Walmart Sanctifies The Toy Aisle With Talking Jesus Action Figures

The Des Moines Register would like you to know that Walmart is test marketing some talking Jesus action figures. The dolls will set you back $14.97.

Will a talking Jesus action figure sell? A Walmart employee speculates: “There are some missing and I don’t think someone is going to steal them.”

He’s wearing a simple tunic with that Kenny Loggins haircut. Push the button on his back and he says this:

“I am Jesus. I am the son of God.”

Jesus and his shelf mates, Mary, David, Noah, Samson, Esther and Moses, make up “Tales of Glory.” They were introduced to secular commerce this fall. It’s the first time the world’s largest retailer has sold a full line of faith-based toys.”

We consider it a serious omission that Walmart is not also stocking talking golden calves.

Part of the made-in-China line are Barbie-sized dolls that speak verses and tell their stories for $14.97. Smaller nonspeaking figures sell for $6.97.

Just push the button. David says he was chosen by God to become a great king and carries a slingshot as a convincer.

Mary looks out with tender eyes beneath a baby blue head scarf. She also says she was chosen by God.

Moses, with big, bushy beard, says he got a message from God at a burning bush.

On the box for Jesus, these words are printed: “God’s Son” and “Fully Poseable.”

Can’t wait for Walmart to sell talking Jesus at a store near you? You can
already purchase Jesus and his merry bunch of holy folk on Target.com.

Jesus doll sanctifies shelves at Wal-Mart [DesMoines Register]

Comments

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  1. Trevor says:

    OH for Christs sake! I’m sure that’s what God wanted, a Chinese made image of himself hocked to trailer livin, Bubba marrying, Camero-on-blocks yokels. Wait…am I the only one who finds humor in the fact that a Christ statue was made in a country that forbids any kind of religion?…I’m gonna buy one and put it on my dashboard

  2. SaveMeJeebus says:

    So… how do you go about recalling Jesus for lead paint?

  3. SaveMeJeebus says:

    @Trevor: No no no, put it right next to your singing bass on your faux-wood paneled wall. Or inside your Precious Moments curio cabinet.

  4. headon says:

    I’ve been looking for a talking Buddha any chance of Walmart carrying it? I Also need a propane fueled burning bush. Look cool in the yard during Chanukah wouldn’t it?

  5. Galls says:

    Making Jesus in a chinese sweat shop to sell at a %400 markup is the christian thing to do.

    Well what do you expect?

    An extremely large portion of Evangelicalism is just raping Christ to make a buck.

    Christian Book stores,
    Those Wal-Mart churches.

    All that religion is to me a pyramid scheme. Where recruiting people matters more than improving the lives of your fellow man.

    /end rant

  6. emona says:

    The Mormon temple in Salt Lake City (I was raised Mormon, but no longer practice) has a life sized Jesus statue that talks. I found it a little unsettling and could not look Jesus in the eye.

    At least that statue told interesting stories.

  7. mantari says:

    OMG! I’ve got to resist buying and hacking one of these!

  8. Nemesis_Enforcer says:

    @Galls: Bingo! Of course Walmart would never carry a talking buddah or mohammed or even a Wiccan pentagram. But hey if its got anything to do with the average mouth breather who belives Christianity is the only real religion..package it up and ship it out baby!

  9. Meg, you win MASSIVE points for including that golden calf line. The only way that could have been better is if you actually called it “Mooby!”

  10. gorckat says:

    [i]Mary looks out with tender eyes beneath a baby blue head scarf. She also says she was chosen by God.[/i]

    To be my Ken doll’s bitch!

  11. @quarterly: Wow—the Mormons Imagineered Jesus!

  12. BoC says:

    This reminds me of Marty Feldman as Brother Ambrose in (I think) In God We Tru$t, assembling little Jesus on a cross dolls…think little hammer and tacks.

  13. faust1200 says:

    After this we can expect the talking Muhammad action figure right around – never.

  14. alk509 says:

    That can’t be Jesus – he’s white!

