With a keyboard?
With pen and paper?
With righteous indignation?

Did I win?

I tend to make the letter as difficult to read as possible. This typically includes the following strategies:

- Excessive use of profanity (don't try to determine what excessive is...if you are, you aren't using enough)

- Intentional and obvious misspellings, grammatical mistakes, and random use of symbols on the computer keyboard that I don't understand (make the letter as hard to read as possible)

- Fade out of coherence towards the end (i.e. random, unrelated nonsense)

Actually, that was what a typical IM conversation with me is like.

Well, make it actionable in that they'll act on it. Don't make it actionable in that they'll sue you.

You sure it's Bruce "The Chin" Campbell?

"... in closing, Shop Smart, Shop S-Mart!"

Hail The The King,
[customer]

Get a friend to proofread it for you before you send it. Spellcheck doesn't catch everything!

A picture is worth a thousand words. Photocopy your bare butt and mail it to everyone in the company.

Tell em the following:

What happened, How it affected you, and what would make it right.

Don't drone on for pages and pages or act like you can run the place better than the people there.

Nissan? Really? Are you sure? I thought all foreign car dealerships were superior to American dealers? You must be confused. Customers could never be upset at a Japanese dealership.

I need this today. Didja know that WaMu has started charging non-customers a $5 check cashing fee? Now when my elderly parents --who don't trust ATMs or debit cards-- write me a check to get cash for them, they lose 5 bucks! Win!

@YourTechSupport: You beat me to it!

Bruce SILVERMAN, LOL...

My two cents...

Humor and creative writing are great for Consumerist posts, but not so great for complaint letters.

1) State your problem clearly

2) State the steps you have taken already to try and resolve the problem (with names and dates if you have them...and you should).

3) State what you want them to do to compensate you for your problem or how you want them to resolve your problem.

4) POLITELY provide a deadline for the issue to be settled, but do not threaten a penalty or consequence should the deadline be exceeded. (Don't get punitive or nasty when you're still at the point of asking for godwill effort.)

5) Close your letter with a nod toward their professionalism and consumer-friendly attitude; they are more likely to provide both if you assume they would behave as YOU would when faced with a similar situation. Because of course you would....right?

Definitely have someone proofread it, as a poster above mentioned. Sometimes, punctuation can make all the difference in the world and it can completely change the meaning of your letter. This could change the outcome or even confuse managers as to what you are asking for, so it's best to have someone review it before you send it.

@admiral_stabbin: I've been known to do my best to write a complaint letter entirely in words of one syllable.

there are two disadvantages to this: it's not easy; and I'm not there when they get it to see if they appreciate the sarcasm.

@ceejeemcbeegee: er, if you are a wamu customer, then cash it with your ATM card, or if you aren't and they are, cash it at your own bank? *confused*

@admiral_stabbin: And don't forget, you have to have another letter ready complaining about the fact that your first letter was ignored.

The federal government provides a great sample complaint letter here: http://consumeraction.gov/caw_problems_sample_complaint.shtml.

@ceejeemcbeegee: I'm not sure you'll get very far sending in a complaint to a company when you aren't a customer.

@ceejeemcbeegee: I am understanding this as your parents have a checking account at WaMU, they write you a check to get cash for them. You do not have an account at WaMu, therefore, WaMu is charging you $5 to cash a check that is written on their bank. That is crappy. I would complain even if you aren't a customer and tell them you would not be a customer if they treated people you wrote checks to as second class citizens when they wanted to cash them. This is pure profit for the greedy bank. They have no reason to add a fee for cashing a check for someone when it is drawn on their bank.

Not everyone has a bank account and can not take the check to their own bank for cashing. Even if they did, they would need to have funds to cover the amount of the check already in their account. So, if someone wrote you a check for $500, you better have $500 in your account to cover it. Also, this puts you at a disadvantage because cashing it at your bank leaves you responsible for the check if it is bad. If you present the check at the bank which it is drawn, you will know immediately if funds are available.

This practice of charging non-customers for cashing checks that are drawn on the bank is WRONG and we should revolt!!!

And don't forget to mention your 5 sickly children, that always helps. (wink)

@Dansc29625: @ZoeSchizzel: Amen to this. I work in CS for an online retailer. Using sarcasm in a complaint letter is not a great approach if you want someone to help you.

Another good thing to keep in mind is that person reading your complaint is an actual person. If you wouldn't say it to the face of a complete stranger, don't say it in a letter.

And be sure you know what your talking about before going on the offensive. Before writing "you morons shorted me two items!" check to make sure your packing slip doesn't say "order shipped into two packages."

Basically, play nice.

You can't make them do anything, so the trick is to make them WANT to make you happy, rather than make them decide to fight you.

Wrong Bruce, Ben!