UPDATE: Verizon And Helio Are The Coolest Cellphone Company!

According to Google, Verizon is the coolest cellphone company. When you query “____ is cool,” filling in the name of different providers, Verizon is tits. Here’s how many results were returned for each company:

Alltel: 1
T-Mobile: 4
AT&T: 5
Sprint: 7
***WINNER*** ~ Verizon: 8 ~***IS COOL***
UPDATE: Oh yeah, and Helio. They got 8 too! It’s a tie!

We propose that henceforth, all companies interested in gauging their market penetration should subject themselves to the “is cool” test.

By way of comparison, “Apple is cool” returns 11,700 results, beating “Jesus is cool” at 10,700. Ergo, Apple is cooler than Jesus. But Apple is not cooler than cats. Cats win, at 20,200. We, however, are not cool at all. “Consumerist.com is cool” did not match any documents.

(Photo: Maulleigh)

Comments

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  1. str1cken says:

    google search for “consumerist is cool” returns:

    “Did you mean: “consumerism is cool”?”

    No. No I didn’t.

  2. Sathallrin says:

    “Cingular is cool” : 2,180 Results
    And they went with the AT&T Name…

  3. Meg Marco says:

    I demand a recount.

  4. homerjay says:

    This is what you do with your time, huh? :)

  5. skittlbrau says:

    “Verizon is tits”

    a bit of a non sequitur ben.

  6. Sathallrin says:

    Nextel ties with sprint at 7

  7. Ben Popken says:

    @baa: It’s a colloquial phrase expression. Synonym: “tops.”

  8. bambino says:

    @baa: More of a wannabe UK colloquialism, really.

  9. Actually, now it returns exactly 1 result: this article.
    Which means you’re only 3 behind “Armpit hair.”

  10. Will Clarke says:

    This article has been indexed now, increasing Apple, Jesus, and consumerist.com by 1.

    I think you guys are cool…

  11. OnceWasCool says:

    So Verizon is best due to Google?
    hmmmm

    “Cool is cool” 13,100
    “Ice is cool” 914
    “Global Warming is cool” 11,900
    “Death is cool” 53,000

  12. B says:

    @meghannmarco: Consumerist.com is cool now returns 1 result. Happy?

  13. blue_duck says:

    I’ve been thinking about switching to Verizon. Sprint is much too expensive for me.

  14. liquisoft says:

    3,300 for “saddam is cool.”

    Maybe we shouldn’t have bombed him after all.

  15. urban_ninjya says:

    @baa: LOL.. I’ve only seen that expression used in Prison dramas.

  16. blue_duck says:

    1,810,000 for “pelicans are cool.”

  17. TPIRman says:

    This is fun! Even tiny U.S. Cellular manages to eke out lame Alltel with 2 — although they’re both from the same site, so let’s call it a draw.

    @Sathallrin: I only get 13 results for “cingular is cool” (including your comment as the first result). Still, that makes Cingular the big winner in this rodeo.

  18. mandarin says:

    Verizon sucks balls

  19. mandarin says:

    lol 16,000 hits for Verizon Sucks.

  20. surgesilk says:

    For Google results on best and worst presidential candidate ‘best presidential candidate’ ‘worst…you get the idea’
    [onlinesaleschannels.wordpress.com]

  21. Baz says:

    So Alltel was a Google-whack? That’s pretty cool in and of itself!

  22. bboehm says:

    1,020,000 for AT&T sucks.

  23. bboehm says:

    But ok, to be fair…. 22,500 for “at&t sucks”.
    31,000 for “sprint sucks”

    Verizon still wins among the big guys.

  24. thymaster says:

    “helio is cool” gets 9 results :D I love my Ocean.

  25. ikes says:

    “i am cool” returns around 356,000 results. clearly i win.

  26. OnceWasCool says:

    hmmm
    “Once Was Cool” 38,200

  27. The Bigger Unit says:

    @Sathallrin: Odd…when I did the same search, I got 11 results (18 with duplicate items not omitted). Which version of Google are you using?

  28. pmr12002 says:

    Microsoft is cool gets 33,900 therefore Microsoft is cooler then Apple.

  29. kingoman says:

    Not a very scientific test. One of the Verizon hits actually says “… I don’t think Verizon is cool.”

    Not to mention, as soon as Google indexes this article, these counts will all change, anyway. What’s that principle about the very act of observation changes the result of the test?

  30. RumorsDaily says:

    Cats is cool?

  31. RumorsDaily says:

    But who is the coolest Consumerist?

    “Ben is cool” – 21,200
    “Meghann is cool” – 0 (ha)
    “Carey is cool” – 30
    “Chris is cool” – 524

    The coolest Consumerist is Ben, by a long shot.

  32. Trai_Dep says:

    Oh dear.

    “My purple cock is cool” gets 121,000 hits.

    While not sleek, state-of-the-art or possessing a Touch interface, I’m pretty proud of my lil’ blood-gorged Mr. Happy beating Apple. Best, it lasts longer than 500 charge cycles!

  33. Trai_Dep says:

    Err, about the Touch interface. I just reread the owner’s manual. It does come with one!

  34. danger the pirate says:

    @kingoman: that, sir, is the observer effect: [en.wikipedia.org]
    ive always been taught that it was the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, but wikipedia says that that is incorrect.
    side note: “heisenberg is cool” returns 1 result. and the results arent all exactly relevant. one of them is a discussion of a song in a commercial which yields this comment: “HATEBREED = VERIZON SO VERIZON IS COOL !” which was made sarcastically, but oh well.

  35. jamar0303 says:

    …*Thank* you for the wonderful imagery.

  36. Sathallrin says:

    @Johnny:
    @The Bigger Unit:
    That is odd when I do a search here:
    [www.google.com]
    I get this:
    Results 1 – 10 of about 2,100 for “cingular is cool”. (0.07 seconds)
    Yet when I actually look at the results there are 14 (including 2 from consumerist) So not sure what is bugged about google, I tried the search on multiple browsers, logged in and not logged in and got the same result.

    Either way, this is till more than verizon.

  37. Brad2723 says:

    verizon is ok, if you want to pay extra to have certain features enabled on your cell phone. If they already offer a service (for a fee) and your phone is capable of doing it, they lock the phone and force you to pay for their service.
    For example, the Motorola Razr on the Verizon network does not have the ability to use custom (DIY) ring tones, whereas this same phone on any other network does.
    Did you just take a picture with your phone? Well, if you’re a verizon wireless customer, you won’t just be able to plug your phone into your computer via the USB port to download the picture.

  38. Consumerist Moderator - ACAMBRAS says:

    @RumorsDaily:

    The coolest Consumerist is Ben, by a long shot.

    Yes but, with all props to Popken, they could have been talking about any Ben…

    Ben Franklin, Ben Stiller, Ben Dover…

  39. Steve_Holt says:

    Your search – “Ben Popken is cool” – did not match any documents.

  40. Steve_Holt says:

    @Brad2723:

    Actually, you can downlowd pics to your pc if you buy the “verizon music” package or whatever garbage that is, that comes with the usb cable. You need to install the driver from the cd included in the package. Once your phone is talking to your PC, go to http://www.bitpim.org and download the software. You can now move pictures to your PC easily. I do it all the time with a samsung a990. This works with most verizon phones. (Even if your phone isn’t “listed” on bitpim, try it anyway – it’ll probably work.)