Religious Action Figures Are Coming To Walmart

Talking Jesus dolls will make their Walmart debut early next month as part of a spiffy new line of religious action figures. Walmart claims it is responding to the needs of kids who want to ditch their G.I. Joe for a Samson, and will only stock the religious toys in stores where the bible is a best-seller. Walmart has always catered to the family values crowd, but that hasn’t stopped some Christian ministers from questioning Walmart’s faith:

“They’ll carry anything that sells,” says David Croyle, president of FamilyLife, a non-denominational ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. “This simply signals intelligent buying within Wal-Mart.”

For David Socha, CEO of One2believe, it’s a dream come true. “Our goal is to give the faith-based community an alternative to Bratz dolls and Spider-Man,” he says.

The toys are based on biblical stories. For example, there’s a set of 3-inch figures based on Daniel in the lion’s den for about $7. A 12-inch talking Jesus doll is about $15. And 14-inch Samson or Goliath action figures are about $20.

Notably absent from the lineup: Sodom and Gomorra action figures.

Wal-Mart Gets Religious – Toys, That Is [USA Today]
(Photo: one2believe)

Comments

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  1. PsychicPsycho3 says:

    Where can I get biblical-era steroids?

  2. thats quite a “come from behind” move, dontcha think?

  3. Ray Wert Jr says:

    @PsychicPsycho3: Pray to God.

  4. WindowSeat says:

    Everything old is new again. I had a Noah’s Ark play set when I was a kid. The animals and ark were given out at Arco gasoline stations when you filled up, it took forever to collect the whole set.(And no, Young Earth Creationists; no dinosaurs)

  5. etinterrapax says:

    Seems like a better guess than the skinny jeans, anyhow. “Intelligent buying” is flattery.

  6. Skiffer says:

    You’re saying I can get my own personal 12″ Jesus? Does he come with a crucifixion kit? Or action nunchakus?

  7. @WindowSeat:

    did they ever make communist party action figures? I’d love to rock Stalin in my glove compartment

  8. roche says:

    My god only shops at K-Mart

  9. ptkdude says:

    Since it will be a Wal-Mart, I sure hope the talking Jesus doll says “Thou shalt not steal”.

  10. yasth says:

    The real question is what does Jesus say?

    Oh wait the real question is how long till a hacked cursing rapping Jesus appears on youtube?

  11. WindowSeat says:

    @discounteggroll: There was a recall of the Communist Party figures, children kept injuring themselves with the Leon Trotsky Assassination Ice Axe.

  12. Can I get an Abraham with infanticide action, Pontius Pilot with scourging whip, Adam and Eve before they took a bite from an iPhone, Jesus with refillable blood reservoir (for crucifixions and very personal communion) and crown of thorns action Frisbee, regurgitating whale with Jonah surprise, Noah and the 50 Million paired species on the ark, and, hey!… that package isn’t empty, it’s filled with the Holy Spirit.

    I already have the Ark of the Covenant from my Indiana Jones playset. I can’t wait for the Muslim and Mormon editions which are sure to follow soon.

    Thank you Wal-Mart!!!

  13. j-o-h-n says:

    Will there be a song of solomon section?

  14. Steel_Pelican says:

    I’ve never met a kid who’d rather play with a Jesus doll than a G.I. Joe. I’ve met plenty of parents who’d rather have their kids play with Jesus dolls than G.I. Joe. And their kids always turn out so well-adjusted.

    I can’t wait for the follow-up, equal opportunity religious cash-in dolls. An Abraham & Isaac 2-pack, and a special edition Muhammad figure. Wait. Maybe not the Muhammad figure.

  15. Caprica Six says:

    @yasth: It’s only a matter of time with a hacked Jesus spouting obscenities alongside the 12 apostles!

  16. no.no.notorious says:

    yeah that’s a little strange for walmart

    i just don’t like that most people will be buying them just for the novelty aspect

  17. Toof_75_75 says:

    @Skiffer:

    Isn’t there a song about this?! Depeche Mode called this some time ago… “Your own personal Jesus” [www.lyricsfreak.com]

  18. @WindowSeat:

    ah, I thought that was recalled because the included flask of vodka turned out to be poisonous

  19. Skiffer says:

    @Steel_Pelican: Every action figure needs a super-villain to fight…I guess that’s where the Mohamed and Buddha dolls fit in…

  20. Youthier says:

    Goliath is an alternative to Bratz Dolls? How?

