How To Join The Mile High Without K-Y?

Everyone with any sense knows that flying is dehydrating. Oh, sure, airlines and the TSA disagree, but a parched throat and dry, crackling skin is par for the course of most of our catapultings across the stratosphere.

Still, if you think that’s dry, try plunging yourself into an orifice up to the hilt at 20,000 feet. But if you don’t do it in a cramped, sticky airplane toilet at least once, how will you ever join the Mile High Club?

We got an email from John, who had just such aspirations. He knew about airplane dehydration, so — a wily strategist — he intended to bring some K-Y on board with him on a recent flight. He even checked the TSA website, which assured him K-Y Jelly was not presently categorized as a terrorist weapon.

Of course, the prudes at airport security confiscated it anyway. Our only consolation is that, indeed, joining the Mile High Club isn’t nearly as cool as it sounds. With visible smell waves oscillating from the toilet and the door handle jammed into the small of your back, the moment of copulation usually ends with a few lame thrusts and then the simultaneous admission that this really just pretty much sucks.

John’s email, after the jump.

I was traveling to a convention and decided to bring along some personal lubricant in case anybody wanted a happy ending after eating rubber chicken for three days. As some bloggers have noted, toothpaste and shampoo are forbidden in carry-ons, but a little KY Jelly is A-OK: http://www.tsa.gov/travelers/airtravel/prohibited/permitted-prohibited-items.shtm#1.

I stuffed the bottle (under the allowed 4 ounces) into my carry-on and headed to the airport. An alert X-ray machine person pulled me over, and my luggage got inspected. The friendly TSA lady swabbed my shirts and underthings with one of those pads that detects bomb-making detritus, noted that my bottle of contacts lens solution was legal, and failed to notice the lube that I’d not-so-sneakily hidden in one of the bag’s front pouches.

This is a hassle, I said. Try putting your liquids in the little bowl for coins and keys next time, she said.

Next time came a few days later, and I did as she suggested, sending the lube bottle through the X-ray machine. And another TSA lady pulled me aside.

TSA lady: “What’s this?”

Me: “Umm.. it’s legal. I checked. It’s in the regulations.”

TSA lady: “Well, is it for your eyes?”

Me: “Not exactly.”

TSA lady: “You’re only supposed to take on things you’ll need on the plane.”

Me: “But I might need that on the plane.”

TSA lady: “What for?”

Me: “Um, never mind.”

And away went the lube, and my dreams of joining the Mile-High Club. Well, at least without some major chafing.

Comments

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  1. Kutabare says:

    Without KY?

    How about with a custom-fit bed, brand new sheets and a complimentary bottle of Champagne?


    http://abcnews.go.com/Business/FunMoney/story?id=2421034&p

  2. Bluefreak says:

    You should have some more fun with this and file a claim to get reimbursed for the KY that was inappropriately taken from you. Check out http://www.tsaclaims.org/forms.htm for details on how to file a claim.

    My motto: Make bureaucracy work for you!

  3. Antediluvian says:

    Okay, here’s an issue: the “TSA Lady” has got to be wrong when she says you’re only supposed to take things you might need on the plane. According to the list, “cigar cutters” are allowed. The list says “umbrellas” are allowed. Anyone ever see anyone use either of those on a plane lately?

  4. Antediluvian says:

    Possible script: “Personal lubricant” is allowed, per the TSA web site.

    “I need it for ‘personal reasons.’”
    “I need it for ‘personal dryness issues.’”

    Or, state loudly and proudly, “I have an irritating dryness on my scrotum that requires regular moisturizing. Here, just a moment while I unzip and I’ll show you, ma’am.”

    I suppose there are some other (non-sexual / non-sensual) uses for “personal lubricant” that I don’t know about — but if the manufacturer can “play dumb” in the advertising and packaging, then airline passengers should be able to do so to.

  5. Smoking Pope says:

    Me: “But I might need that on the plane.”

    TSA lady: “What for?”

    The correct answer: “Hot, ass thumping sex in the bathroom.”

  6. thatabbygirl says:

    I, too, tried to use the TSA rules to figure out what I could bring on the plane before a flight (my semi-illicit substance of choice: chapstick). What I found at the airport is that the TSA screeners seem to have internalized the “no liquids or gels” rule, but not the details about what is and is not allowed – so basically each screener is making up their own version of the rules.

    The TSA rules seem to imply that chapstick is ok – it’s analagous to lipstick, which is allowed, not a pot of lip gunk like carmex, which is not allowed. When the TSA screener at LAX confiscated it, though, my recitation of the rules and wild brandishing of printed TSA information was totally pointless.

    BTW, making me fly from LA to London without chapstick should be a violation of Geneva Conventions.

  7. Bluefreak says:

    I think this is the most frustrating part–even when the rules are clear, the screeners either are not aware of the rules or make up their own rules. A few suggestions:
    1) Before going to the airport, print out the most up-to-date approved/banned items list off of the TSA website. While not definitive, since the TSA loves to change the rules daily, this will at least provide some support to your argument that a specific item is permissible.
    2) If the agent still won’t let you through, ask to see their supervisor who should clarify the policy with the individual agent.
    3) If the supervisor isn’t willing to budge, your final avenue of recourse is to ask for the GSC (ground security coordinator). A GSC is an airline employee who acts as the central contact for security issues. However, the decision of the GSC is final (at least without filing a judicial action), so this is your last avenue of recourse. If the TSA agents say that the GSC is not available, then you might need to politely remind them that there must always be a GSC on duty when there is flight activity and if not, they will need to shut the security checkpoint down and purge the terminal. That usually gets their attention.