They Ruined Kool-Aid Man

Look at what they did to Kool-Aid man. He started out as a giant jug of sugar water, busting through walls and letting you drink out of him, a seemingly never-ending supply of flavorful fun. Flash forward to today and his liquid stomach is stapled. How the hell are we supposed to have an all-afternoon sugar high off that teacup? And look what they did to his clothes. Instead of fruity nudity, fig leaves. And look how they foreshortened him to emphasize the fruit and berries in his hands. So now he’s tiny and modest and healthy. Yay, how awesome. How far we have fallen from Eden. After the jump, a cartoon rendering of Dane Cook’s Kool-Aid standup bit, which captures the essence of the original Kool-Aid man commercials in its own special way.

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  1. ImpossibleCheeseburgerPie says:

    I’m just surprised this change didn’t happen sooner.

  2. How fit do we expect a pitcher of bug juice to be? Not at all. I hate the world sometimes.

  3. MonkeyMonk says:

    Not to mention that he appears to be getting an enema from a rainbow of fruit juice.

  4. sir_eccles says:

    One word: Poochie

  5. B says:

    Why did the original kool-aid man need to carry around a pitcher of kool-aid? Also, isn’t it weird that Kool-Aid man would try and get kids to drink from him?

  6. Rectilinear Propagation says:

    There’s something wrong about a pitcher of juice having a waist. Very wrong.

  7. snoop-blog says:

    oh yeah!

  8. homerjay says:

    Give it time, he’ll probably be coming-out next and his juice will change from red to pink. :)

  9. For some reason, all of a sudden I am craving Pixie Stix.

  10. TurboWagon00 says:

    OK, as a mid-thirties reasonably-aware-of-pop-culture kinda guy, I can now confirm what I ve suspected: Dane Cook sucks (but is a triumph of marketing).

  11. PinkBox says:

    Ew… the cartoon kind of ruins it. I love Dane’s old stuff. The new stuff… not so much. :/

  12. girly says:

    He made more sense when he had the pitcher. At least that way, you weren’t getting your Kool-aid directly from him. And he was more recursive…

  13. BugMeNot2 says:

    @TurboWagon:

    Yeah, for some reason, he says the exact same things that dozens of other comedians have said, dozens of times, and in a less funny fashion, but he’s the one who makes it big. I don’t get it.

  14. Has anyone ever seen the picture where the kool aid man is photoshopped busting through the wall at jonestown after everyone drank the kool-aid?

    Greatest photoshop ever.

  15. EBounding says:

    And why does he need PANTS?

  16. SRSco says:

    Dane Cook isn’t funny.

  17. MissPeacock says:

    My favorite Kool-Aid man moment is in Family Guy. Everyone is in a courtroom and something shocking happens.

    Person 1: Oh, no!
    Person 2: Oh, no!
    Person 3: Oh, no!

    Kool-Aid Man comes bursting through the wall: “OH YEAH!!!!”

    Everyone stares. Kool-Aid man, embarrassed, retreats through the hole in the wall.

  18. Bladefist says:

    I used to like Dane Cook. To me, he had a new style of yelling and extreme comedy. 1 or 2 shows and I almost died laughing. Now he keeps doing it. I’m tired of being yelled at. Also he made it big so i doubt he is writing his own comedy now. None of his movies are funny, never were. Why do stand-up comedians have to sell out and do movies?

  19. Walrii says:

    At least this isn’t as bad as what they did to the Fry kids, Mayor McCheese, Grimace, the Hamburglar and so on.

    They got rid of them / killed them :(

    [en.wikipedia.org]

  20. BalknChain says:

    Fruity nudity, fig leaves, focus on his fruits and berries! Ben Popken, really, getting your Gawker on today? ha!

  21. MeOhMy says:

    @MissPeacock: You left out the part where the judge admonishes the gallery to stop saying “Oh no” or else that damn guy is going to come crashing through the wall again.

    My favorite moment also from Family Guy where a car crashes through the wall of Kool Aid man’s house.

    “Wow, from the other side that’s really kind of annoying!”

  22. Steel_Pelican says:

    Dane Cook is actually a pretty talented writer, but he relies so much on his “extreme comedy” that the writing gets masked by all of his onstage histrionics.

    I think his bits would be a lot funnier if delivered by a more down-to-earth comic, like a Jim Gaffigan or a Patton Oswalt. Some of their food-based bits below:

  23. Nytmare says:

    I’ve never seen anyone use a globe-shaped glass pitcher or cube-shaped ice, at least not since the 50s. So it’s like a 60-year-old man wearing jean shorts and purple sneakers, exhorting kids to come taste his juiciness. Creepy.

  24. Rectilinear Propagation says:

    @Steel_Pelican: OMG, I love the hot pocket skit!

    A failure pile in a sadness bowl. :) How am I gonna work that into normal conversation?

  25. Chris Walters says:

    Patton Oswalt’s KFC failure bowl is one of my favorite bits. Ha ha.

  26. bbbici says:

    @sir_eccles:

    exactly. Kool-aid man was Poochie-fied. Oh yeah!

  27. girly says:

    @Chris Walters: I’m surprised the word ‘trough’ did not make it into that bit!

