Wipe Your Butt With Designer Toilet Paper By Renova

Renova is selling the first “fashionable” toilet paper, available in four designer colors: Black, Red, Orange, and Green. Their catalog copy reads, “A voluptuous texture. Colors for an outstanding style. A warm mystery in every single olfactive moment. Soft and glamorous…A paper full of pleasure.”

Trendwatching says it’s part of the consumer trend of “premiumization,” whereby every product is available in “upgraded” form. Think premium vodkas, where you pay $10 more just to have a fancy backstory in a pretty bottle, and apply that mentality to every consumer good.

Renova… now you can talk out of your ass and wipe it at the same time!

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  1. Grrrrrrr, now with two buns made of bacon. says:

    Okay…soft I can understand…and maybe even colored if it matches your decor and you’re into that sort of thing..but ya know, TP always ends up the same color in the end.

    It’ll be a cold day in heck before I spend 5 bucks for a roll of designer TP.

  2. AmericanSplendor says:

    If I’ll drink Mr. Boston’s raspberry vodka, I think I can wipe my tukus with no-name sam’s club ass-paper.

    Pooing isn’t fashionable.

  3. hageesheart says:

    I think we ought to just give up, and start building convention-sized vomitoria. For when the uprising starts.

  4. comopuedeser says:

    Trendwatching is correct. Everything has a premium. Even Folgers has a premium blend coffee now. Next up premium Q-tips if they don’t exist already.

  5. ConsumptionJunkie says:

    What a bunch of crap! I never use dyed toilet paper-unsanitary!

    Say NO to the fancy upsell!

  6. youbastid says:

    Well, 6 rolls for 5 euro…not sure how much “the good stuff” costs in euro over there, but here, when it’s not on sale, the good cottonelle costs about a buck a roll. The look and name of this stuff may seem premium, but the price probably isn’t that ridiculous. I was expecting 4 or 5 dollars a roll.

    But I gotta say, the $10 difference between Smirnoff and Grey Goose is very noticeable. As is the $10 difference between Mr. Boston and Smirnoff. Sometimes, paying a premium actually gets you something premium.

  7. szielins says:

    Nullo, stat! The copywriter is having an “olfactive moment”!

    (“A paper full of pleasure”? What do these people think we’re DOING with the– er, on second thought, don’t answer that.)

  8. undomesticgoddess doesn't sleep a wink says:

    I would never buy this… I only wipe my ass with Louis Vuitton.

  9. DrGirlfriend says:

    I thought only plain old white was healthy for wiping your parts. The dyes in colored TP are irritants.

    Also, the black TP might make it hard for you to know when you’re done. I’m just sayin’, it might not be a good idea.

  10. UpsetPanda says:

    This is just…weird. On the other hand, bored high schoolers with money to burn might find this handy when they need to apply a theme to their TPing spree of local trees.

  11. TedSez says:

    It’s meant to be used with Enova, the indigestible salad oil.

  12. Anonymous says:

    It’s not toilet paper. It’s “Lifestyle Tissue”.

  13. TheSeeker says:

    I remember, as a kid, colored TP back in the 70’s and always wondered why it was discontinued. What’s unhealthy about dyed tissue paper? Does it leach into the anus? So if I run out of TP,I shouldn’t use the Puffs? Should I use a loofah?

  14. llcooljabe says:

    I thought it was bad to wipe your ass with colored TP?

  15. lesbiansayswhat says:

    I admit I bought this last year as a gag and ‘I hate the holidays’ gift for my orange and poop loving friend whose birthday falls near Xmas. It was basically like Charmin quilted except ultra ultra ultra quilted and a complete waste in every way..but at least they don’t air commercials involving shitting bears.

  16. asherchang2 says:
  17. DrGirlfriend says:

    @lesbiansayswhat: I. hate. those. bears.

  18. sabbaticalplease says:

    There is nothing glamourous about an orange dingleberry.