  15. faust1200 says:

    As if I needed another reason to be leery of organized religion.

  16. joeblevins says:

    I OWN one!!! My parents (I am 37) actually sent me a cell phone pic of one, I made them buy it for me. They gave it to me last week. I used it as my chip protector at a poker game.

    It is cheesy as hell.

    I never knew that our lord and savior was so Juiced. The dude is ripped.

  17. mookiemookie says:

    “So… how do you go about recalling Jesus for lead paint?”

    With a kiss on his cheek and thirty pieces of silver in your pocket.

  18. rmz says:

    Yet another white Jesus. At least he doesn’t have blonde hair and blue eyes.

  19. Consumerist Moderator - ACAMBRAS says:

    So much for that whole “no graven images” commandment, I guess.

  20. SVreader says:

    Buddy Christ is awesomer.

  21. CumaeanSibyl says:

    Don’t most kids go through the “my action figures have sex” phase? An enterprising young Christian can just repurpose Barbie as Mary Magdalene.

    This is the sort of situation where I hope that fundamentalist Christians will get offended — as well they should, this is really weird — and shout at WalMart until they give up on this idea.

  22. bohemian says:

    There has to be a way to hack the voice chip in these.

    There are just waaay too many horribly blasphemous things that could be done to these.

    Jesus in a compromising position with a Thor action figure.

    The whole doll collection in Rocky Horror drag.
    The whole doll collection in B&D gear.

  23. jamesdenver says:

    And Christians wonder why they’re made fun of. They lap up this garbage which is disrespectful to themselves and their own beliefs.

    Is he on http://www.jesusoftheweek.com yet?

  24. RandomHookup says:

    The stigmata kit costs extra.

  25. royal72 says:

    this is complete bullshit and discriminatory! we all know jesus is a pussy and satan rules the world. i demand a satan doll be made available as well.

    let the flame throwing commence ;)

  26. warf0x0r says:

    YES!!!

  27. LetMeGetTheManager says:

    When the batteries get low, Jesus emits a “SSSSSSSAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAANNNNNNN” sound.

  28. UpsetPanda says:

    This just made me laugh really hard. I’m at work and I’ve got to resist the urge to bust out laughing. I’m a Christian and I’ve been around the Christ toys thing my whole life, and it has always struck me as absolutely hilarious and ridiculous. The worst offender is Bibleman. I’m not sure how some people think they can talk to other people about the Bible using an anglo Jesus. *shakes head* Some people (not all of them being Christians either) can’t admit he’s a Jew huh? I was taught from a very early age the Bible story, which included that Jesus was Jewish by ethnicity.

  29. SoCalGNX says:

    I dont care if it rains or freezes, long as I got my plastic jesus.

    In case you hadn’t notices, Walmart stocks lots of bible/christian related books as well and has for a long time. I suppose its to make the average trailer-dweller think its the holy place to shop.

  30. mbrutsch says:

    “make the average trailer-dweller think”

    I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

  31. supra606 says:

    LMAO at a lot of these comments. Seriously, Christian/Anti-Christian views aside here, this is one of the tackiest things I have ever seen.

  32. Anonymous says:

    This is good so your kid can have their lord for G.I. Joe to fight and Barbie to cheat on Ken with, or whatever.

  33. Jaysyn was banned for: http://consumerist.com/5032912/the-subprime-meltdown-will-be-nothing-compared-to-the-prime-meltdown#c7042646 says:

    [Depeche Mode]

    Your own, personal, Jesus!

    [/Depeche Mode]

  34. Trai_Dep says:

    How about hacking in better sayings:

    “And you think your dad’s an asshole?”

    “Stop taking my name in vain!”

    “Mom trusted the rhythm method and look how well that worked out.”

    “I kicked those money changers out of my temple and the damn bastards went and bought a TV network.”

    “Actually, I think Mohommed is a pretty cool guy…”

    or, simply:

    “Aaaaarrrrgh! Oh god – get me down from this thing. Sweet Jesus – err, sweet ME – get me off this damn thing. Ow. Owww! OWWWW!”

