Consumerist's 10 Tips That Will Make Sure You'll Stay Broke

We know you don’t really like having money. That’s why we’ve put together these 10 tips that will help ensure you never will:

1) Make Shopping Your Hobby.

Nothing to do on a Tuesday night? Go to the store. Doesn’t matter which one. Just go and bring your credit card. Better yet, open a store credit card and buy a bunch of stuff. Hey! You saved 10%! Sure, you didn’t actually know you “needed” this stuff until you saw it at the store, but its just so cute.

2) Don’t Have a Budget.

Look, you know about how much money you make and about how much you spend on basic costs. Then you need your “play money.” After that, if there’s anything left, it can sit in your non-interest bearing checking account until next month. As long as there is something in there, you’re doing well.

Sure, you overdraft now and then, but big deal. It doesn’t happen every day.

3) Impress Your Friends By Buying Them Expensive Stuff You Can’t Afford.

If Betty registers a $10,000 silver platter for her wedding… you should get it for her. Yeah, so you went in to debt? Betty is your best friend . She’d do the same for you. What? You don’t want to look cheap !

4) Go Grocery Shopping When You’re Hungry, With No List.

Don’t plan you meals. Always eat “whatever you feel like.” Go shopping when you’re really hungry and make sure to buy everything that looks yummy!Mmmm! Lobster! Another good tip is to go shopping on “sample day” and buy everything you try. Smoked Gouda! Caviar! Little pigs in a blanket! Pizza rolls! Yay!

5) Go To The Little ATM At The Gas Station. A Lot.

It’s only 1.50, get over it. The bank is sooooo far away. Just get money wherever it’s convenient. Who cares about the fees? Same goes for overdraft fees and other banking fees. It’s not that big of a deal.

6) Buy Lots and Lots of “Comfort Items” Without Considering The Cost.

You need your latte. You need your new shoes. You need Madden 08. You need a blu-ray player. You need cable. You need an iPhone. You need more DVDs. You need to buy a book instead of going to the library. You need to play a MMORPG . You need 150 shades of lipstick. You need to see every movie that comes out, then buy the poster and an action figure. You need to go to every concert. You need to buy the T-shirt. You need lots of brand new clothes every month.

You need these things to be happy. If you don’t have each and every single one of them you will be so depressed that you may actually die. Don’t take the risk.

7) Don’t Open A High Interest Savings Account

High-interest savings accounts are for old people. You don’t need to save yet. Or at all. You have that, you know, plan thing at work where they save money for you. And you can use your credit cards for any emergencies that might come up. So you’ll be OK.

8) Run Up Lots Of Credit Card Debt

Don’t worry, you’ll pay it off at some point. When? Um. When you make more money than you do now. Duh. Besides, if the credit card company says you can afford to take out $17,000 at 18% they must know what they’re talking about, right? They don’t want to lose their money!

9) Let Yourself Go.

Don’t work out or change the oil in your car. If you get sick, take half the medicine, that way you’ll get sick again really quickly and get to spend more on medical bills. Take crappy care of your car and your house so that when something breaks it costs a ton of money to fix. Also, buy a gas guzzling car and leave your windows open with the air conditioning on. Don’t brush your teeth or eat healthful foods. Make sure to buy lots of things that are very expensive to maintain, then neglect them. Who cares?

10) Buy Your Children Whatever They Want

Your kid can’t go to school unless he/she is dressed in all the latest fashions. Also, he/she must have better toys than other children or you are a bad parent. Disappointment is bad for children. If children don’t get everything they want, it makes them bad at math. True story. Also, if you don’t sign your kid up for tons and tons of expensive classes and activities, he/she will fail at life and live under a bridge. And it will be your fault.

What are your tips for staying as broke as possible? Share them in the comments!

(Photo:Sam Wilkinson)

Comments

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  1. Nicholai says:

    Who uses those sleazy ATMs anyway?

  2. vanilla-fro says:

    You forgot:
    Hookers and drugs

  3. bohemian says:

    Believing everything the sales guys say without checking it out for yourself.

  4. bohemian says:

    How about running the central AC at 58 degrees with just the storm door closed (inside door wide open)?

    I see McCastle dwellers doing this all the time.

  5. TechnoDestructo says:

    @vanilla-fro:

    No…the point of saving money is so that you can afford hookers and drugs.

  6. joeblevins says:

    Hookers on drugs….

  7. gorckat says:

    Drugs on hookers!

  8. Cowboys_fan says:

    Drugs keep me broke, and girls, and cigarettes, alcohol, coffee, cell phone, fast food, car repairs, gas, soda. I can make up for it a little by stealing cable, downloading porn, music, games, programs, and movies, using the food bank, and the salvation army, never having $20 to take from the ATM, and not having children, Going grocery shopping hungry is one thing, try going stoned.

  9. crnk says:

    @darkblast93:
    Actually I have a friend who does and blows it off every time I mention it to him. He won’t even borrow some money from me to avoid paying it–he just doesn’t care.

