Want to drive a telemarketer crazy and amuse yourself at the same time? Here’s an example of how to do it.
The secret, apparently, is to make every third or fourth yes mean something entirely new through the magic of inflection—but you’ll have to stay committed to it even when the telemarketer catches on, which may result in a self-inflicted insult.
“How to torment telemarketers with one word” [YouTube via Neatorama]
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@SkokieGuy: So if I “mess” with a telemarketer, they are going to illegally sign me up for offers and products I didn’t authorize? And this is NOT the fault of the telemarketer, who is doing something illegal, but mine, for exercising my right to free speech and to talk in whatever way I see fit to someone who called me, unsolicited on my part?
So, I’m supposed to live in fear of these kind of tactics that might be used against me if I put a foot the wrong way while talking to someone I never wanted to talk to in the first place? I don’t defer to the whims of people who choose to dial my number (and yes, I’m in the registry). If they choose to do something unethical and illegal because they don’t like whatever I’ve said to them when they call, which usually includes informing them that they will be reported for violating the do-not-call registry edicts, then their company should be prepared to deal with the ramifications of the actions of their employees, be they past or present employees.
@SkokieGuy: So if some poor slob was trying to earn a living punching old ladies in the street that would be ok too?
Telemarketing needs to go away. It serves no honest or useful purpose in our society.
@joemono: I think you have gotten to the bottom of why I hate all salespeople. Well at least the ones practicing the above mentioned sales techniques.
The ones loitering in stores I hate for other reasons.
If a telemarketer calls me I just switch into Spanish and 99% of the time they hang up on me within 5 seconds. There was one time when the woman on the other end was bilingual I stopped mid sentence and just hung up.
For a little there I though telemarketing companies got a little more technological savvy. He said yes, and the telemarketer just continued. What a fackin’ moron.
I just hope there won’t be a law that bars people from making fun of telemarketers… This is just so funny.
@zentec: Seriously “Not interested, take me off you list” takes 5 seconds. Grow up.
@SkokieGuy: At the same time, one must take that as part of the job. There’s many jobs where people are idiots/waste your time – and if you know this going into it, you just make it part of your job to either cut your losses, or get very serious with your callers.
As for the Consumerist video, it may be fake – don’t most landlines phones give you a busy signal after the party hangs up.
Whoa! Am I reading what I think I am reading? People actually trying to justify telemarketers?
Here are some myths:
1. They are trying to make a living.
Sure, they are. So are the people who send me (literally) 700 spam emails a day. So are people who steal identities. So are bank robbers. So what?
2. It’s the only job they can get.
Not true. At all. In the United States, the option is always open for people to quit. If you don’t like getting rude answers to your inane telemarketing questions, quit. Go to a community college. Write a book. Do something else. These people are lazy- because they refuse to better themselves.
3. You really should be polite to telemarketers.
No. I don’t. They are intruding in to my personal space- to sell me a product I do not need. Anyone who intrudes into my zone, my house, or into my general place on this planet without being invited needs to be dealt with harshly.
4. You don’t have to answer the phone.
Why not? It’s my phone.
5. They have no choice of whom they call.
Sure, they do. They can stand up, walk out of the call center, and be on their way to a better career within a week. No one is forcing them to call me.
6. They will harrass you more if you don’t aquiese to their demands.
If they want to sell something, they won’t call me. If they want to waste the time calling me, then they are going to starve.
So- telemarketers deserve what they get, and then some.
@Hastin: Mine didn’t when I had one; it just went dead. If you leave it off hook for a while, then it gets the loud busy signal.
Oh, and to everybody saying how horrible and rude it is to mess with the telemarketers: telemarketers are scammers, pure and simple. They use high-pressure sales tactics to separate the gullible from their money. They are the worst of the worst. Especially the charity ones; try asking one of them how much of the donations go to the charity. By law, they have to tell you; regardless, most won’t. And if they do, it isn’t pretty.
If I get a survey call, I gladly help them out if I’m not busy. If I get a political call, I get a bit annoyed, but I just tell them I’m not interested and move on. However, if I get a sales call, or (especially) a charity call, I give them one chance to leave me alone; if they start going high-pressure, or call me back, I let ‘em have it. Hard. And they deserve it.
