Reader Ben writes:
I found this Citi email funny because it is the CEO making me “among the first to know about the bold steps” that Citi is taking. He then goes on to not tell me anything at all about the bold steps. At least in my opinion.
Dear BENJAMIN [redacted],
I want you to be among the first to know about the bold steps we are taking at Citi to be the premier, global, fully integrated financial services firm.
Our objective is to create for our customers an experience in which services are seamless, payments and transfers effortless, and distances meaningless. My commitment – and the commitment of everyone at Citi – is to work tirelessly around the world and around the clock to deliver outstanding value and service as we continue to earn your trust.
We are proud of our enduring strength as a global financial institution, striving to successfully meet the needs of clients like you in more than 100 countries. As always, we look forward to continuing to serve you – wherever you are and wherever you need to be.
Ben, your problem is that you don’t speak CEO. Thankfully, we do. What Mr. Pandit really means to say is this:
An Oppenheimer analyst was quoted in the media as saying “”We wish [Citi's] management team all the best in their ambitious endeavors, but we fear [it] is past the point of fixing,” so we think you might fire us as your bank… and so we thought we’d email you. Hi there! Please ignore the fact that people are saying we are “so deep in a black hole that even renown physicist Stephen Hawking could not help the ailing company.” Kisses, -Vikram