Never say "I'm never going to shop here again", what's their motivation to help you if you aren't going to shop there anylonger?

So telling that Cablevision CSR that I was going to put his children through a woodchipper and eat them with nachos if he didn't get my internet working was a bad idea?

Former call center drone here. One of the most effective things you can say is: "I know your performance is measured by how quickly you turn over calls. Here's how you can get me off the phone ASAP..." and then offer a specific resolution.

@ShortBus: but what if that resolution isn't what they would consider reasonable? Like "Here's how you can get me off the phone ASAP- knock 25% off my bill for the rest of my life."
Then what?

@homerjay: I didn't think I'd have to specify that the proposed resolution be reasonable.

yeah, I can think of a couple specific occasions in the past year where, "All right, give me the number for legal so I can have my lawyer call" has gotten me a resolution.

Of course I was correct and my complaint was actionable, so it wasn't just idle threats, but that was the ONLY thing that got their asses in gear. In one case it was the only way they'd escalate me to a superviser!

@xkaluv: Nevermind that "I'll never shop here again" usually means, "I'll tell you I'll never shop here again, but really all I'll do is be upset for a couple days, then come right back because you can save me a penny."

@Coven:
I want to know if you got your internet working again.

the most important piece of advice i can throw down is smile when you are talking to CSR's. They can't see it but it relays in your voice.

also calling the collect number on the back of the credit card (previous Consumerist post i think)

The "don't say" list is quite true, especially the legal thing. If you tell me you're going to sue, my next response is going to be to tell you to talk to legal, as I can't help you anymore.

It's worth noting that not everyone you talk to at a company is "customer support" and will tolerate disrespect from you. If you're talking with an engineer who's designed the system, he's probably going to laugh at you when you say "escalate", as though he's somehow responsible to pester his boss with your already-solved (albeit not to your liking) problem. (And, yes, this happens to me all the time.)

Also, those implicit threats you've so cleverly made? They're insulting. Do what you want.

Finally, accept that you will sometimes _not_ get the result you want, period, end of story. No company is going to overhaul their billing system just to meet your oddball payment schedule. No one's going to refund your money on an HDTV three years later because you suddenly got buyer's remorse.

# You're contacting a lawyer or going to sue

At a previous job I was required to document and report anytime somebody issued a legal threat like that. If you make a habit of doing it the call center employee on the other end of the line is going to look in your account and see a long line of "customer threatened to sue" and be even less likely to take you seriously.

Also, there may be situations that warrant this, but not being able to send 45MB e-mail attachments won't be one of those.

@thisisasignin:

Yes, but I wound up fixing it myself. I had to replace a coupling outside my home. 6 visits and their incompetent technicians couldn't trace the problem to a single connection right outside my bedroom window.

Sounds like this guy is a CSR with hurt feelings. The fact is, yes, you should always be polite. You shouldn't swear or threaten the rep. However, I've dealt with companies that were unwilling to help me with something that was definitely their fault until I used the words "if you can't help me, I understand that, but be aware that my next step is to file a claim with visa to get my money back". No one wants a visa strike, so all of a sudden, they start to see it my way. If you're dealing with a respectable rep working for a respectable company, this guy's rules all apply. However, over here in the real world, that rarely happens. Most of the time you're dealing with a miserable rep who works for a company that's paying them to get you off the phone as quick as possible. Sometimes you do have to propose an ultimatum. Sometimes you do have to contact a lawyer. As is demonstrated by this site, sometimes you do even have to contact the media to get anything done. Is any of that an excuse for bad manners? No, of course not. You should say those things (if you absolutely need to say them) in a respectful way - the guy on the other end of the phone is just doing his or her job - but don't let them do you wrong either.

Actually, as a person who deals with people on the phone, these two are fail:

# "I'm not going away."
# "Escalate."

At one place, I was instructed at that when someone threatens to sue I should give them the contact information of our law offices, and advise that I can not help them further and to disconnect the call.

I guess suing is serious business.

In what world would telling a CSR that you were going to kill them or someone else be an effective strategy?

As a current call center flunkie I can assure you that being as asshole will get you nowhere. 95% of the time you're calling because you screwed something up and now want to blame me, the site, the lunar effect on the tides for your mistake. We know when it's our fault and are happy to fix it (that's what they pay us for) but I have no desire to help or offer you anything the second the words "you people" escapre your lips. If you threaten to sue or contact the BBB we are required to pass you along to a department that basically finds the legal loophole to tell you to fuck off.

Just try to be polite. The chances that I personally mucked up your transaction are pretty much zero so there's no need to call me a bitch when I answer the phone. Also, I have all of your personal infomation right in front of me and have no problem spending a quiet evening signing you up for all kinds of donkey porn.

@ Erwos "No company is going to overhaul their billing system just to meet your oddball payment schedule."

