Curse-Drenched Masterpiece Gets Cable Fixed

This NSFW recording is an expletive-drenched masterpiece. It’s a series of messages a customer left on a cable company’s answering machine after his cable went out and every number they had listed in the phonebook was busy…

Our tipster says this recording used to get passed around at Canadian high schools during the 80′s and 90′s. You know, they say you shouldn’t curse because you can communicate better by using specific, and clean, language. I think this recording transcends the form… it’s a free-form jazz riff on the the four-letter word, a magnum opus of expletives. And in the end, the customer wins.

Still, file under “hilarious, but don’t try this at home.” Jokes aside, he probably could have gotten it fixed much quicker if he had just known how to use executive customer service.

(Thanks to Scott!)

Comments

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  1. Puck says:

    Boy, Dick Cheney sure loves his cable

  2. BrAff says:

    that is truly scrumtrulescent…

  3. snoop-blog says:

    Rotflmao!!!!

  4. Jonbo298 says:

    Just…wow. I can’t express what I just heard. Though it was hilarious even when it got turned back on, he still had to drop the F bomb

  5. oh

    my

    god

    I think that was my uncle Bill.

    Seriously though … he barely stutters at all and manages to string together rhyming expletives with a grace envied by Sailors everywhere! Points off for a fairly repetetive theme though.

    Oh, and the ending? Priceless!!!

  6. forgottenpassword says:

    wow! Red green sounds pissed!

  7. televisionarie says:

    As if being a cylon weren’t bad enough for Colonel Tigh, now the machines are just shutting him out.

  8. blue_duck says:

    I can not wait until I go home tonight so I can actually hear this… Sadly, massive explicit rants are “work inappropriate.”

  9. snoop-blog says:

    “Jeeesus fucking christ, what the fuck do you want for fuckoooffffff!”

    My new favorite line.

  10. lawnmowerdeth says:

    I love the ending!

  11. homerjay says:

    This guy needs Mr. Mackey’s 4-step program:

    Step 1: Instead of ‘ass’ say ‘buns,’ like “Kiss my buns” or “You’re a buns-hole”

    Step 2: Instead of ‘shit’ say ‘poo,’ as it “bullpoo,” “poohead,” and “This poo is cold.”

    Step 3: With ‘bitch’ drop the ‘t,’ cuz ‘bich’ is Latin for ‘generosity.’

    Step 4: Don’t say ‘fuck’ anymore cuz ‘fuck’ is the worst word that you can say. ‘Fuck’ is the worst word that you can say! You shouldn’t say ‘fuck,’ no, you shouldn’t say ‘fuck.’ Fuck no!!!

  12. mmstk101 says:

    @homerjay: I love that song! +1 for the South Park reference.

  13. yosarian says:

    That’s the best Thank You I’ve EVER heard!

  14. marsneedsrabbits says:

    It reminds me of: “I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.”

    Seriously, that was awesome. I think I understand what apoplectic means now.

    /props to the late, great Jean Shepherd.

    Sons of b*tches! Bumpuses!

  15. Imaginary_Friend says:

    Pure awesomeness! The ending was priceless.

  16. zjgz says:

    Maybe he should just read a book while his cable is out….

  17. Shark1998 says:

    What’s the link…I can’t get to it.

  18. Nighthawke says:

    Oh I worship in his shadow, that is so priceless! He just added a few more choice phrases to my repitore so I can more efficiently turn peoples ears red.

  19. cwlodarczyk says:

    Am I the only one here who thought this was simply just a sad display?

    I echo zigz comment and say that maybe he should read a book. Perhaps his vocabulary would be the better for it.

  20. chartrule says:

    LOL

  21. organicgardener says:

    Absolutely awesome.

    “…you should do what I do for a living.” And what would that be? A merchant seaman? A collector for the mob?

  22. JN2 says:

    + !!!!!!

    It’s Comcastic!

  23. Amy Alkon000 says:

    I’m in love.

  24. evilghost says:

    I think someone had too much to drink.

  25. AgentTuttle says:

    He mentions his job, but doesn’t say what it is. I gotta know.

