Walmart Sanctifies The Toy Aisle With Talking Jesus Action Figures
The Des Moines Register would like you to know that Walmart is test marketing some talking Jesus action figures. The dolls will set you back $14.97.
Will a talking Jesus action figure sell? A Walmart employee speculates: "There are some missing and I don't think someone is going to steal them."
He's wearing a simple tunic with that Kenny Loggins haircut. Push the button on his back and he says this:We consider it a serious omission that Walmart is not also stocking talking golden calves."I am Jesus. I am the son of God."
Jesus and his shelf mates, Mary, David, Noah, Samson, Esther and Moses, make up "Tales of Glory." They were introduced to secular commerce this fall. It's the first time the world's largest retailer has sold a full line of faith-based toys."
Part of the made-in-China line are Barbie-sized dolls that speak verses and tell their stories for $14.97. Smaller nonspeaking figures sell for $6.97.Just push the button. David says he was chosen by God to become a great king and carries a slingshot as a convincer.
Mary looks out with tender eyes beneath a baby blue head scarf. She also says she was chosen by God.
Moses, with big, bushy beard, says he got a message from God at a burning bush.
On the box for Jesus, these words are printed: "God's Son" and "Fully Poseable."
Can't wait for Walmart to sell talking Jesus at a store near you? You can
already purchase Jesus and his merry bunch of holy folk on Target.com.
Jesus doll sanctifies shelves at Wal-Mart [DesMoines Register]
Attention, Walmart shoppers! This ad is for you! Woo hoo!
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Comments:
So... how do you go about recalling Jesus for lead paint?
@Trevor: No no no, put it right next to your singing bass on your faux-wood paneled wall. Or inside your Precious Moments curio cabinet.
I've been looking for a talking Buddha any chance of Walmart carrying it? I Also need a propane fueled burning bush. Look cool in the yard during Chanukah wouldn't it?
Making Jesus in a chinese sweat shop to sell at a %400 markup is the christian thing to do.
Well what do you expect?
An extremely large portion of Evangelicalism is just raping Christ to make a buck.
Christian Book stores,
Those Wal-Mart churches.
All that religion is to me a pyramid scheme. Where recruiting people matters more than improving the lives of your fellow man.
/end rant
The Mormon temple in Salt Lake City (I was raised Mormon, but no longer practice) has a life sized Jesus statue that talks. I found it a little unsettling and could not look Jesus in the eye.
At least that statue told interesting stories.
OMG! I've got to resist buying and hacking one of these!
@Galls: Bingo! Of course Walmart would never carry a talking buddah or mohammed or even a Wiccan pentagram. But hey if its got anything to do with the average mouth breather who belives Christianity is the only real religion..package it up and ship it out baby!
Meg, you win MASSIVE points for including that golden calf line. The only way that could have been better is if you actually called it "Mooby!"
[i]Mary looks out with tender eyes beneath a baby blue head scarf. She also says she was chosen by God.[/i]
To be my Ken doll's bitch!
This reminds me of Marty Feldman as Brother Ambrose in (I think) In God We Tru$t, assembling little Jesus on a cross dolls...think little hammer and tacks.
After this we can expect the talking Muhammad action figure right around - never.
That can't be Jesus - he's white!
As if I needed another reason to be leery of organized religion.
I OWN one!!! My parents (I am 37) actually sent me a cell phone pic of one, I made them buy it for me. They gave it to me last week. I used it as my chip protector at a poker game.
It is cheesy as hell.
I never knew that our lord and savior was so Juiced. The dude is ripped.
"So... how do you go about recalling Jesus for lead paint?"
With a kiss on his cheek and thirty pieces of silver in your pocket.
Yet another white Jesus. At least he doesn't have blonde hair and blue eyes.
So much for that whole "no graven images" commandment, I guess.
Buddy Christ is awesomer.
Don't most kids go through the "my action figures have sex" phase? An enterprising young Christian can just repurpose Barbie as Mary Magdalene.
This is the sort of situation where I hope that fundamentalist Christians will get offended -- as well they should, this is really weird -- and shout at WalMart until they give up on this idea.
There has to be a way to hack the voice chip in these.
There are just waaay too many horribly blasphemous things that could be done to these.
Jesus in a compromising position with a Thor action figure.
The whole doll collection in Rocky Horror drag.
The whole doll collection in B&D gear.
And Christians wonder why they're made fun of. They lap up this garbage which is disrespectful to themselves and their own beliefs.
Is he on www.jesusoftheweek.com yet?
The stigmata kit costs extra.
this is complete bullshit and discriminatory! we all know jesus is a pussy and satan rules the world. i demand a satan doll be made available as well.
let the flame throwing commence ;)
YES!!!