ATT charges me every other month for DSL, as they can't seem to get there phone and internet billing systems in synch. So every other month - I pay for two months of DSL. The don't overcharge me or anything, but I just had to laugh when the told me they couldn't fix it. I could see someone on a fixed income being adversly affected.

@Abusiveelusive: As a person who deals with you know-nothings who hate your customers, I have to ask you, what do you want us to say to get you to just do your jobs?

Oh, I forgot. Your job is to figure out clever little ways to frustrate the customers who have issues so you're left with just the ones who don't care if they're being jerked around and ripped off. My bad.

@Eyebrows McGee: @What The Geek : I am one of those who don't issue idle threats. I think the point here is that if you have a real claim and are willing to follow through with it, then you should mention it as a last resort. Don't just willy nilly throw around "I am going to sue!".

Another tip: If you have just received stellar service from a CSR, ask for their supervisor so that you can tell their boss how great they are. It is a nice thing to do.

By and large, people turn into arseholes the second a CSR picks up the phone. As a former CSR, I try to be polite, but firm when dealing with CSRs, even when I'm pissed off. I think a lot of it is people are used to getting 'special treatment' if they go in acting like a douche..When I was a phone jockey, that pretty much guaranteed you will not get any kind of special treatment from me.

Meanwhile, if you're nice to me, you'd get a kinder, gentler, Darkrose who would generally bend over backwards to satisfy.

It pays to be nice.

@thisisasignin: yeah, but he's been throttled down to 250Mgbs per month.

@speedwell: That kind of jackass attitude is how you get crappy service. There are people out there who have no clue and are answering the phone, but the kind of attitude you just threw is exactly why you think CSRs are "know nothings". It's easy for them to say "not my job" and transfer you to another queue..but they could probably handle some of it if you weren't such a jerk.

@Erwos: As someone who has worked in a call center, I agree with you on when someone mentions legal actions.

My responds was always, "Sorry, I can no longer speak with you, here is the phone number to our legal department."

@xkaluv: I also agree with this one, it, my responds was "That's fine." There is no motivation to help them now. Why should I bend over backwards to help them out if they are still going to be badmouthing the company.

We may also want to add "Please do not 'take this seriously,' resolve the issue." to what not to say when someone is trying resolve an issue.

So what about asking any of the following:
So how is the weather today in Mumbai?

Can you please connect me to someone who's native language is English?

Is there anyone in the United States I can speak with?

Can I please speak with someone not in India?

Could you wait until I find someone who speaks Hindustani to translate?

I highly doubt your name is Todd.

@jessicat: "Also, I have all of your personal infomation right in front of me and have no problem spending a quiet evening signing you up for all kinds of donkey porn."

I don't think that there's a "legal loophole" that would get you out of having your ass sued off for committing fraud/identity theft. Just a friendly FYI.

@Triborough: Those would all fall under being a jerk.

@darkrose: That was absolutely my experience as well when I wa son the phones. If you were rude and demanding, then you would get the absolute bare minimum service I could get away with without being dinged and no more.

If you were polite and respectful, I'd bend over backwards and look for any possible way to get your problem taken care of.

On the other hand, I never had the balls to sign anyone up for donkey porn like jessicat seems to...but I've sure known a few customers who deserved it!

One of the other tricks I picked up is to purchase common stock in the company that you're complaining about. The thought process being that your not only a customer, but also an investor.

When I had a problem with Walmart a couple of months ago, I had written corporate a letter with my experience and the fact that I was a stock holder. (I had been for some time before the incident.)

I got a call from the general manager of the store within a day to apologize.

Never say
Don't go through your silly troubleshooting script with me, I am telling you what is broken...
with those Dell/Gateway 'support' people. You spend the same amount of time going through the script in a different order, but hey "Bill"...I was right about which part needed replacing in the first place had you listened to me instead of running back to the script.

And it wasn't my PC, it was my mom's.

I've found in my own personal experience that being nice as can be really gets you farther than channeling the Incredible Hulk.

Often times when you're nice you end up guilt-tripping the CSR into doing what you want. CSR's have built up an impenatrable defense to swearing and name calling other forms of intimidation it doesn't phase them. Subterfuge by being nice is what's required. CSRs won't expect a customer that's been screwed over to be courteous and polite.

I called my cell carrier last week wanting to renew because I was out of contract. I was nice to them, didn't threaten to cancel and got a new phone at new subscriber pricing plus a credit which I technically wasn't eligible for without even asking.

@Erwos: So how do you get to speak with someone not in India?

How about "please" and "thank you."

I have also heard about this model. 1. This is the problem I have. 2. This is what you can do to help. If that doesn't work, 3. Let me talk to someone who can help. It is one thing to complain about something, It is another to ask if there is anything that can be done about it.

@Corydon: Just to offer the opposite perspective - as a hotel front desk clerk, where my job was to make you pay as much as possible for a hotel room and never ever refund your money under any circumstances, I knew that the nice, polite complaints were the ones I could send on their way with no refund or resolution, and the mean, angry people who were calling me names intimidated me enough that I gave them whatever they wanted.

