New Consumer Types To Define You

Are you a karma queen or a geek god? A couple of fancy New York branding types have released a new book that suggests several new consumer “types,” including those two as well as the “innerpreneur,” the “denim dad,” and the “parentocrat.”

The list of consumer types reads like a description of D&D races, so we’ll assign some character stats to them for added value. You’re welcome, marketing agencies.

Karma Queen — “A woman aged in her 40s or 50s who tends to buy organic food, wear Birkenstock footwear, practice yoga and buy high-end bath products.” Alignment: Lawful Good

  • Strength: 7
  • Dexterity: 18
  • Constitution: 12
  • Intelligence: 12
  • Charisma: 13
  • Wisdom: 11

Geek Gods — “Men aged under 35 who can’t live without the latest gadget and are eager to help others understand their electronics. They are considered the most benevolent of the consumer types.” Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

  • Strength: 14
  • Dexterity: 6
  • Constitution: 12
  • Intelligence: 16
  • Charisma: 12
  • Wisdom: 2

Innerpreneurs — “The rebels, people who ignore trends and focus on their own peace of mind. Such consumers may be in the market for a life coach or challenging vacation in the wilderness.” Alignment: Neutral Evil

  • Strength: 15
  • Dexterity: 12
  • Constitution: 14
  • Intelligence: 16
  • Charisma: 14
  • Wisdom: 6

Denim Dads — “Active in raising children and embrace a balance between life and work. They might buy expensive jeans and pick the same music player their kids use.” Alignment: Neutral Good

  • Strength: 12
  • Dexterity: 2
  • Constitution: 8
  • Intelligence: 14
  • Charisma: 12
  • Wisdom: 16

Parentocrats — “Upper middle class parents consumed with their children’s well-being who may invest heavily in music lessons or videos promising to make children smarter.” Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

  • Strength: 6
  • Dexterity: 6
  • Constitution:10
  • Intelligence: 16
  • Charisma: 10
  • Wisdom: 15

“Karma queen or geek god? Marketers eye new consumer” [Reuters]

Comments

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  1. njdon says:

    K-mart King — f u madison ave. and there are other things in life more important than impressing the cartboy at shoprite.

  2. Lin-Z [linguist on duty] says:

    That’s actually the monsters manual, rather than the spell compendium–according to my boyfriend.

  3. @Lin-Z: Yes, but I renamed it and went with “Compendium” so I could get some alliteration rockin’, just like in the real Monster Manual. :)

  4. Trai_Dep says:

    Wouldn’t Parenocrats be LAWFUL Evil? I can’t see them poking their noses out of their dayplanners long enough to randomly do most anything – Blair and Brittney will miss their (respectively, tho it’d be awesome if they were swapped), their ballet and football lessons.

    And I assume innerpreneurs are “evil” because they don’t listen to marketing campaigns with rapt, credulous fascination?

    We’ll let slide the Geek Gods having a 12 Charisma because – obviously – Chris has clearly mastered those mad DMing skillz back in the day. Draw what inference you will…

  5. Trai_Dep says:

    Damn. I switched Blair & Britney. Whoops. Well, Blair looks quite fetching in tights, and Britney’s perversely attractive with shoulder pads, so carry on, kids!

  6. aikoto says:

    This is something that’s been done for a while. Best Buy for example came up with something similar based on the Angel/demon theory of customer management:

    [www.jeremyduffy.com]

  7. bohemian says:

    Parentocrats = Chaotic Evil

    They are always the ones blocking the aisles and letting their special little spawn run unmonitored.
    They are also more likely to cut in front of you in line or smash into you with a cart because they are in a hurry to get to Chayse’s soccer practice – therapy session etc.

    What if I am a geeky karma queen?

  8. dwarf74 says:

    [comic-book guy]BEST CONSUMERIST ARTICLE EVAR![/comic-book guy]

  9. BeastMasterJ says:

    I can understand why Geek god’s have a Wis of 2 (Early Adopter = poor judgement). Now why does Denim Dad have a Dex of 2? Does he have a bad knee, or something?

    And I agree with Trai_dep that parentocrats are closer to Lawful something with their strict scheduleing and micromanagment of their children’s lives.

