Starbucks bravely asked us to try their new healthy breakfast items, knowing full well what a bunch of jerks we are. Why did they do this? No one can say. Anyway, it turns out that their new breakfast items are pretty darn tasty. Our full review inside.
Pike Place Roast Coffee:
Chris: “I like the old “burnt” coffee just fine.” Ben: “This tastes like ‘coffee.’ Like ‘acme brand coffee.’” Meg: “Like from Looney Toons?” Ben: “Yes, exactly.” Carey: “Easily overwhelmed by the milk.” Meg: “If you told me this was Dunkin’ Donuts coffee I wouldn’t punch you in the face and call you a liar.” 
Apple Bran Muffin:
The Apple Bran Muffin has 330 calories and costs $1.75 Ben: “This muffin is the sh*t. It has a lot of sugar, though.” Carey: “It tastes like Frosted Flakes in muffin form. It’s Grrrrrrrrreat.” Meg: “I can get behind this muffin.” Chris: “Don’t you pretty much just love muffins, though?” Meg: “Ok, well. Yes. Shut up.”
Perfect Oatmeal:
Perfect Oatmeal has 140-390 calories depending on the toppings you choose. It costs $2.45. Chris: “I just don’t get it. It’s nothing you wouldn’t do at home with instant oatmeal. There’s no Starbucks touch to it. People who eat oatmeal eat it at home or microwave it at work. It tasted fine, but I don’t get it.” Carey: “I’m offended by the term ‘perfect oatmeal.’ It wasn’t perfect. It was all right. And it costs $2.45.” Meg: “The nuts are good. I don’t know about $2.45 good, but good.” Ben: “Once you add the nuts, there’s something to talk about.” Captain Duvel Moneycat:“NOM NOM NOM NOM GET OUT OF THE WAY NOM MOVE OVER NOM” 
Power Protein Plate:
The Power Protein Plate has 330 calories and costs $4.95. It contains a hard-boiled egg, peanut butter, a small bagel, grapes, apples and cheese. Chris: “This is a good package, but I don’t like hard boiled eggs.” Ben: “Good portion size. I like it.” Carey: “This is an airplane breakfast.” Meg: “I would buy this at the airport and take it on United Airlines because it doesn’t cost 9 %#%@-ing dollars.” 
Which of these options, if any, would you personally buy? Any final thoughts?
Chris: “I have already bought the “Stella” (280 calories, $1.75) and will again. It’s a “not unhealthy” choice. I’m impressed with the changes Starbucks has made overall. It’s true that the breakfast sandwiches stink up the place. It was not a good smell. Regularly brewing the coffee makes a difference as well.” Ben: “I’d have to have a reason to eat at Starbucks, but if I did, I’d get the protein pack. That’s your 4 food groups right there, and its a sensible portion. It’s convenient. And there’s pepper. For the egg. They even peel it for you. That’s great.” Carey: “If Starbucks showed up every morning with a breakfast like this, there are some days when I would open the door.”
Meg: “The oatmeal was a little pricey for what it was, but it did taste good, especially once you added the nuts. I would eat that muffin again. Damn, I love muffins.” Captain Duvel Moneycat: “I love this oatmeal more than anything I have ever known. It has opened my eyes and given my life purpose. Never again will I take for granted the miracle of God’s finest creation — the oat. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to lick the floor where someone accidentally dropped some.” 
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I buy extra thick Bob’s Red Mill Organic rolled oats for 99 cents a pound. I scramble two eggs, preferably eggs from a local buying club that come from pastured hens and contain tremendous mounts of Omega 3′s and vitamins. I mix them together. Wall-la! Protein plate + oatmeal for less than a dollar a portion. And it doesn’t support the man (or the people that support the man) unless that man is Bob and his Red Mill(I am beginning to suspect, from the size of his operation, that Bob may be allying himself with the man.).
@BytheSea: One of my cats (I have four) loves watermelon. He doesn’t beg for anything but if you are eating watermelon, he will beg. And don’t try to give him the grind; he wants the pink, sweet flesh of the fruit.
@muffingal: my cat once ate an entire ham sandwich except the lettuce. that included the pickle and tomato with mustard. he also eats entire rodents though so i guess that doesn’t say much for my sammich making abilities.
@katylostherart: have you ever watched that occur? i had a marty stoufer moment once when i was watching my cat (oliver clothesoff) devour a field mouse – i was so proud!
that feeling was quickly followed by nausea as the bone-crunching began…:-(*)
@mac-phisto: oh no my favorite is when he tears them open and then their guts stick to the pavement and he basically slurps their intestines up and it sticks like spaghetti before snapping up like a rubber band.