  19. simplecreature says:

    Cut out the middle man and wipe your ass with dollar bills.

    Now that is PREMIUM baby!

  20. pennymonster says:

    i just warm mysteried in my pants a little, and now i’m having an olfactive moment.

  21. wigglepuppy says:

    “A warm mystery in every single olfactive moment”…um, gross. warm mystery poo-stank?

    and i have to say that my all-time favorite vodka is Monopolowa–its $10 for a liter at trader joes, and come in a generic-looking bottle, but it’s wonderful! it is made in austria in the traditional style with potatoes, not grain like most vodka is nowadays. in fact i think i’m going to go home and indulge in a monopolowa and soda with lime…yummers

  22. MartyPants says:

    So…will it help erase those annoying ass wrinkles and even out the skintone of the anal area? I’m interested. Tell us more, Renova.

  23. mattshu says:

    I must have large earholes but I would pay double for premium extra large Q-Tips.

    Please somebody hear my cries.

  24. edrebber says:

    No instructions on how to load the paper on the spindle. Does the flap go on top or underneath the roll?

  25. Grrrrrrr, now with two buns made of bacon. says:

    @edrebber: For $5 a roll, you expect it to come with instructions?

  26. SuffolkHouse says:

    Remember why they got rid of colored toilet paper? I recall that it was found related to colon cancer.

    Good thing people will pay extra for it. Who needs a colon?

    Never been a fan of punctuation myself.

  27. wigglepuppy says:

    @edrebber: that’s because loading TP on the spindle is for poor people. when you can afford super premium toilet paper, you pay someone to load it for you (and to wipe your butt), duh.

  28. SylviaPlathWasFramed says:

    Please. This is SO upper-mid class. Everyone knows the superwealthy don’t excrete, not since they discovered that top-secret surgery you can only get in Gstaad.

    I’ve said too much.

  29. ConsumptionJunkie says:

    Renova’s website says that it is available in four colors. However, they say later that the color red is only available in Europe:

    [renova.ficheirospt.com]

  30. laddibugg says:

    @dwayne_dibbly: hm, yes, i can see using this paper for decoration, kinda like how people have towels on display that you’re not actually supposed to use. The real TP would be under the sink or something.

  31. J.S. says:

    I’m a sucker. I bought a roll in black. Be back in 15 to let you know about the olfactive moment.

    … Belvedere dirty martinis are THE BEST

  32. raincoaster says:

    It’s not “the first ‘fashionable’ toilet paper.” Dawn Steele, Hollywood producer, made her first fortune selling tp printed with the Gucci logo, which she did without bothering to consult Gucci on the subject.

    But Lulu.com has a more expensive option: they’ll take all your rejection letters from publishers and print them on custom tp!

  33. guroth says:

    This kind of thing would great for themed parties, or mixing and matching colors for TPing houses on holidays.

    Definitely a special occasion item though

  34. Atelier says:

    I work at a design studio, and we ‘upgraded’ to the black Renova toilet paper a few weeks ago. I can tell you that there is something supremely wierd about wiping your ass with black paper.

  35. Brian Gee says:

    @simplecreature: Ewwww! Can’t get much less sanitary than wiping your ass with a piece of paper that who knows how many people have previously handled.

    Reminds me of my trip to India a while back. We exchanged a bit of money at the airport. My $50 turned into stacks (seriously… like a rap video) of tattered, brown bills stapled together with a dozen or so rusty industrial staples. The staples made it difficult (not to mention hazardous) to pull off a few bills at a time. When we got to the hotel, they offered to trade us for newer, unstapled bills. These one were white with orange and green artwork printed on them. It was then that we realized that the brown bills were just really, really, really, really, REALLY dirty. At the same time we were also taught the “clean hand, dirty hand” rule. I carried hand sanitizer with me for months after that trip.

    Money is nasty, nasty stuff.

  36. douche_dot_com says:

    Farrah Fawcette got ger ass-cancer from this paper.

