Alert: You Cannot Buy Consumerist With Doodle Money
Our post last Friday gave people some great business ideas. We appreciate the offers, but we must insist that you do not try to purchase Consumerist with doodle currency that you have minted yourself, probably while drinking. You can, however, try to bail out the auto industry with it if you want.
Dear Ben,
We have recently attempted to purchase the Consumerist (please see below). We are concerned that our offer is not being taken seriously. We have recently taken on increasing financial backing. Please see here: http://blog.3bulls.net/?p=2216
Here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/32478419@N05/3035979777/
And Here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/32478419@N05/3037767183/
You will note the latter is a very valuable, in fact almost priceless, image of a spider playing Wii. I trust we will be able to wrap up this sale in due course. We will make every effort to gainfully employ all Consumerist employees with no changes. Salaries of course will be in spider money equivalents. We assume this will entail almost no lifestyle changes for you and your employees.
Best,
P. Punko
Here's the original offer referenced above, which was sent to Gaby:
To Whom It May Concern,
I am writing to inquire as the the purchase price of the website "Consumerist." I am wanting to inquire if the commenters will also be included in the purchase? Is it possible that they will not be included for a discount? I think I can automate the Consumerist commenting using a simple algorithm. First, I will have one commenter complain that it is the consumers fault, whatever the problem may be. Second I will have another commenter call someone a "jackass" for yelling at a customer service rep. Finally I will have another commenter alternately post "buyer beware" and "caveat emptor." Unfortunately, I do not have any funds available for the purchase at the moment. I do however, have a drawing of a spider, that I would like to provide for the purchase price. I think you will find its value will match that which you place on the Consumerist.
Kind regards,
P. Punko, Esq.
blog.3bulls.net
Another interested party named Michael is so busy producing money that he has no time for commas and that is why you can read his email which we have reprinted below very fast:
Dear consumerist,
After reading about the man who tired to pay his bill with a drawing of a spider I wish to purchase the consumerist with this drawing of a caterpillar which I value at about 62 million dollars should you accept my offer I promise to make drawings for all the employees daily which would range from stick figures to various animals and plants as you can tell I am quite the artist.
Regards,
Michael
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Comments:
First order of business - 'shop the "DO NOT SPEND" out of the spider.
UNLIMITED MONEY
Dear Friend:
I am interested in purchasing your Consumerist but I live in foreign location. I have already arranged shipping but need you to pay them for me. I will send a certified money check order for 1.21 jiggadollars, which you can cash at your bank. Keep your purchase price for Consumerist and then pay the shipper out of the difference, and keep the rest.
Classic.
Damn nigerian scam....
Beat me to it!
The spider only has 7 legs- which, as already discussed, negates the spider as legal tender. It needs at least one more leg.
While there may be some imperfections, this only slightly lowers the value of the image - I'd say about 58 million dollars. Economic stimulus is GO!
I offered $10,000 cash. I will now Offer $15,000 Cash. Real offer.
So a drawing of currency would be out of the question?
*Facepalm*
But a good joke nonetheless. It would have been much funnier if better times I guess.
@avenger339:
I apologize - i appear to have left off ~8 legs in my previous version; attached is my revised image, which I'm sure you will find is more than adequate in both legs and value. Please re-consider my offer, and accept my apologies for this arachnoid faux-pas.
@avenger339: For a few seconds, I was staring at both of your commenter icons and wondering, "Has Gawker started selling ad space there?" Seriously, I really thought that might have happened.
You can, however, try to bail out the auto industry with it if you want.
Someone give me the e-mail addresses for the executives at GM! I'll be a freaking HERO!
@Spin359: You're giving out $15,000 in cash? I'll take it!
Please send to:
Henry Paulson
Secretary of the Treasury
Department of the Treasury
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, D.C. 20220
Thanks Much for your Support of the Bailout!
@avenger339: oops I already spent outside of the spider! Can you lend me another spider till next paycheck I swear I'm good for it!
Caveat emptor!
Aww damn and i was gonna send in my Spider cash too...
Go with the caterpillar! It's worth far more than the spider
@Mistrez_Mish: I would recommend using a millipede as currency...with 1,000 legs per animal, it has to be much more valuable than a 7 or 8 legged spider!
Thanks for the laughs, great way to start Monday morning! :)
Just use rorschach ink blots next time, by this standard they're priceless!
Does the offer include all the vowels you have been saving up from disemvoweling commenters?
@RandomHookup: You just gave me a great idea: we should sell the vowels back to commenters.
Have you been disemvoweled? Reconstitute your inflammatory statement at 25 cents per letter!
[Off to email Nick Denton...]
Some bloggers trying to promote their site using unoriginal spider money jokes.
>.>
So, if Consumerist shuffles off this mortal coil, I think Ben and everyone should start their own, new super blog called "The Consumering" or "The Consumerlist", or something of that nature.
You can do it!
This is all the OP's fault guys, that' spretty clear
I invested long on spiders last month. And man is it paying off or what?
As long as jeff bridges and john goodman don't show up, I think I'll survive this recession and do just fine.
Since the for sale post isn't up anymore, does that mean Consumerist has a possible offer? Ooh, gossip!
Shorter Gawker: "your filthy spider money is no good to us."
Caveat emptor indeed. Our love for the Consumerist knows no bounds, not even the bounds of unwise spider money leveraged takeovers. It worked for Lehman, for awhile at least.
-P. Punko
Ok, then. How about a few thousand in Logitech and other CPG rebate checks then?
Has there been any serious offers Chris?
I have 1000 shares of Circuit City stock. Will that be enough?
@Mistrez_Mish: The caterpillar will turn into a butterfly and go right out the window, like most money does anyway. Makes sense to me. I vote caterpillar.
How about I trade you something for it.
@homerjay- Smiling politely: I missed the last word in your comment and thought you might be getting a little too friendly with the help. Never mind.
I blame the OP...
Ben, if you'd have had a "Best Company in America" tournament instead of a "Worst," you would have had scads of advertisers. Instead, you antagonized Best Buy, Comcast, Bank of America, etc.
Imagine if Circuit City were able to display "Best Company in America - as named by Consumerist.com" in their advertising! How much ad placement do you think they'd have done with you?
Or:
"Hello, this is Lehman Brothers. We'd like to place a 'Thank-You for Voting Us Best Company in America' ad on your site. What's that, $100 million per ad inch? No problem. We'll take three."
@homerjay- Smiling politely: Turns out I hadn't met my quotas yet, so I have to post today and tomorrow.
@mike: I have no idea. I'm just subbing for Meg today/tomorrow. I too noticed the "for sale" post was gone but don't have any insider info.
Put the site on ebay?
"so busy producing money that he has no time for commas"
Chris, we've missed you!
@Chris Walters: I reckon Circuit City ought to buy Consumerist - it'd be the best value way to improve the public perception of their brand.
Is the Consumerist logo SRV?