115F Degree Ice-Cold Coca-Cola
Reader Stevenson was doing some grocery shopping in the heat of the afternoon, one summer's day. Feeling parched, he located a Coca-Cola machine which appeared to him as a merciful desert oasis, or maybe it was just a mirage. Eager to quench his thirst, he hastily fed a dollar bill into the machine. He reached into the machine with the expectation of cool tasty relief, but what he retrieved from the bowels of the mechanical hell-beast was a bottle of Coke that was so f'ng hot he could barely maintain his grip. Shocked and confused, he looked around and caught a glimpse of the machine's digital readout that mockingly read "ICE COLD COCA COLA 115F." Stevenson's letter, inside...
Dear Consumerist:
I want to share with you a little sordid tale about hot summer days, grocery shopping and a little bottled-demon that I've come to loathe and fear.
Monday afternoon I decided it was about time to do some grocery shopping. This went extra smoothly which, in retrospect, should have warned me that my life was about to be forever flipped upside down. As I exited the grocery store I realized that, jeez, it was hot out. Quite hot. It was nice and chill in the grocery store, but not so much outside. To top it off, I have multiple sclerosis, and heat and I do not mix. I needed something to cool me down if I was going to make the walk home.
I walk back into the lobby and, thankfully, spot a vending machine. Granted, the only options were Coca-Cola, but, really, it could have been ice-cold vegetable oil and it would have helped. While not as hydrating as, say, water, an "ice-cold" Coca-Cola would certainly have helped. After a long struggle with the dollar-slot my fate was sealed.
When a machine tells you that it has "ice-cold" Coca-Cola, well, you're inclined to believe it. Machines, at least in my experience, aren't quite as likely to lie as people. This machine, however, was as far beyond the human concept of deceit as we are from ape. What it disgorged was, in no imaginable way, what I wanted.
Granted, the bottle I received was indeed Coca-Cola. That much, and only that, was true. The "Ice-Cold" part? The picture of the delicious, ice-covered Coca-Cola bottle, rising triumphantly over a scarlet background? That was a lie. An enormous, steaming lie.
I was literally unable to hold the bottle due to the heat blazing out of it. My Coca-Cola bottle was the very opposite of "ice-cold," it was "fire-hot!" I could not even hold the bottle.
Wrapping it in bags, I went to alert the customer desk in the store. I knew that the nothing would come of this (it wasn't THEIR machine, really) but I did want to alert them. Apparently, according to the nice lady who took a brief moment away from her cell phone to talk to me, this boiling Duke of Hell had been operating like this for a bit. How long is a bit? I'll never know, as she promptly resumed her cell phone use.
On my way out I stopped to gaze at the machine. I pressed my face close up to it. Despite being an air-conditioned area, you could FEEL waves of heat coming from its flaming, hateful heart.
Then came the moment that sealed the deal, the moment where I said, "Oh, I should write to the Consumerist."
The digital display? "ICE COLD COCA COLA. 115 F. ICE COLD COLD COLA. 115 F."
A summer day, a young man, and a vending machine with plans of its own. Here. In the Twilight Zone.
Thanks for listening!
You have to remember that hot and cold are relative terms. If you were, say, standing on the surface of the sun, this 115F degree soda would be quite the thirst quencher.
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Nam malesuada commodo erat et molestie. Duis pellentesque aliquam bibendum. Suspendisse venenatis lobortis eleifend. Mauris id est sed lectus convallis aliquam.
Post a comment
Comments:
That is awesome.
Did it have the variable pricing based on temperature in effect too?
I guess he/she made it home ok but wow that's crazy. I wonder what could even be going on inside that box to create such hot sodas. lol
Looks to me like the compressor gave up the ghost. 115F sounds about right for a running Coke machine with a bad refrigeration unit.
So what? This is mechanical malfunction. They happen all the time. They are inevitable. This is a non-issue.
Man, that letter was way too long. I'm sorry you got a hot Coke, though.
Thank heaven it wasnt a can. That baby would get hotter than 115F.
it woulda been different if the temp read 32-40 deg F, next...
Coke must be stopped before this happens again! They need to put thermometers on the machines so you know in advance! Oh.
The person who wrote this made it an interesting read. I never knew you could make a bottle about a hot Coke bottle so interesting. Maybe he writes in his spare time or something, it was funny.
With that being said, you shouldn't get Coke when you're hot or thirsty, because it acts as a diuretic and in turns makes you more dehydrated and hot.
Really?
you were saved...shouldn't be drinking that crap anyway......
maybe call coke and say your machine at blah blah grocery store is sauteeing the product?
@RINO-Marty: I think the real issue is the CS rep who was busy gabbing on her cell phone rather than bothering to say more than just "Oh we know it's broken"
That being said, don't most vending machines have a phone number of the local coke rep somewhere on them?
Good thing it was bottles and not cans....wow that'd be a mess to see.