  37. I would buy this in orange…and blue if they offered it. (Silly Gator fans will buy anything in Orange and Blue)

  38. jessy ratfink says:

    When I ever I see something like this, my face hurts.

    And I also think of those stupid Angelsoft commercials and how annoying the fat angel is and how I’d like to smash his face. :)

  39. Michael Jahn says:

    So THAT’s where the Bill of Rights went!

  40. elephantshoes says:

    i’ll stick with white. it helps when observing the colors of what it’s removing. how would i know my period started if i used the black?

  41. JPinCLE says:

    Am I the only one who thinks that the “ultra ultra” premium shitpaper, while it feels good to my finger tips, is a little too soft for my butt?

    Maybe some people (those that Charmin Super Mega Ultra target, no doubt) shave and moisturize their bums, but we just don’t do that in Suburban Cleveland.

    With the really expensive stuff, I usually end up with an unwelcome finger up my ass, which royally pisses me off.

    Quilted Northern – the perfect balance of comfort and durability. No unexpected shit-digits, no sandpaper, just clean bliss.

  42. kellyhelene says:

    @TheSeeker: It can cause yeast infections and irritation in women, among other things. (same reason they don’t have scented TP anymore, and you don’t see scented tampons outside North America)

    @lesbiansayswhat: I won’t buy Charmin just because of those damn bears. Even if it’s on sale.

  43. JPinCLE says:

    Oh… by the way, I did at one point in my life purchase Cottonelle just because on the plastic, there was a cute puppy.

    The puppy worked – the bears piss me off. I’m wondering how a parrot or perhaps a cow would make me feel about my next TP purchase.

  44. EtherealStrife says:

    @youbastid: It works out to around $5/roll. The dollar IS tp, and shipping is horrendous.

  45. chip says:

    ahh come on. this stuff has been on the market forever. gawker did a thing on it a few years back, and then i ordered some, haha. god i’m a looser.

  46. gman863 says:

    This is just another example of how rich people enjoy flushing their money down the toilet…

  47. Jackasimov says:

    @asherchang2:

    heh heh. “It’s really moist and truly gentle on the anus”
    All toilet paper should be. And if it comes in lovely bright colors so much the better. I love it. It makes me feel special.

  48. darkclawsofchaos says:

    $20 dollar bills are way more fashionable, more accessible, and the colr makes it easy to tell when you are done. Then again, if you are cheap, you could settle for dollar bills or normal paper. Or just take a dunp in a public restroom. BJs and Costco uses real nice quilted paper and they are always stocked

  49. KimberleeJ says:

    My husband thinks I am being fancy when I buy that pink toilet paper.

  50. Womblebug says:

    Premium cotton swabs. For parents who can’t figure out how not to impale their infant on a Q-tip. I actually received these at a baby shower.

  51. Parting says:

    Wow, I definitely should give it as a Christmas gift.

    Just the look on the person’s face, when opening their gift and discovering it’s colored TP =) Priceless…

    Like my brother said : WTF

  52. Zodiack says:

    That sounds like a porn ad. XD

  53. no.no.notorious says:

    FINALLY! I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY ALL MY LIFE

  54. junkmail says:

    @jpincle: Thanks, man. You just made me wake up the wife, now I’m sleeping on the couch tonight.

  55. glass says:

    ok. i call bullshit on the vodka comment. i agree that grey goose is expensive for no reason. but belvedere and kettel one are simply amazing at any price. look at what goes into them.

    basically, you pay a little extra for vodka that tastes better, and doesnt give you a splitting headache…

  56. dreamcatcher2 says:

    I think that my life will be complete if we see an article in two weeks with people complaining about their cracks turning green from this toilet paper.

  57. madrigal says:

    @12-inch Idongivafuck Sandwich: I too would wipe my butt with orange and blue toilet paper. As a FSU Alum, I find it appropriate

  58. kimsama says:

    @J.S.: I agree, premium vodka is much better than bottom-shelf stuff. I myself would prefer to spend a little more on Belvedere and not have my throat bleed.