  21. ARP says:

    The bible has some good action stories, so I don’t mind the action figures to go with it. But once the kids recreate the bible story, what else will they do? If they’re anything like I was, they’re going to tape a few fircrackers to Jesus and blow his arm off. Or have Peter fight Cobra Commander (Cobra Commander would take Peter out in a second). Or run Paul over with a Tank…you see where I’m going. PS- If Christainity is the correct religion, I am so going to hell for this post.

  22. DeeJayQueue says:

    I want battle-damage Jesus.

  23. Bye says:

    That’s one hot picture.

    Anyway, Archie McPhee (woo Seattle!) has been selling better Biblical action figures for eons: mcphee.com

  24. Starfury says:

    I hope they carry the “Buddy Jesus” as seen in Dogma.

  25. Ray Wert Jr says:

    @Steel_Pelican: It’s the parents with the money.

  26. Pelagius says:

    This is just Walmart going after the profitable 20-35 year old “irony-based shopping” demographic.

  27. droidd says:

    Archie McPhee has been offering up their Jesus action figures for many years. I wonder if Wal-Mart will have such creative ones.
    Check them out
    [www.mcphee.com]

  28. rmz says:

    Man, Jesus was RIPPED.

  29. gibsonic says:

    But will they be able to be sold on Sunday? “Buying” Jesus on a Sunday just sounds wrong.

    Who knew the consumerist was full of a bunch of cynical disrespectful hethens?! :P

    Hopefully for you all they won’t ever have to come out with historically accurate versions of “Rapture Jesus” or “Apocalyptic Jesus” or “Judgement Jesus”.

    You all seem to have to have the same mentality as the people who do tax evasion. Sure you “might” get away with it, but is that really a gamble worth taking?

  30. boandmichele says:

    “faith-based” community? i love how outspoken christians think their religion is the only ‘faith’ out there. that is, i dont see any vishnu or buddha action figures. geocentric and religion-centric at the same time. impressive.

  31. acambras says:

    Maybe a Samson doll with cuttable and “regrowable” hair, like those old Barbies.

  32. gibsonic says:

    @boandmichele:

    “faith-based” is just an associative/descriptive tag apply to the largest majority group in a particular environment. “faith-based” in Israel would mean Jews, “faith-based” in Iraq would mean Muslim, “faith-based” in India would mean “Hindu” etc.

    Same reason why most people in the US say kleenex instead of facial tissue. Kleenex is just one brand but that brand in this culture/society has become synonymous with facial tissue.

    no reason to get all flustered.

  33. axiomatic says:

    Stop motion animation just became a whole lot more fun. Now I can piss off a whole nation of religious nutjobs. ;-)

  34. boandmichele says:

    @gibsonic: having grown up being smothered by christianity, it doesnt take much to fluster me. :)

  35. Skiffer says:

    @gibsonic: Hahahahaha….

  36. Thrust says:

    @discounteggroll: Don’t you recognize great religeous moments like the story of David in Goliath? Hehehe Buttsecks.

    @infinitemonkeys: You missed the Father McFeely catholic priest and altarboy playset, the Athiest’s Jesus action figure (which is pretty much an empty box), the “Nazi’s worshipped the same God playset” with 100 identical blonde-hair blue-eyed nazi action figures, and my personal favorites, the Religeous Bloopers Action Playsets… Dashing babies heads open on the rocks, persecution of the gays, persecution of the blacks, persecution of the protestants, persecution of the… Well, who didn’t the christians persecute. EVERYBODY gets a playset.

    Oh, the tickle-me-jesus should be out for Xmas.

    @Steel_Pelican: ME! ME me me me. I want Jesus instead of Joe. He’s bigger and I can melt more sticks into his corpse than a 6″ GI Joe figure.

    @Skiffer: Most popular villains series. Left-wing Liberal Man, Athiest Dude, Darwin (head of all antichrist forces), Pro-Choice Woman, The Abortionator, and Masturbates to images in Playboy guy.

    @DeeJayQueue: T-800 Terminator style battle-damage Jesus, or you-tube’s I Lit Tickle Me Elmo on Fire style battle-damage Jesus?

  37. disavow says:

    @Gibsonic: You’re referring to Pascal’s Wager. That argument was ripped to shreds centuries ago.

  38. I have a Job action figure dressed in rags with (really graphic) sores AND boils. I seriously can’t believe someone made a children’s toy like that. A friend of mine in seminary had a Jesus who came with “Loaves and Fishes!” (one for each hand) and had “blessing action” and was clearly made from the same toy mold that some “karate-chop action” action figure was made from.

    And the problem with Bible action figures is that the kind of parents who buy Bible action figure are usually the kind of parents who FREAK OUT when Jesus starts having sex with Barbie in their child’s playtime.