  10. sandwich_pants says:

    Another good way to stay poor is to get a long term car loan, but upgrade to a nicer car so your car payment is like a cheaper car on a really short lease. Who cares if the rates (and duration) are longer, the payments are the same right?! (Oh, and then there’s the insurance).
    I would say to buy a house for the absolute most you can get pre-approved for, but for SOME reason the banks are being a little more conservative on that stuff now…not sure what the deal is. But you totally could use all that space!

  11. vanilla-fro says:

    I forgot that was why I stopped doing all those things on the list…hookers and drugs.

    What about leaving everything on when you’re not really using it?
    Driving when somewhere is only a mile or less away?
    buying single servings of soda/bottled water?
    There are too many ways to stay broke to even begin to list them.

  12. zsouthboy says:

    Coke off a hooker’s ass.

    Duh.

    I buy the hookers in bulk, to save. I separate them and put the extras in the freezer until I need them.

  13. 11) Open and respond to every e-mail about new or existing services and accounts.
    Wow, look at all the deals that get sent to you! You don’t even have to ask for them. Credit card deals, mortgage deals, ect. You’d be a fool not to take advantage of them. You should also follow the instructions in any e-mail stating that you need to log into your account. You don’t want to lose access to your money. Sure, you might not remember having an account with that particular company but with all the deals you’re getting in on it’s hard to keep track. Don’t worry about ID theft. That happens to other people.

  14. B says:

    Finally, a list of things that’s fun to do, as opposed to those normal “Invest in your IRA, pay off credit card debt” list we normally get.
    @darkblast93: I prefer to use the ones in strip clubs or casinos.

  15. urban_ninjya says:

    Buy the most expensive house you can afford on Interest Only lones.

  16. rbb says:

    @zsouthboy:

    They don’t have those at Costco. You must have gotten them at BJ’s wholesale Club….

  17. emax4 says:

    Get attracted to an agressive cosmetic saleslady at the mall kiosk, buy her a $300 cellphone when she asks you to buy it for her, buy $1100 worth of cosmetics from her in hopes that she’ll like you, then when she does call just let her talk to you about upcoming cosmetic products that will be available.

    Put it all on your credit card (including the $300 phone and $1100 cosmetics) like you do your groceries and only pay the minimum. Don’t forget that you are only working two part-time jobs that pay slightly more than minimum wage.

    Thankfully this didn’t happen to me but rather an ex-friend of a friend. When the guy told us what he did, it was one of those instances where someone does something so stupid, you can’t even think of a comeback or reasoning of the entire situation. I recommended doing a chargeback on the credit card but the guy (who’s 30 years old,a virgin, and never really had a girlfriend) didn’t want to do that.

  18. superqueen23 says:

    Now if only my friend that does all this stuff and won’t take my subtle hints wouldn’t get totally offended by me sending this to her…

  19. shari says:

    Don’t think about your career; you can always find a job somewhere. Like, temping is great – low responsibility, and you get to move around and try different things. So what if the pay is crap, and there are no benefits?

    If you need money, buy lottery tickets! You’re bound to win sometime.

  20. timmus says:

    12. Buy a new car every four years. Hell, take a look on the road at all those 2003-2005 models surrounding you… you can see that almost everyone does these days. So get on the bandwagon! What else offers such a great return on your investment than a new car?

  21. dlmarcou says:

    My God…this is my wife!!!

  22. shari says:

    To follow up on my own comment, I strongly feel that many people who “stay broke” are just as much underemployed (i.e. stuck in a low-paying job and not thinking in terms of growing a career), as they are overspending.

    Similarly, another way to stay broke is to keep going back to school for another degree, or to stay in graduate school indefinitely (the ABD path).

  23. JuliusJefferson says:

    Whenever I use the little gas station ATM, I at least take out a good bit of money. $1.50 is a lot smaller percentage of $100 than $20. But I DO have to use these ATMs occasionally.

  24. Three words: Bill Me Later

  25. Meg Marco says:

    @JuliusJefferson: No, no, no. Get $20 5 times a week. You’re doing this all wrong. You’ll save money by doing it your way!

  26. no.no.notorious says:

    ever read the book “how to ruin your financial life” by ben stein?


    same idea. hilarious book. you can picture him reading it to you

  27. Wormfather says:

    @gorckat:

    ….and we have a winner

  28. mrwok says:

    When i beat somebody down, i use a sack full of $1 coins, rather than nickels. then i let them keep the sack, you know, to remember me by.

    Also i try to decrease global warming by facing my air conditioner out instead of in. nature loves it!

  29. Wormfather says:

    @zsouthboy:

    Actually, I’m sorry, you win.

  30. mishy says:

    Hey, the $1.50 gas station ATM fee is certainly better than the $3.00 B of A fee if you can’t get to your own bank!

  31. ellmar says:

    don’t stop at buying the biggest house “you can afford” – buy the biggest house they will allow you to buy. that goes for the biggest, most expensive car they will allow you to drive off the lot as well. if the banks and finance companies didn’t have your best interests at heart they wouldn’t let you buy the McMansion nor the Hummer in the first place, right? repeat the following affirmation to yourself several times every hour. . . “I am what I buy.”

