Go-Tarts Blithely Indifferent To Own Sucking

Dan loves Kellogg’s Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts. When he saw Kellogg’s had a new version, “Pop-Tarts Go-Tarts,” he gave them a shot and was promptly disgusted. “Bad as in “I ordered the filet and I got rump” bad,” he says.

Disappointed, he registered his dissatisfaction at Kellogg’s site. Several weeks later, he received a surprising letter in the mail…

“How thoughtful of you to take the time to let us know you enjoy Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts Go-Tarts! Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon. We are always pleased to hear positive comments from our consumers. Thank you!

Everyone at our company devotes a great deal of effort to developing wholesome, appealing products, and it is good to know you think we have been successful.

We appreciate your interest in our company and products.

Sincerely,

Samuel Jimenez
Consumer Affairs Department”

Dan says Sam also included a $1 coupon good towards a purhcase of Kellogg’s cereal. He adds, “It’s nice to know that some companies take their customer feedback seriously.”

Comments

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  1. RandomHookup says:

    Sounds like the drones misread your missive. The last time I complained (a fruit snack box had an empty pouch — I later found 2 in one pouch) they sent me a coupon for a freebie from Kelloggs up to $5. Of course, it’s all paint by numbers, I’m sure.

  2. Jesse McBesse says:

    try the strawberry ones; they’re delicious!!

  3. homerjay says:

    Thank god they came out with this product because regular pop tarts kept making me late for work in the morning!

    I have a feeling they read your letter (or at least glazed over it) and accidentially hit the “Send ‘praise’ response letter” button istead of the “Send ‘complaint’ response letter” button.

  4. Magister says:

    I love the regular poptarts, but those Go-Tarts are horrible.

  5. marge says:

    hahahaaaaa.
    kellogs is notorious for sending out form letters whether you’ve complained to them or praised them. i myself have written to them five times over the years (not once was the content of the lettert positive) and i always got the same response, a ‘we’re glad you like us!’ letter and a coupon.

  6. Hooray4Zoidberg says:

    Being a fellow lover of cinnamom pop tarts, I can see how the they wouldn’t work as “Go-Tarts”. Having a huge concentrated lump of cinnamon sugar in the middle probably doesn’t work as well as a lump of stawberry. I for one am intersted in trying the chocolate fudge ones.

  7. Triteon says:

    Allow me to paraphrase Jim Gaffigan: I’ve never eaten a Pop Tart and afterward said “Boy, I’m really glad I ate that.”

  8. Yep says:

    Dude, those things are made for, like, 9 year olds. They’ve got an addictive chemical that makes pre-teens crave’em fortnightly! But they’re like kryptonite to anyone of voting age.

    Stop eating such sugary crap. Except Fruity Pebbles. Now THAT’S a real breakfast!

  9. Hawkins says:

    Who on earth over the age of 10 would eat one of those? Even on the cover of the package, where you’d expect them to look their best, they look like, I dunno, certainly nothing EDIBLE.

  10. GenXCub says:

    I just love that they’re “go-tarts” as if standard issue pop tarts weren’t portable enough.

  11. mschlock says:

    They Go Places? I’m surprised no one has made the obligatory joke about the interesting places the Go-Tarts should go.

  12. mmfv says:

    I did the Special K challenge and it worked for me. I’m a 30 year old male, I followed the instructions. I used no fat milk and had a piece of fruit with each bowl, AND ATE A SENSIBLE DINNER. I based my Calorie intake on the 2000 calorie daily value printed on the nutritional facts label. Two bowls with no fat milk=300 calories. two pieces of fruit let’s say=100 calories. Leaving you with 1600 calories for dinner. If you balance it out this can be a pretty filling meal. Sure at the end of the two weeks I couldn’t wait to get off the diet, but it worked, I went from a 44 to a 42.

  13. Jupiter Jones says:

    Oooh, he shoots and he misses.

  14. Anonymous says:

    i need to warn the curious (morbidly and otherwise) away from the chocolate fudge go-tarts. the interior is chemically sweet and of unpleasant texture, while the outside is chemically dry and crumbly. The two sensations together combine to create an uber-ick taste. no wonder they were onsale for 50 cents a box at my market.

