Yes Men Solve the Climate Crisis: Soylent Green

At the Gas and Oil Exposition in Calgary this week, Exxon Mobil executive Florian Osenberg told a rapt audience that the ongoing climate change crisis is no big deal because the dead people can provide “more feedstock.”

In a rousing speech for 300 oilmen and oilwomen with partner Shepard Wolff, the executive reassured the crowd that, even if billions die from expected climate-change-related disasters, the industry will continue to prosper. The oil companies could “keep fuel flowing,” said the execs, by turning all the dead people into oil.

Wolff “described the technology used to render human flesh into a new Exxon oil product called Vivoleum,” according to a press release about the event. “3-D animations of the process brought it to life” and candles were lit in honor of an Exxon Mobil janitor who was the first to undergo the process. The speakers were quickly removed from the stage when it was learned, via a final video testimonial from the deceased, that the candles were the janitor.

Wolff defended his actions for waiting reporters, saying, “150,000 people already die from climate-change related effects every year. That’s only going to go up – maybe way, way up. Will it all go to waste? That would be cruel.” Calgary cops soon arrived, but could find nothing wrong as long as “the executives” agreed to leave the premises.

The executives being the Yes Men, of course. The Yes Men are two guys who impersonate executives from unlovable corporations, get their fake selves invited to speak at conferences, and embarrass the hell out of their targets. You can learn more at http://www.theyesmen.org. And don’t forget to check out these hysterical pictures of the speech. —BRIAN FAIRBANKS

Comments

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  1. b612markt says:

    Truly awesome – I wish I could have been there.

  2. llanim says:

    The URL should be theyesmen.org

  3. mikyrok says:

    Is it sad that while reading this I didn’t doubt for a second that Exxon-Mobile was actually researching and implementing this?

  4. tigerjade says:

    Remember when you could read something and NOT think to yourself, “I wonder if they ever did that in The Onion?”

  5. catnapped says:

    Wow-I wonder how much oil could be rendered from dead CEOs?

  6. ShadeWalker says:

    soylent oil sounds like a amazing viable source of energy for our oil starved nation.

    this is great progress!

  7. aparsons says:

    That’s not very funny… corporations are people, too!

  8. ravuya says:

    It’s amazing he can keep a straight face.

  9. TheSlate says:

    If only it were true. It’s not like dead bodies contain people anymore. Some people want their ashes dumped from a hot air balloon, and maybe some would like to be used for fuel and turned into green house gases.

  10. BillyShears says:

    I’m terrified at the fact that I fully believed this was real until I got to the bottom.

    (Yes, I do think oil companies are THAT evil.)

  11. schvitzatura says:

    Combine Swift’s A Modest Proposal with the sensibilities of Fight Club…beautiful!

    The place in the river where the by-product of Vivoleum is processed might just be good for washing your clothes…

  12. SurrenderMonkey says:

    phew, i was afraid i’d have to postpone that suv purchase due to high gas prices…

    haha sorry,i couldn’t resist

  13. Anonymous says:

    schvitzatura says:

    Combine Swift’s A Modest Proposal with the sensibilities of Fight Club…beautiful!

    The place in the river where the by-product of Vivoleum is processed might just be good for washing your clothes…

    …and your SUV’s will be powered by the blood of heroes.

    Sounds so romantic it makes me want to f__ing puke. Three cheers to the YesMen.

  14. ninjapoodles says:

    Still not as gross as the one they did for McDonald’s…”recycled hamburgers.”

  15. pestie says:

    I’m not sure if the Yes Men were aware of this, but thermal depolymerization technology makes this entirely feasible.

  16. oldhat says:

    They should be paid for their time, for livening up an otherwise terribly dull meeting.

    Also for outing the idiots who organized the meeting.

    Of course humans have a long history of using the flash of dead animals for energy. Usually not human flesh, though.

    That would be sick. Like feeding dead animals to cows, who are by nature vegetarian, because it is cheaper than feeding them proper food.

    We are lucky there are no superior life forms we have to contend with. [cue x-files theme music]

  17. bohemian says:

    How sick is the world when I totally believed Exxon would find this an ethical business practice. How can I get these guys to infiltrate our state legislature? :-)

  18. RichAndFoolish says:

    Here’s a hint: Despite bureaucratic interference that would make Richelieu cry, despite near universal public hostility that is mindless and completely unjustified, oil companies make our life, itself, possible and wonderful.

    No one forces you to buy oil products. You give your money because you “need” or want the value.

    Those two scum spread lies with impunity.
    They should be tried for slander and treason and then executed.

    Think about it. If those two scum get their way, we would have no way to feed, cloth, employ, or shelter the current population (which is what those nihilists truly want). They are trying to KILL you and your family. They should and their supporters should die.

  19. JustThisGuy says:

    @RichAndFoolish: Your sociopathy and borderline psychosis is truly, truly frightening.

  20. Bay State Darren says:

    I wanna know, were their pet politicians there? More importantly was Michael Moore there?

  21. xenth says:

    @RichAndFoolish: Sadly true. There isn’t a person reading this post who did not absolutely rely on oil to have gotten to where they are now.

    Even if hydrogen transportation was free and everywhere, that still leaves 70% of our needs unfulfilled. The problem isn’t the companies. Its the lack of real alternatives.

  22. snowferret says:

    Oh good god I’m glad they weren’t serious. I was starting to feel sick reading that.

  23. synergy says:

    @snowferret: but… oil is recycled animals. :)

  24. Angiol says:

    While I do think that this is cool, I do wonder about whether this might constitute fraud or defamation of character.

  25. Mr.NoMo says:

    @ xenth:

    “The problem isn’t the companies. Its the lack of real alternatives.”

    Don’t you think that the big massively wealthy oil companies might be a tiny bit responsible for the lack of alternatives?
    Haven’t they been lobbying against alternative power sources in Washington for years and years?

    We are obviously dependent on oil but I believe it was greed and lack of civic responsibility from these big oil companies that got us there.