  28. DrGirlfriend says:

    I’m convinced that KFC introduced their plated meals as a direct result of Patton Oswalt’s bit.

  29. STrRedWolf says:

    A few of us webcomic artists did a colab comic called “KeenParty” in the early days of Keenspace (now Comic Genesis). Myself(stalag99.net) and Mark from Zortic (zortic.com) joined with three others. The comic, spanning five strips, had everyone over at a brewpub called Shotgun Shells for a New Years day party. The plot twist is that the last few moments before New Years would repeat themselves until my WolfSkunk RedWolf and Mark’s Splink characters broke the time loop.

    In one of the strips, through, a character said “Man, I could use a drink.”

    *CRASH!* “OH YEAH!” comes Kool-Aid Man through the nearby wall.

    Another character, Sandra, zipped up to Kool-Aid Man and growled “You will be hearing from our lawyers about that wall!”

    Poor Kool-Aid Man. I forget how much the wall cost to repair…

    I got to get my archive up, if I still have those strips.

  30. Gev says:

    Let’s not forget what’s been done to the Rice Krispies elves over the years.

  31. AcidReign says:

        I’ve got to agree about the glass pitcher part. Heck, I grew up in the 1960s, and we didn’t have ‘em even back then! I loved the big cans of Kool-ade. Sometimes I’d just get a spoon, sneak into the pantry and eat two or three spoonfuls. Mmmmmm!

        In high school, we figured out that instead of putting 8 scoops of Kool-ade in two quarts of water, it was a lot better with an additional 8 scoops of sugar.

        In college, we’d make Kool-ade in a gallon milk jug. 8 scoops of Kool-ade, 8 scoops of sugar, a quart of golden grain 190-proof alcohol, a quart of Bacardi 151, a quart of Smirnoff blue-label 100-proof vodka, and a quart of water. Shake, and serve. If you made it with orange Kool-ade, it looked just like gasoline!

  32. I still HAVE that comic book, wow. And the Intellivision Kool-Aid Man game. Man I really need to throw out some stuff!

  33. crapple says:

    Dane Cook has no soul…unless he recently stole one from another comedian.

  34. Narockstar says:

    That’s so wrong. Kool-Aid isn’t juice, it’s flavored sugar water.

    Sometimes when I’m bored, especially when I’m in a useless meeting, I imagine the Kool-Aid man busting through the wall (or sometimes the Hamburgler). It makes me happy.

  35. backbroken says:

    I was all geared up to come in here and laugh at all the funny comments….and then I read the words “Dane Cook.”

    Now I don’t think I will laugh for the rest of the day.

  36. Angryrider says:

    Man I’m scared of the old Kool-Aid man. He’ll get you no matter what! Wherever you go you will always hear “Oh, yeah!”

  37. Beerad says:

    So sad — the Kool-Aid Man always seemed so lovably absurd. I think part of the appeal was that it didn’t make any sense at all to have this giant pitcher busting through your wall and crashing your party.

    Hamburglar not so much. I mean, I guess I get that he just loves McDonald’s so much that he’s apparently tolerated by Ronald and Mayor McCheese despite his larcenous behavior, but come on — the guy’s a creepy kleptomaniac! We probably haven’t seen him because he’s imprisoned for life under some state’s “3 strikes and you’re out” law. Robble robble indeed.

  38. yesteryear says:

    ive always known i was among kindred spirits here, but now it is confirmed. we all think dane cook is a tard! i had to sit through an entire hour of one of his DVDs once and all i could think was “this guy looks like he’ll give you HPV”. he just looks gross.

  39. fuzzymuffins says:

    slow newsday huh…

    the man in the suit from the 70’s…

    koolaid is sugar water and artificial flavors… wtf does that have to do with real berries and fruit?

  40. nmcglynn says:

    They did it to the Carebears too!
    They are all of a sudden skinny!
    [animalinsider.blogspot.com]

  41. Parapraxis says:

    man, what the hell is “juice”?

    i want some grape drank!

    sugar, water, and of course, purple.

    (name the comedian… definitely much funnier)

  42. solidstate42 says:

    @parapraxis – Definitely Chris Rock.

  43. nevergod says:

    @Parapraxis: man, what the hell is “juice”?

    “all the kids are going I WANT THE SUNNY D!”
    “f-that gimme the purple stuff!”

    love chappelle show.

  44. SpdRacer says:

    @Bladefist: He never wrote his own comedy!

  45. BeFrugalNotCheap says:

    So that means porky pig is going to wear pants now???

  46. hi says:

    @SpdRacer: How so? Please provide links to the source. According to this he writes all his material: [www.imdb.com]

    But if you have so real info let me know and provide a link to it. TIA

  47. cordeduroi says:

    That is one well-written yet hilarious piece.

    My mom used to make Kool-Aid with less then half the amount of sugar it called for on the packet. Blehhh.

  48. topgun says:

    @AcidReign: College? I had that for breakfast!.

    Now I understand why I saw “Kool Aid Man” in the Mitchell report

  49. hibiscusroto says:

    Dane Cook is boring.

  50. SexCpotatoes says:

    Kool Aid Man, now with 100% more c*ck!