As a pimply pubescent, one of my favorite comics was Marvel's What If... For those far less dorky than me, the concept was essentially to spin alternate universes where the epopees of Marvel Comics characters had spinned in entirely different directions. "What if Wolverine's Claws Were John Holmes Phalluses?" one issue might cry, then set about to answer that very question.

On that note, a brief visit to an alternate consumerist universe this droll Wednesday morning: What If... The Inexhaustibly Perky Apple Care CSR Manned A Suicide Hotline?

Apple Guy: Hey there! How can I help you out today?

Caller: I just don't think I can go on.

Apple Guy: Super! We're halfway there.

Courtesy of Minor Tweaks and the zealot Mac community, finally showing a sense of humor for once.

What would happen if the irrepressibly positive Apple repair technician I talked to this week about my broken iPod were to get a new job at a suicide hotline [Minor Tweaks]