Starbucks bravely asked us to try their new healthy breakfast items, knowing full well what a bunch of jerks we are. Why did they do this? No one can say. Anyway, it turns out that their new breakfast items are pretty darn tasty. Our full review inside.
Pike Place Roast Coffee:
Chris: “I like the old “burnt” coffee just fine.” Ben: “This tastes like ‘coffee.’ Like ‘acme brand coffee.’” Meg: “Like from Looney Toons?” Ben: “Yes, exactly.” Carey: “Easily overwhelmed by the milk.” Meg: “If you told me this was Dunkin’ Donuts coffee I wouldn’t punch you in the face and call you a liar.” 
Apple Bran Muffin:
The Apple Bran Muffin has 330 calories and costs $1.75 Ben: “This muffin is the sh*t. It has a lot of sugar, though.” Carey: “It tastes like Frosted Flakes in muffin form. It’s Grrrrrrrrreat.” Meg: “I can get behind this muffin.” Chris: “Don’t you pretty much just love muffins, though?” Meg: “Ok, well. Yes. Shut up.”
Perfect Oatmeal:
Perfect Oatmeal has 140-390 calories depending on the toppings you choose. It costs $2.45. Chris: “I just don’t get it. It’s nothing you wouldn’t do at home with instant oatmeal. There’s no Starbucks touch to it. People who eat oatmeal eat it at home or microwave it at work. It tasted fine, but I don’t get it.” Carey: “I’m offended by the term ‘perfect oatmeal.’ It wasn’t perfect. It was all right. And it costs $2.45.” Meg: “The nuts are good. I don’t know about $2.45 good, but good.” Ben: “Once you add the nuts, there’s something to talk about.” Captain Duvel Moneycat:“NOM NOM NOM NOM GET OUT OF THE WAY NOM MOVE OVER NOM” 
Power Protein Plate:
The Power Protein Plate has 330 calories and costs $4.95. It contains a hard-boiled egg, peanut butter, a small bagel, grapes, apples and cheese. Chris: “This is a good package, but I don’t like hard boiled eggs.” Ben: “Good portion size. I like it.” Carey: “This is an airplane breakfast.” Meg: “I would buy this at the airport and take it on United Airlines because it doesn’t cost 9 %#%@-ing dollars.” 
Which of these options, if any, would you personally buy? Any final thoughts?
Chris: “I have already bought the “Stella” (280 calories, $1.75) and will again. It’s a “not unhealthy” choice. I’m impressed with the changes Starbucks has made overall. It’s true that the breakfast sandwiches stink up the place. It was not a good smell. Regularly brewing the coffee makes a difference as well.” Ben: “I’d have to have a reason to eat at Starbucks, but if I did, I’d get the protein pack. That’s your 4 food groups right there, and its a sensible portion. It’s convenient. And there’s pepper. For the egg. They even peel it for you. That’s great.” Carey: “If Starbucks showed up every morning with a breakfast like this, there are some days when I would open the door.”
Meg: “The oatmeal was a little pricey for what it was, but it did taste good, especially once you added the nuts. I would eat that muffin again. Damn, I love muffins.” Captain Duvel Moneycat: “I love this oatmeal more than anything I have ever known. It has opened my eyes and given my life purpose. Never again will I take for granted the miracle of God’s finest creation — the oat. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to lick the floor where someone accidentally dropped some.” 
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Cutest. Cat. Ever.
“Look, puny human, I have claws. CLAWS I TELL YOU!”
@winstonthorne:
Seconded.
Considering I’m eating popcorn for breakfast, I don’t know that I can reliably comment about what makes good breakfast. That, and I make my husband buy me chocolate cereals… (He likes sick things like Bran Flakes… and he’s not even 60 yet).
Captain Duvel Moneycat needs to be added as a regular contributor.
I’ll keep my Dunkin Donuts though, thanks.
@BlondeGrlz: He could work with Tax Cat perhaps. Although, Captain Duvel Moneycat by himself would be just fine, too.
I’ve never missed working at Consumerist more than I do right now.