@bobbleheadr: It takes 5 seconds, and half the time it doesn’t work. That’s the problem.
BTW… NEVER say yes to a telewhore.
Them there yeses get recorded and you never know but you might have just agreed to sell your children for $1.
@ThinkerTDM: I agree with your point 2. At one point, I was desperate enough to actually take a telemarketing job. I quit after my first day, and never looked back.
@SkokieGuy: Keeping him on the phone and running up the costs of the marketing company is one of the reasons for the whole process. It’s just the one marketing guy’s bad luck that he’s the one who hit the wise-guy on the auto-dialer. The only way to reduce telemarketing calls is to make it so that they are no longer cost-effective. If they’re going to call and waste my time, I have no sympathy for them. That being said, I don’t usually start entertaining myself until after I’ve declined their offer at least once. If they refuse to give up at that point, they’re fair game from my point of view.
@joemono: Heh, funny thing there: before I did my one-day telemarketing job, I actually applied at a McDonald’s. And got told I didn’t have enough experience to work there. No joke. Granted, this was when I was 18 and hadn’t held a job, but still…
Would it have been easier if he’d just said “no” to everything?
Are you having trouble with your credit score?
NO
Do you want to prove your credit score?
NO
We have services we can provid…
NO
Thank you sir and have a wonderful..
NO
*click*
This wasn’t a telemarketer though. It was a debt consolidation place calling back someone who had filled out an application.
Debt consolidation people don’t need to cold call. They’ve got tons of customers.
Here’s the best telemarketer phonecall ever:
(warning, language)
I haven’t had a telemarketing call in years, since I’ve been on the do not call list. That is business telemarketing calls. I’m still deluged with calls from charities and around election time, political messages.
@sean77:
He sounded bloody pissed!
1) I hate telemarketers, but love the janitor. Why? Telemarketers are people calling my business number, pulling me away from projects and wasting my time in an attempt to defraud, sell overpriced crap or displace existing business relationships. The janitor is a hard working guy doing real work that I would never be happy doing.
2) The no-call list doesn’t work – otherwise I wouldn’t be getting calls. I would also be able to retire solely on fines generated by unsolicited faxes
3) The ‘yes’ thing is cool but takes too much personal time and effort. I put together a looping MP3 with a two minute run that goes “mmhmm [wait] mmmhmm [wait] oh [wait] that sounds interesting, could you tell me more?” all with curious intonations and simply set the speakerphone by the PC speaker when someone calls.
This was great, as were all the other videos everyone offered up for my pleasure.
To all who say not to waste the telemarketers time and be nice to them… screw that.
You call my phone, you listen to what I have to say, that’s that. You wanted to talk to me, then you either suffer through what I have to say or you hang up. If you don’t want to deal with that, don’t call me, easy as that.
i like messing with them when they call me.
the best ones are the scam calls, I keep them on the line and keep yanking their chain until they hang up. Actually when a call like that comes in people in the house pass the phone to me and laugh their ass off.
i should really record some of them
I also like messing with the johevas. When they come to the door i try and convert them to RC. or telling them they are unfit parents cause they would let their kid die instead of a blood transfusion or “why are you doing this? why should i convert when your heaven is full.”
I chased a few and their kids out the driveway telling their kids to call social services because “you don’t have to live in a cult, the government will help find you parents who wont let you die….remember kids social services is the way out of the cult” hehe we were black listed with them and they would pass our house when doing their rounds after that.
Jehovas and telemarketers make my day, I wish I would get more calls and knocks on the door……hehe
@sean77:
How nice. The farking telemarking company recorded the comments.
@kable2:
Your Jehovas comment made me smile.
I was a young lad working the grave yard shift and had just barely gotten asleep when there a loud knock at the door.
I went to the door
(because the last time there had been such a knock the neighbors house was on fire and they wanted me to watch their kids)
in my pj bottoms only.
And opened the door to great the smiling Jehovah Witness ladies (or maybe Southern Baptist). Two of them. Middle age.
