Consumerist's 10 Tips That Will Make Sure You'll Stay Broke
We know you don't really like having money. That's why we've put together these 10 tips that will help ensure you never will:
1) Make Shopping Your Hobby.
Nothing to do on a Tuesday night? Go to the store. Doesn't matter which one. Just go and bring your credit card. Better yet, open a store credit card and buy a bunch of stuff. Hey! You saved 10%! Sure, you didn't actually know you "needed" this stuff until you saw it at the store, but its just so cute.
2) Don't Have a Budget.
Look, you know about how much money you make and about how much you spend on basic costs. Then you need your "play money." After that, if there's anything left, it can sit in your non-interest bearing checking account until next month. As long as there is something in there, you're doing well.
Sure, you overdraft now and then, but big deal. It doesn't happen every day.
3) Impress Your Friends By Buying Them Expensive Stuff You Can't Afford.
If Betty registers a $10,000 silver platter for her wedding... you should get it for her. Yeah, so you went in to debt? Betty is your best friend . She'd do the same for you. What? You don't want to look cheap !
4) Go Grocery Shopping When You're Hungry, With No List.
Don't plan you meals. Always eat "whatever you feel like." Go shopping when you're really hungry and make sure to buy everything that looks yummy!Mmmm! Lobster! Another good tip is to go shopping on "sample day" and buy everything you try. Smoked Gouda! Caviar! Little pigs in a blanket! Pizza rolls! Yay!
5) Go To The Little ATM At The Gas Station. A Lot.
It's only 1.50, get over it. The bank is sooooo far away. Just get money wherever it's convenient. Who cares about the fees? Same goes for overdraft fees and other banking fees. It's not that big of a deal.
6) Buy Lots and Lots of "Comfort Items" Without Considering The Cost.
You need your latte. You need your new shoes. You need Madden 08. You need a blu-ray player. You need cable. You need an iPhone. You need more DVDs. You need to buy a book instead of going to the library. You need to play a MMORPG . You need 150 shades of lipstick. You need to see every movie that comes out, then buy the poster and an action figure. You need to go to every concert. You need to buy the T-shirt. You need lots of brand new clothes every month.
You need these things to be happy. If you don't have each and every single one of them you will be so depressed that you may actually die. Don't take the risk.
7) Don't Open A High Interest Savings Account
High-interest savings accounts are for old people. You don't need to save yet. Or at all. You have that, you know, plan thing at work where they save money for you. And you can use your credit cards for any emergencies that might come up. So you'll be OK.
8) Run Up Lots Of Credit Card Debt
Don't worry, you'll pay it off at some point. When? Um. When you make more money than you do now. Duh. Besides, if the credit card company says you can afford to take out $17,000 at 18% they must know what they're talking about, right? They don't want to lose their money!
9) Let Yourself Go.
Don't work out or change the oil in your car. If you get sick, take half the medicine, that way you'll get sick again really quickly and get to spend more on medical bills. Take crappy care of your car and your house so that when something breaks it costs a ton of money to fix. Also, buy a gas guzzling car and leave your windows open with the air conditioning on. Don't brush your teeth or eat healthful foods. Make sure to buy lots of things that are very expensive to maintain, then neglect them. Who cares?
10) Buy Your Children Whatever They Want
Your kid can't go to school unless he/she is dressed in all the latest fashions. Also, he/she must have better toys than other children or you are a bad parent. Disappointment is bad for children. If children don't get everything they want, it makes them bad at math. True story. Also, if you don't sign your kid up for tons and tons of expensive classes and activities, he/she will fail at life and live under a bridge. And it will be your fault.
What are your tips for staying as broke as possible? Share them in the comments!
(Photo:Sam Wilkinson)
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Comments:
You forgot:
Hookers and drugs
Believing everything the sales guys say without checking it out for yourself.
How about running the central AC at 58 degrees with just the storm door closed (inside door wide open)?
I see McCastle dwellers doing this all the time.
Hookers on drugs....
Drugs on hookers!
Drugs keep me broke, and girls, and cigarettes, alcohol, coffee, cell phone, fast food, car repairs, gas, soda. I can make up for it a little by stealing cable, downloading porn, music, games, programs, and movies, using the food bank, and the salvation army, never having $20 to take from the ATM, and not having children, Going grocery shopping hungry is one thing, try going stoned.
@darkblast93:
Actually I have a friend who does and blows it off every time I mention it to him. He won't even borrow some money from me to avoid paying it--he just doesn't care.
Another good way to stay poor is to get a long term car loan, but upgrade to a nicer car so your car payment is like a cheaper car on a really short lease. Who cares if the rates (and duration) are longer, the payments are the same right?! (Oh, and then there's the insurance).
I would say to buy a house for the absolute most you can get pre-approved for, but for SOME reason the banks are being a little more conservative on that stuff now...not sure what the deal is. But you totally could use all that space!
I forgot that was why I stopped doing all those things on the list...hookers and drugs.
