Retire Early By Suing Google For Anything

You’re likely reading The Consumerist in the middle of a workday, so we’re guessing you’re receptive to new ideas on how to make lots of money fast without actually doing any work. Here’s a great way: just make up some reason to sue Google.

For example, last week a 25-year-old Pennsylvanian filed a lawsuit against Google because his social security number spells a scrambled version of “Google” when turned upside down, and consequently his safety is in jeopardy. He’s asking for $5 billion in damages. His handwritten complaint also states quite clearly that not only is his right to privacy being violated, but that “Plaintiff and defendant(s) have a responsibility to fight the War on Terrorism.”

Or here’s another example: sue Google and Yahoo for stealing their names from your grandparents, who hailed from the Gogo and Yao tribes of Tanzania, like someone in Texas did last week.

See? It’s easy. Here are some more ideas to help get you started:

  • I thought Google was a palindrome but it turns out it isn’t (this one smells like class-action).
  • Google’s ads are not always for products or services I am interested in.
  • Google is a euphemism for my genitalia, and therefore has caused me millions of dollars worth of humiliation.
  • Google gave me diabetes.

“What’s in Google’s Name?” [New York Times Bits Blog]

Comments

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  1. Toof_75_75 says:

    I’m suing because Google killed the radio-star…

  2. juri squared says:

    I’m suing Google because they’re the father.

  3. 3ZKL says:

    i’m suing google right now. . .AND LOVING IT!

  4. goodguy812 says:

    i’m not suing becuase google has vanessa hudgens nude pic on there! *sweet!

  5. goodguy812 says:

    wait, nevermind i’m suing because i popped a chub looking at it

  6. jwarner132 says:

    I’m suing Google because they have more English web pages indexed than Spanish web pages. That’s racist, and is a civil rights violation.

  7. Hedgy2136 says:

    I’m suing Google because I am addicted to online gambling and porn (mostly porn) ’cause if I type porn in the search box, I get links to lots of porn.

  8. Leiterfluid says:

    I’m suing Google because of GlobalWarmingClimateChangeManBearPig.

  9. IndyJaws says:

    The handwritten claim is very similar to ones my previous company used to receive. Usually they were incoherent and rambling, often with inane demands. Most of the time, the BBB, FTC, FCC, CIA, FBI, NSA, President and/or a combination of them were copied on the complaint. The sad thing is that it was usually a sure sign of mental illness. While the Google suit above is laughable, hopefully this will lead to the Plaintiff getting some treatment.

  10. Megatenist says:

    I’m sueing Google because if you rearrange the letters,you get “leg goo”.That’s not good for chidren to hear.One bajillion dollars should be enough to cover the “emotional damage”

  11. Toof_75_75 says:

    @Megatenist:

    I’m suing because based upon your allegation, Google rearranged as “leg goo” reminds me of Legos, which are toys, which reminds me of Mattel, which had lead in their toys, which scares me.

  12. darkclawsofchaos says:

    I tried suing Google, but they googled up some super ice spider ninjas to chase me, googled for some katanas for those ninjas, and googled some top notch lawyers for the ninjas and the swords. And then I googled for an answer and the solution wasn’t easy. So have fun with your lawsuits

  13. ptkdude says:

    @jurijuri: Actually, Google was on the Maury Povich show the other day, and they are NOT the father.

  14. Buran says:

    How about “because your website has a white background, and I prefer sites with black backgrounds”?

  15. Megatenist says:

    @ptkdude:

    Google stole my lunch money and gave me a wedgie!!

  16. shades_of_blue says:

    I suing Google because i typed in Klansmen and it brought up a Wikepedia entry about the KKK. I’m not suing Wikipedia or myself however, mainly because we’re both broke.

  17. jwarner132 says:

    @Buran:

    Now that’s racist.

  18. juri squared says:

    @ptkdude: Crap, then it must be Ask.com. I bet they’re broke, too.

    Curse that slutty Jeeves!

