Today’s consumer world has become increasingly fragmented and difficult to navigate, so we here at The Conglomerist put together a helpful guide on how to be a savvy shopper. It’s a five-step process consisting of Research, Shopping, Paying, Customer Service, and Disposal. After the jump, let’s get started with learning about how to use our dollars more wisely…
1. RESEARCHING
Watch TV. Observe the items your friends and coworkers purchase. Read glossy magazines. All of these can be great sources of inspiration to find new things to buy. How do you know when it’s time to buy something? It’s easy. Just listen to you heart. Whenever it does a little jump and says “gimmie one of those,” you know it’s time to put on your shoes and go shopping.
2. SHOPPING
Amble your way towards the item you’re looking for. Keep an eye out for products at eye level and placed at the ends of aisles, these are products stores especially want you to buy so it’s best to grab a few of these and help stimulate the economy. Once at your item’s location, a salesperson may appear to assist you with your purchase. They may offer helpful suggestions about additional accessories that can help make your product experience more enjoyable. Be sure to buy every one. If a salesperson offers to give you an extended warranty, take it. They’re the product experts so they know what’s best for you.
3. PAYING
If you don’t have enough money to pay in cash, that’s ok. That’s why credit cards were invented. Not solvent enough to get a credit card? Irregardless of your credit history, there’s a wonderful financial service out there called a “payday loan,” conveniently located next to your favorite liquor store.
4. CUSTOMER SERVICE
If you have a problem with a product, or feel disappointed by its performance, you’re probably using it wrong. Try reading the manual again, smart guy.
5. DISPOSAL
Once your purchase has a scratch on it or a new, better version comes out, it’s time to throw it away. Just toss it in the trash can, or from the window of a moving car. Don’t worry if it hits a Native American, he’s used to it.
What tips do you use for being a better shopper? Let us know in the comments below.
(Photo: Getty)
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Like, ZOMG! I am totally getting that 60″ plasma! THANK GOD FOR PLASTIC!!!
God, how I hate this stupid $&@#! holiday. For the love of God Ben, please stop now.
Please, continue with this woefully bad line of unfunny stories. Who is writing this faux-edgy drivel, Gallagher or Gallagher 2?
Thanks for the tip Chad! While buying my daily bottle of Night Train I realized there’s a Payday Loan next door. For a nominal fee I received an advance on my next few paychecks!! I can finally get those spinning rims for my 74 Nova!
First Americans for the win!
If you can’t decide which product to buy, find a salesperson and ask them which one they recommend. In the likely event that you can’t locate a salesperson, just pick the most expensive one, cause the most expensive is best.
Also, once you buy a product, be sure to show it off to yoru friends/neighbors/co-workers. This should inspire feelings of jealousy by them, and inspire them to purchase spiffy new things themselves. Note, if your friends don’t run out and buy something in response, or if they call your purchase frivolous, they are unamerican and should be shunned.
Lame.
sarcasm start:OMG CREDIT CARDS!!! YAY. I totally need that Range Rover and I can put it on that credit card and take a home equity loan . Who cares if I earn $30k I will look hawt with my clothes from Neiman Marcus and in my Range Rover. sarcasm end
/I totally hate this f*cking holiday. Why do we even have it? UGH!
Today is my dead dog’s birthday. He would have been 21 today.
Well, I thought it was amusing.
Also go with the biggest, most widely known stores because they are known for their quality warranties and customer service.
Best Buy, Comcast, AT&T and Walmart should be the type of establishment with which you should do business.
Ok. We get it. It’s April Fools.
It was cute while it lasted. You can stop now.
actually, this was really funny
Grumpy asses.
Wow, there are a lot of serious people here. Seriously, I think most of you guys need to chillax. Go and spend some of that hard hoarded money on something frivolous and learn to love the bomb.
@OSURoss: This is at least better than the conglomerist post.
Maybe they upgraded to Black Gallagher.
Wow. Let’s lighten up a bit people.
Internets. Serious business.
@Asvetic: chillax? come on, you’re better than that.
@many commenters above
ohh come on!!
where is your sense of humor…. isn’t life hard enough?
Laugh, relax, it will/might save you all a few bucks in doctor bills
Oy vey. Okay, okay we get it. It’s mid-day, can we stop now?
My time is valuable. Please don’t waste my time.
And no, I’m not a grouch! The consumer world is funny (sometimes not in a good way) enough that we shouldn’t have to endure these Fool-ish posts.
Hmm…I kinda disliked April Fool’s til I came here and saw how it can piss off so many people. Now I think I like it >:D
@ElizabethD: And yet you spend so much of it here posting…
The only way this “holiday” works is when people don’t know what day it is. In other words:
CUT THE CRAP, SPONGEBOB!
Having been in IT support for nearly 15 years, I can honestly say that #4 is dead-on in 98% of the cases.
Well, I was going to try to work all day so I can pay my taxes but fuck that, I’m gonna go splurge at the mall. Toodles!
You are forgetting the most important rule of shopping:
If one is good, two is better!
I want that credit card where I can text to find out how much further into debt I can go before they cut me off.
Wow. The April Fool’s joke because *much* more funny when I noticed how many people it was pissing off. Way to go!
@RBecho:
That is the most sage advice I’ve heard all week.
@RandoX:
Stalker!!
What is with all of the people crying about April Fool’s day? It’s nice to see something different for a change.
Is “irregardless” supposed to be the secret word?
That’s not a word.