Only problem was that I didn’t just open the front door of the house if you get my drift.
I always wonder if I am going to hades for my transgression AND if I did it again would I be arrested?
@BigSlowTarget:
That’s definitely the way to do it. I’m not sure I like the idea of a “Yes” loop (I’d be afraid someone would ask all Yes or No questions, sign me up, and then bill me for something), but I like the idea of putting together a 5 minute loop of things like, “Talk more slowly, please.” “Hmmmmm…” “Mmmmmhmmmm” “Tell me more.” “Could you repeat that, sloooowly please?” “I’m sorry, could you hold for a second? [20-second pause] ” “I don’t know… I’m still not convinced”, “You can do better.” etc etc.
Record a bunch of those with ~10 seconds of silence between them, put them on a loop, and see how long it takes for the telemarketer to realize they’re listening to a recording.
As much as I believe in the Golden Rule and karma, doing the trick above might be fun for a time or two.
@MommaJ: BS. They call me on my phone, at my house, they are subject to my torment. I’ll bet you look forward to reading your spam too huh?
nthing the “why should I feel sorry for telemarketers” arguments. If you’re a telemarketer, by definition you are an asshole. “They’re just doing their jobs?” Bullshit! Crack dealers are just doing their jobs. The bum in the men’s room at the bus station who will suck your dick for a dollar is just doing his job. The difference between these people and telemarketers is that they are providing a service that there’s actually a demand for, rather than just harassing people.
419 scammers are just doing their jobs, too. Hey, it’s legal in their country, why should you mind them flooding your inbox with deceptive messages about how you can get a million dollars if you’ll just give them your bank account tracking and social security numbers? They’re just trying to make a living, right?
Wrong. 419ers and telemarketers are subhuman scum. Even the argument that they have no choice is a false one. If somebody is really unable to do any other job (giving them the benefit of the doubt here, maybe because they’re physically handicapped and can’t do any job unless it’s no more strenuous than talking on a phone), they can work in a LEGITIMATE call center taking incoming calls and providing customer service as a receptionist or dealing with angry Consumerist commenters upset that their phone service was switched to AT&T without their consent or something.
I can’t believe the number of people here who actually defend telemarketers. While messing with telemarketers isn’t how I usually spend my time, they called me, I didn’t call them. What happens when they call is at their peril. Furthermore, I cannot believe that telemarketing is the only job option for some people, given the extremely high turnover rate in those boiler rooms.
As a side note, Jim Florentine, one who has profited from telemarketers calling him by recording his antics with them and selling the results on CD, had a call doing just the opposite. A telemarketer called asking him if he was interested in some investment opportunity and he answered “NO” to every question, until the telemarketer asked “Is that your favorite word?” to which Jim answered “Uh, yes.” Keep on fighting, Jim!
Thank god I got out of telemarketing now that the world is so full of people that get a kick out of fucking with them. But honestly? The BEST service I EVER sold while being a telemarketer was when I worked for a company that did calls for LDDS WorldCom. We would offer all sorts of weird shit for signing up for our phone service. Stuff like a honey roasted ham, or a phone card with Michael Jordan on it. I did sales for a new group they had selling 1-888 numbers to people. An actual service that people did’nt mind hearing about. I mean, you could have your own 888 number and your family could call you TOLL FREE and you would be billed like 5 or 10 cents per min. Even people who hung up on me would say “wow, this is actually a cool service….sorry not interested” before slamming the phone down. This was a few years ago and before cell phones were commonplace. I can only imagine what telemarketing is like now.
@caj11:
Don’t forget the one where Jim Florentine calls that one telemarketer “bitch” instead of “Mitch”. The telemarketer tries to suckerpunch Jim verbally but instead gets CLOBBERED by Jim’s smart-ass brilliance. Good stuff.
Very entertaining. I like that the telemarketer broke script at the end and kept his cool.
And, skokieguy, I realize you’re taking a lot of flack, but who wants to live in a society where we can’t make fun of others? That’s almost as harsh as the smug indifference of the “get a real job” types you’re taking on. Think about what you’re saying…
[www.ebaumsworld.com]
I hate these fake videos like this sigh. So fake.