  26. cyberdog says:

    WoW sounds like some of the people I talked to when I worked for Comcast. It’s Comcastic!!!

  27. HFC says:

    @zjgz: So, when a service you pay for stops working, you just ignore it and read a book?

  28. SigmundTheSeaMonster says:

    “hello motherfuckers! My cables back on. Thank you very much! -click”

    I wonder if this is the father of this gal I once dated. Sure does sound like him. And her, for that matter!

  29. SacraBos says:

    @forgottenpassword: Red Green would have fixed it himself. Of course, it would have taken about 3 rolls of duct tape, 5 yards of twine, 1 2×4, and one old tire from ’round back. It would probably work better, afterward, too.

    I’m a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.

  30. dry-roasted-peanuts says:

    What the hell is a “cack sucka”? Is that some kind of rap thing?

  31. OldJohnRobinson says:

    If he did this today Comcast would have rolled their entire fleet to this guy’s house.

  32. seamer says:

    This was done better years ago to a Rheem customer service emergency afterhours line.

  33. ukthom says:

    that

    was

    awesome

    fave line: “Get out heeah you buncha f*&$ing B*sturds…”

    Oh, and “Whorin’ Sluttin’” – going to work that into my next conversation.

  34. scoosdad says:

    @marsneedsrabbits:
    “SLEEPING JESUS, YOU GONNA PARK THAT WRECK OR DRIVE IT?

    The old man’s latest curse– one of an endless lexicon– was a new one to me. I filed it away for future use. It might come in handy during a ball game or an argument with Schwartz.”

    Also by the late, great Jean Shepherd.

  35. RandomZero says:

    The first place I heard this recording was actually as a song. It was set to music by, I believe, a band called “Landscape Body Machine”. (I got it on a mix CD by a local DJ.) It’s even better in that form – and oddly danceable.

  36. audiochick says:

    Landscape Body Motion is right. They have this song on their MySpace profile. It’s called “No Cable.”

    They pitch down the voice so the guy sounds more threatening…

  37. SchuylerH says:

    Sounds like Raymond and Peter.

  38. RabbitDinner says:

    Perhaps it was Henry Chinaski

  39. MisterE says:

    Dad…Have you been taking your meds?

  40. loudguitars says:

    Al Swearengen approves of these messages.

  41. wkiernan says:

    Ha, that ain’t jack. I can top that without even being drunk. First, I learned to curse from my father, who learned the English language in the U.S. Army in 1942; then I took it to the next level. My fifteenth-hour-at-my-desk midnight rush-job rants are much far, far throat-destroyingly louder, with rage-powered multi-octave range and dynamic polyrhythms, and vastly more variously and scabrously profane as well.

    Some times you just gotta let it out, you know?

  42. StoneKitten says:

    That was pure cathartic bliss.
    I want hire him to torment SEPTA in Philly. (I now have fios so my cable woes are n/a)
    Like others, I’m wondering what the heck was this dude’s job ?
    But darn it now I have Shut Yo Face (Uncle F**ka) from Southpark ringing in my ears.

  43. P_Smith says:

    He sounds like a Newfie. They tend to call it like they see it and not take guff from anyone.

  44. KarstenWopster says:

    The accent is an Ottawa Valley accent, not a Newfie accent (although the
    two are similar and often confused with one another). What’s more he’s
    an Ottawa Valley Orangeman, you can tell by the use of dogan (a slur
    against Catholics) as an insult. I’ve had a cassette of this recording
    simply known as “cable guy” both with and without the Beethoven
    accompaniment since 1990. It’s much funnier with the music than it is
    without. Although the man is clearly from the Ottawa Valley the word on
    the street at the time this bus-tape was being heavily circulated had it
    that the cable company the calls were placed to was in London Ontario.

  45. LittleEnosBurdette says:

    Sounds like my 70 year old father going off on Comcast (again…), with his dentures out, natch.

  46. aikoto says:

    Do I detect an accent?

  47. weirdalfan27 says:

    I was laughing so hard, tears were coming out of my eyes.