Just Fucking Die Already, U.S. Penny

I hate change. Not the variety beget by motion: that stuff’s okay, at least until the Big Crunch. No, I loathe pockets full of rattling coin. I hated it when small, snot-nosed children would walk into the comic book store where I worked as a teenager and empty several moist, fungous socks full of pennies on the counter to pay for a funny book. I hate it now that I live in the EU and change comes in denominations up to 2 euro.

The penny is the most hated of all coins: when it’s wet, it smells like semen. It’s small. It’s worthless. It had a tendency to go mossy. So good news! Now that it costs more to mint a penny than the loathed thing is actually worth, the penny is singing it’s swan song.

Since you can’t buy anything for a penny anyway, the only impact this would have is by rounding prices to the nearest nickel. Some critics claim this would screw poor people who can ill afford to pay an extra penny when their Hostess Crumb Cake is rounded up from 99 cents to 1 dollar. I don’t know any poor people who don’t look at a penny as imminently disposable, but if such people exist, the US Government can systematically execute them all if it will just get pennies out of my fucking life forever.

The Penny’s End Is Near

Comments

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  1. Jesse in Japan says:

    Can’t they just start making pennies out of alluminum, like Japanese 1 yen pieces? They weigh almost nothing.

  2. Pelagius says:

    “Some critics claim this would screw poor people who can ill afford to pay an extra penny when their Hostess Crumb Cake is rounded up from 99 cents to 1 dollar.”

    Anyone who uses this argument needs to visit another country. Australia has nothing smaller than 5 cents, but still manages to get along. Vietnam doesn’t even have coins, but they do have KFC.

  3. Anonymously says:

    Then the nickle becomes the new penny, so we may as well eliminate that…

    Well, then dimes are really annoying, so we should get rid of them too!

    If you really hate change that much, use a debit card for all of your purchases.

  4. mark duffy says:

    Abe’s semem, to be specific.

  5. Hooray4Zoidberg says:

    Me thinks this is one big conspiracy perpetuated by the fountain owners of America. Think about it, if you eliminate the penny we’ll all be forced to throw nickels into fountains to make a wish. This in turn increases the net value of every mall water fountain by $.04 a wish.

  6. Thank god we’re finally talking about this. I’m so in favor of ditching pennies, they’re useless, and a big batch of them together smells like roller coaster ejaculate.

    My question has to do with the way this will affect taxes. My state (like many) has a six-cent sales tax on all items. Will this be rounded up? Down? Won’t most taxes have to be in multiples of five?

  7. limiter says:

    Hey hey hey! Pennies are extremely useful! I use them to throw at people I don’t like, I jam into machines I want to break, they can be used as a flat-head screw driver, and we can melt them down into almost-copper jackets for homemade bullets when the revolution comes.

  8. So is this really gonna happen then? They’ve been talking about phasing out pennies for years now…

  9. Xeronius says:

    I for one have been wanting this for the longest time. Hell, if I had it my way I would also phase out nickels. Not the coin itself, but its value. The dime would then be printed on the nickel sized coin and ditching its “where the hell did that dime go” size status.

  10. bambino says:

    From my understanding, this is still just a bill that might not make law. So don’t get your hopes up yet. And Justin, from what I read tax multipliers will stay the same, it’s just that the resultant tax paid will be rounded up or down.

  11. bambino says:

    From my understanding, this is still just a bill that might not make law. So don’t get your hopes up yet. And Justin, from what I read tax multipliers will stay the same, it’s just that the resultant tax paid will be rounded up or down.

  12. bambino says:

    Damn you, false ‘COMMENTFAILED’ rejection

  13. RustyBret says:

    Why go halfway? I say we bump the decimal point down a peg and make the penny worth ten times as much. It would cut production costs on coins and bills by a factor of ten, and would only have a cosmetic effect on the economy. We would have to change over to new currency, butI’m sure the savings would pay off eventually.

    Minumum wage would be 55 cents an hour, so you’d cling to thoses pennies like your grandparents did when they were kids.

  14. HA! I like RustyBret’s idea…it would be a sort of artificial deflation. That way our grandkids won’t be dropping c-notes to buy soda from a vending machine.

  15. The Reviewer says:

    I don’t carry cash anymore so do not ever deal with pennies. We should just get rid of all cash in my opinion.

  16. Oh man, let them kill the stupid penny already. On the rare occasions where I use cash, I throw the pennies away. The effort of carrying them vastly exceeds their value.

    Yeah, yeah, after a year of throwing pennies away, I’ve thrown away an ENTIRE THREE DOLLARS. Oh noes! If I amortize that week to week, it’s more than worth it.

  17. Aph says:

    I wont pick them up. This is a real problem for old ladies in the supermarket when my drunken attempt the pull the handful of change out of the machine thats poops em out sends anything to the ground made of copper.
    Then they look at me and Im like FUCK YOU GRANDMA so I can end up with some crooked spine like you for a measely few cents.

  18. Kat says:

    If we end up with a cashless society, it won’t matter, we can still have one-cent transactions.