  32. Hoss says:

    Have children, lots of them

  33. Never, EVER, shop around for the best deal. Always buy the first version of the product or service you come across. Shopping around wastes time; why go somewhere else when the thing you want is right there? Always pay for whatever warranty, service plan, accessories, upgrades, etc. are offered. If you didn’t need it they wouldn’t offer it, right?

  34. Nytmare says:

    I never knew high-yield savings accounts existed until last year. You’ve got your checking and your savings; it was a surprise to learn the existence of a second savings option that’s basically the same thing but with a higher interest rate. It’s not intuitive. Maybe it’s just my CU, but I think more could be done to educate people about the options that are readily available to them.

  35. gafpromise says:

    #5- using the gas station ATMs

    Yes but speaking of gas stations…is the amount of gas you’ll spend driving out of your way to find a fee- free ATM worth saving the $1.50?

  36. ellmar says:

    Be the first one to buy any new technology. Stand in line, or better yet, PAY someone else to stand in line for you, so that you can get a crack at it first. First is best, and worth paying extra for.

    Never read the fine print before you sign a contract. If it was important the print would be bigger.

  37. rouftop says:

    Be the first on your block to have the high tech gadget. Brag to your friends about having a DVD player before you could rent DVD’s, a plasma TV when everyone else was “stuck in analog,” and digital hi-def cable while your poor friends only had 24 channels. And you definitely need a quad-core CPU for sending email.

  38. Skiffer says:

    @vanilla-fro: @TechnoDestructo: @joeblevins: @gorckat: @zsouthboy:
    Best comment thread…EVER!!!

  39. venterminator says:

    Always protect your investment with a full service plan and extended warranty. 20.00 remote controller? Be sure it never goes bad by giving an additional 10.00 to protect it. Spend a couple grand on your vehicle to ensure the powertrain stays in working order, better to spend the money up front and in full “in case” it breaks than get hit with the repair bill if it actually does break sometime down the road, when that same money would’ve withered away in an interest bearing savings account!

    Oh, and to absolutely GUARANTEE you stay broke, simply go out and get yourself a girlfriend / fiancee. Especially if she mentions a Coach or Dooney and Burke handbag during your first conversation.

  40. missdona says:

    @rouftop:

    Don’t forget the Blu-Ray and HD-DVD players and disks

    You never know who’s going to win the format war and you have to be prepared!

  41. ShadeWalker says:

    having a girlfriend is quite expensive.

  42. Jim says:

    Can’t believe no one added this one:

    “NEVER pack a lunch, go out everyday because carrying a grocery bag with a lasagna-refilled Cool Whip bowl makes you feel stupid”

    Or:

    “Never park more than a block away from wherever you’re going. Walking is for chumps and any parking spot without a meter is for homeless people to pee in.”

    And my favorite:

    “Always buy a gym membership because those 4 days you want to work out this year will be stressful enough without having to walk up actual stairs or ride an actual bicycle. Actually, buy a new bicycle – one Lance Armstrong rode, and hire a coach and go buy all the expensive gear because you liked biking when you were a kid.”

  43. geeniusatwrok says:

    nonono, “buy” a house then when the 2005 “appraisal” says it’s worth $150,000 more than you bought at, cha-ching! cash out that equity and buy the toys of your dreams! do NOT pay off any debt with this, because it’s yours and you deserve it! no srsly!!

    which explains all the Corvettes, Harleys, ATVs, snowmobiles, boats, house trailers, Hummers and all that other shit parked on lawns all over the country along with the vacation houses and speculation condos with “For Sale” signs on em. might as well add “oh pretty please buy my stupid plunging-value shit I’ll be paying off for 30 years”.

    that’s a guaranteed way to make sure you stay broke and there’s millions of em out there.

  44. Morton Fox says:

    Go to a casino. That has ruined some people I know. Or bet big on the horses.

  45. aka Cat says:

    @shari: Lottery tickets! Those are an excellent retirement fund. Buy several every week. And buy a couple with the same numbers on them, just in case you have to split the money with other identical tickets.

    @Rectilinear Propagation: I don’t know… should you really buy the first whatever-it-is you see? What if it’s not the best one?? You’d better check a few places at least, and buy the one that’s the most expensive. After all, if it’s more expensive it must be better, right?

    And don’t let the fact that it’s the same model number fool you, if it’s $20 more, then obviously Macy’s must carry a higher quality thingamajig than Target.

  46. Jim says:

    Oh! Forgot! Be a snob too. Insist on drinking imported beer (or domestic microbrews if you must stoop) and water. Belittle those who do not share your refined sensibilities when they offer you anything you could get at a public sporting event. Only purchase these beverages in popular nightclubs and restaurants.

  47. alicetheowl says:

    If you can’t afford it and the credit cards are maxed out, take out an unsecured loan. Look at all the free money this person’s just GIVING you!

    You totally CAN budget on money you’re not making yet. Think of all the raises you’ll be getting in the unspecified future!

    Your job? TOTALLY a sure thing; you’ll never lose it! So slack off, go online all day, and give your boss a hearty, “Piss off,” if he mentions it. He doesn’t really care what you’re doing at your desk, anyway.

