Reader A. Hildebrandt writes:
On Black Friday, Amazon.com held a raffle of sorts. Essentially, they had several awesome items at insane prices, and people were randomly selected to get these details. One of these items was a really nice laptop, regularly $1000, discounted to $300 for 250 lucky people. I was not one of those lucky people. That didn’t stop me from winning in my own sort of way.
While these crazy sales were going on, quite a few people started donning tinfoil hats. Very, very few people got a shot at these details. So few, in fact, that people start wondering out loud if the prizes were being awarded at all. Finally, people started crying about how the prizes were _obviously_ being snatched up by Amazon employees, since their best friend totally voted and didn’t win anything. The forum was quickly flooded with angry customers demanding apologies, compensation… I think one person even was talking about a class action lawsuit. That’s what I love about the internet — low on rationality and high on hilarity.
I thought I’d add my voice to the party, in a post entitled “OH NO I DIDN’T WIN A LAPTOP.”
You can read Mr. Hildebrandt’s post as well as the replies it prompted, here. Sadly, his sarcasm did little to calm the conspiracy theories, so we rejoin our hero as he dashes over to Consumerist.com for Amazon’s Executive Customer service contact info…
By this point, I felt like it was important to escalate my complaint. After a little digging, I found the e-mail addressed for not just Amazon’s customer service, but Amazon’s _executive_ customer service. Just for kicks, I CC’d it to Amazon’s president, Jeff Bezos, as well. This is what I wrote:
Please escalate this e-mail accordingly.
Dear Jeffrey P. Bezos,Good day.
Recently, I participated in the “Customers Vote” promotion on your website. There was one item in particular that caught my eye: The HP Pavilion TX1305US Notebook PC for the discounted price of $299. I was ecstatic at the prospect of receiving this notebook. I’ve been without a mobile computing platform since I graduated college this past spring (after four rigorous years of post-secondary education). I had planned on using this laptop to write epic novels while sipping mochas at my local Starbucks. Sadly, when the time came for winners to be announced, I was greeted by a cruel message: “We’re sorry. You weren’t randomly selected to be offered this deal.”
This has thrown my life into somewhat of a turmoil. I had greatly anticipated receiving this laptop, and doing so would have enabled me to not only pen epic novels, but win prestigious literary awards from various countries. Not being in possession of a laptop, I am instead forced to write with the humble pen and paper, a process that lacks both proper editing features and spell checking.
Since this traumatic event took place, I have taken solace on the Amazon web forum, where I found others who were in a similar predicament. Together, we were able to conclude that the reason we were unable to win the laptops is that the laptops were never available in the first place, but were instead given to Amazon employees. In a thread I started earlier today, eighteen people (thus far) have confirmed that they did not receive a laptop. Since two hundred and fifty laptops were “available”, it is practically a statistical impossibility that not one of us was given the offer. The only possible explanation is that these laptops were claimed by Amazon employees before they were ever available for sale.
Even so, I have used Amazon for years and would like to offer my continued patronage. In return, I would ask for the opportunity to purchase one of these laptops for the low price of $299 plus applicable shipping. I would even offer to extend my patronage beyond its normal constraints, writing “I wrote Amazon Executive Customer Service a cheeky e-mail and all I got was this AMAZING LAPTOP” with a Sharpie (as opposed to a generic-branded marker, which tends to bleed) on the upper lid of the laptop. Also, I would dedicate my first published novel to you, Jeff Bezos (though you may not be the sole dedication), for providing me with the means to create the world’s next great literary work.
Please take this offer into consideration. I eagerly look forward to your response.
A. Hildebrandt
e. (e-mail removed) p. (phone number removed)
Several days went by, and I thought my story had reached a conclusion. I was happy. It was fun. And I got to feed a couple trolls.
What happened next, though, took everything to the next level.
On November 30, three days after Black Friday, I received an e-mail from Autumn Walker of Amazon.com Executive Customer Relations.
Dear Mr. Hildebrandt,
Hello from Amazon.com.
My name is Autumn Walker of Amazon.com’s Executive Customer Relations. Jeff Bezos received your email and has asked me to reply on his behalf, taking any action necessary to assist you.
I understand and fully empathize with your desire to write epic novels using the “HP Pavilion TX1305US Notebook PC” offered in the “Amazon Customers Vote” promotion. I had similar hopes of producing my own work of greatness when I cast my vote.