What about leaving everything on when you're not really using it?
Driving when somewhere is only a mile or less away?
buying single servings of soda/bottled water?
There are too many ways to stay broke to even begin to list them.
Coke off a hooker's ass.
Duh.
I buy the hookers in bulk, to save. I separate them and put the extras in the freezer until I need them.
11) Open and respond to every e-mail about new or existing services and accounts.
Wow, look at all the deals that get sent to you! You don't even have to ask for them. Credit card deals, mortgage deals, ect. You'd be a fool not to take advantage of them. You should also follow the instructions in any e-mail stating that you need to log into your account. You don't want to lose access to your money. Sure, you might not remember having an account with that particular company but with all the deals you're getting in on it's hard to keep track. Don't worry about ID theft. That happens to other people.
Finally, a list of things that's fun to do, as opposed to those normal "Invest in your IRA, pay off credit card debt" list we normally get.
@darkblast93: I prefer to use the ones in strip clubs or casinos.
Buy the most expensive house you can afford on Interest Only lones.
Get attracted to an agressive cosmetic saleslady at the mall kiosk, buy her a $300 cellphone when she asks you to buy it for her, buy $1100 worth of cosmetics from her in hopes that she'll like you, then when she does call just let her talk to you about upcoming cosmetic products that will be available.
Put it all on your credit card (including the $300 phone and $1100 cosmetics) like you do your groceries and only pay the minimum. Don't forget that you are only working two part-time jobs that pay slightly more than minimum wage.
Thankfully this didn't happen to me but rather an ex-friend of a friend. When the guy told us what he did, it was one of those instances where someone does something so stupid, you can't even think of a comeback or reasoning of the entire situation. I recommended doing a chargeback on the credit card but the guy (who's 30 years old,a virgin, and never really had a girlfriend) didn't want to do that.
Now if only my friend that does all this stuff and won't take my subtle hints wouldn't get totally offended by me sending this to her...
Don't think about your career; you can always find a job somewhere. Like, temping is great - low responsibility, and you get to move around and try different things. So what if the pay is crap, and there are no benefits?
If you need money, buy lottery tickets! You're bound to win sometime.
12. Buy a new car every four years. Hell, take a look on the road at all those 2003-2005 models surrounding you... you can see that almost everyone does these days. So get on the bandwagon! What else offers such a great return on your investment than a new car?
My God...this is my wife!!!
To follow up on my own comment, I strongly feel that many people who "stay broke" are just as much underemployed (i.e. stuck in a low-paying job and not thinking in terms of growing a career), as they are overspending.
Similarly, another way to stay broke is to keep going back to school for another degree, or to stay in graduate school indefinitely (the ABD path).
Whenever I use the little gas station ATM, I at least take out a good bit of money. $1.50 is a lot smaller percentage of $100 than $20. But I DO have to use these ATMs occasionally.
Three words: Bill Me Later
@JuliusJefferson: No, no, no. Get $20 5 times a week. You're doing this all wrong. You'll save money by doing it your way!
ever read the book "how to ruin your financial life" by ben stein?
same idea. hilarious book. you can picture him reading it to you
When i beat somebody down, i use a sack full of $1 coins, rather than nickels. then i let them keep the sack, you know, to remember me by.
Also i try to decrease global warming by facing my air conditioner out instead of in. nature loves it!
Hey, the $1.50 gas station ATM fee is certainly better than the $3.00 B of A fee if you can't get to your own bank!
don't stop at buying the biggest house "you can afford" - buy the biggest house they will allow you to buy. that goes for the biggest, most expensive car they will allow you to drive off the lot as well. if the banks and finance companies didn't have your best interests at heart they wouldn't let you buy the McMansion nor the Hummer in the first place, right? repeat the following affirmation to yourself several times every hour. . . "I am what I buy."
Have children, lots of them
Never, EVER, shop around for the best deal. Always buy the first version of the product or service you come across. Shopping around wastes time; why go somewhere else when the thing you want is right there? Always pay for whatever warranty, service plan, accessories, upgrades, etc. are offered. If you didn't need it they wouldn't offer it, right?
I never knew high-yield savings accounts existed until last year. You've got your checking and your savings; it was a surprise to learn the existence of a second savings option that's basically the same thing but with a higher interest rate. It's not intuitive. Maybe it's just my CU, but I think more could be done to educate people about the options that are readily available to them.
#5- using the gas station ATMs
Yes but speaking of gas stations...is the amount of gas you'll spend driving out of your way to find a fee- free ATM worth saving the $1.50?
Be the first one to buy any new technology. Stand in line, or better yet, PAY someone else to stand in line for you, so that you can get a crack at it first. First is best, and worth paying extra for.
Never read the fine print before you sign a contract. If it was important the print would be bigger.
Be the first on your block to have the high tech gadget. Brag to your friends about having a DVD player before you could rent DVD's, a plasma TV when everyone else was "stuck in analog," and digital hi-def cable while your poor friends only had 24 channels. And you definitely need a quad-core CPU for sending email.
