Nightline Brings in the RECAP Brigade

After Ben’s appearance on Nightline on Friday, our email box was inundated with tips and complaints, words of support and pleas for help from hundreds of consumerists, newly brought to the fold. We also got many confused emails from people calling us “Vinnie” and some astonishing rants from exactly the sort of bleary-eyed crazies who sit around at midnight, typing up emails to guys they just saw on the telly.

Guys like David Wilson, who writes:

    I was watching Nightline and found the AOL story interesting. So I went to your website and looked around. I then searched your website using the word “circumcision”…

Of course! As you would! Our first thought when visiting sites for the first time is to get a good feel for the sheathedness of the writer’s phallus. Not ‘feel’ literally, you understand… that’s what Blogger’s Night at the local pink flamingo cocktail bar, The George, is for.

David continues after the jump…

    To my surprise something came up. But it had to do with your posting on”Send us your Tax Nightmares. In the very first sentence you use the word circumcision;

    “Awaiting April 17th is like waiting for a circumcision, the only comfort being that, two months from now, you might get a small portion of your foreskin back. “

    Man, if you’ve never read the truth about circumcision and what exactly is removed, you might want to do so.

It was only at this point that we realized that David wasn’t just sniffing around trying to discern the cut of our jib. He was one of the vast armada of one-dimensional, politically-charged crazies who saw the entire world through the focal point of his own mania.

    Man, if you’ve never read the truth about circumcision and what exactly is removed, you might want to do so. Infant male circumcision is going to go down in history as the biggest medical blunder of all time. When you remove the foreskin, you also remove the ridged band of sexual nerves. These nerves are your sexual pleasure nerves.

    Circumcision got started here in America as a misguided attempt to stop our young boys from masturbating. This is well documented in our medical journals. 80% of the men in the world are intact. Please educate yourself about the history of circumcision here in America. And be sure to read up on the anatomy of the foreskin. I’ve provided you with plenty of links that will no doubt blow your mind. Maybe next time you won’t try to associate male genital mutilation with humor.

    And just for fun. Here is a link to my 2 headed VW in front of the White House.

As every girl who attended May’s zany ‘Boozing Consumerist Night’ at the Bukowski Bar in Boston knows, I, John Brownlee, am circumcised. Ben looks kind of Jewish, so I think he is too. So allow us both to salute David with our flaccid, mutilated genitalia and tell him to fuck right off. They’re our dicks and we’ll associate humor with their mutilation if we damn well want to.

David’s got a point about the complete lack of necessity in circumcising children in this day and age, although his other points are idiotic. “Well documented” it may be, but a circumcised cock hasn’t stopped any sixteen year old from fapping his way to a bedroom full of silly string.

As for lamenting the theoretical carnal pleasure I may be missing along with my foreskin, I’m not really in the habit of measuring my highly satisfying and enthralling sex life against some abstract ideal of what it would be like in some alternate dimension where my parents didn’t take the obstetrician’s advice.

Look, I’m not going to circumcise my kids. It’s unnecessary and unpleasant. But I’m not going to let some doofus with a miniature dumbbell attached to his dick and a business card that reads RECAP tell us what humorous analogies about our own genitals we can or can not make.

Why are we bringing David to your attention? As we get more visitors, we’re getting more and more people who can only see this site through the focus point of their own one-dimensional mania. We’re also getting more and more people who love laughing along with us as long as its not their group or pet interest of choice that’s being irreverently addressed.

To these people, we just wanted to say this: Get over yourselves. We’re here to help you as a consumer, not to pander to you as a reactionary wingnut. In other words, it’s business as usual here at the Consumerist.

Also, stop sniffing around our junk.

Comments

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  1. If there actually is a Boozing Consumerist Night at Bukowski’s, I’d be there.

  2. Hooray4Zoidberg says:

    I always hear the anti-circumcision people whining about sexual stimulation being severley reduced by the procedure. As a circumcised man myself, I have to say if this is in fact true, I’m not exactly missing it. As it is now I spend a good deal of time reciting the 86 Red Sox roster, I don’t even want to think about what negative impact another 80% sesativity would have on my overall performance.

    On a non penis note, I love Bukowski’s bar, give us a yell next time your heading over there.

  3. ModerateSnark says:

    Since infancy, or did it recently fall off after use of your MacBook Pro?

  4. Ben Popken says:

    I like my circumsicion because it’s one less thing that I have to clean. Not that that stops me.

  5. etinterrapax says:

    I know a woman on this crusade. It makes her so annoying to deal with that even if I agreed with her–which I don’t–I would never admit it to her or in public association with her. People don’t realize how they hurt their own causes.

  6. I second Hooray4Zoidberg…

  7. RandomHookup says:

    I believe I speak for everyone here in stating that I do not want to know how other Consumerists at Bukowski’s became aware of the status of Brownlee’s foreskin.

  8. @RandonHookup: Consumeristians should go to the Bukowski’s at Inman Sq. They’ve stuck with the Dead Authors Club, while the downtown Bukowskis has moved on, apparently, to the I’ll Show You Mine, If…Club.