  39. gman863 says:

    Question: Since Wal-Mart has gone global, will their stores in Asia offer a Buddhist doll featuring Kung-Fu grip?

  40. @gibsonic: Oh please. SELLING (or making) Jesus dolls is a helluva lot more disrespectful than MOCKING Jesus dolls. Moneychangers in the temple, dude.

  41. Xenuite says:

    They were developing a Muhammad action figure in their WTC offices. They hope for a better reception this time.

  42. Heyref says:

    I don’t care if it rains of freezes
    ‘Long as I got my Plastic Jesus
    Riding on the dashboard of my car.
    Through my trials and tribulations
    And my travels through the nations
    With my Plastic Jesus I’ll go far.
    –Ernie Marrs

  43. gibsonic says:

    @disavow:

    if you say so.

  44. gibsonic says:

    @Eyebrows McGee:

    i guess sarcasm and tongue in cheek don’t convey well online sometimes.

  45. Steel_Pelican says:

    @gibsonic: We do. Pascal’s wager- “You’re better off believing in God, just in case He’s real.” Is crap, and it has been for centuries. Your argument that equates our apparent atheism/agnosticism with tax evasion sounds eerily similar to Pascal’s long-debunked wager.

  46. Nemesis_Enforcer says:

    @Steel_Pelican: Yeah those are the same ppl who spew thier drivel about purity and whatnot then show up on escort’s personal customer lists. I would rather have my son play with GI Joe, Transformers even a block of wood than a Jesus figure..Good thing I don’t go within 500 ft of a white trash mart..err Walmart I mean.

  47. @gibsonic: I got the sarcasm. At worst you were a christian with a sense of humor.
    I think this community has a healthy respect for things that deserve it. I also liked the observation that these ‘graven idols’ are an almost irresistable invitation to some stop-motion animation. Get your Einstein and Darwin Dolls (which I’ve seen before) and have them battle the forces of juvenile inculcation and shame-based morals.

    POW!

  48. gtr225 says:

    Will they have “Pete The Pedophile Priest” in stock?

  49. ironchef says:

    “I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, save me, Superman.”

    -Homer Simpson

  50. ironchef says:

    BTW, isn’t this a new form of “idol worship?”

  51. Daemon_of_Waffle says:

    Old Testament Jesus, or New Testament Jesus?

  52. gibsonic says:

    @ironchef: break out the golden calf and you might be on to something.

    @Daemon_of_Waffle:
    hahaha…

  53. acambras says:

    @Eyebrows McGee:

    Once again, you have made me laugh so hard I almost shot Diet Coke out of my nose. :-)

  54. TVarmy says:

    @Steel_Pelican: If you cram anything down a kid’s throat, he’ll reject it as soon as he leaves home. Just look at how many atheists come from evangelical backgrounds.

    @ironchef: The thing with idols is that they’re only called idols when they come from other faiths. If it’s your own religion, it’s a “relic” or piece of “religious art.”

    BTW, Walmart also needs to sell Tom Waits’ Chocolate Jesus around Easter. I bet the irony would be lost on the parents…

  55. TVarmy says:

    @TVarmy: [www.youtube.com] . I gotta cite my sources more.

  56. ZonzoMaster says:

    Oh man, youtube is gonna be so much fun!!!111

    Can’t wait for the Darwin vs Jesus fight! =D

  57. uricmu says:

    I guess it’s a follow up of replacing baseball cards and other trading cards with more religious figures.

  58. Thrust says:

    If they DON’T release a Zombie Jesus figure, I’m going to be pissed. He was the first of the Undead, honor him, and hand out Braaaaains on easter.

  59. umbriago says:

    If Jesus doesn’t come with a cross (as in, “comes with everything you see here!”) I’m not interested.

    A 12-inch talking Jesus doll is about $15. TALKING? “Math is hard!”

  60. You do realize Sodom and Gomorrah were CITIES, right?

  61. jbohanon says:

    @discounteggroll:
    You might be able to find some communist party action figures in the Berkeley campus store.

    And how is this news to start with? I had a David and Goliath set about 20 years ago (the Goliath pictured doesn’t look all that different from that one, either). Plus, Robot Chicken ALREADY uses Biblical action figures for stop motion animation.

  62. bohemian says:

    These things are just plain evil. There are way too many ways to get in trouble with them at work. Having the thor action figure do naughty things to the samson or jesus figures would result in a mandatory trip to HR.

  63. gibsonic says:

    @bohemian:
    you bring dolls to work with you?!

  64. Thrust says:

    Jesus and the Argonauts… One of the best sketches ever.