  15. Melsky says:

    You can tell from the picture on the box that they are going to be awful!

  16. Demingite says:

    Beware any edible product that is described as “wholesome.” It’s a remarkably meaningless term. Saying a food product is “wholesome” is no more meaningful than a statement that the product contains legal ingredients only. “Wholesome,” as used by the Stepford-letter from Kellogg’s, does not mean “good for one’s health.” A TV commercial some years back featured a pert young mom extolling the virtues of Hostess products for her children because they are “wholesome.” Again, “wholesome” definitely did and does not equal “healthful” — although no doubt Hostess wished to implant into viewers’ subconsciouses just that message. Similarly both Pop-Tarts and Go-Tarts may be “wholesome” (as is everything in the universe not connected to crime, porn, or crack), but they are very far from healthful.

  17. Leto says:

    Because regular Pop-Tarts aren’t portable enough.

  18. Slack says:

    I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams, consuming such crap.

  19. mmfv says:

    HOW THE HECK DID MY COMMENT FOE THE SPECIAL K CHALLENGE END UP ON THIS PAGE AND WHY AM I YELLING!

  20. Dear Kellogs:

    I found a dead roach in my “Chuck Wagon Morning” cereal. I’m really upset!

    Sincerely,

    CinC

    Dear CinC:

    We;re delighted to hear that you enjoyed our new “Roach in a Coach” cereal.

    Please fine enclosed a $2.00 coupon toward your next purchase of Roach in a Coach cereal.

    Sincerely,
    Homey D. Clouhgn
    Kellogg’s Customer Relations

    P.S. You will also receive a coupon good for $10.00 off of a high colonic from your local barber.

  21. mmfv -

    1600 calories? A “pretty filling meal?” Unless you’re eating pure butter or drinking a lot of booze, a 1600 calorie meal should be enough to choke a horse. Particularly if you’re only eating 400 calories the rest of the day – eating so little should make your stomach shrink by dinner to the point where that many calories make you vomit. Incidentally, are you on Euro sizes or US sizes, I didn’t know that size 44 actually existed?

  22. SecureLocation says:

    But they look so goood!

  23. mmfv says:

    it.goes.there-

    This is my U.S. waist size. 44 inches down to 42 to inches. As far 1600 calories being alot, when you consider all the processed food floating around 1600 ain’t really all that much. I’m sure one meal at McD’s or BK would blow that 1600 calories easily. I would typically eat a twelve inch sub from Subway and have a single serve bag of chips with large drink. This pretty much covered my caloric intake. Of course depending on the sandwich and drink I chose I would sometimes have a few extra calories for a small snack.

  24. Smoking Pope says:

    It’s all form letters. I once wrote Dole a letter asking them why smoking their banana peels didn’t get me high (I was bored and feeling silly), and got back a “We’re glad you enjoy Dole products, blah, blah, blah.” response.

    I immediately fired back, “I don’t enjoy them, didn’t you read my letter?” Same response. Because I’m a generally determined individual, I kept sending it back, attaching all previous correspondence, until the envelope could hardly be sealed.

    Finally I got a terse letter explaining there’s no THC in bananas and that smoking banana peels is an urban legend. The whole exchange probably took about 9 months.

  25. AcidReign says:

    …..Mm. An apple pop-tart is a pretty decent, easy treat once in a while. Scratch that. Used to be easy. Now, all the toaster manufacturers are making toasters with huge bagel-sized slots. Pop-tarts are kind of lost in the cavernous space, and end up folding, getting stuck, and/or burning with an aroma reminiscent of pre-paraquat Mexican weed.

    …..My emergency “to-go” breakfast consists three large beef hot dogs (Bryan) microwave-nuked for a minute and a half, and slathered in Philadelphia Cream Cheese. With a bananna on the side. I use a small corning-ware dish (with high sides), because having greasy, red-hot dogs roll off into your lap in the car is no fun at all.

  26. x23 says:

    “Mr. Lish, uh some more boxes of that cereal you like.”

    “Why I *hate* that cereal! I wrote them an angry letter and said, “there’s *nothing* I’d love more than *tons* of your cereal.” … Tff!”