    But, I think you mean you like a Belvedere dirty vodka cocktail. Martini = gin. We gin drinkers really need to advocate for a new word for the vodka version. I vote for “can’t-handle-gin-tini” ^_~

  59. bigspike says:

    Oh, why not just use Scotch double-stick tape!

    Mr. Whipple is definitely turning over in his grave.

  60. Lizawithazee says:

    I am so happy that it comes in all the colors of my shit.

  61. WideStanceRomancer says:

    How safe is it for premium (bleached) sphincters (so essential in these times)? Could it cause an embarrassing color run that would clash with my intimate wear?

  62. A warm mystery in every single olfactive moment.

    Am I the only one who doesn’t want a mystery occurring when they’re on the toliet?

  63. SacraBos says:

    “A warm mystery in every single olfactive moment.” We must all bow in extreme reverence at the sheer genius of this marketroid. This is market-speak at it highest, for he has crafted “That steaming lump you’re holding smells like shit” into a consumer-positive experience.

    I keep thinking how much different the sketch would be if Tommy Chong asked Cheech Marin: “Does that warm mystery provide a olfactive moment? Does is have a voluptuous texture? Does it provide a definitive response on the palate? Good thing we didn’t step in it.”

    I wonder why brown isn’t an available color…

  64. zibby says:

    I would have considered buying a roll in brown just to screw with guests, but they don’t even offer it. What crap.

  65. DrGirlfriend says:

    @jpincle: I knew I was a devoted Quilted Northern customer for a reason.

  66. bbbici says:

    I’m curious about the interesting new colors that will result from wiping. Although everything will be umber or forest green i suppose. vibrant colors don’t result from mixing with brown.

  67. aduzik says:

    @edrebber: Over. Always over.

  68. SacraBos says:

    @aduzik Unless you have little kids or a cat. They are much more likely to dump an entire roll on the floor if it’s over, since that’s the way they naturally try to spin the roll. If you do not have little kids or cats – Always Over.

  69. ctinaartista says:

    I bought this as a gag-gift last year. The paper’s HEAVILY perfumed, must be the olfactive moment they are talking about. Don’t buy it even for a gag gift, the perfume Burns!

  70. theblackdog says:

    All these comments and no one has considered the possibility that the dyes could leach onto your nether regions?

    I don’t think I’d want to walk around with my ass crack in day glo orange, and something tells me women would not want their vaginas to be tinged green or black.

  71. bunnymen says:

    As an aside, after reading articles about/seeing ads promoting the “Smirnoff is preferred in blind taste tests” angle, I decided to get one of those little airplane-size bottles one day. I figured maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t as bad as I remembered.

    Nope. Fuck Smirnoff. I’d rather drink nail polish remover.

    Give me my Stoli on the rocks and Scott toilet paper and there won’t be trouble.

  72. JustZoot says:

    This is the Best. Post. Ever.

  73. vanilla-fro says:

    @americansplendor: you’re not doing it right.

  74. OK, the toilet paper is stupid, but I have to say there’s a HUGE difference between a $10 bottle of vodka and a $30 bottle… although there is certainly a point of diminishing returns. The difference between a $50 bottle and a $30 one is probably not as noticeable to most people outside of a rap video.

    Paying for quality is not the same thing as falling for hype.

  75. bbbici says:

    Meh, I only wipe with baby-seal pelts.

  76. AD8BC says:

    Wow, Sheryl Crow, using one square of this at a sitting, could make one of these last a whole year!

  77. XianZomby says:

    @PerpetualCarouse: It’s not noticiable to the people in a rap video either. But the people watching the rap video notice a difference in the bottle lable. That’s why its featured there.

  78. XianZomby says:

    @ad8bc: Sheryl Crow poops?!?!

  79. cryrevolution says:

    @JPINCLE: LOL! Holy crap, shit digits…thats feckin’ hilarious.