  35. Trai_Dep says:

    I’m waiting for the Black Jesus. And the Latino Jesus (pronounced… Well, you know).

    When the kids inevitably strip down Lil Jesus doll, would it be better for Him to anatomically correct, or a eunich? Seems either one would lead to an uncomfortable parent-child conversation.

  36. timmus says:

    Isn’t a “Jesus action figure” an oxymoron? I believe when you get right down to it, he was a man of words, not action.

  37. SVreader says:

    @MissJ:

    Same here. In my Sunday school we had a talk about the blue-eyed-blond-haired Jesus thing. No Bibleman for me, unfortunately, but I hear it’s (unintentionally) hilarious!

  38. SVreader says:

    @timmus: Maybe some table-flipping action? Or long walks? Donkey riding? They need to make a Donkey figure with brushable mane!

  39. monkey33 says:

    @Chris Walters: That just cracked me up. Jesus in the Hall of Presidents, or as one of the Pirates of the Caribbean.

  40. King of the Wild Frontier says:

    My Buddy Christ could kick Kenny Loggins Jesus’ ass, and smile while he did it. And by ass, I don’t mean the one that he rode into Jerusalem on.

  41. Chicago7 says:

    I was hoping it would be Buddy Christ, King of the WF.

    He has things to say!

  42. MeOhMy says:

    @SVreader: A donkey figure with a brushable mane and voice that sounds suspiciously like Eddie Murphy.

  43. Chicago7 says:

    It looks like his hands are about ready to make the “Bring it on!” sign!

    /Jesus plays in the NHL?? Who knew?

  44. Lmbst says:

    Saw them at Saturday at Wal- Mart, in fact. It’s only a matter of time till we see poor Daniel or Jesus on the bottom of the toybox, or stripped naked and shoved into a rubber-maid box with the other barbie dolls.

    Just waiting till they revamp the line to something like “Jesus: with cross carrying action!”

  45. @SoCalGNX: One of my favorite songs! Hooray!

  46. @rmz: I have a Job action figure (the idea of an action figure with boils and sores struck me as more entertaining than a toy Jesus), and the company I bought it from provided Jesus action figures in two colors: “Caucasian” and “African American.”

    Because apparently Jesus wasn’t Middle Eastern, Asians don’t get their own Jesus, and black Jesus only saves America.

    @CumaeanSibyl: I wonder about the toys having sex too, but sadly what will happen is that the parents will beat their children rather than complaining to Wal-Mart.

  47. marsneedsrabbits says:

    My little one has a cuddly stuffed Cthulhu that she calls “kitty”.
    That’s sort of the same thing, right?

  48. savvy9999 says:

    That is one righteous 70s-era Kenny Loggins doll.

  49. theblackdog says:

    @bohemian: I am still laughing at the idea of Jesus as Dr Frank-N-Furter, Moses as Riff Raff, David as Brad, Mary as Janet, Samson as Rocky, and Esther as Magenta.

    Who would we make Columbia?

  50. Digitamer81 says:

    They’re already being sold at my local Wally World, a few weeks ago. To be honest, even if I were a Christian, they would still creep me out like they do now. Btw, bohemian, Mary Magdaline would be Columbia!!

    “I was straight when it all began, now I’m a regula lesbian” sorry flashback to theater Rocky.

    RagingServer.com

  51. grrrarrrg says:

    how about a pregnant mary magdelene? aka the holy grail? hahahaha

  52. legotech says:

    @Chicago7: At Notre Dame there’s a portrait of Jesus on the side of the library…visible through the uprights on the football field…he’s called Touchdown Jesus.

    [trojanwire.com]

  53. SoCalGNX says:

    I am so sorry! You are correct!

    @mbrutsch:

  54. endicottroad says:

    Action figure? Wasn’t Jesus a pacifist? Didn’t he say “turn the other cheek”? And do we think anyone will be converted to christianity by a toy?
    This is just another example of how rediculous things have become. What would Jesus drive? An ass!!!

