Cereal Straws? What? Are They Kidding?

We thought Kellogg was going to stop marketing unhealthy crap to kids? Oh well, the big bright picture of Toucan Sam on the front of Kellogg’s new “Cereal Straws” must mean that they are super healthy! Wow!

We know what you’re asking. “What, Dear Consumerist, is a “Cereal Straw”? Well, sorry to disappointed you, but we have no idea. If we are to believe the package, they are “milk-suppin’ fun.”

Here’s a description from a human who was brave enough to eat one:

They are lined in the middle with that sickly sweet powdered milk that seems to be popping up in granola and cereal bars everywhere. Someone needs to tell these guys that it does NOT replace milk and that we can all tell it’s just sweetened coffee creamer. Fortunately, the flavor of that is masked by the Froot Loop shell.

The straws themselves are rather sturdy and hold up well to milk. They last a long time without getting soggy and do actually work as straws. They basically taste like Froot Loops, which is all you could realistically hope for. Sadly, the cereal straws live in a paradoxical existence; humans cannot eat and drink at the same time. Well…I guess soup makes us do that, but let’s ignore that for a second.

Once you take a single bite of the cereal straw, it becomes too short for drinking and the fun immediately dissipates. If you just sit there and drink the milk, you’ll just be wasting the straw as it imparts no flavor and is generally useless. Once you get to the bottom, you realize you have a half-soggy cereal straw with no milk to wash it down with.

You know, if we wrote about every stupid, disgusting product that came along we’d write about nothing else, but occasionally there comes a product like “Cereal Straws” that stops us in our tracks and makes us say, “Ew.”


Froot Loops Cereal Straws
[The Impulsive Buy via BuzzFeed]

Comments

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  1. tcp100 says:

    That

  2. tcp100 says:

    That’s right, because being a kid should be about watching what you eat, and eating only shredded wheat, plain granola, skim milk, no sugar, and maybe – if you’re nice – an apple slice or two.

    Come on, guys. It’s not Kellogg’s fault that parents don’t take an active interest in what kids eat. You sound like you want to ban junk food? Guess what, that’s part of being a kid, and I really don’t think it’s a good idea to limit every kid’s diet to nothing but muesli.

    Let the kids have some fun. Parents need to take some responsibility and understand moderation, but seriously, some of my best memories as a kid were eating total crap just for the hell of it.

    Parents, practice a little balance, but let your kids have fun.. and don’t worry about the froot loops straws. Really.

  3. itmustbeken says:

    I think i just threw up in my mouth a little.

    I give it about 2 weeks before we see Lindsay Lohan snorting blow through one of these at some club.

  4. travisw says:

    Ew, huh? I am absolutely fascinated by this product and am going immediately to the grocery after work. And no, I am not a kid, I am 29 years old.

  5. Thrust says:

    The only straw in my life is Twizzlers.

  6. kris in seattle says:

    This is seriously, the most fucked up thing I’ve seen all day…

    well, unless you count that half zebra, half horse thing from earlier on Fark.
    [www.thesun.co.uk]

  7. superlayne says:

    This reminds me of Sour Straws….
    I always tried to use them like staws, but it never worked.

  8. Thrust says:

    @bleedingheartlib: Dude, don’t knock the Zorse… I want one.

  9. I like ‘em!… I got these and the Cocoa Rice Crispies this payday with the rest of the groceries and they basically just rock! The box says you’re sapposed to eat 3 as 1 serving and put them in a glass of milk, but he Cocoa Rice Crispie ones have chocolate in the middle, which tastes really good and makes them work like a cookie when they’re out of milk, too.

    Mmmmm, those were sooooooooooooooooo tastey!

  10. TedSez says:

    Ingredients
    WHEAT FLOUR, SUGAR, VEGETABLE OIL (PALM, SHEANUT, AND COTTONSEED OILS), MALTODEXTRIN, FRUCTOSE, NONFAT MILK, CONTAINS TWO PERCENT OR LESS OF GLUCOSE SYRUP, EGGS, SOY LECITHIN, SALT, ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR, PGPR (POLYGLYCEROL POLYRICINOLEIC ACID), NATURAL ORANGE, LEMON, LIME AND OTHER NATURAL FLAVORS, YELLOW #6, RED #40, YELLOW #5, NIACINAMIDE, BLUE #1, VITAMIN A PALMITATE, PYRIDOXINE HYDROCHLORIDE (VITAMIN B6), TOCOPHEROLS FOR FRESHNESS, RIBOFLAVIN (VITAMIN B2), THIAMIN HYDROCHLORIDE (VITAMIN B1), SESAME FLOUR, VITAMIN B12, VITAMIN D.

  11. TedSez says:

    Translation: Starch, oil, and three different kinds of sugar.

  12. joemono says:

    “humans cannot eat and drink at the same time”

    Besides the aforementioned “soup,” they can also do this with cereal.

  13. MeOhMy says:

    They have a resemblance to cigarettes….coincidence?

  14. tcp100 says:

    @Troy F.: Yes, it’s a big evil conspiracy between Big Tobacco and Big Cereal, to get kids smoking! Such as it is with all cylindrical objects.

    Sugar. Starch. Oil. Yep, that’s what food is made out of. Seriously folks, it’s froot loops, not dimethylmercury.

  15. bbbici says:

    parents are responsible for what they buy for their kids… period.

    i like drinking through twizzlers– fantastic!

  16. tcp100 says:

    @TedSez: Oh, big names must mean bad things.

