Barbie is Dead

For this post, we knew exactly what image we were looking for: an image of Barbie — barefoot and flanked by Ken and two of Barbie’s pan-ethnic plastic girlfriends — sashaying with shopping bags right across Abbey Road. Unfortunately, that image doesn’t exist, and we’re too stupid to make it. So instead, we’ve been forced to illustrate it with this image of a murdered Barbie, her head crushed by a Volkwagen sized aluminum can. Serves her right, the cocktease.

Anyway, the point is that Barbie’s dead. Or at least that’s what some toy analysts are claiming, advising Mattel to dump her like an accidentally asphyxiated hooker in the dumpster behind Toys ‘R’ Us.

“Toys need to be magical,” says Jim Silver of Toy Wishes magazine. Or at least slutty enough to compete with everyone’s favorite sexually precocious plastic ten year olds, the Lil Bratz. Barbie’s neither.

We think there’s another solution besides killing the old girl off entirely: Mattel should create a transformable Barbie that turns into a Fleshlight and market it to adults. I think it’s safe to say we can put Ben down for at least a gross.

Is it time for a Bye Bye Barbie? [MSNBC]

Comments

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  1. rikomatic says:

    “Fleshlight”? LOL.

    What I believe you meant was a Barbie USB flash drive. Or flesh drive. Whatever.

  2. Erzengel says:

    Maybe if they make the “Barbie My Size” into a real adult scale, add some silicone parts, a vibrator here and there, and maybe a “sounds” option, and believe me, she would be a hit again.

  3. Rick Dobbs says:

    Sell the license to realdoll.com, make millions of men happy. Who wouldn’t want to tap that as tears of rage flow down their face?

  4. The Reviewer says:

    Where do you get your pics, they always seem so perfect for the entry.