  55. Anonymous says:

    Nice to see some good old fashioned christian hatred.
    Thanks for furthering my hypothesis that many consumerist readers think this is ‘the communist’ and not ‘the consumerist’.

  56. CumaeanSibyl says:

    @fejjnagaf: If I might direct you to JamesDenver’s quote above:

    And Christians wonder why they’re made fun of. They lap up this garbage which is disrespectful to themselves and their own beliefs.

    We’re into fairness and equal treatment here, so don’t expect us to give Christians a pass when they do something ludicrous, hon.

  57. texasannie says:

    I have a Jesus action figure that my husband and I bought as a souvenir on our honeymoon. For some reason, he has little glider wheels on his base, so you can roll him around. He lives on a shelf with some other assorted figures: Malcolm X, Bubba Ho-Tep, Machine-Gun-Legged Rose MacGowan from Planet Terror, Shaun from Shaun of the Dead, etc. These talking figures would fit in perfectly, and would make an awesome gag gift for any of our fellow heathen friends. Also, that Wal-Mart employee who thinks nobody would steal those figures is UNBELIEVEABLY naive. Nobody would steal an item that combines the shameful-to-buy factor with the ironic-to-steal factor? Those things are going to shrink by the case.

  58. Anonymous says:

    @CumaeanSibyl:
    Awesome.
    Thanks for the ultimate condescention with the use of the foul word ‘hun’.
    I am neither a 4th or 5th century eurasion, nor am I remotely close enough for you to call me ‘hun’.
    Let’s reverse it, okay sugar? How does that feel to you, sweetheart? Any questions doll? maybe I could call you sugar tush?
    How about darling? Or baby? Would you like that?
    I just figured since we were assigning each other pet names, I’d make sure to show you the courtesy of allowing you to pick yours.
    how do you know ‘christians’ did this? Is it not possible that a, i don’t know, buddhist owns the company that makes this product? Did it ever occur to you that maybe some christians might be interested in a product like this? The last time I was shopping for toys for my niece, all I could find was dolls that were supposed to be pre-teens that were dressed as $10 vegas whores. Frankly, if the choice is a ‘brat’ whore doll or a plastic jesus that says things like “I am the lord”, I’m sure some would choose the jesus doll.
    I agree it is blasphemous, but the anti-christian venom spewed around here is repulsive. If you can’t see the hateful anti-christian sentiment on this thread, then you must be blind. Or an atheist.
    I’m not christian, but I sure would find myself alienated and persecuted by the rude, obnoxious, disrespectful speech being directed towards christianity.

  59. Leofan7 says:

    They sell these at the Gainesville, Texas Wal-Mart. I didn’t know my uber-conservative podunk town could get much worse. But oh, did it.

  60. Smashville says:

    I’m holding out for the JesusCycle…complete with Evil Knievel jumpsuit.

  61. frogpelt says:

    Can it walk on water?

  62. UpsetPanda says:

    @fejjnagaf: You rock.

  63. SoCalGNX says:

    I think they might recommend it on this site also

    http://www.landoverbaptist.org

  64. boxjockey68 says:

    HA HA HA HA HA HA!! My sides are splitting.
    Can I get an unleaded Jesus please?

  65. morganlh85 says:

    I thought the love of Jesus was free?

  66. Chris says:

    I can’t wait to see these on clearance, under the “Your savior, on sale” section. I wonder when they’ll start selling Gandhi “Affirmative-Action Figures.”

  67. bohemian says:

    @ THEBLACKDOG
    Who would we make Columbia? Judas?

    @ DIGITAMER81 AT 05:08 PM
    “I was straight when it all began, now I’m a regula lesbian”

    Eghad. I have that song stuck in my head now..

  68. Mr. Gunn says:

    I’m waiting for the Mohammed figure.

  69. Mr. Gunn says:

    I mean…

    I’m waiting for the Mohammed version.

  70. Anonymous says:

    As a Christian, I don’t feel the need to protect or defend the name of Jesus from you. He can do that all by Himself without my feeble attempts.