Perhaps fortunately for the general public, neither I, nor any of my colleagues whom I was ready to beg from, won this round. (Come to think of it, I don’t think we won *any* rounds.) It is important, however, that your genius be heard.
I am unable to take one of the fully claimed and purchased laptops away from its winning owner to provide you with this deal, nor will we be discounting other $1000.00 items to the fire-sale price of $299.00 offered in our “Amazon Customers Vote” promotion. As I’m sure you are aware, promotions are for a limited time only and cannot be extended.
I share your wonder that neither you nor any of the other 18 bloggers participating in your thread did not win the “Out & About” round. As a matter of fact, I was quite vociferous in like-minded protest. Perhaps the response I received to my own objections may clear this matter up somewhat: when I stoutly declared that some member of my voluminous family should have statistically won something, I was reminded of a common thread in our “Customers Vote” forum which states buying a lottery ticket only marginally increases one’s chances of winning the lottery.
Take heart; Norman Mailer wrote all of his novels by hand. And you’ve surely heard the phrase, “the pen is mightier than the sword”? It would sound absurd to substitute “laptop” for the word “pen.”
In the meantime, since fate has conspired against me as well, I will continue the process of gathering material for my novel, (also known as staying employed.) This means that I will certainly be on hand to help you find exactly the right Sharpie should you wish to persevere in your brilliant endeavor. That is, until next year’s “Amazon Customers Vote” promotion…
Despite this setback, I eagerly await the publication of your novel, and can assure you that I will be among the earliest purchasers at the bookstore.
Here’s wishing you the best of luck in next year’s promotion!
Regards,
Autumn Walker Executive Customer Relations
Amazon, I love you.
(Photo:GlennFleishman)
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@cibbomatteo: mmmm so what? that email is clear and concise as to what happened. should they rewrite it for every person inquiring about the same issue?
@cibbomatteo: I’m shocked to learn they would use copy and paste to respond to multiple customers with the exact same problem. Clearly they don’t care…
@rjhiggins: Seriously. When handling an issue that affects multiple customers, the least they could do learn a little bit about the customer and write a personalized letter, perhaps with a customized joke based on each customer’s purchase history. I mean, how dare they try to make the process efficient and try to get out a clear, concise message to as many affected customers as possible?
@spinachdip: What? Someone on Consumerist suggesting that a stranger should look at a customer’s private purchasing history?!
@CIBBOMATTEO: Maybe they thought you hadn’t read it the first time…?
@EATINGSTEAK: What kind of sense would it make for them to give a writer a greatly reduced in price laptop because they had written something clever. They would have then had to give the same deal to every other person requesting the same. That just wouldn’t have been good business sense. There may have been lots of good publicity, but there also would have been people requesting the deal. By the CSR taking the time to write a witty response, they’ve gained some good publicity and avoided having to give a lot of people cheap laptops.
Heh. This place cracks me up. Just as much for the curmudgeony people who get bent out of shape as for the people who then knock said curmudgeons down a peg.
that is so awesome. fo real; amazon just gained some serious street cred with me. but wait; providing great customer service actually gets you better customers? what? when did this happen? because surely corporate america would have caught on. but instead they provide crappy customer service! its almost like they are idiots!
People always say, “If it was my job, I would’ve [insert witty and/or morally uplifting remark here]“. Thank you, Autumn Walker, for being a real person and doing just that.
Hildebrandt, you rock too!
LOL AWESOME. Amazon should give that employee a raise.
“Autumn Walker” = the name of a song by Jets to Brazil. While I applaud the author’s humor, I don’t appreciate his use of anonyminity (sic).
My feet may be blocks of ice at the moment, but reading this warmed my heart. There is hope yet for consumers!
Everyone who applauds Autumn Walker, or decries her anonymity – I write so-called corporate correspondence for a living and I’m sure if the representative’s real name were attached, they would be looking for a new job.
@JudgeIto: Because everybody knows that if it’s the name of a song by an obscure band, it can’t be a person’s real name.
I thought the same thing last year.. I actually won a Nintendo Wii this year (seriously). Let me tell you how suprised I was. I was going to keep it, but they were going for so much money on eBay I couldn’t resist.
Amazon rules. I’m sure Amazon is giving Autumn a pat on the back for this one. I sure like Amazon more after reading this.
