The 4489 Calorie, 1.66 lb Burger

The West Michigan Whitecaps recently unveiled their new stadium menu and gloating at the top of it is the 4489 Calorie “Fifth Third Burger.” This 1.66 pound piece of gastrointestinal wunder, named after team sponsor 5/3 Bank, costs $20 and feeds 1-4 people. If you eat it by yourself and finish it in one sitting, you get a free 5/3 tshirt. Said the team’s marketing director, “It’s something fun that people can understand.”

1.66666667 Pounds [BensBizBlog via Sports Biz]

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  1. madanthony says:

    I hope the free t-shirt comes in XXXL!

  2. m4ximusprim3 says:

    “and by ‘understand’, we mean ‘rupture their lower GI tract with'”

  3. Plates says:

    Makes me glad I am a vegetarian!

  4. tc4b says:

    Looks like a garbage plate on a bun. Anyone else here ever been to Tahou’s?

  5. Pink Puppet says:

    I… I’m frightened.

  6. rpm773 says:

    When is 5/3 Bank going to break down that goddamned fraction?!

    • mgy says:

      @rpm773: 1.66 repeating bank?

      • rpm773 says:

        @mgy: That, or at the very least “1 2/3 Bank”. It’s just wrong!

        • floraposte says:

          @rpm773: I always wonder if they’re just avoiding admitting they’re actually Fifteenth Bank.

          • YouDidWhatNow? says:

            @floraposte:

            …i alwasy wonder about people who put their money in a bank that appears to lack a basic grasp of arithmetic…

            • Eyebrows McGee (now with double the baby!) says:

              @YouDidWhatNow?: I think they were founded on the corner of 5th and 3rd Streets/Avenues/Whatever.

              • drjayphd says:

                @Eyebrows McGee (on Twitter: LPetelle): I think I like that idea better than the real(ish) one:

                Fifth Third’s unusual name is the result of the June 1, 1908 merger of two banks, The Fifth National Bank and The Third National Bank, to become The Fifth Third National Bank of Cincinnati. Because the merger took place during a period when prohibitionist ideas were gaining popularity, it was believed that “Fifth Third” was better than “Third Fifth,” which could be construed as a reference to three “fifths” of alcohol. The name went through several changes over the years, until on March 24, 1969, the name was changed to Fifth Third Bank.

                • Eyebrows McGee (now with double the baby!) says:

                  @drjayphd: Man, the real story IS lame!

                  I swear my mother told me about the 5th and 3rd streets thing … which means it’s like the time she told me the cat “ran away” to a “better home.”

  7. edwardso says:

    I would like to eat this burger, it must be lunch time

  8. BustedFlush says:

    Is that supposed to be chili on the bottom layer? Looks more like refried beans.

  9. ceilingFANBOY says:

    Considering most venues charge $4.50 for a hot dog, $20 for this thing seems like quite a steal.

    • corkdork says:

      @ceilingFANBOY: That was my thought; the last time I bought stadium food (at a minor-league hockey game!) it was $11 for a hot dog and a beer. $20 for a burger that can feed 3-4 people is a steal.

  10. milaround says:

    When are we as Americans going to realize that we need to stop incentivizing our own obesity. We put stupid, health detrimental accomplishments on pedestals and garnish the “heros” with awards. As the leading and preventable cause of death in the country, these things are not simply “fun.”

    The marketing people pushing products that are obvious contributers to the problem need to take a step back and consider their effect.

    But oh wait, they wouldn’t care: they’re capitalists in a capitalist society.
    $ > Human well-being.
    Hard to break away from those fundamentals, huh.

    • TechnoDestructo says:

      @milaround:

      I’m pretty sure this is not a significant contributor to the weight problems or potential weight problems of those who eat it, because they probably are not eating one every day, or even every week.

  11. superberg says:

    Ugh. I like burgers, and I find this thing disgusting.

    • dragonfire81 says:

      @superberg: Agreed. That thing just looks nasty. Who the hell would want to eat all of that just for a free shirt.

      This is a major problem in our society: There’s this competition amongst restaurants/food providers to produce the biggest, most fat filled, greasiest crap imaginable.

      Why??? I don’t get it.

  12. Fuzz says:

    “It’s something fun that people can understand.”

    What, a heart attack? real fun.

  13. Single-n-Bitter_GitEmSteveDave says:

    If these people weren’t insistent that you HAVE to eat the tomatoes, I would have a closet full of t-shirts.

