The Des Moines Register would like you to know that Walmart is test marketing some talking Jesus action figures. The dolls will set you back $14.97.
Will a talking Jesus action figure sell? A Walmart employee speculates: “There are some missing and I don’t think someone is going to steal them.”
He’s wearing a simple tunic with that Kenny Loggins haircut. Push the button on his back and he says this:
“I am Jesus. I am the son of God.”
Jesus and his shelf mates, Mary, David, Noah, Samson, Esther and Moses, make up “Tales of Glory.” They were introduced to secular commerce this fall. It’s the first time the world’s largest retailer has sold a full line of faith-based toys.”
We consider it a serious omission that Walmart is not also stocking talking golden calves.
Part of the made-in-China line are Barbie-sized dolls that speak verses and tell their stories for $14.97. Smaller nonspeaking figures sell for $6.97.Just push the button. David says he was chosen by God to become a great king and carries a slingshot as a convincer.
Mary looks out with tender eyes beneath a baby blue head scarf. She also says she was chosen by God.
Moses, with big, bushy beard, says he got a message from God at a burning bush.
On the box for Jesus, these words are printed: “God’s Son” and “Fully Poseable.”
Can’t wait for Walmart to sell talking Jesus at a store near you? You can
already purchase Jesus and his merry bunch of holy folk on Target.com.
Jesus doll sanctifies shelves at Wal-Mart [DesMoines Register]
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how about a pregnant mary magdelene? aka the holy grail? hahahaha
@Chicago7: At Notre Dame there’s a portrait of Jesus on the side of the library…visible through the uprights on the football field…he’s called Touchdown Jesus.
[trojanwire.com]
I am so sorry! You are correct!
@mbrutsch:
Action figure? Wasn’t Jesus a pacifist? Didn’t he say “turn the other cheek”? And do we think anyone will be converted to christianity by a toy?
This is just another example of how rediculous things have become. What would Jesus drive? An ass!!!
Nice to see some good old fashioned christian hatred.
Thanks for furthering my hypothesis that many consumerist readers think this is ‘the communist’ and not ‘the consumerist’.
@fejjnagaf: If I might direct you to JamesDenver’s quote above:
And Christians wonder why they’re made fun of. They lap up this garbage which is disrespectful to themselves and their own beliefs.
We’re into fairness and equal treatment here, so don’t expect us to give Christians a pass when they do something ludicrous, hon.
I have a Jesus action figure that my husband and I bought as a souvenir on our honeymoon. For some reason, he has little glider wheels on his base, so you can roll him around. He lives on a shelf with some other assorted figures: Malcolm X, Bubba Ho-Tep, Machine-Gun-Legged Rose MacGowan from Planet Terror, Shaun from Shaun of the Dead, etc. These talking figures would fit in perfectly, and would make an awesome gag gift for any of our fellow heathen friends. Also, that Wal-Mart employee who thinks nobody would steal those figures is UNBELIEVEABLY naive. Nobody would steal an item that combines the shameful-to-buy factor with the ironic-to-steal factor? Those things are going to shrink by the case.
@CumaeanSibyl:
Awesome.
Thanks for the ultimate condescention with the use of the foul word ‘hun’.
I am neither a 4th or 5th century eurasion, nor am I remotely close enough for you to call me ‘hun’.
Let’s reverse it, okay sugar? How does that feel to you, sweetheart? Any questions doll? maybe I could call you sugar tush?
How about darling? Or baby? Would you like that?
I just figured since we were assigning each other pet names, I’d make sure to show you the courtesy of allowing you to pick yours.
how do you know ‘christians’ did this? Is it not possible that a, i don’t know, buddhist owns the company that makes this product? Did it ever occur to you that maybe some christians might be interested in a product like this? The last time I was shopping for toys for my niece, all I could find was dolls that were supposed to be pre-teens that were dressed as $10 vegas whores. Frankly, if the choice is a ‘brat’ whore doll or a plastic jesus that says things like “I am the lord”, I’m sure some would choose the jesus doll.
I agree it is blasphemous, but the anti-christian venom spewed around here is repulsive. If you can’t see the hateful anti-christian sentiment on this thread, then you must be blind. Or an atheist.