When the batteries get low, Jesus emits a "SSSSSSSAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAANNNNNNN" sound.
This just made me laugh really hard. I'm at work and I've got to resist the urge to bust out laughing. I'm a Christian and I've been around the Christ toys thing my whole life, and it has always struck me as absolutely hilarious and ridiculous. The worst offender is Bibleman. I'm not sure how some people think they can talk to other people about the Bible using an anglo Jesus. *shakes head* Some people (not all of them being Christians either) can't admit he's a Jew huh? I was taught from a very early age the Bible story, which included that Jesus was Jewish by ethnicity.
I dont care if it rains or freezes, long as I got my plastic jesus.
In case you hadn't notices, Walmart stocks lots of bible/christian related books as well and has for a long time. I suppose its to make the average trailer-dweller think its the holy place to shop.
"make the average trailer-dweller think"
I don't see that happening anytime soon.
LMAO at a lot of these comments. Seriously, Christian/Anti-Christian views aside here, this is one of the tackiest things I have ever seen.
This is good so your kid can have their lord for G.I. Joe to fight and Barbie to cheat on Ken with, or whatever.
[Depeche Mode]
Your own, personal, Jesus!
[/Depeche Mode]
How about hacking in better sayings:
"And you think your dad's an asshole?"
"Stop taking my name in vain!"
"Mom trusted the rhythm method and look how well that worked out."
"I kicked those money changers out of my temple and the damn bastards went and bought a TV network."
"Actually, I think Mohommed is a pretty cool guy..."
or, simply:
"Aaaaarrrrgh! Oh god - get me down from this thing. Sweet Jesus - err, sweet ME - get me off this damn thing. Ow. Owww! OWWWW!"
I'm waiting for the Black Jesus. And the Latino Jesus (pronounced... Well, you know).
When the kids inevitably strip down Lil Jesus doll, would it be better for Him to anatomically correct, or a eunich? Seems either one would lead to an uncomfortable parent-child conversation.
Isn't a "Jesus action figure" an oxymoron? I believe when you get right down to it, he was a man of words, not action.
@MissJ:
Same here. In my Sunday school we had a talk about the blue-eyed-blond-haired Jesus thing. No Bibleman for me, unfortunately, but I hear it's (unintentionally) hilarious!
@timmus: Maybe some table-flipping action? Or long walks? Donkey riding? They need to make a Donkey figure with brushable mane!
@Chris Walters: That just cracked me up. Jesus in the Hall of Presidents, or as one of the Pirates of the Caribbean.
My Buddy Christ could kick Kenny Loggins Jesus' ass, and smile while he did it. And by ass, I don't mean the one that he rode into Jerusalem on.
I was hoping it would be Buddy Christ, King of the WF.
He has things to say!
@SVreader: A donkey figure with a brushable mane and voice that sounds suspiciously like Eddie Murphy.
It looks like his hands are about ready to make the "Bring it on!" sign!
/Jesus plays in the NHL?? Who knew?
Saw them at Saturday at Wal- Mart, in fact. It's only a matter of time till we see poor Daniel or Jesus on the bottom of the toybox, or stripped naked and shoved into a rubber-maid box with the other barbie dolls.
Just waiting till they revamp the line to something like "Jesus: with cross carrying action!"
@rmz: I have a Job action figure (the idea of an action figure with boils and sores struck me as more entertaining than a toy Jesus), and the company I bought it from provided Jesus action figures in two colors: "Caucasian" and "African American."
Because apparently Jesus wasn't Middle Eastern, Asians don't get their own Jesus, and black Jesus only saves America.
@CumaeanSibyl: I wonder about the toys having sex too, but sadly what will happen is that the parents will beat their children rather than complaining to Wal-Mart.
My little one has a cuddly stuffed Cthulhu that she calls "kitty".
That's sort of the same thing, right?
That is one righteous 70s-era Kenny Loggins doll.
@bohemian: I am still laughing at the idea of Jesus as Dr Frank-N-Furter, Moses as Riff Raff, David as Brad, Mary as Janet, Samson as Rocky, and Esther as Magenta.
Who would we make Columbia?
They're already being sold at my local Wally World, a few weeks ago. To be honest, even if I were a Christian, they would still creep me out like they do now. Btw, bohemian, Mary Magdaline would be Columbia!!
"I was straight when it all began, now I'm a regula lesbian" sorry flashback to theater Rocky.
OH for Christs sake! I'm sure that's what God wanted, a Chinese made image of himself hocked to trailer livin, Bubba marrying, Camero-on-blocks yokels. Wait...am I the only one who finds humor in the fact that a Christ statue was made in a country that forbids any kind of religion?...I'm gonna buy one and put it on my dashboard