  14. pb5000 says:

    Looks good to me

  15. Canino says:

    Restaurants seemed to have figured out that to get free advertising via the “news” all they have to do is either stack a bunch of food into a big pile or include an expensive gemstone to make the price outrageous.

    The Big Texan Steak Ranch is not amused.

  16. eightfifteen says:

    Does your heart get a bailout?

  17. NotAppealing inhaled. Frequently. That was the point. says:

    This is why all of my neighbors are fat, huh?

  18. Rectilinear Propagation says:

    “It’s something fun that people can understand.”

    What, did they have previous contests that confused people? What’s with that “people can understand” bit?

    Also, is that a fried chicken patty below the burger? And why is all that white stuff on the outside of the burger? And who’s supposed to want to try to split a burger four ways?

  19. snazz says:

    ooh, i think i just threw up… and then put it on a bun, called it a burger, and sold it at Whitecaps

  20. zarex42 says:

    Yes, yes, plenty of fat jokes, this burger gives you a heart attack, etc. Enough already.

    None of it’s true. Eating one of these (even by yourself) on rare occasion will have zero impact on your health. It’s the crap people eat every day that does the damage.

    So go ahead and enjoy it if you want to.

    • Single-n-Bitter_GitEmSteveDave says:

      @zarex42: +1.

      If you honestly think your body holds onto to each and every one of those calories, and turns this into 1.4lbs of fat instantly, then yes, eating this makes you fat. But, uh, it doesn’t happen like that.

      • TouchMyMonkey says:

        @Single-n-Bitter_GitEmSteveDave: You need about 1200-1500 calories a day, depending on your weight, to support your average American sedentary lifestyle. The rest will most assuredly go to fat as soon as your G-I system gets around to processing it. That is, assuming you can hork the whole thing down in the first place.

        • Single-n-Bitter_GitEmSteveDave says:

          @HurtsSoGood: I believe it’s called the “Basal” rate or something that says how much you burn in an average day to just “exist”. Last I checked, for my size and activity range, it’s like 2400 calories daily.

        • Applekid ┬──┬ ノ( ã‚œ-゜ノ) says:

          @HurtsSoGood: I snoozed during biology… isn’t there a maximum limit to the amount of time a mass of food can, uh… “be processed”, in the G-I tract?

          Coming from a math-science background, I’m assuming there’s a limit to how many calories/nutrients you can absorb per hour… multiply that by the maximum time food can spend in the tract and you get the “upper-limit” of calorie intake and anything left after would happily, um, “passed.”

          • Eyebrows McGee (now with double the baby!) says:

            @Applekid: One of my brothers bases his Thanksgiving intake on this theory. I think he claims the upper limit is like 800 calories in one sitting that can be absorbed.

          • TouchMyMonkey says:

            @Applekid: Well, the G-I tract expands and reduces capacity as needed. Take, for example, the 800 pound wonders you see now and then on the Discovery Channel. They require a truly astounding number of calories to keep from starving to death. They have an amazing capacity for eating – you’d throw up before finishing the first course of what some of them eat. The truly insidious part is that you can’t just put a person like that on a 1200 calorie diet like you could an ordinary garden-variety fatass – like me. You’d kill him. Seriously.

            Yeah, I suspect you’d probably crap a good portion of that monster burger undigested. I wouldn’t want to be the guy in the next stall while you did that, though. HOWEVER, if you are capable of putting away that volume of groceries at a sitting, it’s a good bet that you do it fairly often, and are quite capable of digesting whatever you put down there, skinny Japanese hot dog eating champion notwithstanding.

    • projectjulio says:

      @zarex42: If you ate this burger over the course of, say, a week, it would not have the same impact as eating it at once. Your body stores energy based on the amount given to it at the time of consumption, therefore eating it in one sitting will cause huge amounts of fat-storage. Concentration IS important. For example, there are certain levels of lead, arsenic and other dangerous poisons allows in the water supply because at certain levels they are not harmful. If in high enough concentrations, however, they will cause cancer, death, etc. The same goes for saturated fats. The cholesterol spike caused by this will cause permanent damage to your arteries if you live and maintain a sedentary lifestyle. Basically, if you eat this burger in one sitting, be prepared to workout 2 hrs a day for the next week or face the long-term consequences.

  21. dreamsneverend says:

    Looks awesome to me.. all the haters here need to go eat some soy.

  22. HawkWolf says:

    I just can’t help myself: the restrooms are going to need ‘bailouts’ after people eat these!

    har har har.