Why are people sticking up for the telemarketing company. The guy is paid hourly, he gets paid reguardless. True more if he gets his sales, but they run on time schedules so just cause hes off the phone with one guy doesnt mean hes already on with another. I’ve worked the business before and this is not something to get your feathers ruffled up about in defense of the caller.
To those who defend telemarketers, address this fact:
A homeowner can put a sign on a door saying “No soliciting”, and if a door-to-door salesman violates it, the homeowner can call the police and have the salesman arrested for trespassing, or maybe throw water on the door-to-door whore and legally claim self-defense.
How exactly does one put a sign on the phone so telemarketers cannot call it?
You can’t, can you? So because people can’t make their feelings known to telewhores before the call, you think that makes it alright for them to call?
It doesn’t. Telewhores should be limited to an “opt in” list of calling numbers, to those who voluntarily choose to receive them.
If you want telewhores calling you up to sell their junk, sign yourself on. I won’t because I don’t want to endure that annoyance or have my time wasted.
I didn’t ask for the telewhores to call, which means they don’t have permission to call me.
@Corporate-Shill:
yea the jehovas are crazy, but fun to mess with their heads. Dis you know that they are not supposed to leave and as long as you stay there arguing with them they have to stay.
The key to getting them on the go is to look up some of their crazy beliefs and them have them try and defend them.
these are my favorites…..
1) blood transfusions…..ask them if they would let their kid have one if they were in a car accident and the doctors said it was the only way to save them. Then start dumping on them for being unfit parents and say that the government should take their kids away.
2) ask them about how many people are allowed in heaven. They believe that only 144,000 or some number and its full. so ask them why you should convert when your religion will get you into heaven, but theirs will leave you in limbo. For added effect tell them if they want to get into heaven they should convert to . Ask them why they are out wasting your time and theirs when “the gates are locked and the no vacancy light is on”
3) ask them “if your child decided to leave your cult would you still be friends?” then when they say no tell them they are unfit parents.
4) ask them why they stay in the cult. Is it because their parents will disown them? ant for added fun say that religion is only a way to keep the weak minded people under control.
5) ask them general questions or to explain their beliefs and then make fun of them saying what retard would believe in that.
6) when you want them to leave and for your house not to be bothered for at least 2 years say this to them ” sorry you will never get me back in that cult, i used to be in it when i was younger over in , by the way i am DISFELLOWED and dont like the way my family ignores me because i am too smart to be brain washed into a cult”
When you say you are disfellowed, they are supposed to turn their back on you and shun you. You will then be added to the “avoid that house black list”.
@jst07: Many telemarketing companies, especially the sleazier ones, work on commission only or something very close to it. If you don’t sell you don’t get paid (and promptly fired in most cases).
@SkokieGuy: You see, but then I can just file a chargeback, and get them fired by taking their company to small claims court for mail fraud. So they better tread lightly when it comes to fraudulent magazine subscriptions.
@bobbleheadr: Can you answer my phone at work? Maybe the guy trying to extend the warranty on my car and the other one who wants to consolidate my debt will listen to YOU when you tell them “This is an office. Please stop calling here.”
In the meantime, I will put the speakerphone on with the mute button, and let them prattle off into space until they realize no one is responding and they hang up.
No one else finds it fishy that when the telemarketer hangs up, we immediately hear a dial tone? Clever bit, but phony.
Wow. There is a lot of anger here. I tend to put my vote in the “ignore” or “hang up” category. I odn’t respect what they’re doing, but even more so don’t want to sink to their level.
Anyways, *yawn* I think the whole “let’s be a dick to the telemarketer” joke was done and over with when they did it on an episode of Seinfeld. Everything after that just seems like a dull knockoff. Seconds?
I get telemarketers at work a lot and some are really crafty.
Indian Woman: “Hello this is tech support for your copier. Can you please give me the model number?”
Me: What one?
Indian Woman: all of them please
Me: Don’t you have that? (I knew she was a fake so I played dumb employee)
Indian Woman: It’s the number on the front or the top usually.