When you have a million customers (which even a small percentage is still a large amount) are you really going to want to personally write back a different reply to each person? If both people had the same problem with the Wii accessories, if the email is clear and precise on what needs to be said, why WOULD it be changed for someone else with the same problem? It is called saving time, and I figure that email was fairly clear enough regarding their policy about the Black Friday Wii Sale – We’ve learned to interpret copy/paste responses as uncaring/distant, but sometimes, they are going to do it because it is cost effective, and WHY NOT if the email is good enough. Sure it could handle a little more personalization but I don’t think they should be made out to be so horrible just because of that. I’ve always had a GREAT history with Amazon and Amazon Customer Service… Because anytime I have had a problem, It has been resolved.
This guys email wasn’t about a problem, it was a joke. I understand that, however, it represents many others who surely have emailed amazon trying to get something for nothing. Theres a difference between getting what you deserve (if there were 250 of them and you weren’t part of the random selection, well, deal with it, its not Amazons fault, you aren’t entitled to the deal.) and getting more than what you deserve, or something for nothing.
Bad customer service -> lost customers.
Good customer service -> abusive customers.
Sometimes even for the companies it seems like a lose-lose. We as consumers need to learn where the line is for asking for something.
Though I am glad that Amazon has a sense of humor regarding the cheeky email, it was truly a well written waste of time, wasn’t it? And what if they had offered the laptop to him despite it being a joke? Sure thats great customer service, but really they should have no obligation no matter how well the email was written or how funny the customer is. I do commend them for their response however.
ha.
You should definitely keep up the correspondence with Autumn at Amazon. Before you know it you will both have enough material to publish an entire collection of witty and highbrow zingers. This work would only be rivaled by such publications as the published correspondences between Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud, Einstein and Leibniz, etc. Respected minds around the world would enjoy this work with overpriced cheese and Cabernet and chortle in sanctimonious glee.
I think you should send Autumn periodic “updates” of your novel.
I am an x amazon.com employee and I know autumn personally. She is one of the best this company has when it was comes to customer service and one of the sweetest and most all around great person i know.. you are lucky she got the email..
@zymase: we use our real names, if we gave a customer “fake” names that is when we would be looking for a new job. not the other way around.
That response is priceless! I’ve had nothing but great service from Amazon. Speaking of, I’m sitting here now waiting for UPS for my new camera from Amazon
Autumn Winter is a real person. I confirmed it with with a friend who is an employee at Amazon.com. This letter and the link at Consumerist is doing the rounds at Amazon today.
This actually made me grin from ear to ear. Here’s to great customer service!
You know, given the humor and cleverness of her response, Ms. Walker might have a shot at that novel thing. I love companies with a sense of humor.
“Essentially, they had several awesome items at insane prices, and people were randomly selected to get these details.”
Why does he keep saying ‘details.’ Wouldn’t it make more sense to call them deals?
Its too bad more corporations can’t have a good sense of humor like this. The fact that someone actually took the time to read the initial e-mail, and respond (however sarcastic that response may be) gives me an idea that Amazon actually cares about their customers. Great story!
My job is answering high level complaints for a major corporation. Autumn exhibited a level of humor and sarcasm that I, sadly, am not allowed to enjoy, so I am living vicariously through her at this moment. Sadly, I am also very rarely the recipient of such a witty complaint. I will be giggling at work tomorrow thanks to this.
There must be more of this. Not less. MORE! Damn you corporations, if you all start to seem… human… it will be harder for me to hate you!!
I know the wonderful Autumn Walker personally. Her husband linked me to this story this morning and I assure all of you that not only is she a real person but she is just as sparkling, intelligent and funny in person as the letter would leave you to believe. I will tell you she is married and has a lovely baby daughter, so even though I’m sure she’s flattered by the proposals she won’t be able to accept. It’s not unsual for her to respond to funny well-written letters in-kind (it was far more common and acceptable in Amazon’s early days) and I’ve seen several examples of the more enteraining correspondence. I’m just glad some other people get the chance to enjoy it too. Cheers!
HUZZAH!
Well done! I think Autumn deserves a prize!
Marry me Autumn Walker, you saucy minx, you!
And that’s why we buy stuff from Amazon.
You know other than the great service, the low prices (even if i’m gonna whine about the tax) the fast shipping, and the feeling that i am greaaing the palms of good little Seattleites.