LEAKS: Best Buy To Purchase Wal-Mart

Some shillyshallying office worker came across some papers jammed in the Best Buy shredder that purport to show that Best Buy is going to buy Wal-Mart. Normally I wouldn’t sully the pages of The Conglomerist with such treacherous murk, but, irregardless, the news is just too good to keep to myself. If true, this would be the best thing ever to happen to consumers as two of the most kickass companies in America combine forces. Just thinking of of the cost-saving efficiencies provided by the vertical integration makes pleasure crystals ooze shoot out from my pores and explode all over my cat’s face (don’t worry, he’s ok). Oh, and so he can be fired, this traitor’s name is Ryan Smith

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Comments

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  1. consumersaur says:

    hahah..

  2. inkdracula says:

    Great Joke. This would start the downfall of America as we know it.

  3. se7a7n7 says:

    Are we suppose to try to pretend this isn’t obviously an April Fool’s joke?

  4. Beerad says:

    @se7a7n7: April what now?

  5. Joafu says:

    But it looks so real…

  6. scoopy says:

    :yawn:

  7. avarice072 says:

    this would destroy a decent store (Best Buy) through absorbing this shittiest store anywhere…. and create a mediocre store….

  8. Spamwich says:

    I should have started calling April Fools in the comments of everything I saw in the blogs today. Then people would know how super smart I am.

  9. Parting says:

    Jokes aren’t funny anymore.

  10. sikantis says:

    today nothing is real real …

  11. ChadSteelgate says:

    I’m going to downsize all the commenters.

  12. EmperorOfCanada says:

    But.. you just commented Chad..

  13. Parting says:

    @ChadSteelgate: Ha, it’s not like we are getting paid anyway :)

  14. G-16 says:

    If only it were true.

  15. @Spamwich: You’re only smart if you point out how unfunny or tired the jokes are. Duh!

  16. jeblis says:

    So sick of April 1st

  17. NoNamesLeft says:

    Worst consumerist day ever.

  18. Spamwich says:

    @Ida B Commenting: Hah, good point!

  19. Moosehawk says:

    This is blasphemy…

    No … this .. is .. CONGLOMERIST!

  20. rmz says:

    pleasure crystals ooze shoot out from my pores and explode all over my cat’s face

    O_o

  21. Smitherd says:

    Eck.

    I thought the first couple of AFD jokes were funny. By now, it’s just getting old.

  22. April Fools

  23. bugbiteme says:

    April Fools.

    We get it…still.

  24. Applekid ┬──┬ ノ( ゜-゜ノ) says:

    Screw these negative jerks. I LOVE The Conglomerist! I’ve been loving it all day.

    Some of you dudes need a sense of humor, yo.

  25. BalknChain says:

    @ChadSteelgate: where’s your star, Steelgate?

  26. Bill Brasky says:

    6 more seals and the apocalypse is upon us.

    LOL!

  27. Waliwalu says:

    @everyone: The realism is incredible guys, what are you talking about? No way this isn’t legit.

  28. danseuse322 says:

    This is the THIRD time today I have seen IRREGARDLESS used in the original article. It is NOT a word and using bad grammar hardly makes anyone look educated. It’s one thing in a comment, but when non-words appear in alleged articles it makes everything look ignorant. Seriously, it’s not worth reading if the writer doesn’t know what a word is.

  29. justdan says:

    The worst part of it was the use of the non-word “irregardless”. That is true April Foolishness!

  30. brennie says:

    well, we can be pretty sure Best Buy probably won’t get the joke and if there actually is some poor sap working in corporate named Ryan Smith he’s gonna have a lot of ‘splainin to do…

    but it’s still funny. all you folks with your crabby pants on need to lighten up. Or, I dunno, maybe write something better since you’re so darn clever.

  31. Mr.Ninethree says:

    Everytime I see the word “Conglomerist” I burst into random laughter…

    The sad part is my girlfriend has NO idea what Consumerist, OR Conglomerist IS sooo I look like a total fool.

    Conglomerist…heh

  32. jharrell says:

    REGARDLESS of the fact that irregardless (sic) is not a word, I like it when people at my office say irregardless – it makes me laugh at their stupidity.

  33. ChadSteelgate says:

    @danseuse322: Irregardless is a real word. What are you talking about? I have a forthcoming post that should elucidate matters.

  34. GamblesAC2 says:

    Of course it’s an AFD joke you can even tell by the ‘new Slogan’ Beacuse Best Buy never has it and even if they do got it, it probably doesnt work. so they just dont got it

  35. trujunglist says:

    Alright everyone, let’s all calm down about the April 1st hatred. You make it seem like you can’t learn something from a faux article, when all it takes is something called “perspective.” For example, anyone can get their news from Fox News. One person will take what they see and believe it to be fact. Another person takes what they see, reverse everything, and know that that is fact. The same can be done here. Irregardless of that, everyone is all pissed off because they can’t read the same exact article, written with an opposite slant. That’s pretty strange, but hey, you supposably can’t please everybody all of the time.

  36. PølάrβǽЯ says:

    This would be hilarious, except no other company in the world (except MAYBE Micro$oft) has enough money to buy Wal-Mart.

  37. doctor_cos wants you to remain calm says:

    Best-Mart?
    Wal-Buy?
    OOOO, if Target bought Circuit City, they could call it TarCity!

  38. CPC24 says:

    I like the slogan “We Got It”. Is that a subtle reference to CompUSA?

  39. doctor_cos wants you to remain calm says:

    OOOOO, Micro-Mart-Buy(Hoo)!!!

    The best crap from China, and the crappiest software to run on your craptacular crap.

  40. pigeonpenelope says:

    lol. as if

  41. BalknChain says:

    @ChadSteelgate: Good to see Conglomerist didn’t downsize and lose the stars.

  42. humorbot says:

    You have the pleasure crystals?!

    Where did you get those?

    *suspicious eyes*

  43. ampersand says:

    Wait, did someone call Best Buy decent?

  44. ampersand says:

    @aaron8301: Microsoft can’t even buy Yahoo! I’d love to see them try to buy Wal-Mart.

  45. Kenneth says:

    I, for one, welcome our new retail overlords!

    … no [yawn] seriously, i do

  46. whanghpo says:

    too nasty to comprehend……

  47. karlmarx says:

    Thats just a scary thought, two of the worst retailers merging together, not even funny…