    You know, when I was in college, people would eat that much food at the all-you-can-eat cafeteria buffet quite often. Some kids would rim their trays in mountain dew and then take one of everything.

    A ‘normal’ sized version of that seems like it might be tasty, though. Chili burger!

  23. IR1 says:

    Why the hell does it have tortilla chips on it… wtf is thiS?! Also it looks like it has several small burger patties, not just 1 big one. Still wtf with the chips!?

    • jackbishop says:

      @IR1: Yeah, I concur. I could get on board with most of the stuff on that thing as being interesting if not wholly excellent accents to a burger. But tortilla chips are all wrong, texturally and flavor-wise.

  24. Charlotte Rae's Web says:

    TACO TOWN

    • djmichaelangelo says:

      @Charlotte Rae’s Web:

      *lol* I know, right? All this monstrosity needs is to be wrapped in a pancake then deep-fried, and it could be featured in another SNL sketch :) I live in West Michigan and am PROUD that my home-state came up with this tongue-in-cheek indulgence in excess and gluttony. (No really!)

  25. Terry Sparks says:

    “Something fun that people can understand”. Do they really think we are all Homer? And THEY are calling US stupid.

  26. Kaellorian says:

    That’s pretty revolting, but I’d still take it over a patty of congealed soy juice.

    Sorry, folks, it’s not soy milk – soy doesn’t have boobs. I checked.

  27. Danj3ris says:

    MMMmmmmm. Breakfast. Followed by a nice three hour workout.

  28. HogwartsAlum says:

    That is not a burger. That is a travesty. :P

  29. MitchEvious says:

    Time to send an email to http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com

  30. StanislausBabalistic says:

    I could totally down one of those in no time at all. I must be hungry.

    And Kaellorian, AMEN to that. The most infuriating thing is at my college’s dining hall, they have soy “milk,” gluten-free “milk,” and one other fake milk right next to the coffee, but NO FRIGGIN’ HALF-AND-HALF!

    Is anyone else bothered by places like Flatbread Pizza where half of the menu is devoted to what the ingredients are “free” of?

  31. Barney_The Plug_ Frank says:

    Wow! Now that’s a serious burger! Lets hope some liberals don’t decide to some tofu on it.

  32. LastVigilante says:

    Should we be expecting to see this on an upcoming episode of Man VS Food?

  33. Rebecca Brown says:

    oh god I want it.

    I need healthier eating habits, man. I see a burger and my salivary glands go into overdrive.

  34. savdavid says:

    It is simpler to serve up gimmicks like this than to think of something original and good for people.

  35. OneTrickPony says:

    It seems that banks haven’t learned their lesson about encouraging people to consume in excess, regardless of the long-term consequences.

    “Here’s your redonkulous jumbo burger. Would you like a jumbo mortgage to go with that? And our dessert special today is this irresistible pineapple upside-down HELOCAKE.”

  36. merekat says:

    Wow, just wow. The bank that lost like $2.2 billion in value last year and being dicks to sensible people who want to refinance is promoting a disgusting, bad-eating-habit reinforcing burger. And if you finish it, they will give you a t-shirt. This makes me even more motivated to get my mortgage re-financed with another company.

  37. lonestarbl says:

    mmm looks delicious… can I get a Diet Coke with that?

  38. Coles_Law says:

    @tc4b Garbage plates and Kodak film…ahh, Rochester.

  39. jp7570 says:

    Just another reason the rest of the world hates us!

  40. CaptainConsumer says:

    I just got off the phone with the Whitecaps (really). I told them they should get this thing its own Facebook page so you can become friends with this abomination.

    Needs bacon

  41. Urgleglurk says:

    It’s a gastronomical Weapon of Mass Destruction!

  42. oneliketadow says:

    Why would anyone bank at a company named for an irrational number?

    • TouchMyMonkey says:

      @oneliketadow: 5/3 is rational by definition because it is a fraction, or as my discrete math professor said, “the ratio of two integers.” Pi is irrational, as is the square root of 2, but repeating fractions are perfectly rational.

  43. bonzombiekitty says:

    “It’s something fun that people can understand.”

    Why do I feel insulted by that statement?

  44. pepelicious says:

    Gury Fieri is the last person you want to see coming out of the stall when you’re waiting to go….

  45. Blinky987 says:

    I guess the person who eats this will be the ultimate consumer-ist.

  46. JuneCarter says:

    When I first glimpsed the headline, I thought it said FOOL in parentheses, not FOOD. I wouldn’t have been terribly wrong.