    Move all over the country to find that elusive job market you’ve always dreamed of. Something will come up, right?

    Don’t even THINK about renter’s insurance. Fires never happen in apartment buildings. NEVER. For that matter, don’t get any insurance you’re not required to by law. That stuff never happens; it’s all a scam to get your money. Just don’t even waste your precious time on researching whether it’s worth it.

  48. kaikhor says:

    My husband is one of those ATM people. What drives me really crazy is that if he turns right from the road he works off of, our bank is a block away. If he turns left, the gas station (where he’s picking up breakfast or whatever) is two blocks away. He will ALWAYS use the ATM in the gas station, because it’s “out of his way” to go to the bank….

    As for suggestions to go broke. Why go grocery shopping? It’s so much more convenient to run to the local fast food place. On the rare occassion you need some food in your house, the gas station down the street has a good selection of beer and chips, right?

    Also, you must choose the job that pays $1.50 more an hour but is a 1.5 hour drive 1 way, than the one 3 blocks from your house (I live in SoCal, this is very typical and I just don’t get it…)

  49. RandomHookup says:

    And probably most importantly…care what other people think. After all, it’s everyone else’s opinion of you that determines your worth in the world.

    Shopping at a discount store? No way.
    Using a coupon? Absolutely ghetto.
    Dressing your kids in hand-me-down baby clothes? Sketchy beyond words.

  50. ekthesy says:

    Don’t ever make your own coffee, because, like, it takes way too long for the water to heat up and then drip through the filter. I mean, come on. One drop at a time?! I’m a busy person!

    Hello, hipster Starbucks employee! One triple-caf, non-fat caramel grande, no ice in an unwashed cup. $4.86? No problem! I just got some cash at the gas station.

  51. Leah says:

    Here’s a few:

    -> Don’t bother changing your primary care physician. You only go to the doctor every once in awhile. What’s the big difference between a $15 copay and a $30 copay?

    -> Don’t you dare sign up for an online movie subscription for unlimited rentals. It’s sooo much nicer to go browse at Blockbuster and pay full price for your rentals. Nevermind about “Total Access.”

    -> Who washes dishes these days? Disposable plates have gotten really sturdy. Just use those.

    -> Don’t keep anything for contingencies in your car. Empty trunk is totally worth it. If it starts to rain, you can just run by Walmart and buy a new jacket/umbrella. While you’re at it, lose the spare or don’t bother to learn how to use it — tow truck companies are 24 hours for a reason.

    (scarily, I know people who fall into all of these categories.)

  52. Mike1970 says:

    Smoke. 3 packs a day. And never buy cartons, just buy your packs one at a time. Not only is it cheap at $4 a pack, but I’m sure there will be national health care to handle the chemotherapy bills by the time you get cancer.

  53. Secularsage says:

    #x+1: Buy a house on an “interest only loan”. Because, after all, paying interest only is just like paying rent, right? And you get to “own” a house!

    #x+2: Don’t buy a car; lease it! It saves you all the trouble of having to actually own one. And, when your lease is up, just lease another one!

    #x+3: Lower that deductible by paying more for your insurance! After all, who wants to have to pay $500 when they have a car accident? $200 seems so much more convenient…

  54. @CatMoran: Oooh, good point.

  55. trpnbillie11 says:

    When you get the email from the Nigerian prince who wants to give you his fortune only if you send him your bank information, DO IT!

    I mean seriously, how nice of this guy! He just wants to share his good fortune…and with your bank information he can automatically transfer it so you don’t have to WAIT for a check (that is SO 20th century).

  56. Crazytree says:

    buy the following in this order:

    -Louis Vuitton bag
    -Mercedes C-Class
    -Versace sunglasses

  57. Doxidan, Gentle Doxidan says:

    I’ve got a great formula:

    1) Buy an overvalued home you cannot afford. Make sure there is nothing distinctive about the home or its neighborhood that might improve or retain its value. A pop-up palace is best.

    2) Get your financing from a lender that advertises on sports radio. Make sure it’s a variable rate mortgage that includes a nice balloon payment. Optional: Some of these guys advertising on sports radio are offering 50-year mortgages. Get one of those. Make sure there’s a huge prepayment penalty.

    3) Make sure the house is nowhere near where you work and, ideally, includes a good hour to 1:15 commute one-way on hopelessly congested roads. Drive alone to not take advantage of carpool lanes.

    4) Make sure you drive an SUV or other fuel inefficient car.

    I think I’ve just described at least 40 percent of the Bay Area of California.

  58. nffcnnr says:

    +Share you money with your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse. It helps if you have a joint checking account and don’t tell one another about your transactions.
    +Use your refridgerator to cool your kitchen when you’re boiling a fresh live lobster for a midnite snack. And throw away leftovers.
    +Pay full retail for clothing and personal care items. The clearance racks and Dollar General are for losers.
    +Don’t balance your checkbook. Go by feel.
    +Buy music CDs instead of putting forth a little effort to get them free on the internet. That’s how the RIAA likes it, sucker.