Okay I’m kinda confused. Do they make the oatmeal them selves or are they just reheated thermal pods like in airline food? It would interest me more if it was caffeinated oatmeal that tasted like their coffee.
Great. THANKS guys.
Now I have to worry about making it out of Starbucks alive carrying a cup of Perfect Oatmeal past a milling army of feral cats attacking my nether regions whilst the airborne division leaps at my face.
I’m sure Cap’t Duvel is tip-tap-typing away on an unguarded Consumerist computer (Aww, lookee: he’s typing!) alerting his confederates as we speak.
It’s like The Birds, only with retractable claws. And purring.
I’m REALLY pleased that Starbucks has begun offering more nutritious/functional items on its menu. Until recently, I almost never went to Starbucks because I’m not a habitual coffee drinker and Starbucks’s coffee isn’t good enough to lure me. Lately, however, I’ve been much more interested in Starbucks because of its newfound focus on functional food.
My only gripe is that the Power Protein Plate and the Vivannos aren’t quite good enough (nutritionally) to be marketed as fitness food.
The Protein Plate only provides 16 grams of protein; nearly half of its 330 calories come from fat. An active person really needs to start his day on a better foundation, so this isn’t a realistic breakfast option. If the Plate included two hard-boiled eggs and a small amount of lean meat, then we could talk.
Similarly, the Vivannos contain more sugar than protein (28 grams vs. 21 grams for a banana-chocolate Vivanno). I usually ask for mine with extra protein, which helps, but it would be better if Starbucks could make the drink with sugar-free chocolate syrup. Unfortunately, they stopped carrying the sugar-free chocolate.
All in all, these are very promising developments, but if Starbucks just improved the nutritional profile of these items a bit, they’d make a habitual customer out of me.
Maybe Captain Duvel Moneycat can be used anytime the Consumerist gives anything a good rating. “I’m Captain Duvel Moneycat and I approve of this good or service.”
As far as weird foods cats eat, when I was young we had a cat that ate cantalope.
@meg: lol @ airplane food comment
I love talking cats s much.
Did Captain Duvel Moneycat taste the other Starbucks breakfast items? I need his opinion!
That cat is sooo cute!
There was something else about Starbucks and oatmeal and a $5 “power-plate” but I was too busy looking at the kitteh.
I saw this at the ‘bucks this afternoon and was suspicious, because all of their baked goods are stale crappy sugar bombs, but these new choices sound promising. Of course it is cheaper to bring your own but it’s also cheaper to bring your own coffee, so who are we kidding about being all frugal? But I thought when they closed so many stores they were going to refocus on coffee and eliminate some of the food???
btw love the carbo loading kitteh.
If the oatmeal seems like it is just plain old Quaker instant oats, it’s because that’s exactly what it is. No foolin’.
Meow.
I’m wondering if Starbucks will appreciate the review or not, but overall, it seemed positive. I’m willing to give the Power Protein Plate a shot.
I must admit, this had me LOLing at work:
“I love this oatmeal more than anything I have ever known. It has opened my eyes and given my life purpose. Never again will I take for granted the miracle of God’s finest creation – the oat. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to lick the floor where someone accidentally dropped some.”
I love how the cat appears to be squinting in the second picture.
That is a cat on a mission.
The Power Protein Plate seems like a good value for a decent breakfast on the go. I’ll definitely try this in the coming week.
But do you have o order this food with those out of hip euro descriptions?
un œuf à la coque? huhhuh!
damn it, made a typo! *runs out of room*
Correction: The Starbucks Perfect Oatmeal is made with hot water, no milk.
Protein Plate needs a better name. It does look delicious though.
Ben – you have got to give the Starbucks a couple photos of Captain Duvel Moneycat NOM NOM NOMing out.
Who knows, maybe they’ll put a second “Contribute to Cap’t Moneycat’s Purrfect Oatmeal Breakfast” change cup next to the register.
…A (roughage challenged) star is born!
My letdown on the oatmeal was directly related to the service I got in trying to order one. No one knew how to make it (add water, duh) and once they figured it out no on knew how much to put in. So, even before I received it, I felt as if it would be mediocre at best. Oh, and the long line of people behind me all hated me. (FYI, normally my local SB is great, but they really dropped the ball on this one.) Some ideas to improve it:
Organic Oatmeal / Increased Texture — Needs more ooph for the buck, too processed.
Steamed Milk — Why should I have to add some from the coffee bar container?
Syrup — This is a long-shot, I know, but Pret has figured this out.
Let me know if Captain Nom sires kittens one day — he’s the spitting image of my (now deceased) cat who was our official food taster for 20 years. Adorable.
I miss him.