Me: Why do you want that?
Indian Woman: Sir we need to know that for our records.
Me: Well you should know what we have or else send the tech to look at them.
Indian Woman: Sir, please can you get that number for our records.
Me: Wait, is this Xerox?
Indian Woman: CLICK!
I like to catch them in their lies and make them keep lying until they can’t get out except by hanging up on me.
Yeah, that was pretty funny. I’m not for “tormenting telemarketers”, in fact playing games with them just legitimizes them, but it was funny. That said the telemarketer was funny too.
“Are you a moron?”
“Yes.”
“Good, just getting that on record.”
He probably played that to his friends later too.
@tjevans:
You were part of the problem. Telemarketers need to have their time wasted so that companies stop employing them. They are a drain on the system. They make things more expensive and produce nothing. The sooner that job is eliminated the better off society will be.
Hey all, now Tuesday and I want to make one last comment to the thread. I am totally NOT defending telemarketers. I am suggesting in a civilized world we avoid random cruelty to strangers.
The time wasting and intrusion most of you resent is minimized by “No thank you” – click. All this toying and teasing and messing with telemarketers is taking up YOUR time. Many of you don’t like telemarketers, I don’t either. I also don’t like the sample people in the aisles of grocery stores. I don’t like being asked to sign up for an discount card at every retail store I shop at.
The constitution doesn’t guarantee the right to go through life without irritation. Should we all ‘mess with’ the clerk at Border’s who is required to ask us if we want to sign up for a membership? Why not waste 10 minutes of your life messing with them?
I am not arguing to support telemarketers. I wouldn’t mind if the industry dissapeared. I am simply arguing that we live in a mean ugly world where the impersonal nature of the internet has created a shift where it is okay to be hostile to strangers.
I’m arguing about being a kinder gentler person. And while you’re moving in that direction, you’ll also have an extra few minutes of your life that you didn’t waste messing with telemarketers. A win – win.
My telemarketing story: Some “insurance survey” company kept calling my house. During the first call I helped them out. I used to work as a survey cold caller, and I have sympathy for those folks. (Hint: They actually prefer you hang up, rather than listen to their entire spiel). But they started asking for really sensitive information, and I didn’t feel comfortable continuing the call, so I politely told them I was ending the survey, and they shouldn’t call my house anymore.
They continued to call during the week, and during the weekend at 9am on the weekend, or 6 – 10pm on the weekday. Every time they called I informed them I would file a complaint with the FTC, that I’m on the Do Not Call registry, and that they needed to stop calling me. They didn’t.
They called again one day at 6pm, right after a really sucky day at work. I let them go through their script and started answering their questions by rattling off animal species. When the guy asked me what I was doing I told him, “I used to do this, and I know your AHT should be around 3 minutes. I’m going to keep you on the phone as long as possible, and jack up your AHT. The only way I’ll stop doing this is if you take me off your list, and you never call me again. And I promise you, I will do this to every person that calls here.” He laughed, asked me to stop, and I told him if he could assure me he wouldn’t call again, that I would hang up (they couldn’t hang up on me).
He did, and I haven’t had a call back from them since. (It’s been 4 months now)
Oh, ah, YEEEEEEEEESSSS!
@SkokieGuy: If he convinces the guy to leave his job in marketing, he’s doing him a favor.
Back when I used to have a landline, I’d just hang up or say “Sorry, not interested” before doing so. A local newspaper, however, kept calling almost daily even though I repeatedly requested that they stop and put me on their do not call list. So one time, I stayed on the line but pretended to be completely obsessed with bread. Every sentence from them would lead to a question about bread, every question from them would get a bread-related answer, and so forth.
“And at our low new rates, it only cost [X] per day-”
“Wait, does it come with bread?”
“Uhhhh, no, but-”
“How do you expect to sell newspapers if they don’t come with bread?”
—
“So, sir, what’s your favorite section of the newspaper?”
“The bread section. Especially if there’s a good article on banana bread.”
And so on and so forth. I felt kind of bad leading the poor girl on for a good ten minutes, but it was worth doing once.