  19. rmz says:

    From the document:

    “13. Plaintiff and defendant(s) have a responsibility to fight the war on Terrorism

    16. Plaintiff and defendant(s) could be subjected to detainment by The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA for suspition or acts and/or assisting in Terrorism or Affiliating with Terrorist Organizations”

    Wha? Hahaha.

    On a serious note, I hope that this guy gets the help he needs, hopefully he just missed some medication or something. :/

  20. rmz says:

    Wow, this guy’s been busy, actually. Here are other things that he submitted all on the same day:

    [dockets.justia.com]

  21. OnceWasCool says:

    I’m suing Google for not telling Vanessa Hudgens that she needs a razor.

  22. If he were from Texas I’d think it was really this guy: [www.mercerforpresident2008.com]

    What happens to lawyers who take on these kinds of lawsuits from people who aren’t well?

  23. UpsetPanda says:

    I’m suing Google because I’m thinking of the children.

  24. JustAGuy2 says:

    It’s actually very sad. The guy doesn’t have a dime to his name (checking acct is overdrafted and closed, and only asset is a snowboard), but he spent $18 on Express Mail to file this. Clearly, he needs help.

  25. urban_ninjya says:

    I’m going to sue Google because they exposed my innocent eyes to porn when searching for Japanese School Girl Uniforms.

  26. bedofnails says:

    Google is in your fridge eating your food.

  27. Notsewfast says:

    Hilarious frivilous lawsuits you say? This other guy is near famous for this stuff… The wikipedia article is good for a laugh.

    [en.wikipedia.org]

  28. Galls says:

    Suing google is a shit load earlier than that.

    All you have to do is throw some of your intellectual property and copyrighted material on the web and wait for google’s spiders to find it and download it to their servers, as google downloads the entire internet (cache button under the results). They are hence forth stealing your IP for their own profit.
    .
    .
    You can op out of it via the use of a certain script but that still does not clear google from copyright theft. When you think about it, Google is stealing IP and profiting from it.

  29. Nick Douglas says:

    My favorite bit is the hand-drawn vertical lines.

  30. drkkgt says:

    @rmz: Wow, thanks for the link. Reading the rest is even better. Did you see the one about: “The “I don’t know” defense obviously is a waste of money, time, and puts the lives of Americans and Illegal Aliens at risk of death or serious undress.”
    Lords knows, I would rather die than be seriously undressed.

    Go read the rest of the BRIEF IN SUPPORT re 2 MOTION

  31. Mr. Gunn says:

    I’ve sued Google, so I’m getting a kick out of these replies, or at least I did when every other newsblog posted this last week.

  32. Mr. Gunn says:

    The real funny thing is that he included every single piece of identifying information he has, from bank accounts to his library card, in his brief, which was subsequently scanned and put online by the clerk’s office. I’d be amazed if he doesn’t have about 237 new credit cards by now.

    See Exhibits A, B, and C. (PDF)

    They’ve redacted the info now, but it was unredacted for quite some time. Lucky him, it was images in a PDF, so Google didn’t cache it.

  33. UpsetPanda says:

    I think perhaps this individual needs help – like all of the others who seem to sue over very obviously un-suable items.

    Perhaps someone should remind him that if he’s complaining about his SS# turned upside down to spell google, all one has to do is figure out the numbers that represent the letters in google to figure out his SS#.

    Except a social security number has 8 digits and google only has 6…hmm.

  34. UpsetPanda says:

    *edit to note that I mean to type “9 digits” and instead hit 8.

  35. SCORPIONX says:

    i’m suing google because they use too many colors in their logo

  36. TangDrinker says:

    I’m suing google because now every idiot thinks they can do my job, and do it better, and yet still have to come to me because “it’s not on the internet.”

  37. OmicroN says:

    In Soviet Russia, Google sues you!

  38. derobert says:

    @Rectilinear Propagation: If you look at the filings, you can see they’re filed pro se, which means without a lawyer.

  39. IRSistherootofallevil says:

    I’m suing Google because of the subprime implosion.

  40. pkchukiss says:

    I’m suing Google because it didn’t do my laundry while I’m wasting time on the Inter-webb

  41. Nextlevel says:

    I am suing google because they don’t have a gphone out yet.