Thank Jehovah! Starbucks sells breath mints as well. After drinking burnt coffee and eating a boiled egg, you’ll certainly need it.
Thanks for letting me know you’d “open the door” to Starbucks if they showed up with these breakfast items at your door. Just one more reason to not stay in bed all day, I say…
I liked the oatmeal, and the protein breakfast (which I got for free today, helluva coincidence that opinions are being sought) was simple, old-fashioned good food. What a revelation.
I did the math: for a few bucks over $10 you can buy a pack of oatmeal, a small milk a pack of dried fruit and (maybe) some honey to sweeten. That’ll be about 6 oatmeals at about $2 per. That doesn’t count that you’ll need a bowl and spoon at your office, line up for the kettle and then you’ve got to wash and put away your utensils (and make sure no-one steals your food).
At roughly $3 per bowl, it’s actually competitive with doing it yourself.
@mariospants: What oatmeal are you buying? You can get way more than 6 servings of oatmeal from a regularly sized container. Milk is expensive, granted, as is honey, but both of those items are going to last you more than 6 servings.
@GilloD: I’m referring to the pre-packaged Quaker and off-brand variety (6 packs to the box). They’re usually flavored, as well.
I wasn’t even considering the huge boxes: I’m talking stuff you can keep in the drawer of your desk and that don’t require a lot of work and cleanup to make.
I’m not a shill, btw, I just happen to like Starbucksy-type places.
Those claws! I would never get in the cat’s way when there is oatmeal involved. I can see many scratches (and potential losses of body parts) if that happens.
Everyone must now bring Starbucks oatmeal to the alter of Captain Duvel Moneycat.
Hm, $3 for a bowl of oatmeal isn’t something I’m willing to pay. I’m not really picky over oatmeal, so just pass me some of the kind you add water to and nuke. Yum!
@CaptainSemantics: I have a cat with claws like that, but he is nice and can grab without hurting.
Everytime my wife and I go to a Starbucks she asks for a blueberry muffin and they are out. Multiple starbucks in multiple cities and at various times. So now they are going to have new items to be out of instead of just having more of the good items they already have?
If I was in a rush, I could actually imagine buying the protein pack. (Did nobody think that it sounds so very, very dirty?)
Dennis Family Cat, Sr., would fight Cpt. Moneycat for the oatmeal. However, he is a large wimp and would lose.
Competitive my rear. I buy the kroger brand huge tub of old fashioned oatmeal, a bag of raisins and a half gallon of milk to keep at work or home. 2.25 for the oatmeal, 3.99 for the raisins and 2.00 for the half gallon is 8.25. This will give me 30 servings if i eat it like the oatmeal package says, i usually double it, so let’s say 15 servings divided by 8.25.
Yeah, I pay roughly $0.55 for my morning breakfast. 2.45, no thanks. As far as saving time, I have a bowl, and a spoon (both free fom my home) and I use the microwave and tap water. Takes 5 minutes desk to desk.
My revelation for the day? Never buy overpriced food. Unless you’re Dying for something specific.
I like these stories. Do them more often imo.
Also, we want more Duvel Moneycat.
My dog loves eating the leftover rice and meat in my mom’s bowl each morning.
(Yeah, we’re asian)
I wish I had an oatmeal lovin’ cat…
I had a piece of cake and some tea for breakfast. The awesome Captain Duvel Moneycat eats a healthier breakfast than I do.
But hey, leftover Chinese food for lunch is comin’ up! No scurvy here, folks.
If you are going to eat out you will pay more than eating at home. A morning coffee & oatmeal is the ~same price as coffee and a muffin and better for you. I found their oatmeal above average with generous portions of mixed nuts & fruits but wish it was hotter. I’d have it again. Ask for the bagged nuts, fruit, & sugar on the side & add them yourself.
Ben, if you are ever out of town and need someone to cat-sit for you, I will be more than happy to fly up from Birmingham and take care of that funny little guy.
what is that line “Stella!” from? I hear that all the time and it drives me nuts!
and thank you for reviewing breakfast.