  59. The Bigger Unit says:

    Never drink at home; always go out to the clubs and bars for $7.00 rum and Cokes, and $5.50 shots of Jager.

  60. JayXJ says:

    Never fix anything! Sitting on the floor getting sweaty trying to get a washing machine to work again is for suckers. RTO will GIVE you a new one for only $29 a week!

    Don’t fix your own car. Why get a starter at Autozone for $39 when a mechanic can change it for $200? Grease is just icky.

    Pay for pet insurance.

    You must stay at the classy hotels when travelling. Why WOULDN”T you pay for a pool and dinner service you won’t use because you’re checking in at 0100 hours?

    Don’t load that moving truck yourself. Hire people.

  61. Snakeophelia says:

    Make sure the goal of your wedding is not to affirm your love for one another nor to bring your family and friends together in joy but to IMPRESS YOUR PEERS. Make sure you buy everything that David’s Bridal pushes on you. Read those 700-page bridal magazines cover to cover (after paying for them, of course) and fall for all the suggestions of additional “requirements”. Let your fiance know that nothing short of 2 carats is acceptable and make sure Mommy and Daddy know that the rehearsal dinner better be scheduled at a 4-star restaurant. Rule of thumb: If you haven’t spent an amount for your wedding that is at least as high as a down payment on a first home, then you’re just not doing it right.

    And be sure to put it all on your credit card.

  62. LipstickLibrarian says:

    @JayP71: “Don’t load that moving truck yourself. Hire people.”

    After moving over two dozen times in my young life, I can say that hiring movers the last time I relocated was $250 well spent.

  63. cv says:

    That booze and those hookers. Yeah, you need them. In Vegas. Really.

  64. envador says:

    !!! Be sure to subscribe to and/or actively browse all the TECH DEALS and BARGAIN websites. That four-pack of mini LED flashlights is a really good deal! And so are all those other useless gadgets that are on sale!

  65. JayXJ says:

    @LipstickLibrarian:

    Movers in your area must be cheaper. I’m in the middle of a move and about had a heart attack from the quote, prompting my comment. :)

  66. howie_in_az says:

    Don’t subscribe to RSS feeds for websites like DealMeIn.net, DealHack.com or the like, just buy things you want when they’re not on sale!

    Taking your spouse for a nice night out? Don’t bother getting certificates from sites like Restaurant.com, pay full price for your meal every time!

    (I don’t work for any of the abovementioned sites, nor do I get a kickback from them)

  67. MissMissy says:

    Here’s a few:
    –Buy yourself a treat with any bonuses, tax returns, or unexpected money you get–this money is a reward, so you should buy yourself a reward instead of putting the extra money in investment/retirement accounts. Bonus: you’re strengthening the economy, right?

    –Don’t ever, ever save for a household item you want. Why put away small amounts of money over time when you can put that new living room set on the good ole’ credit card–or better yet, the store’s financing program?

    –Always buy individually-sized snack packs. Why buy a three pound bag of pretzels for $1.50 and split it up when you can buy a “90-calorie” single serving pack for $1.00? Besides, the itsy-bitsy packages are cute!

    –Generic brands are for losers! Pharmaceuticals, health care products, beauty products…sure, they SAY they have the same ingredients…but when the generic packaging isn’t as pretty, how can it be true?

    –Thrift stores are for the desperate. What? There’s a pair of designer pants for $2-$4? But they’ve been WORN. Yeah, you know that once you put on those $80 brand-new pants, they’ll be worn too, but it’s by YOU. Washing machines can never get out the filth of another human being.

    –Why get paper towels at your regular grocery store when you can pick them up at a high end grocery store? The shopping environment is just NICER you see…

    *sigh* Unfortunately, I know people with all of the above attitudes.

  68. MissMissy says:

    @Snakeophelia: Oh, and don’t even think about having a wedding in the off season to save money on nearly everything. Or on an off day/time (not a Saturday or in the late afternoon-evening). What would people think of you then?

    Oh, and destination weddings: all the rage. Why not help your family to stay broke as well by making them all fly to Italy for your “I do”?

    Don’t even THINK about connecting with wedding website groups/message boards to share bulk costs on favors–or to get used wedding gear. Everything must be NEW and your OWN because it’s YOUR DAY.

  69. CreativeLinks says:

    tip #21

    Christmas comes only once a year! Make sure everyone you know (and we mean everyone) gets a (tip, card, mail order food basket,etc.)

    And please don’t just send a card or a thoughtful homemade gift–send out $25 Gift Cards!

    You don’t want to be a Scrooge, right? After all….its Christmas.

  70. Echodork says:

    Take some classes! But only stuff you’re like, REALLY interested in. Like Greek History, or speaking Chinese. You might need to work fewer hours though, especially if there are cute girls (or guys) in the class. You don’t want to miss out!

    Don’t record your transactions! You know what’s a pain in the butt? Writing down every little dollar you spend. Just call your bank’s 800 number every other week or so and keep tabs on your balance that way.

    More credit cards! A few weeks ago, the credit card I use got maxed out. It stressed me out at first, but then I realized that I get like five free credit card offers a day in the mail. Now I’ve got six cards, a $40,000 credit limit, and a bunch of totally cool new stuff!