  47. merekat says:

    OK, here is why 5/3 Bank has the name it does:
    [en.wikipedia.org]

  48. Barney_The Plug_ Frank says:

    jp7570 SAYS:
    Just another reason the rest of the world hates us
    ===================================
    Why, because we don’t live like a bunch of North Koreans and have the this unnatural need for the U.S. to win some sort of world popularity contest or love fest. If you want to be loved by the rest of the world, move to China, N. Korea, or Iran for that matter, or any one those communal countries. I bet you don’t. Meanwhile, we’ll remain behind and enjoy our decedent burgers!

    • TouchMyMonkey says:

      @Barney_The Plug_ Frank: People who think the only alternative to their own disgusting decadence is absolute poverty really piss me off.

    • Anonymous says:

      @Barney_The Plug_ Frank:
      No, because it’s kinda decadent to have contests on consuming as many ressources as possible, especially when you’re already doing quite well in that regard. ;)

      In general, eating contests kinda sicken me as they are a collossal waste of effort and no practical application except sending a message of disregard for ressource consumption.
      Obviously all the food consumed at eating contests in the entire US would hardly feed the hungry, but the message sent is kinda “We have so much food we have to have competitions to get rid of it.”

  49. redskull says:

    Regardless of whether your body absorbs it all or passes it, this thing still looks gross.

    Things like this are the reason the rest of the world hates America.

    • Applekid ┬──┬ ノ( ã‚œ-゜ノ) says:

      @redskull: To be fair, probably not as gross as it’d look passed.

      The world doesn’t hate America because we’re fat. They hate America because we insist on wearing tight sweatpants over our fat asses with the word “JUICY” written on them.

  50. MissPeacock says:

    That’s no burger. It’s a space station.

  51. GuidedByLemons says:

    @undefined: @Eyebrows McGee (on Twitter: LPetelle): You can absorb a whole hell of a lot more than 800 calories at a sitting.

  52. It's not my baby, baby! says:

    Go ahead and be a giant fat-filled fatty! In America we all get to make stupid self-destructive decisions.

    U-S-A! U-S-A!

  53. tc4b says:

    Oh please. This is not why the world hates us. This is not even indicative of America. Or, are you implying that most Americans eat like this? It’s a promotion, something which restaurants (or sports venues) around the world do in one way or another. It might not be a 2# burger, it might be “buy one entree get one half off,” but you get the point. Are YOU a lardass who eats like this regularly? Then why are you accusing the rest of America of it?

    • TouchMyMonkey says:

      @tc4b: Please. Nathan’s of Coney Island holds a contest to see who can eat the most of their goddam hot dogs every Fourth of July. There is (or was) a cable TV show devoted to competitive eating. The mere existence of such a “sport” as competitive eating would piss me off if I lived in the Third World.

  54. drjayphd says:

    West Michigan Whitecaps, you can’t serve this kinda food to people. It’ll cause… death!

  55. Cupajo says:

    Anyone who eats this thing deserves all that heart disease.

  56. redskull says:

    @undefined: Some, like you, may see it as a harmless promotional stunt, but I’m sure there are those out there who would see it as yet another example of American excess. “Why eat a plain burger when you can have a 1.66 POUND mega-burger and smear it all over your body!”

    Food like this is why hospitals are having to start making wider beds, and undertakers are making bigger coffins. And why when I went to the grocery store last weekend I could barely navigate the aisles because of all the morbidly obese people on scooters. I must have been the only person in there walking on 2 feet.

    And no, for the record I am not a lardass who eats like this regularly. Make that at all. I wouldn’t touch that burger on a bet.

  57. Cupajo says:

    I mean, come on. It looks like it has a layer of sloppy-joe and a layer of nachos.

    What the fuck?

  58. kwsventures says:

    Check out the Heart Attack Grill in Chandler, AZ, for a heart stopping menu.

  59. Corncob says:

    the Bank sponsored burger is all about glutony and biting off more than you can chew

  60. xoforoct wishes he lived in chasm city says:

    Having been to about ten whitecaps games (it’s about twenty minutes away from me) I can honestly say this is a welcome addition to their crappy food.

    Seriously, really crappy food.

  61. AD8BC says:

    OK.

    Most of you know that I am a conservative nutjob that thinks that places should be able to sell whatever they want as long as someone is willing to buy it, without regulation. That’s the free market. Well, sometime, something comes along that makes you want to draw the line and actually want the government to restrict the sale of something.

    This may actually be that item.