I’m not christian, but I sure would find myself alienated and persecuted by the rude, obnoxious, disrespectful speech being directed towards christianity.
They sell these at the Gainesville, Texas Wal-Mart. I didn’t know my uber-conservative podunk town could get much worse. But oh, did it.
I’m holding out for the JesusCycle…complete with Evil Knievel jumpsuit.
Can it walk on water?
@fejjnagaf: You rock.
I think they might recommend it on this site also
http://www.landoverbaptist.org
HA HA HA HA HA HA!! My sides are splitting.
Can I get an unleaded Jesus please?
I thought the love of Jesus was free?
I can’t wait to see these on clearance, under the “Your savior, on sale” section. I wonder when they’ll start selling Gandhi “Affirmative-Action Figures.”
@ THEBLACKDOG
Who would we make Columbia? Judas?
@ DIGITAMER81 AT 05:08 PM
“I was straight when it all began, now I’m a regula lesbian”
Eghad. I have that song stuck in my head now..
I’m waiting for the Mohammed figure.
I mean…
I’m waiting for the Mohammed version.
As a Christian, I don’t feel the need to protect or defend the name of Jesus from you. He can do that all by Himself without my feeble attempts.
All He wants is to know you, love you, and be loved back.
As for the doll, I believe Jesus would rather us learn about Him from the Bible.
@Ace316: he’s doing a pretty crappy job of it, I think he needs your help.
Perhaps the holy rollers will just kill themselves off with their lead paint jesuses. Darwinism at work. Oh my bad, no science allowed. It’s just god’s divine plan.
I hope for a hollow Jesus, that you can fill with wine. That way, you can shake him ferociously, then drink the “blood” from his stigmata. But respectfully.
The missing ones should turn up in 3 days or so.
I can’t believe no, “your own, personal, jesus” comments yet “someone to hold your hand, someone to care”
@yg17: I’m not sure which annoys me more…the religious nuts or the anti-religious nuts.
A little less mindless hate and a little more corny jokes, please!
Remember how there was a collection of He-Man figures that had a rotating piece in their chest that showed “damage” when you hit it? You could totally use this technological advancement in an upcoming “Jesus and Pontius Pilate Flogging Playset.” This is a learning tool for both the Bible and counting: Can you count to 39?
@fejjnagaf: just to poke my nose in where it need not be, does ‘christian hatred’ really equate to communism? perhaps your hypothesis is flawed.
I have only been in WalMart once before, and that
was because it was the only store for miles off
Interstate I5. Tonight will by second time. I have
to have one or two.
-heading for the home of spandex
@remedies:
Short answer, yes. Communism is categorically anti-christian…
From an interesting essay on the subject of communism and religion:
“Consider Communism as a system in contrast to Christianity. The one — Christianity — gives credit to a beneficent Creator as the giver of life; and gives direction of life, defines acceptable conduct; and looks into the future beyond life on earth; whereas the other — Communism — is atheistic and accounts for life and the meaning of life according to materialism and evolutionary processes. International Communism is opposed to all religious expression. V. I. Lenin, the celebrated prophet of Communism, said, “Religion is the opium of the people. Religion is a kind of spiritual intoxicant, in which the slaves of capital drown their humanity and their desires for some sort of decent human existence.”2 In 1920, Lenin formulated the Bolshevik golden rule. He said, “Whatever helps the world Communist revolution is good; whatever hinders it is bad. Religion, through its insistence upon individual responsibility to the Creator of all things, interferes with the advance of world collectivism. It is, therefore, irredeemably evil.”"
The interesting thing about this is how far removed our young minds are from the actual concept.
And these concepts are exactly prevelant in this thread and in the modern progressive movement.
Note the interesting parallel between the communist idea of individualism being bad and what Shrillary says about individualism:
“[On the health care reform.] We just can’t trust the American people to make those types of choices… Government has to make those choices for people. “
“Many of you are well enough off that … the tax cuts may have helped you … We’re saying that for America to get back on track, we’re probably going to cut that short and not give it to you. We’re going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good. “
“We must stop thinking of the individual and start thinking about what is best for society. “
Ironically in diametric opposition to another famous quote from the shrillster:
“Being pro-choice is trusting the individual to make the right decision for herself and her family, and not entrusting that decision to anyone wearing the authority of government in any regard. “
Which is it? We trust the individual with the ability to make their own choices, just not about healthcare unless it applies to abortions?