    Shop for convenience! Seriously, why run all over town? Department stores sell, like, everything. Clothes, shoes, CDs, stuff for the house. You can have all your shopping done in an hour, which is great because you’ll have SO much more time to decompress. And let’s be honest, you deserve it.

    Don’t worry about taxes! Always put the maximum number of deductions possible on your tax forms. Why would you want the government taking MORE of your paycheck away? Keep that cash for yourself! And in April, when you get that phat tax check, you can use it as a down payment on a new HD TV or some seriously bumping new rims.

    Shop online! Now you don’t even have to leave your house to buy stuff. They’ll send it right to you! Amazon, Best Buy, heck even Wal-Mart. When you get bored, just browse around the internet, and you’re sure to see something you can buy that’ll cheer you right up :)

  71. weetstraw says:

    live in the suburbs…

  72. shades_of_blue says:

    I loved number 10, I’m going to send this blog to a couple friends.

  73. Rick Dobbs says:

    Don’t price compare Hey, your favorite store has it and you want it, why look anywhere else to see if you can get a better price? Plus, it’s a name-brand store that you can impress your friends when you tell them you got it there. Just like when you got those Monster Cables!

  74. tgos2012 says:

    Go shopping for a designer pet from a breeder, overlook all of the health problems associated with intensely bred dogs, perpetuate an industry raking in cash churning out living animals that are going to substandard, uncaring homes, and pay outrageous vet costs, or pet cremation costs, and and AND always buy a puppy because you will never be able to bond with an adult dog living (and waiting) at the local humane society.

  75. deweydecimated says:

    @nffcnnr:

    Wait, go ahead and save the money from not buying CDs – put it in your RIAA self-defense fund!

    Gawd I heart emusic.

  76. AndyFromTucson says:

    Make all spending decisions based on how much you want it. I’m worth it!

  77. MrGromit says:

    Acquire expensive hobbies such as smoking cigars. Then buy singles.

    And while you’re enjoying your refined tastes, start reviewing beers on a place like RateBeer.com and get your review count *way* up to impress everyone else on the board. And hey, have you ever tried *really* good Single-Malt Whiskey?

    Oh, throw in some fantastic wines, too.

    Man, I really do wish I hadn’t started everything above…

  78. asherchang says:

    “If you don’t have each and every single one of them you will be so depressed that you may actually die. Don’t take the risk.”

    Oh noes!

  79. foobarf00 says:

    Go to Ebay.com and become the highest bidder on the stuff you want. You can’t let others get the things you really need, are you? Also when you need something go to ThemBid.com and choose the highest bidder with the lowest rating.

  80. jrdnjstn78 says:

    Always, always, always buy an extended warranty for everything you buy!!! You just need it for that solar powered RC car you bought.

    Never argue with the cashier if something is rung up over the amount you thought it was. You don’t want to stress the cashier out!

    Go buy that expensive item with the mail-in rebate. you will eventually get that rebate back in about 3-4 months if ever.

    Never shop at places that sell used things like second hand or consignment shops or places like Gamestop or even garage sales and clearance racks at stores. It’s just not cool and your friends would surely know if you did shop at those places.

  81. North of 49 says:

    Use something like EasyHome to “buy” your furniture and whatnot at “convenient rental prices.”

    spending 8$/week for 104 weeks for a Wii doesn’t seem that bad until you realize that the cost is 4 times what it would have cost you if you had saved up for one.

  82. bglav says:

    I would put ‘buying new cars’ above many of these.

    You’d be upset if you lost 30% in an investment. why is it OK to lose it in a car?

  83. dohtem says:

    Tear up all receipts as soon as you get home from the store. That return policy is just a hassle anyway. Besides, only poor people return stuff to the store.

  84. Kezzerxir says:

    Why don’t you just say “Don’t be an American”.

  85. Smooty says:

    You need Madden 08.

    Yes, yes I do. Disposable income rules.

  86. Soundinnovation says:

    Oh, and don’t forget to always pay 1.75 for your soda or iced tea when you go out to eat every other day. I mean, you have to have something to drink right? And water is just for poor people.

  87. Dblowe says:

    Don’t cook any of your own meals. Don’t even bother to learn how. Sure, if you have friends that will be impressed, you should go out and buy the $300 pro-style stock pot and the rest of the gear, but you’re actually going to eat real food (restaurant food!), right?

    Why pay 79 cents a pound for an icky raw chicken when you can pay ten times as much for one that a nice chef cooked for you already? And, as pointed out above, don’t forget the booze while you’re having it!

  88. MercuryPDX says:

    @CreativeLinks: Actually, I try to do right by everyone at Christmas because it’s too much of a hassle to remember the birthdays of all my friends and their children. It gets it all out of the way at once.

  89. welsey says:

    Never return anything on time.

    Fines from the library (especially if you take out A/V stuff) and the video store really do add up. It might seem stupid and insignificant, but not caring about paying that extra amount is just another part of being careless with money.

