The Best Sales Line Ever

I walked by this DS-Max/Innovage type salesguy who was trying to sell cheap merchandise on the street one and he started to walk by my side. “Who are you voting for?” he asked. Just to mess with him, I said, “Nader.” He screwed up his face like he didn’t understand the words I was saying and then said, “Well you’re definitely going to need one of these.” A few feet away I looked over my shoulder and saw that he had stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and was smiling and holding out some large bound object. Walking closer I saw that he was holding an oversized plastic kitten calendar. He had just unintentionally performed the wittiest piece of political comedy I saw all year. It was also a great sales line. No matter what I said, he could follow it up with the same call to buy. I guess it’s not foolproof, however, as my walls are still devoid of oversized kitten calendars.

Comments

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  1. BuddyGuyMontag says:

    I can has “none of the above”?

  2. PunditGuy says:

    Um, neat.

  3. Ahoatam says:

    fullproof?

    Your spelling isn’t fool proof either.

  4. DeafChick says:

    Ok Ben.

  5. chicagocooper says:

    I’ll take two.

  6. arby says:

    First off, “fullproof”? Next, when did this story happen? The greatest sales line in the world isn’t much use when you’re selling calendars nearly 5 months into the year.

  7. GotanOrange says:

    cats suck

  8. snazz says:

    for all intensive purposes, i believe fullproof is correct.

  9. homerjay says:

    @snazz: Sorry to be the guy to do this to you but its not “For all intensive purposes”

    [www.wsu.edu]

  10. ConsumptionJunkie says:

    GO Ralph Nader!
    GO Ralph Nader!
    GO Ralph Nader!

  11. homerjay says:

    Oh boy, I hope my last comment didn’t go through now that I read the rest of them……..

  12. STrRedWolf says:

    I think someone’s telling you that you need a feline in your life, Ben.

  13. ConsumptionJunkie says:

    GO Ralph Nader!

  14. ChuckECheese says:

    Those kittens are adorable at any speed.

  15. Dead Wrestlers Society says:

    All this talk of fool (full) proof got me thinking of that alcohol I used to drink in college that had a ridiculous proof (it was everclear – 190). Couldn’t remember the name.

    No I’m not an alcoholic.

  16. Wormfather says:

    @homerjay: I made that mistake in 5th grade…in 6th grade I “second that emotion” ended all attempts at me being witty. It’s been dry humor since that point.

  17. Angryrider says:

    What an effin’ liberty!
    I wonder if Nader is going to fight for our identity privacy, so it doesn’t get stolen. I know the other candidates aren’t.

  18. ludwigk says:

    Nader…ugh. Unfortunately, people are voting for him. Just save time and vote for McCain.

    I know people who voted for him in the 2000 election because they “couldn’t see much difference between Bush and Gore.” ORLY? Gore – Nobel Peace Prize. Bush – over $1,000,000,000,000 budget in ’08 for war. I hope its clear now.

  19. trujunglist says:

    @homerjay:

    I think that was a joke.

    @ Ben

    Wow, you’ve just given me the greatest idea ever for hitting on women. “Hey, what’s up? My name is TJ.” “Get away from me you freak!” “Wait, you forgot your kitten calendar!”

  20. snazz says:

    whip cream anyone?

  21. snazz says:

    @trujunglist: and the kittens are holding hands!!!! no woman can resist that

  22. homerjay says:

    @trujunglist: Yeah, thats why I added that other comment.

  23. stinerman says:

    @ludwigk:

    Granted, he isn’t going to win, but are you really advocating “a vote for Nader is a vote for $REPUBLICAN” even in states like Utah, New York, and California where the race isn’t anything close to competitive.

    It pays to remember that the Presidential election isn’t one election but 51 elections with different weights assigned to different states.

  24. joemono says:

    I don’t get it.

  25. MissPeacock says:

    @snazz: I know I certainly can’t. I practically squealed aloud at my desk when I saw the kitties holding paws.

  26. Munsoned says:

    Boo! Booooooo!

  27. btdown says:

    I dont get it…someone please explain this to me?

  28. Nytmare says:

    @stinerman: Meanwhile during the primary the media headlines keep assigning entire states to the candidates when that’s not how primary votes are actually apportioned.

    I also do not get what point Ben is trying to make. Maybe they are both kind of fuzzy? I don’t know.

  29. 51tiggy says:

    “intensive purposes”… gotta love it

  30. ChuckECheese says:

    @joemono: @btdown: Before we get started, you realize jokes aren’t funny after they’ve been explained, right?

    This sales line was an example of a non-sequitur, which is, a comment that doesn’t follow from its premise, viz.:

    Step 1: Who are you voting for?
    Step 2: [any answer]
    Step 3: You need kitten calendarz!

    In most humor, there is some sort of logical relationship between the setup and the punchline. But in the non-sequitur, the humor is in the fact that the punchline doesn’t relate to the joke at all. This joke gains additional traction from the prevalence of cat-related memes on the internet, and from the irresistible adorableness of kittens.

  31. Ben Popken says:

    @ChuckECheese: Thanks. Someone had to do it. The joke gets further traction because we once sent a guy undercover to work at a DS-MAX/innovage-type sales office.

  32. Verdigris says:

    It would have made his day if you told him you were voting for kittens

  33. Nytmare says:

    If it’s a non-sequitur, then why did Ben call it “political comedy”? What’s so political about kittens?

  34. Trai_Dep says:

    The best thing about the hands-holding kittens?
    They’re both boys!

  35. mmstk101 says:

    i tried to get my cats to pose like that. one of them bit me.

    : (

  36. Ben Popken says:

    @Trai_Dep: And on the weekends, they’re volunteer firemen!

  37. STrRedWolf says:

    Of course, there’s always that image: “It’s dangerous out there! Take this!” and it’s a kitten.

  38. forgottenpassword says:

    Kittens are cute and all, and the sales pitch not bad, but I still wouldnt buy a calendar. If they were ornate box turtles… then maybe I’d buy one. Even though the only calander I have any real use for is the the one on my cellphone.

  39. tcp100 says:

    Ben, what a lovely story.

    And you tell it so well!

  40. bnorton says:

    It’s too bad that there weren’t 3 kittens one black one white and one dead.