  62. Matthew Andrews says:

    Lets not forget that back in 2006 the Whitecaps had a promotion in which a helicopter dropped $1000 worth of cash onto the field with hundreds of people underneath…

    It ended really well.

  63. Yoko Broke Up The Beatles says:

    West Michigan Whitecaps – the former Madison Muskies.

  64. ohnoes says:

    Change the chili to chicken fillets and I’ll be flying to Michigan to get one of these things.

  65. trujunglist says:

    That is, quite simply, an amazing deal. The last time I went to a baseball game was Petco Park to see the Padres get destroyed by some other team (I don’t like baseball so I just scope for chicks mostly). I went to buy some food and it was like $8 for a tiny beer and something equally insane like $5 for a crappy hot dog. This burger is quite gigantic and could easily fill up 3 or so people, depending on how much they normally eat.
    Yeah, it looks gross, but so does most of the crap at baseball stadiums (except at Wrigley).

  66. Kaellorian says:

    Eww! Tomatoes and Lettuce!

  67. Russ Savage says:

    disgusting.. try eating normally fat american wastes

  68. Jessica Marie Cooper says:

    Ewwww….gross…

  69. Will Boncher says:

    Am I the only one here who really wants to eat one of these?

  70. kbrook says:

    Yech. I live in West Michigan (about an hour west of where the Whitecaps play), and that’s just about the nastiest thing I’ve seen.

  71. Consumerist-Moderator-Roz says:

    Just a reminder, folks; keep comments on topic. Let’s not make this political. Thanks.

  72. supercereal says:

    @tc4b: Having lived here for, well, all my life, I can safely say that, yes, a huge number of Americans are the “lardass” type that constantly eat this kind of crap with no regard for their health.

  73. senor_tron says:

    ha! a consumerist thread focused on my neck of the woods! I think I’ll go eat one and then run the 30.5 miles necessary for someone my size to burn off the 4,489 calories.

    Actually I could get a free t-shirt and not have to run as far if I enter a marathon. That’s something fun that people can understand!

    No wonder Michigan ranks high in the country for both obesity and depression.

    Actually I saw a story recently featuring a bad one at another ballpark. It was a greasy cheeseburger served on a crispy creme doughnut sliced in two.

    Either culinary wonder would mean some serious toilet time as far as i’m concerned.

  74. Grrrrrrr, now with two buns made of bacon. says:

    What? No bacon?????

  75. Audiyoda says:

    Great – leave it to the lame arse single-A ballclub in my home town to come up with this. People in West Michigan and the greater Grand Rapids area are over weight enough – they don’t need that monster to think about. And where the hell are they suppose to sit down and eat that thing? As I recall there aren’t many family seating areas at Old Kent Park (I still refuse to call it Fifth Third Park if I can at all help it). So what – you bring that thing to your seat in the bleachers or in the reserved seats and you’re going to eat it while it’s sitting on your lap?

  76. FuryOfFirestorm says:

    It’s the “Bukkake Burger”! This is why sour cream DOES NOT BELONG on burgers!

  77. ShariC says:

    In Japan, shops do this sort of thing all the time. They create some quantity of food that would be too much for 3 people to eat and then you get it free if you can eat it all. Usually, they put the picture of those who accomplish this feat on the wall of the shop. The winners are always tiny little Japanese girls.

    And the people who believe Americans eat like this are wrong (even if they are Americans). These are extreme examples and most people would not eat this sort of thing. This is designed for publicity, and you can see it’s working.

  78. zandar says:

    milaround, just what I wanted to say. I am SO sick of this reward for eating a ton of unhealthy garbage bullcrap.

    Although it does have one upside: it’s the perfect metaphor for what is wrong with America!

  79. Michael P. Haynes says:

    Does it come with Fries? …. This has gotten more nation wide attention than when the Whitecaps won the league championship.

  80. projectjulio says:

    If you ate this burger over the course of, say, a week, it would not have the same impact as eating it at once. Your body stores energy based on the amount given to it at the time of consumption, therefore eating it in one sitting will cause huge amounts of fat-storage. Concentration IS important. For example, there are certain levels of lead, arsenic and other dangerous poisons allows in the water supply because at certain levels they are not harmful. If in high enough concentrations, however, they will cause cancer, death, etc. The same goes for saturated fats. The cholesterol spike caused by this will cause permanent damage to your arteries if you live and maintain a sedentary lifestyle. Basically, if you eat this burger in one sitting, be prepared to workout 2 hrs a day for the next week or face the long-term consequences.