    All He wants is to know you, love you, and be loved back.

    As for the doll, I believe Jesus would rather us learn about Him from the Bible.

  71. yg17 says:

    @Ace316: he’s doing a pretty crappy job of it, I think he needs your help.

    Perhaps the holy rollers will just kill themselves off with their lead paint jesuses. Darwinism at work. Oh my bad, no science allowed. It’s just god’s divine plan.

  72. Trai_Dep says:

    I hope for a hollow Jesus, that you can fill with wine. That way, you can shake him ferociously, then drink the “blood” from his stigmata. But respectfully.

  73. jetmore says:

    The missing ones should turn up in 3 days or so.

  74. jeanrw says:

    I can’t believe no, “your own, personal, jesus” comments yet “someone to hold your hand, someone to care”

  75. MeOhMy says:

    @yg17: I’m not sure which annoys me more…the religious nuts or the anti-religious nuts.

    A little less mindless hate and a little more corny jokes, please!

    Remember how there was a collection of He-Man figures that had a rotating piece in their chest that showed “damage” when you hit it? You could totally use this technological advancement in an upcoming “Jesus and Pontius Pilate Flogging Playset.” This is a learning tool for both the Bible and counting: Can you count to 39?

  76. remedies says:

    @fejjnagaf: just to poke my nose in where it need not be, does ‘christian hatred’ really equate to communism? perhaps your hypothesis is flawed.

  77. PeteInPDX says:

    I have only been in WalMart once before, and that
    was because it was the only store for miles off
    Interstate I5. Tonight will by second time. I have
    to have one or two.

    -heading for the home of spandex

  78. fejjnagaf says:

    @remedies:
    Short answer, yes. Communism is categorically anti-christian…
    From an interesting essay on the subject of communism and religion:
    “Consider Communism as a system in contrast to Christianity. The one — Christianity — gives credit to a beneficent Creator as the giver of life; and gives direction of life, defines acceptable conduct; and looks into the future beyond life on earth; whereas the other — Communism — is atheistic and accounts for life and the meaning of life according to materialism and evolutionary processes. International Communism is opposed to all religious expression. V. I. Lenin, the celebrated prophet of Communism, said, “Religion is the opium of the people. Religion is a kind of spiritual intoxicant, in which the slaves of capital drown their humanity and their desires for some sort of decent human existence.”2 In 1920, Lenin formulated the Bolshevik golden rule. He said, “Whatever helps the world Communist revolution is good; whatever hinders it is bad. Religion, through its insistence upon individual responsibility to the Creator of all things, interferes with the advance of world collectivism. It is, therefore, irredeemably evil.””
    The interesting thing about this is how far removed our young minds are from the actual concept.
    And these concepts are exactly prevelant in this thread and in the modern progressive movement.
    Note the interesting parallel between the communist idea of individualism being bad and what Shrillary says about individualism:
    “[On the health care reform.] We just can’t trust the American people to make those types of choices… Government has to make those choices for people. “
    “Many of you are well enough off that … the tax cuts may have helped you … We’re saying that for America to get back on track, we’re probably going to cut that short and not give it to you. We’re going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good. “
    “We must stop thinking of the individual and start thinking about what is best for society. “
    Ironically in diametric opposition to another famous quote from the shrillster:
    “Being pro-choice is trusting the individual to make the right decision for herself and her family, and not entrusting that decision to anyone wearing the authority of government in any regard. “
    Which is it? We trust the individual with the ability to make their own choices, just not about healthcare unless it applies to abortions?
    Sorry – off topic. I know. Sorry.

  79. silvanx says:

    Can’t wait to have him go up against my Dart Vader action figure… good times!

  80. CumaeanSibyl says:

    @fejjnagaf: I prefer “sex-bomb” if we’re going to be doing pet names, darlin. “Sugar-tits” is also acceptable.

    And yes, I’m condescending to you. You’re being ridiculous. Do I have to take you seriously when you’re bitching about people making fun of an action figure, babydoll?

