Shocker: Enviga Doesn’t Actually Burn Calories

Weclome, Slashdotters! Here are some other posts you may enjoy.
Escaping Pharma Telemarketing Hell
McDonald’s Monopoly Won’t Make Anyone A Millionaire
Sure Deodorant Is The Same As Secret
Audio: Sprint Waives Activation Fee If You Ask Nicely
Vlasic Expects You To Only Eat 1/4 Of A Pickle

A soft drink that actually burns calories is like a burrito that makes your flatulence smell like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls: the holy grail of science. Every reasonable man is skeptical that it can be done; nevertheless, we fat-asses keep hoping.

Still, there’s a good reason to believe that Coke’s new Enviga drink, advertised as “The Calorie Burner,” is a total scam, and Mouseprint has finely combed the small print to showcase the absurdity.

For one thing, the study that ‘proved’ that Enviga burned calories was only 32 people of normal weight. No one actually burned any fat, even when they were on placebos, but heck… “energy expenditure” was higher for Enviga drinkers. Whatever the hell that means.

Coke, of course, officially denies their drink burns calories, wandering around the wording of their fine print with a weasel-like slither. Heck, we’re only marketing it as ‘The Calorie Burner.’ It’s not like we’re saying it burns calories or something!

Enviga from Coke: Burns More Calories Than it Contains* [Mouseprint]

Comments

Edit Your Comment

  1. DeadSnake says:

    Everybody just needs to learn to get off their asses, and have a jog instead of hoping that the placebo effect will work out in the end.

  2. So the spokeswoman says, drinking this in combination with physical activity and a balanced, varied moderate diet is what will allow you to burn calories.

    Well hell, most any nutritionist would tell people to cut back on carbonated drinks and take more exercise and a balanced diet. I agree with DeadSnake, but moreso the conclusion of Meghann Marco (after taking on the Special K challenge). The product by itself doesn’t do anything to help you burn more calories, they suggest you adjust your activity and diet. But when people fail to lose weight, they’ll blame themselves for not having enough resolve instead of Coca-Cola for selling them snake oil.

  3. Pelagius says:

    Perhaps I should start selling bottled sugar water labelled “THIS DRINK WILL MAKE YOU RICH” at $2 each, or cookies named “EATING THIS WILL HELP FIND BIN LADEN”.

  4. Nancy Sin says:

    Higher energy expenditure = caffeine, caffeine and more caffeine.

  5. Kangarara says:

    While I applaud both MousePrint and Consumerist for watching out for regular folks and rightly calling dishonest companies to task, come ON, people!

    If something like this worked, they could charge many hundreds of dollars per case, not $2.59 per bottle!

  6. RandomHookup says:

    “EATING THIS WILL HELP FIND BIN LADEN”.

    I am going to have that imprinted on my next set of boxers.

  7. TVarmy says:

    Pelagius: I’m pretty sure that’s the ad campaign for “W” Ketchup. See http://www.wketchup.com/ if you did not get the joke. What a sad relic of the 2004 election. You just broke down an emotional wall in me because of that harsh reminder. Excuse me while I rock in the fetal position.