    The meek shall inherit the earth, Argonauts, GET MEEK! *stab, die*

  65. EtherealStrife says:

    @gibsonic: I would if I had religious action figures. I’d love to reenact a certain episode of south park, I just need to pick up a dreidel and some sharpies.
    @Thrust: Masturbates to Images in Playboy Guy? Masturbates to Images in Playgirl Guy totally has him beat, with double the sinergy.
    @Steel_Pelican: Husayn and his arch nemesis Yazid would make far better action figures.

    I’m so buying them all

  66. SOhp101 says:

    Is it just me, or does that picture look gay? Oh, the irony.

  67. Galls says:

    Ah evangelicalism, the commercialization and convenient way to follow the teachings of christ.

  68. Nemesis_Enforcer says:

    @gibsonic: Well I wouldnt call them dolls but I have several Spawn and Mcfarlane Military figures on my desk. BTW the Mcfarlane dragons are awesome-o!!

  69. Optimistic Prime says:

    Smart buying from Wal-Mart my ass. Where’s my porn?? I’d certainly buy it, and having at a retail location would equalize the prices of said porno. I could care less if it was made by cheap Chinese labor, that could be a plus :P

  70. mopar_man says:

    Isn’t Wal-Mart the Anti-Christ?

  71. Daemon_of_Waffle says:

    @Nemesis_Enforcer: They’re not dolls; they’re collectible action figures. Hehe

  72. gibsonic says:

    dolls.

    if you are going to bring dolls to work at least let them be the blow-up kind or “real dolls”

  73. lo_fro says:

    What would Jesus buy at Wal-Mart?
    What would Jesus like to be placed on in my house?
    What would Jesus like to wear today?

  74. Thrust says:

    @gibsonic: Blow up dolls make for great flotation devices at the beach. The looks you get are priceless. Also fun to fill em with helium (Gently mind you) and parade em around on a string. Even more fun when you use a white string and have it comin outta the vagoo like a tampon. I swear. Lovedolls can be more fun for pranks than smecks.

  75. BobbyMike says:

    Like I’m going to let my kids play with a toy Jesus. He’s our Saviour, not “an action figure”. Great way to dilute the message and look foolish (you know, that whole idol thing).

    Just wait for the stop action “Last Temptation Of Christ”, with Barbie playing Mary Magdalene.

  76. Grrrrrrr, now with two buns made of bacon. says:

    Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! It’s Jesus vs. Samson in a winner-take-all sabbath smackdown!!!

  77. zolielo says:

    These toys are too big, not proportionate with most other action figures.

  78. Trai_Dep says:

    Do the Adam & Eve Family Hut include instructions on committing incest (Mom’s hawt!) in order to populate the planet?

    Hope the Biblical Village Set has anatomically correct little girls (and boys!) since God’s all about marrying (and boinking) 12-year-olds.

    If two kids stack two Jesuses on top of each other, playing House or blasphamy? Better crush Lil’ Timmy into broken, rent pieces with big rocks until dead just to be on the safe side…

    LOVE the Bible. It’s better than a Tarantino flick. With even MORE incest!

  79. Thrust says:

    Here’s the thing. Unless someone has found some irrefutable proof that does not rely on “faith”, Jesus is no more real than Optimus Prime. If you’re going to worship a blatantly fake idol, choose one with a good religion and strong values… Like Optimus Prime.

    and this way it will remain, Till the day when all are one.

  80. zolielo says:

    @Thrust: OPimus Prime is real! I saw him on the I-5 North by Norwalk. You might think it was just product promotion but I have the faith.

  81. Havok154 says:

    I wonder if the asian kids who build these for $.10 a day will make Jesus oriental?

  82. Nemesis_Enforcer says:

    @gibsonic: I work in “the industry” so I see plenty of real chicks everyday. I dont need one of those creepy real dolls…heck some of the real girls are creepy enough….

  83. nardo218 says:

    This has gotta be sacralidge to someone.

    BTW that clench is so mo.

  84. gtr225 says:

    @Thrust: Turn thy cheek argonauts!

  85. Thrust says:

    I guess Jebus dolls ain’t too absurd, I have a plush Softimus Prime, and he’s my savior.

    @gtr225: Robot chicken is the best show ever. Even better than Firefly, Drawn Together, and Heroes.

    Moses: God has given me ten commandments to live our lives by…
    Some Peasant: Is there anything in there about not forcing your religion on others?
    Moses: No!
    Peasant: Figures.

  86. mammalpants says:

    water to wine magic kits!! please!!

    Thou shalt kick ass!!!