Make of this what you will, as the story comes from the Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s church-owned Washington Times and may be more fiction than fact, but “a senior government official with the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has expressed great interest in a so-called safety bracelet that would serve as a stun device, similar to that of a police Taser.” Yes, the EMD Safety Bracelet from Lamperd Less Lethal is designed to make flying a fun experience once again. Just check out everything it can do:
- Take the place of an airline boarding pass.
- Contain personal information about the traveler.
- Be able to monitor the whereabouts of each passenger and his/her luggage.
- Shock the wearer on command, completely immobilizing him/her for several minutes.
Lamperd Less Lethal—oddly, that name doesn’t make us confident about either the effectiveness or the safety of their products—has an entertaining instructional video on their site that explains why this is such a great idea. It opens with footage of the planes hitting the WTC towers, just in case you’ve forgotten, then describes how all the current solutions are ineffective—biometrics can’t spot “new” terrorists who aren’t in the database, Air Marshalls can inflict friendly fire on nearby passengers, etc. But they’ve got an answer in the EMD Safety Bracelet! Check out these handy graphics if you don’t believe them:
Okay, we doctored that last one, but you know there’d be a technical glitch at some point that turns everyone on the manifest into a herky-jerky bag of twitching muscles. Pretzels everywhere! Plastic drink cups flying! You have to admit, it’d be funny to see (so long as your own EMD Safety Bracelet didn’t go off at the same time.)
Lamperd Less Lethal insists that this is a great idea, and that passengers won’t mind being figuratively collared like slaves out of a bad sci-fi movie:
Wearing an EMD safety bracelet for a few hours during a flight is a small inconvenience to ensure their safe arrival…many if not most passengers would happily opt for the extra security of the EMD safety bracelet.
We’ll admit, it would certainly make it easier for flight attendants to take care of drunks, fashion victims, unruly children, and the occasional masturbator. But if DHS wants to take security this far, why not just anesthetize passengers and load us up on gurneys, where we’ll remain blissfully unconscious as we’re shipped like freight across the globe? It would be more dignified than wearing a stun bracelet.
“Want some torture with your peanuts?” [Washington Times] (Thanks to Capt Janeway!)
EMD Safety Bracelet video [Lamperd Less Lethal]
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Maybe if ALL of our public servants (from the rank and file all the way up to president) working in various levels of government (municipal, state, federal) are willing to wear this device while on their jobs, I might consider wearing that device on the airplane.
We do need competance and accountability for those on the job as much as we need safety in the skies!
@ThePantsParty: No need, your second passage makes clear your thoughts on the first one. Hence, you were wearing a fireproof suit all along.
Why don’t we just attach these things to our driving licenses too, so we can only drive our vehicles if we wear one.
That would make car chases a lot more interesting.
This is just like shock collars for dogs. Why not invisible fence us to the narrow uncomfortable seats too?
not even if it was manditory would i wear one
@savvy999: LMAO. too hilarious.
IF this country deteriorates any further, then hopefully the UN will make a pact against us like they made against Iraq or some other poor unlucky slob who did nothing to get invaded.
I learned this from my neighbor’s dog. Just take a bit of tinfoil from your hat and put it around your wrist under the band. There now. You’re safe from electrocution as well as alien mind control!
I’m not sure how these devices receive their signals, but making a miniature Faraday cage to enclose it should effectively disable it. Hooray for boondoggle technology. I think I found about 3 contradictions in their promo video too.
<tangent>
This whole idea reminds me of a time in high school when I had to take care of a mock baby for a weekend, and you had to use a key to feed it by turning the key in its back. Your grade would be based on whether the baby was fed promptly, whether the baby was dropped or shaken, etc. The key was attached to your wrist by one of those secure adhesive laminated paper bracelets so that it would be possible to tell if you removed the bracelet. Or so they said. I had to run a 10K on Sunday and didn’t want to have that damn thing on my wrist, so a little hot water soaking and careful peeling was enough to leave the precious little electronic “box of cry” in my mom’s care while I ran. Nevermind that I had to take the bloody thing to a sports banquet on Friday evening and it decided the best time to start crying would be right in the middle of my football coach’s speech.
</tangent>
Here is an idea to make these devices more interesting: Last time I flew, I noticed the plane I was on had some fairly advanced touch screens on the seat backs that even allowed things like chatting with other passengers. Let’s ratchet things up a bit more and allow passengers to vote by committee on who deserves to get shocked. Loud guy snoring in 8A? Kid jumping around in 14C? Bam!
While we’re on the topic, I’ll also throw out one of my latest ideas for airplane security. If a passenger becomes unruly, the flight crew can press a button that will open a compartment over the troublemaker, from which a snake will fall on their head [cue Samuel Jackson].
So what’s to stop anyone from putting a small non-conducting chunk of
plastic or rubber between say their arm and the bracelet.
+5 to security theatre though.