Sorry – off topic. I know. Sorry.
Can’t wait to have him go up against my Dart Vader action figure… good times!
@fejjnagaf: I prefer “sex-bomb” if we’re going to be doing pet names, darlin. “Sugar-tits” is also acceptable.
And yes, I’m condescending to you. You’re being ridiculous. Do I have to take you seriously when you’re bitching about people making fun of an action figure, babydoll?
I *totally* want a “Bad Girls of the Bible” action figure SET! Just imagine, Delilah, Jezebel–think of all the hair and make-up possibilities! And, of course, Judith, complete with sword to hack off Holofernes’ head. I’d love to teach little girls all over that “Bad Girls of the Bible” kick ass!
@CumaeanSibyl:
I have to tell you, I avoid people like you without exception like the plague.
You are condescending, quick to judge, refuse to consider anyone elses opinion, and generally prickish.
Have a wonderful life being a bitch to everyone you happen to disagree with.
With that sort of attitude, I find it more likely that you will end up living alone with 100 cats or have already managed to snare a husband by lying about being pregnant.
Oh wait – I’m guessing you don’t like it when I make assumptions about you.
Here’s a clue for you – I wasn’t ‘bitching’ about people making fun of an ‘action figure’ you snot!
I was getting upset at the amount of anti-christian sentiment being spouted here over a harmless (we hope) action figure.
Frankly, I don’t have a problem with how or if a person worships. I do have a problem when people start making fun of how or if other people worship.
So yeah, lumpy ass, I am not impressed with either your attitude or your condescention.
It reeks of bitchy, elitist, hypocrisy.
A funny, snarky comment is perfectly acceptable, but when posters say things like:
“Perhaps the holy rollers will kill themselves off with their lead paint jesuses.”
“When the kids stip down lil jesus doll, would it be better for Him to anatomically correct, or a eunich?”
“we all know jesus is a pussy”
“Jesus in a compromising position with a Thor action figure”
“But hey if its got anything to do with the average mouth breather who believes christianity is the only real religion…”
“All that religion is to me a pyramid scheme. Where recruiting people matters more than improving the lives of your fellow man.”
Those statements aren’t anti-christian at all, right?
Grow up.
I’m done with you, which is probably what you heard right after your last ‘experience’.
@fejjnagaf: Half the statements you quoted could be construed as anti-Christian. Half are making fun of the existence of a Jesus action figure. If you’re going to get irate about folks disrespecting Christians, you should be more careful about picking evidence that actually supports your position.
You’re done with me? Done flinging sophomoric insults at me, the way I never did with you? I’m glad, you know — all this anger can’t be good for your spleen. You were the one who decided it had to be personal, muffinpants. I just think you’re being silly.
Remember: the internet is serious business!
@fejjnagaf:
@CumaeanSibyl:
WWJD? He’d say “Love thy neighbor, or at least take thy flamewar elsewhere.”
Vitriolic internet flamewars make the Baby Jesus cry.
Funny thing w/ the Communism vs Christianity thing. Both are WONDERFUL theories, utopian in their outcome and irrationally preached by their followers. Both end up hopelessly, criminally flawed when applied to the real world. Both are responsible for millions (well, billions for Christianity) of deaths. Both are used by evil monsters that wrap themselves in the shroud of ideological rationalization. Both are used as tools to immorally amass obscene wealth or power. But only one has a preponderance of perverse, covert sexual paraphilias and child abusers (hint: say what you will about Lenin, but at least his nieces and nephews had nothing to fear when they sat on his lap).
So, Christian High Horse Person, I wouldn’t adopt too much a high-and-mighty tone in regard to The Great Leap Forward.
(and note the non-Christian Fundie types can manage to communicate their ideas without copying/pasting from others? Reflect on that, okay?)
@joeblevins: He WAS a perfect man! But what I want to know is what happened to “you received free, give free”? I’m sure if Jesus was on the earth today he would take care of business with all these blasphemers. And I don’t mean signing a contract. That’s ok, they can make their money now, he’ll take care of them soon enough . . .
Does the doll scream when you pin it onto popsicle sticks?