  90. cricketsoda says:

    Oh man…kinda sounds like me. No wonder I am so hungry.

  91. Sonnymooks says:

    Re #1 and #6.

    Get drunk and go on ebay or amazon.com, loads of fun there for ya.

  92. FLConsumer says:

    What’s up with #5 on the gas station ATMs? If it’s in your network (as many stations are with my ING Direct ATM card), they’re fee-free.

    That should read avoid Bank of America ATMs since they’re charging $3 for foreign bank ATM cards now.

  93. alachua says:

    X+1.) Don’t worry about paying your bills on time. Seriously, late fees probably shouldn’t apply to you anyway. Just tell them you never got the statement…they’ll totally believe that, and if not, its only like forty bucks.

    X+2.)When ever you drive on the highway, make sure you do not show weakness by driving in the right lane. To ensure everyone knows that YOU are the most important person on the road, accelerate to the bumper of the car in front of you, wait for them to move over, and rocket ahead to the next car. Only suckers drive a constant speed, or use cruise control. Besides, think of the time you’ll save.

    X+3.) Don’t bother being on time. Work is cool, I mean, its only fifteen minutes here and there. They don’t make a fuss, so why bother getting there on time. Plus, you work pretty hard, so you should probably cut out early.

    X+4.) Going to a ball game? Better get the best seat available. You can hardly see from the outfield anyway. Oh, and don’t bother taking the subway, it is way easier to take your car and pay to park. Actually, you should buy the tickets a few months in advance, make sure to get enough just in case every one of your friends gets the night off and can make it.

    X+5.) Sleep is for the elderly. Just grab a few RedBulls, you’ll be good to go. Think of all the important stuff you get done not sleeping.

    X+6.) Don’t ever manage your finances online. Seriously, the second you put your password in, some dude has your info and will totally take your identity and all your cash. Besides, why would you want to worry about how much money you have, or bother electronically paying bills…remember that time you saw that smoking chick mailing out your bills at the post office. She’s bound to be there again, and this time, she is yours.

    X+7.) Your out, treat yourself. Make sure you get an appetizer, plus I hear they have great soup. Oh, get that huge plate of food. Who cares if you can barely move, or if you didn’t finish half your meal, their pie is fantastic. To go container? What are you, some sort of hobo?

    X+8.) Put 93 octane in your car. Who even knows what the manual recommends. Besides, its more expensive, it has to work better. Oh, and don’t bother grabbing a jug of windshield washer…or even checking. I mean, thats like 80 cents. They’ll totally have it in the middle of winter when you can barely see out of your salt covered windshield.

  94. Dabo says:

    Just these 2 and you’re guaranteed to stay broke:

    11. Become a compulsive gambler.
    12. Borrow money from Luigi whenever needed.

  95. Havok154 says:

    Don’t you need like $20k to put into a high interest savings account? As a mid-20 year old who is currently paying off debts, I don’t think I’ll be able to swing that for a while.

  96. tdave365 says:

    Don’t keep your tires properly inflated.

    I experimented with this. Between fill-ups, when my gauge hit the ‘E’ (or very close to it), I’d have driven 162 to 169 miles. This was the usual miles driven for three documented efforts on tires that were basically let go.

    I then filled the tires up to their proper pressure of at least 40 PSI, each. The NEXT time my odometer read 162 miles, I had a HALF TANK left. Dramatic and true.

  97. thedreamingtree says:

    Also, “Watch lots of television, especially the commercials, and read loads of magazines, so that you can feel socially inadequate if you don’t have all the latest stuff you didn’t ever know that you needed.”

  98. rjamesd says:

    Feel inadequate by staying friends with a self-absorbed, one-up-man-ship old school “friend” who now earns mega bucks in the Big City. Go out spending mega bucks drinking with him in town at the weekend. Then on Monday at your decent ordinary job in your provincial town daydream about being like him and poison your mind against your own blessings, installing a bad attitude to your job and then lose it.

  99. alchemism says:

    So with all this constant obsessing over how not to waste money, when do you actually get to have FUN in life before you DIE and have NO money?


    Once you are sensibly retired?

  100. acambras says:

    @Havok154:

    Don’t you need like $20k to put into a high interest savings account?

    Nope. I opened my ING Orange Savings account with a starting deposit of $10 (www.ingdirect.com).

  101. acambras says:

    @tdave365:

    Tires that are properly inflated last longer, too. I’m not an expert, but my understanding is that you’re more prone to blowouts when tires aren’t properly inflated. When money’s tight, it sucks to have to spend money on new tires.

  102. Instigator says:

    Pimp your ride. Buy dubs that cost as much for the set of four as a reasonably priced car itself. Invest in Lambo doors, a body kit and all the audio/video gear you can jam inside. Who cares if you live in a roach-infested apartment?

  103. fattylawman1 says:

    Who the hell says Pizza Rolls are not a necessary item?

  104. gtr225 says:

    As far as Gas Station ATM’s: People on here claim that going to the bank is too far and they need money now and then. Well if you had a budget then you could go to the bank once a week or less and take out the cash you need at once.