    Also, is that consumer compendium going to get an update for version 4.0?

  10. Gump says:

    At level 3 the Parentocrat gets the “Constantly make up excuses for child’s bad behavior” feat.

  11. mac-phisto says:

    @BeastMasterJ: “I can understand why Geek god’s have a Wis of 2″

    yeah, but a strength modifier of 14? i’m having a pretty tough time picturing the likes of joe piscopo explaining to little timmy how to reset his nano without crushing it in his bear-like paws.

  12. rmz says:

    This article scores a critical hit.

  13. Beerad says:

    Seriously, the bottom line is that Consumerist isn’t as D&D-savvy as it might be. Also, that commentors are way too D&D-savvy for their own good.

  14. naosuke says:

    @macphisto “yeah, but a strength modifier of 14?”

    Technically it is a strength score of 14 which only gives a +2 modifier, Compared to a black bear’s strentgh of 19 which gives a +4 modifier. Yes, I am that big of a nerd.

  15. mammalpants says:

    OMFG. i am ALL of these combined into a single, mighty voltron-like demographic!

  16. Trai_Dep says:

    I’m wondering where the (hawt, obviously) Valkyrie subclass fits into all of this…

  17. andrewsmash says:

    Ah marketing…the most make-believe of all careers.

  18. mac-phisto says:

    @naosuke: my bad. did not mean to improperly use “modifier”. it’s my intelligence score of 2 that causes that.

  19. @Beerad: “Seriously, the bottom line is that Consumerist isn’t as D&D-savvy as it might be. Also, that commentors are way too D&D-savvy for their own good.”

    Both of these statements are true.

  20. Keter says:

    @BEERAD – Yeah, I’m really surprised that so many commenters grok the D&D thing. Of course, while they were D&Ding, I was adding magick and psionic rules to the Call of Cthulu game I was GMing. ;o)

    My category: Steampunk Technomage
    Alignment: Competent Libertarian (Neutral Neutral)

    * Strength: 6
    * Dexterity: 4 (situational modifier: -2 if dancing; +18 if performing brain surgery)
    * Constitution: 20 (Rasputen had nothing on me)
    * Intelligence: 20 (+10 if evil is after me)
    * Charisma: 17
    * Wisdom: 2 or 20, depending on who you ask (see modifier for intelligence, above)

    Hit Points: More than Wylie Coyote.

    Special Powers and Spells: Repair, Fabricate, Network, Find Awesome Deal, Make Do, Poke Fun, Detect BS, Remain Ageless, Frustrate Government, Whistleblow, Resurrect Career, Scambust, Unspin Spin, Leverage Intelligence, Leverage Bust… ;o)

  21. Consumerist Moderator - ACAMBRAS says:

    @Chris Walters:

    Hey Chris, I’ll trade you 2 ores for 3 grains…

    …Oh damn — wrong game.

  22. Trai_Dep says:

    “You and your party walk along a dark, subterranean hallway. You’ve been walking so long that you’re fatigued (-4 to saves) yet every time you attempt sleep, clouds of Waltergnats attack your party. Your footsteps’s are muffled somewhat by the luminescent moss that lines the lower half of each wall. Your cleric, his tongue burned and boil-covered after he attempted to squeeze water from the moss (-8 to vocal spells) to quench his thirst.

    The hallway broadens someone. Your thief checks the ceiling for traps before your party enters – all clear. Your party assembles and notice two doors. One is red, seems in good condition. The other has traces of faded yellow paint peeling off of it, has a multitude of axe and sword scars and is liberally dotted with scorch marks. The entranceway to both doors is scattered with dry bones, shattered weapons and the rent scraps of armor, but the remains have been disturbed to the extent that they’re scattered randomly throughout the immediate area.

    As you approach the doors, you notice two small signs, one on each door. Your wizard approaches after casting an anti-trap spell. He leans close and reads to the party the signs on the red and yellow door:

    ‘Consumerist isn’t as D&D-savvy as it might be.’

    And,

    ‘Commentors are way too D&D-savvy for their own good.’”

    Which door will you open?