@thesuperpet:
Marlon Brando, “A Streetcar Named Desire”
You should be ashamed of yourself! (jk)
“Stella!” is from “A Streetcar Named Desire.”
I second the motion for Captain Duvel Moneycat to weigh in on other crucial issues in the future.
that first picture’s freakin’ awesome. it looks like capt. moneycat is holding the clipboard while he reviews the oatmeal. lol.
is a review from a being that regularly licks his own butthole a good thing? hrm…
Shubmitten 2 I Can Has Cheezburger 4 ben and kitteh.
Okay, enough Lolspeak. I just had to.
I love that as commenters who usually argue and disagree over so many things, we can all come together over the sweet Mr. Captain Duvel Moneycat. He is truly the epitome of the universal language of love.
To the first pic: “You’re a kitty!” A kitty that knows his finances, even.
@cerbie: that’s the best cartoon. And sadly, it’s true.
@cerbie: +1 for the XKCD reference
/Deadspin’d
I love the cat… can’t say much about the oatmeal, but the cat is so damned cute!
Starbucks delivers?!
So did a Starbucks representative get your feedback while your tried the food, or did they run off before you could get a confessions article out of them?
Agreed, Captain Duvel Moneycat should become a contributor.
To the Editors:
To Meg – I’m obsessed with muffins, too. I sure hope there’s a support group for people like us….
Ben- Be thankful it wasn’t army coffee, pours like oil and could potentially damage vital organs.
Chris- I don’t get it, either.
Carey- Thanks for advising me how to get you to open the door
To Captain Duvel Moneycat: Another Nom Nom was needed, and a mild sedative. Seek professional help.
Do you put those horrendous caps on your kitty cat’s paws?!
I think I would prefer my boiled egg to be left unpeeled. The thoughts of some greasy minimum-wage earner picking at my egg with his fingernails makes me queasy.
I just had to register here and add that never before have I so thoroughly entertained and informed regarding breakfast simultaneously like this. Ever. Something tells me that there’s a coffee-flavored Starbucks coffee (how novel!) and a sugar-bleeding muffin in my future. Yum!
I demand a youtube video to see how fast that cat can munch a bowl of oatmeal.
HELP! I am cat-sitting this weekend and I want to give it some oatmeal, this bad boy really seems to be going crazy for it.
Do most cats like oatmeal or just this one?
I only have steel-cut oats so will those be okay?
Is it really the oatmeal or the milk the cat likes?
I. Want. More. Captain Duvel Moneycat! Those claws! That insatiable desire for oatmeal!
My room mate’s cat LOVED broccoli so that was fun waving the mini tree in front of his face, his claws reaching up and grabbing the treat. Then eat like a starving cat who regularly gets kicked down the stairs (pffft, never happened. Spoiled rotten little cat. Ate better than we die — he got all the broccoli.)
I’m going to have to get some of that Starbucks oatmeal–in order to see if my two black cats like it.
Just don’t feed your kitty too much oatmeal. They are carnivores after all, though considering the shit that’s in their food, I wouldn’t be suprised they enjoyed REAL oats instead of the crappy processed stuff.
More reviews from Captain Duvel Moneycat please!
It does sound like Starbucks has made some good changes now.
It’s nice to know Starbucks is selling cat food. I’ll have to pop down there and get my wife’s cat some.
OK, Ben just got a new middle name;
Clawed.
Enuf said. ^.^
I agree 100% with Captain Duvel Moneycat being a regular contributer to this site.
@Segador: I add my vote to this motion! More Nom Noms are definitely needed on Consumerist.
You can feel free to count my vote two or three times.
@Cyclokitty: My cat won’t even be in the same room when broccoli is cooking! Toes, on the other hand, are apparently very palatable. *shrugs*
Hmmm, I tried a protein pack pack today…It was tasty and a nice selection of different foods, but I think that I would have liked a second egg. I was still kind of hungry after I finished it. My usual breakfast is the Banana Chocolate Vivanno with extra chocolate. Choclatey, Healthy, and Chocolatey.
@BrianDaBrain: I agree that consumerist is in dire need of more Nom Noms and that Captain Duvel Moneycat should be made a regular contributor.