As it turns out, I'm not very good at customer service, so I try not to do it anymore. Also maybe I'm not a good person. But in my experience being nice to the CSR simply indicates that they're someone who will accept less than what they're asking for.

I've found that using ju-jitsu is effective from time to time. After I've been transferred 3-4 times, if I get to the first person again, I get a little upset "I am getting so frustrated!! I have talked to 3-4 people and so far I'm going in circles!" . The rep gets ready to do battle.... and then, in a much calmer voice I pull the rug out and say "I'm sorry -- I know this is NOT your fault. I know you're just trying to help -- it's just that I need help."

And that seems to work pretty well most of the time.

@darkrose: I only think that clueless, slacker know-nothings are like that. If you think my comment was also directed at the many helpful, knowledgeable, true "customer service" workers out there, then your reading comprehension skills need work.

My job is to solve technical problems and warranty issues on industrial machinery over the phone. If you tell me you want to escalate it to my boss, that's fine by me as I only do have so much leeway. I don't want the bean counters coming my way when I give $1000 worth of parts away for free, so let my boss do it. The no cussing thing is true, but we aren't supposed to hang up on a customer, so I just blank them out and let them rant and rave. Sometimes, I'll give an attitude (not cussing) back to them a bit if the story they are telling me doesn't really reflect their level of aggression. Sometimes, you can hear that the customer is going to go nuclear and try as you might, it can't be stopped. And I really do appreciate a thank you as I don't get it very often. I even had a guy send me a check to go out to lunch on him once, couldn't keep it (returned it to him) cause of company policy, but it was the thought the counted.

Employees REALLY don't mess around with death threats.

I know Consumerist readers love to hate on CSR's, cashiers, and the rest of the working public, but do yourself a favor and don't start with the death threats. A lot of workers have enough experience dealing with crazies to know they might not be empty. (Myself included.)

I can think of several times when customers have gotten violent and gone through with their physical threats, or have at least tried to. So death threats can be pretty real and are dealt with accordingly.

I think that being very clear on how I can resolve a problem for a customer is very helpful. Imay not be able to give the resolution they want but I may be able to compromise as long as it is a reasonable request.
It aggravates me to no end when a customer won't tell me what it is they want and in my experience most of them can't even answer the question when I finally have to interupt their rant to ask.

Every customer support organization is different, so the stuff above may or may not be accurate. For example, some organizations rewards customers that threaten to sue by transferring their call to a specialized claims dept - who will usually bend over backwards to keep that person as a customer.

Although technically in that circumstance, "I am going to sue" = "escalate."

@Triborough: You don't. And stop being a racist.

I don't have any problems getting through to CSRs... especially Comcast.
The trick is to figure out quickly if the person can help you, and if they can't, hang up before they can make a note on your account.
Then call back and try again with another rep.
I call it CSR-Fishing, and it works really well. Right now I have free Internet access from Comcast :)

@Erwos: If you can't understand what the CSR is saying, how is it unreasonable to want to talk to someone else? Just because you or I can understand nearly every kind of accented English, it doesn't mean other people can do the same. It's not the customer's fault that if they can't understand a non-native speaker, and a company that strives to provide good customer service should acommodate that type of customer accordingly. Triborough's 3rd suggestion is the preferred phrasing for such a request and I can't really think of any other way to be more delicate than that.

All other suggestions besides #3 still constitute being a dick though.

@Erwos:

It's not racist. Racism, obviously, is to make classifications based on race. This was a classification made upon nationality. That would be xenophobic. Though, his comment wasn't particularly xenophobic. The last time I had to call technical support for HP the call center was in the Phillipines. (I think) I spent twice as long on the phone because I had to ask the guy to repeat everything he said so that I could translate it.

It's not that I have anything against having someone in the Phillipines fix my computer, but it often becomes very difficult if you can't understand what is being said to you.

@Coven: ROFL.... brilliant.

@dlab: There is a marked difference between nicely letting someone know you're having communication issues, and being snide about it.

I've always found that carrots tend to work better than sticks in these situations. Telling a CSR that you recognize that they aren't personally responsible for any error you've encountered, and that you know mistakes happen seems to make them a lot more friendly and willing to go the extra mile and help me out. You wouldn't believe how many times I've said that and had the CSR tell me "I wish more people realized that" or simply "that made my day". Dropping a simple "please" or "thank you" tend to go a long way!

Obviously there's a time to escalate things and there's a time to be forceful. But no one likes dealing with an angry person, especially someone who's angry at something you had no hand in.

@Farquar:
Sprint account support is located here in PH. Although it would seem Sprint tries to hire those who have a grasp at English. I never had trouble understanding them while making changes to my account.

Local ISP support on the other hand, could care less if you can not understand them, in any language.

Also, as I try not to make this a big deal about outsourcing, it really can be frustrating when you just cant understand the person and you want to ask if you can speak with somebody not from (insert country here).