  105. fugly says:

    Here’s a great one:

    After having a baby just to keep up with the other moms to be in the office/social circle, make sure to only buy the best of everything while junior is in his/her formative years, because he/she will really appreciate the designer jeans, one off hand made rattle and $/£2-300 crib before they can even speak…

    srsly, my SO has seen this first hand at her office – “I just HAVE to have that Jasper Conran designed rattle because it’s so crucial to his development….”

    Sheesh

  106. gtr225 says:

    Everyone forgot a great way to stay broke, Rent-a-Center! Why save up and buy something when you could pay three times the price over the course of a few years. I mean besides, who wants to wait when you can have it now!

  107. pestie says:

    @B: I’ve used ATM’s in both strip clubs and casinos, and if I remember correctly, the casino fees weren’t that bad. They know they’re going to get your money in the end anyway. The strip club, however? Yeah, uh… That’s the only time in my life I ever paid a $10 ATM fee. But it was so worth it.

  108. gtr225 says:

    @Havok154: I have an HSBC Direct Savings Account with 5% interest and it has no minimum balance or service charges.

  109. Moosehawk says:

    Actually, reading this probably just saved me about $55 from spending it on a concert. I don’t really need to go all that bad.

    Which reminds me, don’t forget friends pressuring you into buying things! Mostly food.

  110. superqueen23 says:

    Don’t ever use coupons. While they may save you tons of money, you don’t want people to judge you for having them. Anyone who sees you with them will totally think you’re poor and not thrifty and smart.

  111. chargernj says:

    @GAFPROMISE: AT 07/31/07 02:27 PM

    #5- using the gas station ATMs

    Yes but speaking of gas stations…is the amount of gas you’ll spend driving out of your way to find a fee- free ATM worth saving the $1.50?

    Yes it is, at least in my gas guzzling 93 Gran Marquis (hate the milage and environmental impact but I must admit it’s comfortable). Cost me about .23 cents per mile to drive

  112. skwirl says:

    I’ve always made a below-average wage and I’ve managed a lot better than my peers who: 1) Drove everywhere. 2) Smoked. 3) Thought socializing == going to a bar.

  113. Nick says:

    Get to know everyone at Check City by name. You don’t want those guys to feel lonely, and let’s be honest, who couldn’t use a couple extra friends? Plus, if you go visit them every day, they’ll give you cash every day! It’s not like you are taking out a loan, you are just getting an advance on the money you are already going to be making. Come on, it’s not like you’ll ever get fired or laid off or anything like that since “the economy” is soooo hot right now, or something like that. Oh, and since there is no limit to the maximum loan amount in Utah and Nevada, advance as much as you want! That’s right, unlimited cash! Always choose the 7 day advance and extend it as many times as possible. What’s the fun in taking a 35 day loan when you can take a 7 day loan and extend it 4 times — where’s the risk in that?

    Just remember, you can’t put a price on having cold hard cash now. It’s seriously worth the 886.43% APR.

  114. gtr225 says:

    Don’t do your taxes yourself, pay someone else to click a computer mouse for you. Also don’t forget, always take the tax return instant refund loan. I mean the interest rates are ridiculous, but who wants to wait 9 days (w/e-file + direct deposit) for their tax refund? We need that money now so we can just as quickly piss it away!

  115. chikimommy says:

    Don’t have kids of your own? Buy your nieces and nephews everything Mommy & Daddy can’t and won’t. After all, you have to be their favorite Aunt/Uncle or they won’t even remember you!

    Buy everything in bulk! Pay that $40-50 a year fee to spend the extra money for the 500 toilet paper roll package that will take you 2 years to use up and it’s price $.05 cheaper at the dollar store. You never want to ran out and have to walk the block up to get it.

    Buy all your necessities at 7-11! Pay $4.00 for that 2 oz jar of spaguetti sauce you need for dinner! Oh, sorry, times 3 because you have company! Why plan your meals and purchase groceries for the week?

    Make sure you have an errand to run everyday. Don’t plan an errand route. Drive to everything even if it is next door.

  116. synergy says:

    @chargernj: You made me curious how much it costs me per mile to buy a monthly bus pass to get to work. It costs me about 7¢/mi (4.5¢/km). Not bad!

  117. Elviswasntmyhero says:

    Saving money is un-American.

  118. larrys1690 says:

    When you’re bidding on something on Ebay, don’t do any research on the item you want – like the list price or anything… The important thing is to beat all the other bidders!!!
    It doesn’t matter that you just bid $100 + shipping for an item you could buy new for half the price at your local Kmart (or whatever)…

  119. m.ravian says:

    you know, speaking of moving…

    if you had a heart attack over the price of professional movers, try asking your landlord, or the neighbors or your friends if they know anyone looking to pick up a couple bucks. i just moved this past weekend and i hired two guys who my landlord knew and paid them $50 cash each for about two hours of work.

  120. amckinle says:

    Never put change in your parking meter. I mean, no one ever checks, and a parking ticket is only like $20 bucks anyways.

  121. chargernj says:

    @synergy: starting in November I have signed up to take public trans. Save my car for the weekends and short trips to the store.

  122. workjob85 says:

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