I would have gone in the store and asked for a piece of paper and tape to make a sign warning others that the drinks are hot.
@RINO-Marty: So what? Its friggin' hilarious, that's what. But congratulations, you get the First Grump of the Comments award for this thread! Yay!
i loled
i was just wondering, wouldnt a really hot soda be prone to bursting?
Yea, 115 degree aluminum cans would have been much worse.
Why was a store clerk yakking on their cell phone?
C'mon!! Summer afternoon? Dead-heat of the day? His life was flipped upside down? Gitthefuckouttaherewiththisbullshit!!
that would have made me cry.
Funny. This narrative would have been the same story I got from my wife when all I wanted to hear was -- tried to buy a Coke from the machine and it was hot.
ah, reminds me of my music major days, and when the pepsi machine was on the fritz. it'd display the same temperature, which in Ohio's winter, is a nice sight.
however, getting a sticky sludge covered bottle because many have exploded inside the kiln (clearly not a refrigerator) is not.
Should have called the number for the vendor that pasted on the machine. Granted the clerk was a jerk, but it looks like nobody ever bothered to let the vendor know that the machine was broken.
As a side note, he was at a grocery store. I'm pretty sure he could have easily walked back into the store and got a drink from one of the refrigerated displays. (Unless everything the store sold was 115F, which should result in a call to the health department.)
Consumerist--the blog for frustrated writers.
"I went to get a Coke out of the machine, and it came out so hot I couldn't hold it" turns into a novel, not to mention something worthy of indignant consumer action?
WTF?
Maybe I'll contribute a scathing literary tome regarding my wet newspaper the other day.
People--remember the story about the boy who cried "Wolf!" next time you think you have something worthy for publication here.
Seriously, Consumerist? You're reduced to posting letters about broken soda machines? Jesus.
Wait, I'll post the obligatory post (blaming the OP) that they shouldn't drink Coke.......
Kudos to the gentleman who wrote in. You turned a rather mundane story about a hot bottle of Coke into an interesting and entertaining read that made my morning.
Hat's off to you, sir!
Not just letters about broken soda machines. Letters like THAT about broken soda machines.
Talk about sad.
I'd have gone to the store's fridge and swapped it for one the same size..
@ShirtNinja: So, you come here to enjoy it as yet another crappy blog?
Is that what Consumerist wants to be?
And how exactly is Comcast at fault here?
That's hilarious, a vengeful distributor on a hot day :)
Dear Wendy's, I have enjoyed your Chili oh so often but as of late I have issues when eating. It turns out that i have a weak stomach and the doctors say that extreme amounts of spice and fiber are not good for me. I am writing you, asking if you could please stop putting beans and spice in your chili as this effects my stomach. I am aware that I am but one person but my needs are more important to me than your other customers. Please think of the children.
Thank you
Chili Lover,
Everybody who's pissed about this post... Let's keep in mind that the "Irony" tag may not refer just to the contradiction between "Ice-Cold" and "115 degrees F" but also to the tone of the post itself. I thought this was hilarious.
(Although I would have posted a note and unplugged the machine.)
if this were a can that exploded and sent shards of 115 degree aluminum through the author's hands, then i could see this a an interesting story. hot coke, BFD.
@dondiego87:
heh..unplugging the machine probably would have helped drop the temp of the cokes to at least room temp :)
Every vending machine has a sticker with the name of who owns it on it, usually somewhere near the top. Try calling them. They probably don't even know about it.
1. Buy a soda from a machine that's telling you it's 115F
2. Write to Consumerist about it
3. ??????
4. Profit!
Fire hazard much anyone?
Last week when I was doing my laundry at my apartment I came back down to find one dryer load to be barely warm and still quite damp. The machine was out of order and no one put a sign on it indicating so.
I lost $1.00 and an hour of my time and had to put all my clothes in another dryer to get dry clothes. I also had to use my own ink and paper to put a sign on the dryer.
Can I get a story posted about this?
@elmo3: What's your damage? Does everything have to be serious fucking business or something? Look into your shriveled husk of a sense of humor and ask yourself this question.
@dmolavi: Even if that were to happen, most of the people who post here would find some way to blame that on the consumer. It would be his fault for picking up the can or his fault for trying to open it or something.
1. Buy hot Coke
2. Call the toll-free number on the bottle.
3. Nice person in Hotlanta takes info
4. Nice person thanks you, apologizes, and sends you free coupons for Coke products
Where is the story? If I get a bad can or bottle I simnply call the number, they take the info and send me a coupons to replace it. I once got three 12 packs free to replace one empty can in a 12 pack. I still have the sealed light can.
@Ash78: I bet that Comcast provides the cable for the company that owns the soda machine. Also, I heard there were two contractors waiting behind the machine to jump out and and spray paint unsuspecting kittens. Hope they didn't get thirsty while waiting.
A Coke machine that doesn't have Dasani bottled water? That's quite rare, at least in New England.