Always protect your investment with a full service plan and extended warranty. 20.00 remote controller? Be sure it never goes bad by giving an additional 10.00 to protect it. Spend a couple grand on your vehicle to ensure the powertrain stays in working order, better to spend the money up front and in full "in case" it breaks than get hit with the repair bill if it actually does break sometime down the road, when that same money would've withered away in an interest bearing savings account!
Oh, and to absolutely GUARANTEE you stay broke, simply go out and get yourself a girlfriend / fiancee. Especially if she mentions a Coach or Dooney and Burke handbag during your first conversation.
@rouftop:
Don't forget the Blu-Ray and HD-DVD players and disks
You never know who's going to win the format war and you have to be prepared!
having a girlfriend is quite expensive.
Can't believe no one added this one:
"NEVER pack a lunch, go out everyday because carrying a grocery bag with a lasagna-refilled Cool Whip bowl makes you feel stupid"
Or:
"Never park more than a block away from wherever you're going. Walking is for chumps and any parking spot without a meter is for homeless people to pee in."
And my favorite:
"Always buy a gym membership because those 4 days you want to work out this year will be stressful enough without having to walk up actual stairs or ride an actual bicycle. Actually, buy a new bicycle - one Lance Armstrong rode, and hire a coach and go buy all the expensive gear because you liked biking when you were a kid."
nonono, "buy" a house then when the 2005 "appraisal" says it's worth $150,000 more than you bought at, cha-ching! cash out that equity and buy the toys of your dreams! do NOT pay off any debt with this, because it's yours and you deserve it! no srsly!!
which explains all the Corvettes, Harleys, ATVs, snowmobiles, boats, house trailers, Hummers and all that other shit parked on lawns all over the country along with the vacation houses and speculation condos with "For Sale" signs on em. might as well add "oh pretty please buy my stupid plunging-value shit I'll be paying off for 30 years".
that's a guaranteed way to make sure you stay broke and there's millions of em out there.
Go to a casino. That has ruined some people I know. Or bet big on the horses.
@shari: Lottery tickets! Those are an excellent retirement fund. Buy several every week. And buy a couple with the same numbers on them, just in case you have to split the money with other identical tickets.
@Rectilinear Propagation: I don't know... should you really buy the first whatever-it-is you see? What if it's not the best one?? You'd better check a few places at least, and buy the one that's the most expensive. After all, if it's more expensive it must be better, right?
And don't let the fact that it's the same model number fool you, if it's $20 more, then obviously Macy's must carry a higher quality thingamajig than Target.
Oh! Forgot! Be a snob too. Insist on drinking imported beer (or domestic microbrews if you must stoop) and water. Belittle those who do not share your refined sensibilities when they offer you anything you could get at a public sporting event. Only purchase these beverages in popular nightclubs and restaurants.
If you can't afford it and the credit cards are maxed out, take out an unsecured loan. Look at all the free money this person's just GIVING you!
You totally CAN budget on money you're not making yet. Think of all the raises you'll be getting in the unspecified future!
Your job? TOTALLY a sure thing; you'll never lose it! So slack off, go online all day, and give your boss a hearty, "Piss off," if he mentions it. He doesn't really care what you're doing at your desk, anyway.
Move all over the country to find that elusive job market you've always dreamed of. Something will come up, right?
Don't even THINK about renter's insurance. Fires never happen in apartment buildings. NEVER. For that matter, don't get any insurance you're not required to by law. That stuff never happens; it's all a scam to get your money. Just don't even waste your precious time on researching whether it's worth it.
My husband is one of those ATM people. What drives me really crazy is that if he turns right from the road he works off of, our bank is a block away. If he turns left, the gas station (where he's picking up breakfast or whatever) is two blocks away. He will ALWAYS use the ATM in the gas station, because it's "out of his way" to go to the bank....
As for suggestions to go broke. Why go grocery shopping? It's so much more convenient to run to the local fast food place. On the rare occassion you need some food in your house, the gas station down the street has a good selection of beer and chips, right?
Also, you must choose the job that pays $1.50 more an hour but is a 1.5 hour drive 1 way, than the one 3 blocks from your house (I live in SoCal, this is very typical and I just don't get it...)
And probably most importantly...care what other people think. After all, it's everyone else's opinion of you that determines your worth in the world.
Shopping at a discount store? No way.
Using a coupon? Absolutely ghetto.
Dressing your kids in hand-me-down baby clothes? Sketchy beyond words.
Don't ever make your own coffee, because, like, it takes way too long for the water to heat up and then drip through the filter. I mean, come on. One drop at a time?! I'm a busy person!
Hello, hipster Starbucks employee! One triple-caf, non-fat caramel grande, no ice in an unwashed cup. $4.86? No problem! I just got some cash at the gas station.
Who uses those sleazy ATMs anyway?