Finally, are there plans in the works for a Captain Duvel Moneycat fan club. My cat wants to join cause he looks kinda like Captain Duvel Moneycat. I am in support of my cat’s desire to join such a fanclub because Captain Moneycat has a job and is therefore an excellent role model for my currently unemployed kitty.
@ravensfire:
That Vivianno thing is healthy?? Ok I guess with 28 grams of sugar it’s better than most of their blended things, but still scary! Can i get it with splenda? Proly not.
Ben, you make me think of Robert Duvall every time I see Captain Duvel Moneycat’s name!
@ravensfire: My newest cat also looks just like Capt. Moneycat.
Okay, where are the pictures of the cat coming from? I must get them all together and email them to my girlfriend, it looks just like her cat. She’d love it.
Oatmeal = high fiber and high water content.
Any takers for litter box duties?
I’d be all over that protein plate if it wasn’t for the cheese. I’m just not a big fan of plain ol’ cheese.
As a cheese spread? Depends on the flavor.
On a burger? I can do that.
Melted over nachos? Now you’re talking.
The oatmeal’s a non-starter for me since I usually take a packet of instant with me to work (160 cal), unless I’ve already had a serving of bran flakes (w/ 1% milk, 165 cal) before I leave the house.
If the apple bran muffin was a weeeeeee bit less on the calories front, I could go for that. (Yeah, I’m one of those idiot calorie counters. I’m not proud of myself.) But as a once-in-a-while treat? Sure, I could do that. It’s still lower than the rest of their muffins. The Stella at 280 cal would be a more likely pick for me though.
That cat looks exactly like my cat, Fruitbat. He even has the old man-y
white hairs in his ears! I will have to try some oatmeal out on her.
She already loves bits of bread.
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Add one more vote: Moar Moneycat!
The pictures of Moneycat grabbing the crackalicious oatmeal will always bring a smile to my face. I’m half tempted to try creating lookalike pictures with my own black cat, who is Moneycat’s twin by different parents, and apparently has a fiber fetish. (I’ve caught her chowing down on my bread…through the wrapper.)
ZOMG! i want to NOM NOM NOM Captain Duvel Moneycat!
RIGHT NOW!
diner – 2 scrambled eggs (150cal), bowl of oatmeal (150), toast with a thin bit of butter (100), coffee w/cream sugar (50cal)= $6 (450cal)
+ bacon $6.50 (2 medium slices = 100 cal)
starbucks – bowl of oatmeal plus grande latte = $8
My cat used to eat corn on the cob (you had to hold it for him, though).
I don’t like how they changed the Starbucks Bran Muffins. The old version was way better, in my opinion. I wish they still sold it. It was less sugary and had yummy oats all over it.
I tried the whole grain roll this morning and got a free bowl of oatmeal. Really liked the roll, which had a great nutty taste and wasn’t dried out and cold like most SBUX breads. It came with almond butter and strawberry preserves (that I didn’t try).
I actually thought the oatmeal was pretty decent. I think I’ve been “spoiled” by the instant stuff, because I had to add a little salt to it. Plus, I normally make it with milk instead of water. I saved the nuts and fruit for an afternoon snack. I like how the packs have the calories printed on it. Oh, and they serve it all day!
Can Moneycat come and play at my office??? He can lick the bowl.
Is it weird that I want to buy the oatmeal JUST to see what Charles, World’s Biggest Cat and Known Fattie does with it?
“If you told me this was Dunkin’ Donuts coffee I wouldn’t punch you in the face and call you a liar.”
best line ever
Cats can be weird when it comes to snarfing down food. My cat inexplicably loves rice milk. I need to defend bowls of cereal with my life.
Also, Ben, I’m glad to see you let your cat keep his toes.
I’ve never had a cat who wanted to eat anything that lacked the flesh of the dead, except when Furball would try to knock my cereal out of my hand and lap up the milk. I think cats have a weak spot for breakfast foods.
@BytheSea: My wife and I had a cat who was nuts for corn on the cob. He usually did not bother us when we were eating our meals but if we had corn on the cob, he was very interested.