  81. shaindelr says:

    I *totally* want a “Bad Girls of the Bible” action figure SET! Just imagine, Delilah, Jezebel–think of all the hair and make-up possibilities! And, of course, Judith, complete with sword to hack off Holofernes’ head. I’d love to teach little girls all over that “Bad Girls of the Bible” kick ass!

  82. fejjnagaf says:

    @CumaeanSibyl:
    I have to tell you, I avoid people like you without exception like the plague.
    You are condescending, quick to judge, refuse to consider anyone elses opinion, and generally prickish.
    Have a wonderful life being a bitch to everyone you happen to disagree with.
    With that sort of attitude, I find it more likely that you will end up living alone with 100 cats or have already managed to snare a husband by lying about being pregnant.
    Oh wait – I’m guessing you don’t like it when I make assumptions about you.
    Here’s a clue for you – I wasn’t ‘bitching’ about people making fun of an ‘action figure’ you snot!
    I was getting upset at the amount of anti-christian sentiment being spouted here over a harmless (we hope) action figure.
    Frankly, I don’t have a problem with how or if a person worships. I do have a problem when people start making fun of how or if other people worship.
    So yeah, lumpy ass, I am not impressed with either your attitude or your condescention.
    It reeks of bitchy, elitist, hypocrisy.
    A funny, snarky comment is perfectly acceptable, but when posters say things like:
    “Perhaps the holy rollers will kill themselves off with their lead paint jesuses.”
    “When the kids stip down lil jesus doll, would it be better for Him to anatomically correct, or a eunich?”
    “we all know jesus is a pussy”
    “Jesus in a compromising position with a Thor action figure”
    “But hey if its got anything to do with the average mouth breather who believes christianity is the only real religion…”
    “All that religion is to me a pyramid scheme. Where recruiting people matters more than improving the lives of your fellow man.”
    Those statements aren’t anti-christian at all, right?
    Grow up.
    I’m done with you, which is probably what you heard right after your last ‘experience’.

  83. CumaeanSibyl says:

    @fejjnagaf: Half the statements you quoted could be construed as anti-Christian. Half are making fun of the existence of a Jesus action figure. If you’re going to get irate about folks disrespecting Christians, you should be more careful about picking evidence that actually supports your position.

    You’re done with me? Done flinging sophomoric insults at me, the way I never did with you? I’m glad, you know — all this anger can’t be good for your spleen. You were the one who decided it had to be personal, muffinpants. I just think you’re being silly.

    Remember: the internet is serious business!

  84. Consumerist Moderator - ACAMBRAS says:

    @fejjnagaf:
    @CumaeanSibyl:

    WWJD? He’d say “Love thy neighbor, or at least take thy flamewar elsewhere.”

    Vitriolic internet flamewars make the Baby Jesus cry.

  85. Trai_Dep says:

    Funny thing w/ the Communism vs Christianity thing. Both are WONDERFUL theories, utopian in their outcome and irrationally preached by their followers. Both end up hopelessly, criminally flawed when applied to the real world. Both are responsible for millions (well, billions for Christianity) of deaths. Both are used by evil monsters that wrap themselves in the shroud of ideological rationalization. Both are used as tools to immorally amass obscene wealth or power. But only one has a preponderance of perverse, covert sexual paraphilias and child abusers (hint: say what you will about Lenin, but at least his nieces and nephews had nothing to fear when they sat on his lap).

    So, Christian High Horse Person, I wouldn’t adopt too much a high-and-mighty tone in regard to The Great Leap Forward.

    (and note the non-Christian Fundie types can manage to communicate their ideas without copying/pasting from others? Reflect on that, okay?)

  86. the_mdg says:

    @joeblevins: He WAS a perfect man! But what I want to know is what happened to “you received free, give free”? I’m sure if Jesus was on the earth today he would take care of business with all these blasphemers. And I don’t mean signing a contract. That’s ok, they can make their money now, he’ll take care of them soon enough . . .

  87. biggeek says:

    Does the doll scream when you pin it onto popsicle sticks?