family blog, save your kinky perversions and ass whipping for Fleshbot or something.

@WiglyWorm: Precisely. This isn't a study area that lends itself to simulation, and any attempt to simulate the ass-wiping system needs to take more than wetness into account.

Baby wipes are the way to go, anyway. A little more expensive per session, but well worth it for comfort and cleanliness.

@adamczar: I'm with you - I use corn cobs, old issues of Vanity Fair magazine, and worn out T-shirts.

Nothing out there compares to Cottonelle, either in the green package (Aloe) or in the purple package (ultra soft and strong). Since I switched to it, my butt-hole loves me as much as I love it. ;]

@Oranges w/ Cheese: Yes but only the blue package. The Charmin in the red package has anal ripping diamonds imprinted on it.