    [en.wikipedia.org]

    “Polyglycerol Polyricinoleate (PGPR), E476, is an emulsifier made from castor beans which reduces the viscosity of chocolate and similar coatings and compounds.”

    See, it’s even natural and vegetable derived!

    BRB, I’m going to go have a glass of dihyrdogen monoxide.

  17. homerjay says:

    Well! Just in time for $5 gallons of milk. Conspiracy? Maybe….
    Stupid marketing gimmick? Absolutely.

  18. llanim says:

    This sounds awesome! I’ve always found eating plastic straws not very pleasant.

  19. Black Bellamy says:

    These are the best. I’m going to buy some so this weekend when my friends and I are snorting some coke I can whip out my Froot Loops straw and become the bon vivant man about town I claim to be.

  20. bpotterr says:

    I think a nice glass of milk with a Cereal Straw would be the perfect accompaniment to Pancake-Wrapped-Sausage-on-a-Stick.

  21. rixatrix says:

    To clear it up, Kellogg’s has agreed to stop marketing foods to kids under 12 unless that food meets specific nutritional guidelines.

    This means they’re overhauling a lot of their popular products (Pop Tarts) so they they can still keep advertising to kids, or else they’ll be branding certain products as adult foods. I work on several ad accounts for Kelloggs and believe me – their kid-food websites are going nowhere.

    And I’ve had some of these cereal straws – the Cocoa Krispies kind, which I’m not sure are for sale yet. They’re cocoa-cereal outside and chocolate-lined inside, and actually pretty damn good.

    If you drink your milk out of a mug like a genius, your straw is functional for a lot longer.

  22. urban_ninjya says:

    Wow.. I’ve been waiting forever for a product like that. Don’t think of them as straws, but more like creal sticks. Just a natural evolution of the cereal bar. With creal sticks, you won’t have to chew as much. And the hollow tube shape makes it easier to eat.

  23. I’d have to taste it first: I don’t think cereal being straw shaped necesarily makes it gross.

    @TedSez: Yeah, but how much? Do they fail to meet the guidelines?

  24. ldt says:

    I’m a cereal whore, and I will definitely be trying these.

    If we want to talk disgusting kid food, look no further than Uncrustables: frozen-then-mushy PBJ? Ew.

  25. bpotterr says:

    @rixatrix: Also: doesn’t the new policy not take effect until next year or something?

  26. bhall03 says:

    Is Consumerist the new Webster’s? What is suppin’?

    @ Meg: I believe you meant to say “milk-sippin’ fun” which is what the front of the box says.

  27. dvddesign says:

    I ate Raisin Bran, Honey Nut Cheerios, and the wackiest I ever got was Cocoa Puffs or Capn Crunch for cereal. I just realized at some point that the candy cereals didn’t taste all that great once you ate all the marshmallow bits. Plus I got sick twice eating froot loops so I avoided those.

    I’m gonna pass on the milled and processed sugar rolls.

  28. Thrust says:

    @rixatrix: If they f**k with my poptarts there will be serious stabbling going on… Of OJ proportions. Market the tarts to adults! The only change that I could tollerate would be to spread the frosting right to the edge on the one side.

  29. dotorg greg says:

    The Kellogg’s policy will be to not market food with more than 200 calories and 12g of sugar/serving to kids under 12yo. [original nyt story]

    Somehow, they managed to come up with a policy that still allows them to market their new sugar stick, which has–that’s right–140cal and 12g/sugar per 3-stick serving. What’re the odds?

    Just an aside: by putting their products’ nutritional info in a jpg, Kellogg’s also keeps it from being readily indexed and tracked by search engines or, say, nutrition activists. I’m sure that’s not why they do it, though.

  30. yzerman says:

    I had these in Taiwan. They were however the oreo brand. Very tasty to eat. I could see them with milk.

  31. lestat730 says:

    I say why the hell not, I’ve seen stranger things for sale at the grocery store

  32. Mom2Talavera says:

    If you take poison add corn syrup & dye name it something
    “tropical”….than these little bastards will eat it!

  33. lefteris says:

    My wife bought some of these earlier this week. I tried them and found them quite yummy. Didn’t bother sucking milk though – too much trouble for me. Much easier to just munch them. Nutritionals aren’t that bad – I’d give it to my kids again. Fairly low in saturated fats, no trans and a bunch of vitamins. Sure it’s got 12g of sugars, but the little bastards need the energy to run around and drive me nuts. More importantly, this little gimmicky straw contraption makes them drink milk without me or my wife having to force it down their little throats. I give it 1.8 thumbs up.

  34. selianth says:

    Those ingredients are not bad at all, comparatively. At least there’s no High Fructose Corn Syrup.

  35. Artnchicken says:

    The Impulsive Buy is a funny blog; nice to see it on here. The sacrifices Marvo makes to review products are entertaining to say the least (like fast food, for example).

  36. OnceWasCool says:

    Relax folks… I grew up eating Pixie Stix that was just cool-aid and tons of sugar.

    And I grew up just fine qtr2iut0jagijaldkbjzodfua0 :)

  37. kerrington.steele says:

    I like Gawker’s analysis of Froot Loop straws way better — that one focused on the perfection of its coke-snorting design! [gawker.com]

  38. MalichiDemonos says:

    Crack head interview: “LOOK!!! I can even eat my breakfast up my nose!!!”

    4 of 5 crack heads approve. The 1 that didn’t was told that it was powdered milk in the middle.

  39. InductGnosis says:

    stupid product.

  40. LucyInTheSky says:

    i see nothing truly wrong with this, but it could be the dumbest thing i’ve seen all day.

    besides, we have redvines for this. they don’t get soggy.